The Uncouth Sloth - born 2002, died 2006. R.I.P.

12/15/2004 02:59:00 PM by Rob

And now, a message from the Red States

I am more or less taking dictation from Dale, a friend of my Uncle's, who is also named Dale, down South.

How-dee!! This is Dale, and ah'm usually a Cardinal fan in baseball, but to be honest whichyoo, baseball comes in way down on mah book, below first my beloved Vols, not that I went to school there, and below my high school football on fridays, not that I went to school there, either, and below them Titans, what was once the Oilers. Oh yeah, and NASCAR. Can't forget them boys, and Junior especially.

So baseball is like, fourth.

Well, but yew wanted to talk about them Cubs, and how they can trade away that Sammy Sosa. Yeah, we've heard all about that big old turdburglar, and honestly, I don't know what you want with a colored boy like him, anyhow. Sometimes when I hear you crackers all teared up about losing a ni**er like him, I just want to laugh, so that the sody pop shoots out my nose.

But I also hear talk about trading that there Kyle Farnsworth, who's just a good old boy like us, and sometimes I wonder if them boys up in Chicago know which way to pull up their underwears. I mean, they show that radar gun on the screen on them WGN games, and you all can see that he's throwin' a hunner-a-two miles per hour, that's smoke, mister.

If Kyle's having trouble, it's 'cause of them boogies he's been playin' under the past few years. First it was that Baylor fella, and everone knows Baylor sucks. They get beat 72-to-zip ever Saturday in football. Then its that Baker boy, and everone knows that nigras aren't smart enough to manage!

I mean, you ever seen one managing a bank, or a supermarket? Hell naw, all you ever seem them boys runnin' is maybe a mechanic shop or maybe a farm crew. Real dirty, low class jobs. Hell, if they're so damn tough, hows come you never see one on a Harley? No, sir, you don't ever see that!!

I'm always havin' an argument with my cousin Billy up in Alsip, and he says ni**ers are tougher than sp**ks, and to prove it, him and his friends keep running onto the field and attacking them mexican first base coaches and umpires.

Anyway, you (meaning ME, the Sloth) wanna trade both Sosa AND Farnsworth, and I think you're making a terrible mistake there by giving up on a strong hoss like Kyle.

Anyway, your uncle said you might have a few bucks you could lend me, and I was thinking...

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12/15/2004 08:20:00 AM by Rob

Giving thanks this holiday season

In my attempts to fully emulate one of my web idols, the Sports Guy, I have been out the last couple of days with a bad back.

I just want to briefly give thanks to a couple of wonderful guys...first of all, to the Hawk from the Coven, who saved me from CubsTalk, who gave me the moniker The Uncouth Sloth, and who recently sent me the ratemycameltoe site I featured.

Next, I want to thank ajsacki, who sent me a whole passel of cameltoes for breakfast this morning. God bless both of you fine men.

Thru jeans...the way the Toe should be seen.

Monday, December 13

12/13/2004 10:46:00 AM by Rob

The Closer Conundrum

Sounds like the 2005 Cub closer is going to come down to a battle royale between JoeBlow and Dumpster, with Hawkins in the background as the emergency closer in case of emergency. All three Chicago papers doth quoteth Lord Jim Hendry and his medieval haircut with precisely this scenario.

Well, not precisely. He also mentioned Farnsworth, as if he could refrain from shitting down his leg if he ever had to throw pitches in the last inning.

I know you all lost sleep waiting to hear what I, the Sloth, think of this. Not surprisingly, considering the lack of venom lately, I think this is as good of an idea as any. I think the past year has proven that closing is more of a state of mind than physical prowess.

Sure, it helps when you can throw a Bruce Sutter-type forkball or a Billy Wagner laser. BUT, which relief pitcher in the bigs threw more pitches over 100 mph, according to STATS, Inc? Wagner? Get real...it was Cap'n Tightpants! But can he get them over the plate in the ninth inning? Shit, you're lucky if you can get him through the EIGHTH without fucking things up.

No, Kyle Farns #44 was BORN to pitch the seventh. Maybe, when he grows up and his testosterone levels finally start to wane, he might have enough on the ball to pitch the eighth. Now, Hawkins has a smidge more control over his psychological urges, in that he has no problem with the eighth.

See, we COULD really have something here...the chance to win a BUNCH of six-inning games. Farns does the 7th, Hawkins the 8th, and the Closer Du Jour the ninth. And since we have probably the best starting staff in the whole barnyard, this could be a great strategic advantage next year.

We could probably even carry Sosa's unproductive ass for one more year, if need be. Not that we'll have much say in the matter.

Sunday, December 12

12/12/2004 04:26:00 PM by Rob

Three Cheers for Garry Trudeau

Fucking classic...

Friday, December 10

12/10/2004 01:56:00 PM by Rob

Jessica Biel, part deux

Jessica can be seen this week in the new movie "Blade 3 - Trinity".

What does this have to do with the Cubs? Not a damn thing.

There are much better actresses, and for sure there are far cuter ones. There are some that combine both. But the 5-foot-8 inch Jessica still, in my opinion, has the best body in the bizness.

I love to watch her move. I love to watch her run, jump, crawl. I love to watch her sit, and I love to watch her lie down. I would, and have, watched true excrement on the TV tube in order to see her in her scenes.

If she had to live on her abilities alone, she would probably have run home years ago to sell real estate. As long as she has THAT body, though, she's going to get work wearing a wife-beater while being chased by a dude with a chainsaw. Or wearing skin-tight lycra while slinging arrows of fire.

I nominate her as the next worthy successor to Marla Collins. There, some Cub content for you.

Wednesday, December 8

12/08/2004 08:48:00 AM by Rob

Nomar is in the fold

And, in a totally unexpected move, Hendry went out and got the better of the Maddux caddies, replacing the rancid Paul Bako with the passable Henry Blanco.

In the meantime, Alou, Grud, and Mercker, a/k/a Death, Famine, and Pestilence, have been cut loose to berate umpires, coaches, and broadcasters in the Bay area, Florida, and the Beltway.

Once again, Hendry is doing his best to address the previous year's glaring need: in this case, airing out a toxic clubhouse. Walker will play second and leadoff, Nomar will play short and bat second, Lee should bat third, Ramirez fourth with Patterson and Barrett seventh and eighth.

Todd Hollandsworth is being brought back, which is good if he is healthy, because I have never, ever seen a better pinch hitter. But he is NOT the everyday outfield answer. He is the white Glenallen Hill. Love him, cheer him, buy him drinks, just don't let him start every day for you, or he'll fuck you, and not in a good way by any means.

One key to the season, though, is whether they can develop a closer, because unless they can drug the Milwaukee front office and kidnap Dan Kolb, we're not getting one from the outside. The other key is what they choose to do about the other outfield spot, and what to do with the selfish, sullen, spoiled, shrunken, shitty Sammy Sosa. Say THAT five times fast.

If they end up with Carlos Beltran, well, you bat HIM third, move Lee to fifth, and bat Sosa sixth and sit back and watch the turnstiles spin. If they decide to give the job to Jason Dubois, which I absolutely CANNOT imagine, then they bat him seventh, behind Sosa and Patterson. They may also decide to sign a mid-level J. D. Drew-esque figure, in which case they then have a quandry as to which one, Proto-Drew or Sosa, bats fifth or sixth, and which plays left and which plays right.

My opinion? The "other guy" takes care of himself. I'd like Beltran, yes, oh yes, but I would defer to the wisdom of the organization at this point.

As for Sosa, the true key to the year, I would just tell him to try to play like he did back in his 30/30 days, just try to meet the ball, and remind him that after he waived his no-trade and his 2006 trade kicker, even after that, NOBODY wanted his ass, so shut up and play ball, or go home, pout, and sit out a year's paid suspension.

Go sell your crazy somewhere else, Gladiator.

Monday, December 6

12/06/2004 02:35:00 PM by Rob

Lazy

I'm still at a general loss for words...Blog Writer's Block, if you will. I had no idea how much I DID care about the outcome of the Presidential election. I have always fancied myself as an apolitical character. I don't know what's gotten into me...I really don't.

I'm still mentally exhausted by the whole process. I can't get up a good frothing head of steam up about anything...Steroids? Pah. The Cubs? Wake me up when they actually SIGN someone. The Ron Artest VIBE Awards? Pretty funny, but I can't really say anymore than anyone else without completely crossing the line into racial ugliness, and I'd rather not take on the Zulu nation at this time.

About all I can care about right now is cameltoes:

While I, as a purist, believe that denim is the only true medium with which to view and appreciate the wonders of the cameltoe, the purveyors of the world HQ website seem to prefer either partially nude with panties, or totally nude.

This I think is indicative of the Whole Microwave Society, in which everybody wants everything NOW, and to hell with using your imagination. But, hey, why complain...enjoy!

Thursday, December 2

12/02/2004 02:35:00 PM by Rob

NOBODY just whips it out anymore like that

First of all, before I disrespect the soon-to-be corpse of Jason Giambi, let me remind you of the whole concept of the Goat Riders of the Apocalypse, or GROTA for short. Little did I know that I my own self was chosen by God to be one of the messengers for the end of the world. Hmm. Little old me, sitting here in Corn Hole, watching my clumsyass neighbor slip in his own driveway while getting his daily mail.

Hey, dickstick? Two words: Shove, vull.

(Vull's a word, right?)

While it will be a blast to be part of a unified core of Cubs exorcists, I have been convince of the need for my own space. That, and Andy from Desipio telling me to get a life, and stop spending so much time on HIS message board.

So, I figure, if I have any reasoned out Cub commentary, it might appear at the Goat Riders. Unreasonable rants will still end up here, and truly fucked up shit-blowing catastrophic news may end up in both places, and in all the 'comments' sections I can get my hands on, until the poisons have left my system.

For now. Honestly, I don't know WHAT the fuck I'm doing right now.

Besides, of course, writing about Jason Giambi. Now, just like Sammy Sosa torching the bridges behind him when he left the last game early, and decided to blast Dusty Baker in some tacostand newspaper, you gotta figure Giambi realizes that he too isn't even leaving one scorched stone of His personal bridge back to big league baseball.

I'm making the assumption, of course, that he has some sort of control over what he puts out there for public consumption. Nobody THAT rich and famous is ever, ever caught with their pants down, the way it seems Mr. Giambi is today.

So, if he's putting this information out there, does he really believe that We, as a nation, are advanced enough in our thinking that we will Forgive and Forget that he was a steroid user?

So far, the only two guys to come forward have been Caminiti and Canseco. The late Ken Caminiti, mind you, and the thick Jose Canseco, for whom only his Brain is dead. What precedent is there about an admitted steroid user being welcomed back into baseball - nay, any sport - without dire repurcussions?

There are none. So I fear the absolute worst for Giambi, considering that he missed most of last year with The Mystery Ailment, rumored to be anything from lupus to AIDS to Lou Gehrig's Disease. No, from where I sit today, I figure Giambi is in "housecleaning" mode, making his peace with God, coming clean with everything he has done, in preparation for his next big event, dirt-surfing, daisy-pushing, or worm-feeding. Shit, my money's on brain cancer, just like Lyle Alzado, another infamous HGH junkie.

So, and you know it had to come HERE, when do I get treated to the sight of the Great Sammy Sosa's body parts peeling off of him like Mr. Potato Head in the clutches of Shelby, the wonder dog, the only Golden Retriever in captivity born with a shoelace where her brain should be.

Hey, I got an idea!! Where did I keep the big jar of Skippy?

SHELBYYYY!!!

Thursday, November 18

11/18/2004 08:25:00 AM by Rob

I heard the term "political correctness" for the first time in 1988, and to nobody's surprise here, I was being accused of violating it.

In one of my first jobs as a programmer/analyst at the corporate HQ for "a major Chicago-based oil company", we were not allowed to put up girlie calendars or anything of that sort. Seems standard now, but in 1988, they had somewhat recently banned smoking IN THE OFFICES. Anyway, what I did was gleaned a number of pictures of hot chix from the pages of the Sun-Times and Tribune, and arranged them as a collage on one of the panels of my cube. My point was, everyone read these papers in the office every day without anyone batting an eye...they cut out insipid Dilbert comix and stuck them everywhere...why can't I cut out a picture of Rachel McLish from the Bally's ads?

Anyway, one of the major ball-busting woman managers saw my display one morning, and in a rare display of common sense, I took it all down and stashed it in my desk before the fucking inquisition came around 20 minutes later. At the time, I felt like a fucking wimp for doing it. But it saved my job.

Ever since then, despite substantial academic credentials, an ability to communicate, and a decent body of work, I have been passed up more times than Kyle Petty on the corporate ladder, basically because I wear my heart on my sleeve, faithfully pursue the policy of truth, and otherwise not play the game the way it is set up now.

This site, as it exists, is no more. I apologize to the 20 or so hearty souls who actually liked what I did, but I'm not dead yet, but let me finish this train of thought first. I have fought the Least Common Denominator my entire life, and in this particular case, in its best form, it was a good place to get a regular guy's take on the Chicago Cubs, a sports franchise that is cherished and revered by its true fans, and is misused as an excuse to party by a geometrically larger section of the populace. I cut through the bullshit, and it was good.

But I let it get out of hand, and it has been my fears that is to blame. What fears? My fear that this country is letting itself get led down a path, to a destination that I personally am very uncomfortable with.

Now, I'm not going to talk political parties here, or candidates, or name names. What is bothering me is that MOST of us are changing, and frankly, I don't want to go where you're going. Case(s) in point:

- On September 11th, 2001, when I saw the second tower tumble down, I thought...well, let's save that for last.

- When I saw Janet Jackson's boob fall out, I shrugged. It wasn't titillating, no pun intended. It was, just, a thing.

- When Bono dropped an F-bomb on TV, I shrugged.

- When Little E dropped an S-bomb on TV, I shrugged.

- When the poorly-preserved Nicolette Sheridan dropped her towel and fawned over Terrell Owens, I shrugged.

What I simply cannot believe is ALL THE SUDDENLY MORAL acolytes who are just climbing all over each other to be the first, the loudest, and the most pious in denouncing these things!! Whether you believe that the New Moral Emphasis started with 9/11 or with Slick Willie-n-Monica, what the hell is with you HYPOCRITES???

If you truly do live in a home without sin, then go ahead and cast the first stone.

When it is proven scientifically five years from now that there is a nationwide epidemic of raping and murdering because a boob fell out during the Super Bowl, or because a Desperate Housewife came on to a split end during NFL pregame, then I'll be happy to announce a date and time when you all can come up, and I'll bend over and you all can kick my ass.

But it is more likely that, if God forbid any of our children grow up to be Stranger Danger, it won't be because of something they saw on the tube. More than likely, it will be because they're from a broke fucking home, and one or both of their parents weren't around to talk to them when they needed it.

Let me just point out three such fucking hypocrites that I PERSONALLY know, and who have had problems with my opinions over the last couple of years.

- Contestant 1 flushed her marriage away because she just couldn't stop sucking guys' cocks in the parking lot of the bar she frequents

- Contestant 2 just lost his wife because he was banging the temp who would come in to do their bookkeeping

- Contestant 3 is seperated from his wife, because he kept going out of town on meetings with one of his direct reports

Of course, all these fine folks have kids, and all were just HORRIFIED about JanetGate.

Why didn't I care? Shit, I figured at anytime, I can turn on channel 34 and watch buxom girls in bras and panties jump on a trampoline, or I can turn on channel 42 to watch graphic simulations of breast implant surgeries performed by corrupt surgeons, or I can always turn on channel 37 to see several stoned people all living in a house, taking turns sleeping with each other.

Ah, but you say, Slothboy, that's Cable TV. JanetGate and Bono were on the Networks. Yeah, what about 'Survivor', where buxom babes crawl around in the mud sans underwear, trying to 'get with' other castaways in order to 'make alliances' to win a cash prize? How about 'Fear Factor', where buxom women in skin-tight clothing are forced in compromising positions while snakes and bugs crawl all over them? How about 'NYPD Blue', where all sorts of nudity, cussing, drug abuse, violence, and other shit go on routinely, and they win AWARDS?

Double standard on my part? Hell no, let the Survivors and Sipowitz live forever, for all I care. The most disturbing programming on TV, in my view, are things like 'The Bachelor', where people are forced to have their courtship televised, every last private detail of their lives busted open for all to see, and at the end of the four-week ordeal, PEOPLE PROPOSE MARRIAGE to each other? Let all the 'Gays can't Marry' crowd crow all they want about the 'sanctity of marriage' ....and 'Average Joe' preserves the sanctity, how....?

So this is the conflict I am faced with right now, and this is what has led me astray the last several months. On an internet where beheadings are available at your fingertips, and people want to complain about me? That, and my COMPLETE and TOTAL disappointment in the 2004 Chicago Cubs, the whiniest, most undeserving bunch of babies this side of 4-5 year old tee-ball, has made me real tired, real discouraged, and most of all, real UNWILLING TO GO THIS ALONE in our new Nation of Fear and Loathing.

So, here's the announcement

I am joining forces with other CBA members Byron of The Cubdom.com, Billy of the Rooftop Report, and Kurt from CubFanNation and facetious.org, to form the Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. Soon, I will either be e-mailing you, posting this on the CubsCoven, or simply posting it here, as to where you will find me next. I believe the site will be goatriders.org, but this could change.

There are some advantages to this approach. I will be off of Blogger, and working with guys who know a HELL of a lot more about page design than I. It will give me a fresh start, and I will get back to the bread-n-butter, talking about the Cubs as they blunder their way into 2005 and beyond. We will have a message board, although my first priority will always be the Coven, I will be able to check the GoatBoard too, for it will probably draw a different clientele of Cub Fans. Most of all, I won't have the feeling anymore like I am a sitting duck, alone on the pond of discontent.

Now, many of you know Kurt. In fact, Kurt was a big part of the reason why the CubsCoven was even formed. I once went out to a nameless, faceless message board, slapped around some 15 year old kids who thought that s@mmE wA$ dA bOmB!, and someone named Kurt TOS'd me for getting personal.

Then a kindly fellow named Hawk brought me over to the Coven, which at the time was a collection of similar hard-bitten heart-broken wretches, who had been doing battle with Kurt and his ilk for years. So certainly there was a great deal of hatred and resentment of Kurt by people I admire and trust, and it continues to this day.

Thing is, I never really got into the Kurt bashing that much. All I know that he tries hard, and loves the Cubs, but with many other twenty-somethings, kind of lacks the perspective that the forty-and-fifty-somethings (and Stew, who was a batboy when Cap Anson got his 3,000th hit) have. I've tried over the years to (gently) point this out to him, and he's nothing if not a willing recipient.

He also is very creative, and the whole 'Goat Riders' theme works on several levels. I always wanted to be Fear or Pestilence, but I get to be Sloth there, too, and certainly I share his view that the Cubs Apocalypse is nigh. A critical mass has been formed with the drafting of stud pitchers with almost total disregard of position players. (That's the way I would go, too, if it were me). It's going to be real messy this year...either we will taste the most glorious of prizes, or its all going to implode and all sort of matter will get sucked into the vortex of the Apocalypse.

Anyway, Kurt vows that he isn't gonna mess with what I have to say, and the beauty of not getting paid to do this kicks in here. If he's serious, then I have a happy home in which to thrash around and dent shit. If not, then I just move on.

I must admit jealousy when guys such as 'Big Red C' Derek get tapped to write for all-baseball.com and I don't. Derek's great, and I knew going in that my style was uncouth and unconventional, and certainly wouldn't lend itself well to a more typical site. It was just my luck that I decided to take a break, and literally ten seconds later, I checked my e-mail, and an invite, dated two days prior, was sitting there. I believe in coincidences, which is probably NOT the best way to approach life, but some of the most thrilling, fulfilling events of my life have come about due to a funny coincidence.

Anyway, what did I think on 9/11? Probably most of you were scared, that your entitlement as an American to live out your life safe from attack was just revoked, and you SWORE that someone was going to pay dearly.

I was scared too, but what I was most scared about was the fact that I knew that this was the start of World War 3. I knew we weren't just going to sit here and take it, but I wondered how many and how much would die. I just never figured that Humor, irony, and light-heartedness would be casulties, too. And before you flame me about how insensitive I am to whine about humor when 2,500 people died on 9/11 and over 1,500 have died in the Middle East since, please remember one thing.

Without humor, many people, such as myself, aren't able to cope with such tragedies.

See you soon.

Tuesday, November 16

11/16/2004 01:41:00 PM by Rob

Not dead yet

An announcement is soon to follow. Not dead yet, just resting and trying to jerk all of the political poisons out of my system. Things will be bigger and better than ever before, with fully-rendered graphics of the shit-smeared gerbil popping in and out of Jim Edmonds' rectal cavity.

Go CUBS!!!

Monday, November 15

11/15/2004 10:06:00 AM by Rob

Oh yeah, one more thing

Congrats to the Stud Dog He Man Coal City Coalers, who let in one quick tuddy Friday night, then spent the rest of the game just bashing the living shit out of both of the quarterbacks Prairie Central trotted out there. They had SEVEN picks, and EIGHT sacks, and TWO kick returns for TD, and they get to host the State Semis next Saturday at Dzuris Stadium, the Coalerdome, against longtime famous school Quincy Notre Dame.

Brandon Howard (5 picks) gets to be Little Lotto. He'd be Lottery if he only'd Pick Four. I ain't never seen five picks, though. The 1993 semi was at home, too, and we needed to pull that one out our butt, and I'd expect this game to be at least that close. It felt good to pull for the green-n-gold again.

11/15/2004 10:06:00 AM by Rob

Rebuttal

Contrary to popular belief, my latter week rants were not pointed at any ONE individual, but were shaped by my experiences with several such individuals who voted for the other guy, and took offense to being called dumbfucks. Hey, Bush got more votes than Kerry, and he deserved to win the election, so lacking the funds and the balls to actually MOVE to Alberta, I gotta deal, right?

It had also occured to me that perhaps several such individuals have loved ones actually IN Iraq. Look, I do not think we should be there at all. But that doesn't mean that I am any less sympathetic to the people that are. It doesn't mean I am going to spit in their faces when they come home. In fact, I pray for them, and I want them to all come back alive, and well, and in one piece. I want them to come home as soon as possible, to reunite with their loved ones. Give peace a chance?

I'm bored to tears of Sammy Sosa

It would have been best to have traded him as soon as humanly possible. Already this issue is clouding the off-season, causing arguments between fans, probably causing divisions between teammates (assuming they actually communicate during the off season, which may be unlikely).

On the Coven, they are thoughtfully analyzing next year's Sosa production against the production we would get from a Cliff Floyd, a Chan Ho Park, etc. They are constructing batting orders in order to get the max from whatever we would get in return for Sosa. They're talking about payroll flexibility, and otherwise treating this situation as a Normal trade, like we're dealing from some sort of position of strength.

But we're not. Let's not make it any more difficult than it is. He cannot stay. Even if he goes to the Rockies and hits a hundred homers next year, we are better off without him. Let's apply undergraduate logic to the problem. If A represents "having Sammy Sosa", B represents "not having Sammy Sosa" and C represents "winning a pennant"...

If he stays, we will not win.

If he goes, nothing can be implied.

But what is certain, is that his selfishness, his stubbornness, and his short-cut, third world method to everything from Spring Training, to Media Relations, to Corking and Supplementing, KEEPS us from winning.

If A, then NOT C. I WANT C. But I know that I can't have A if I want C.

So cut him off. The Tribune can afford it. They can try to get a return, but in the long run, whatever tangible return may be outweighed by the intangible negative feelings from a winter of 'I said, he said, they said'. Which, if you haven't figured out by now, I put TEN TIMES the stock into the intangible factors of winning than I do the fucking numbers.

Friday, November 12

11/12/2004 03:37:00 PM by Rob

Alright, alright, some Cub content, then...

Seems that Sam-Me wasn't the only moron taking the last day of the year off. Yep, this is probably old news for you by now, but Kyle Farns #44 obviously decided that the last day wasn't worth getting up for, and so he decided to sleep in a little more, with hopes that when the travel agent from Berwyn he picked up the night before finally woke up from her drunken coma, she might be persuaded to stick her ankles up around her earlobes one more time.

I mean, you know, after she takes a piss, and gargles.

I'm waiting for someone to play the Race card. Sosa plays hooky and catches hell...Farns does the same, and nothing happens? Well, there are several major differences here:

1) Sam wears the 'C' on his sleeve: Farns wears women's garters under his tight trou
2) Sam is a Warrior, a Gladiator: Farns has never made such wild-ass pronouncements
3) Sam is actually doing all the bitching about being disrespected: Farns is probably buried so deep in stewardi right now, he could give a SHIT less about sports
4) Sam acts like he owns the place. Farns probably doesn't even OWN a boombox
5) Farns is gone, it's just a matter of to whom. He's extremely tradeable. Sosa is an $36 million albatross around the Tribune's neck.

So Farnsworth blew off the last day? Good. So did Sam-me? No wonder we won.

11/12/2004 10:13:00 AM by Rob

Some of you are just out of your fucking minds, Part II

Let me begin with this brief obituary:

Humor, born 10,000 BC, died 9/11/2001. Preceded in death by Irony, Sarcasm, and Critical Thought. Survivors include the FCC, the Republican presidency, and the Moral Majority. There are no services planned. Do not send flowers.

There are people who have known me for 20 years plus who are CONVINCED, absolutely certain, that I am some sort of left-wing commie because:

1) I devoted my site to Russian brides
2) I sent along a revised US map that I got from my friend Wigs, where all the blue (Kerry) states are marked off as 'America', and all the red (Bush) states are labelled 'Dumbfuckistan'.

Now, as for the first point, I just think a lot of them chicks are hott.

As for the new map of Dumbfuckistan, yeah, it's a joke. If you went to high school with me, grew up with me, don't you remember? I used to cut up a lot. I got a lot of "you've changed" and "you've really turned your back on your Catholic upbringing" and "how dare you call us dumbfucks, you always thought you were better than us", and other such crap.

Let me offer a few simple answers. I've changed? Fuck you, YOU'VE changed. Some of you fucks who spent their formative years sucking fumes off of the big blue Grafix, playing your punk rock and swearing that you'd NEVER, EVER become the Man? Don't get me wrong, I'm GLAD you threw the Grafix away, and are now responsible husbands and fathers. But I'm not the one who's done the 180 degree turn from who I was. I still have ideals, and ideas, and I didn't pack those away so I can make enough money to afford a max mortgage so I can play lots of Texas Hold-em with my co-workers and still have cash to re-do my basement to hide in when I desperately need to try to find the old me.

My Catholic Upbringing? Is this the same Institution that lets my first wife receive the Eucharist, even though she sucked as much Black and Mexican dick as she could while we were married, and lets my second wife receive Eucharist, even though she completely deserted her husband and stepsons, and stole everything they had while they went to the doctor for the child's strep throat, and pretends that we never existed? And, when I asked said friends for a reference to annul that SHAM of a marriage, nobody, not even my OWN PARENTS, would take the hour it took to fill out the questionnaire, which was OK with the parish priest, because he himself was too busy formulating an exit plan, because he diddled some kids? So now, because I married a Methodist, I CANNOT receive communion?? I love Jesus Christ, but Fuck the GodDamned Catholic Church and all it stands for.

Finally, I guess it is wrong to call you Dumbfucks, even though you let someone else make your decisions for you. George Bush is NOT a moral person, under any reasonable definition of Christian morality. He simply does NOT do unto others as he would have them do unto you. He sent thousands of Americans and many more thousands of Iraqi citizens to their deaths, for reasons that to this day are unclear. Would HE understand if Saddam Hussein tried to bomb HIS house? Would he stand by idly if some greater being dragged his precious daughters away, so that they could ride around in an open-topped truck while wild American-hating maniacs lobbed grenades at them?

Fuck, NO! He'd use some of his money, and bribe someone to put the twin Bush hotties in cushy hostess jobs in some ritzy commissary in Dusseldorf.

I am sorry if I called you dumbfuck, and your feelings are hurt. I remember a time when it wouldn't have fazed you, and would have shot back by calling me 'Pick-and-Sniff', or worse. I really thought you were tougher than that.

Thursday, November 11

11/11/2004 10:34:00 AM by Rob

No more Russian Bride solicitations for today

Yeah, I know its as fake as hell, but who knew that behind the Iron Curtain there lurked a land full of hotties who like to have their picture taken. No wonder they wanted to keep Yankee out!

No, today's Sloth Stiffo is brought to you by Omar Minaya, Jim Duquette, and everyone else in the Mets' front office, who are doing everything they can to bring in the Great Sammy Sosa. Wheee!! Yahoo!!!

It wouldn't be a bad deal (on paper) for the Mets, because every day would be Dominican Day at their landfill, and Sosa WILL bust his ass in New York. But, as I have said millions of times, I don't care if he hits 50 and drives in 120 over there. He just lacks the humility, the empathy, and the cooperative spirit that comprises the difference between a winner and a lifelong loser like Sosa.

Wednesday, November 10

11/10/2004 01:29:00 PM by Rob

While we wait for Winter Meetings News about Sam-Me

You all don't mind if I turn this site into a portal for Russian Brides, do you?

If you're a man, who spends a little too much time charting the regressive trends of Mike Barrett's Pct of Runners Stealing to his EqA, and you haven't had the time to, say, develop any social graces, I say, Let's Stop Wasting Time!!

It's gonna be below freezing tomorrow here in Chicagoland, and you need a little tummy-warmer for the winter months! You want a gorgeous, hot chick, who has never even HEARD of Equal Rights, and will suck and fuck whenever YOU want, and won't mind at ALL if you spend all of your free time elbow-deep in the sortable stats at Baseball Reference, putting together next year's keeper league team.

Today's Russian Bride, thanks to AnastasiaNet, is Svetlana:

Age: 30
Date of Birth: 4/23/1974
Height: 5' 6" (168 cm)
Weight: 112 lbs (51 kg)
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Blond
Profession: Manager
Education: Technical school
Language ability: E3
Second Language
Third Language
Religion: Christian
Marital Status: Div
Children: Girl - 9
Drinking: Socialy
Smoking: No

Residence: Donetsk, Ukraine

Character:
On character I'm the optimist. Always I go forward. I try to be natural, tolerant. In life to me it was necessary to be by the strong woman, but in soul I'm sensitive and romantic.

Interests:
I love sports, to dance and to read

Looking For Type:
I do not search an ideal. For me is necessary the man, which, really, became my second half, which could make my life happy, with kind and correct heart. The man to which the love is necessary.

Looking For Age:
33 - 45

Dudes!!! She LOVES sports! She wants the man to which the love is NECESSARY!! Whoo!! And, she's an E3! That means she knows enough English to ask you where the bathroom is, but dumb enough to get excited when you say you want to give her a "pearl necklace"!!

How can U lose? CALL NOW!!

Tuesday, November 9

11/09/2004 09:56:00 AM by Rob

If not you, then who? If not now, then when?

The following interview appears in today's Chicago Tribune. Since not everyone wants to subscribe to the on-line Trib, here it is in it's entireity, after which we shall discuss its message:

Bringing heat
Wood sounds off on Cubs' flop, Sosa's AWOL

By Fred Mitchell
Tribune staff reporter

November 9, 2004

One month after the Great Collapse of 2004, Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood still has a bad taste in his mouth.

"I'm definitely very disappointed in what happened this season," Wood said in an interview with the Tribune on Monday from his winter home in Scottsdale, Ariz., after returning from vacation in Mexico with his wife, Sarah. "It should not have come down to the last two or three weeks. We should have had it locked up before then. The last two weeks were definitely disappointing. Seems like we lacked a little bit of fire when we needed it."

The Cubs lost seven of their last nine games and were eliminated from postseason consideration entering the final game of the season against Atlanta at Wrigley Field. Disgruntled veteran Sammy Sosa decided not to dress in uniform and skipped out on his teammates shortly after the game began. He was later fined $87,400 by the team—a day's pay.

Wood's name has been widely circulated as one of the Cubs players who took a bat to Sosa's noise-pulsating boom box in the clubhouse that final day.

"I don't have the balls to do that," Wood said. "There have been times in the past … (when Wood felt like doing that). I came in four or five days later to get my stuff and I didn't notice anything."

Asked if Sosa would be welcomed back by his teammates next spring if he is not traded, Wood said, "It (leaving his teammates on the final day of the season) was kind of what it has been like for the past three years. Sammy does his thing. Especially that last day, a lot of guys were disappointed. None of us wanted to be there, but we all suited up."

The Cubs finished with 89 victories and back-to-back winning seasons for the first time since 1971-72. Yet the star-studded Opening Day roster did portend a postseason berth following the 2003 season in which they came within five outs of making it to the World Series.

"It's tough when you have four or five guys on the DL at the same time," said Wood, who finished with an 8-9 record and a 3.72 earned-run average. He suffered two of the losses in the final seven setbacks.

While Wood tries to make sense of a disappointing season, Sarah Wood remains upbeat while planning a Nov. 20 cancer research fundraiser at Ten Pin Bowling Lounge in Marina City. The celebrity bowling event, called "Strike Zone," will support Children's Memorial Hospital. The Wood's first charity fundraiser event will be followed by a dinner and concert by Cheap Trick at the House of Blues in the Foundation Room.

The Web site for the event with ticket information is www.childrensmemorial.org./strikezone. Several current and former Cubs players are expected to take part in the celebrity bowling event, including Mark Prior, LaTroy Hawkins, Mark Grace and Ryne Sandberg.

"It was certainly a year that we wished had ended a different way," Sarah Wood said of the 2004 season. "This gives us a lot more motivation for next year. What happened to the Red Sox could happen to us."

"I was glad to see them win," Kerry Wood said of the Red Sox.

The American League wild-card Red Sox won the World Series for the first time since 1918. The Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908.

The team is likely to have a new look next year. It didn't pick up the options on Moises Alou and Mark Grudzielanek, and the future of starting pitcher Matt Clement also appears in doubt with the Cubs.

"It's tough to replace any of those guys," Wood said. "That's kind of the way the game of baseball goes. You pretty much know what you are getting with Clement. I'm not sure who would replace him."

Wood also commented on the resignations of longtime Cubs broadcasters Steve Stone and Chip Caray. Both moves were fueled by friction stirred by a few Cubs players who complained about the broadcasters' criticism of the team's performance.

"I have heard more than enough about the Steve Stone issue," Wood said. "I think it got really overplayed in the media. I'm happy for Chip; he gets a chance to go work with his father (Skip Caray) in Atlanta.

There was an incident (pitcher Kent Mercker calling the TV booth to complain during a game). But you know what? There have been a lot of incidents that don't get in the paper and the public doesn't find out. Now we look like a bunch of [jerks] to the rest of the league, people saying it would be tough to root for us because we look like a bunch of whiners."

Wood has been outspoken over the years about his team improving its focus and effort. He acknowledges that it is tougher to be a team leader as a starting pitcher than as an everyday player.

"Can it be done? Maybe," Wood said. "The bottom line is to be ready to play every day."

Wood disputed the commonly held notion that the Cubs were uptight throughout the season because of high expectations.

"I hope not," he said. "I have played a lot of years when there weren't any high expectations. That's definitely not any fun."

Wood served a five-game suspension last season following an April 17 incident during which he charged toward plate umpire Eric Cooper and berated him.

He said he has no nagging injuries or surgeries to deal with during the off-season.

"I spent two months on the DL, so I am rested," he said with a laugh.

He said he was frustrated that his arm injury was not immediately diagnosed properly. He was placed on the disabled list on May 12 with a sore right triceps. Wood said he did not think that misdiagnosis and ensuing treatment regimen contributed to the firing of trainers David Groeschner and Sandy Krum.

Wood's message to Cubs fans is that the players are as disappointed as they are that the team did not make it to the playoffs. And he is happy the St. Louis Cardinals lost in the World Series.

"The fact that the Red Sox won should be encouraging as far as ending the [Cubs] curse," he said.

Copyright © 2004, The Chicago Tribune

Well, isn't THAT special? Isn't he CUTE, playing a latter-day Mark Grace?

I had a conversation similar to this after the football game on Saturday, with my son the left tackle. I asked why he thought they lost, and he mentioned the infighting amongst the teammates, the bickering amongst the coaches, and open weeping everywhere. In his opinion, they're all mentally weak, and they can't win that way. I personally agree with him 1 million percent.

OK, I say. You know what's wrong. You're smart enough, do someting about it!

Then, like with Kerry Wood, the excuses came. I'm just a sophomore, I don't start, I can only influence a few guys, but having a few guys pulling in a different direction is worse than not saying anything at all.

Yes, I agree with the pulling analogy. But he missed my point. I don't give a red rat's ass how much he plays! He just said he was smarter than everyone else in the room. (And, this is not a dad talking out his ass. He IS. Just trust me on this one, alright?) Are you not smart enough, I ask, to pull One Fast One by everyone in that room?

Yeaaaah, he said with obvious distaste, like I would even ask.

Alright, then. You're smarter than Shawn the Screamer. Smarter than Kris the Sobber, smarter even than Coach Calamity. IF you're a Leader, IF you're a Winner, whether your name is Kerry Wood or Nick Slothson, FUCKING TAKE CHARGE MENTALLY AND CHANGE THINGS FOR THE BETTER. Convince everyone else in the room that bitching, screaming, crying, and fondling their own tits ISN'T going to beat the other guy.

Are they men or are they bitches? When you're a Man, and you're surrounded by Bitches, you either slap them hoes or you push they ass out the door. It doesn't matter if you're the 2004 Cubs, the 2004 Corn Hole Trojans, or in the boardroom of Acme Widget Corporation. To be The Man, you have to Lead, Rise Above, and pull One Fast One on everyone else, to convince them of doing something that, if left to themselves, they'd have No Chance of doing.

Wood can give all the angry interviews he wants, and say the Right Thing to us, but more importantly, Woody, you gotta convince them Bitches in your clubhouse of the Right Thing.

Which he probably has a decent chance of doing, for all but one big fat swollen infected puspocket who wears Number 21, thinks only of himself, and needs to be beaten to death with a baseball bat with a fucking rusty nail sticking out of the barrel.

Monday, November 8

11/08/2004 01:34:00 PM by Rob

Bear with me

I know you gotta be wondering why I of all peoples haven't said much about all the Sosa rumors:

Sosa 2 the Yankees for Kevin Brown
Sosa 2 the Mutts for Cliff Floyd
Sosa 2 the Dodgers for Shawn Green
Sosa 2 the Rockies in a three-ply trade involving Prestone Wilson
Sosa 2 the Orioles for Larry Bigbee and Jerry Hairston
Sosa 2 the Sux for William Ligue, Jr., his son, and a skinhead to be named later
Sosa 2 the NY Giants for Kurt Warner
Sosa 2 the Roush racing team for Greg Biffle and cash
Sosa 2 the WWE for the draft rights of Dwayne Johnson aka Rocky Flavia aka The Rock
Sosa 2 Balco for a bucket of warm spit
Sosa 2 Queer Eye 4 the Straight Guy for Jai Rodriguez

and, of course, my favorite:

Sosa 2 Vivid Video for TT Boy, Chasey Lain, and that chick that ran for Governor of California on the "no implants" platform.

But I'm just still too woozy and sleepy to be funny, and b-sides, this gives us another day to collect even MORE Sammy Rumors. But, be sure, I'll have lots to say soon, so please please please please DO check back

11/08/2004 11:07:00 AM by Rob

unnatural feeling

I've watched perhaps 85% of my high school's football games. EVER. It's EZ to do when they start the entire program your freshman year.

So for 25 years, regardless of where I've lived, I've pulled hard for the Green-and-Gold. Even when I lived in Lemont in 1998, the Coalers came to town, and I sat on the visitor's side, by the mosquitoes.

But Saturday, I'm up in the big stands in the first half, wearing PURPLE, like a big fucking Barney, yelling things like "We're chewing you UP, Coal-TOWN!!" It was RIGHT THEN where I felt like a complete traitor, being untrue to myself.

For it WAS a close game on Saturday, for the first half, anyway. Coalers won the toss, and elected to kick (which is what I'd do, too, but...the FUCKERS!!) and Mendota shoved it right down their throats, against that record-setting defense, all the way to a 4th-and-goal at the 3.

Which is where our coach decided to get cute by trotting the field goal team out. Now, MY kid is on the field-goal team, so I should have been happy, right? Did I mention yet, that we haven't converted a field goal all season? Our coach, who is a MISERABLE excuse for a leader, couldn't WAIT to break Cardinal Rule #1 for Big Games:

- Thou shalt not do anything different than you hast done all season long.

Of course, Coal City shoves it back down our throats, then drives right down the field for seven. The good news is, our drive took NINE minutes, and Coal City's took 5, so a good portion of quarter 2 was already in the books. When up against a superior opponent, shorten up the game as much as possible.

After some taffy pulling, Mendota muffed a punt, and our brain-surgeon coach sends out his goal line team. When Coal City was at the ten. This WASN'T the first time this has happened, and the result has always been the same: namely, on the first play, Coal City ran around our big fat guys for six.

But Mendota marched right back down the field, and scored with less than a minute left. OKAY, we thought, only down one score, we'll take that momentum boost, not bad, not bad at all. Of course, what happened next decided the game, and caught everyone wearing purple by surprise; that is, everyone except me, and a couple of other guys who understand how the game of football actually works.

The Coalers only throw to one guy, #18, a thyroid freak we know from way back. Well, with 18 seconds left, he catches a sideline pass for about 15. With 11 seconds left, he catches a sideline pass for about 15. When he caught another sideline pass for about 15 with 4 seconds left, there was MUCH rejoicing on the purple side of the field: "Hee-Haw, what the hell are THEY smoking? They're just wasting time, and we're holding them down!!" That was when, with the ball on our 31, the Coal City field goal team came out.

FOR, and I was willing to tell one and all, if only one of the coaches would have asked, a) Coal City only throws to #18, and b) the Coal City kicker's longest FG made this year was 52. Snap, kick, wHANG!! against the crossbar, BLOOP! over the bar, Coal City 17, Mendota 7, and everyone in the place wearing purple, the fans, players, and coaches EXCEPT me and Nick just looked at the goalposts like they just grew hair, arms, legs, and tits.

Game, set, match. Coal City came out the second half and just fucking RAN over us. We were lucky to keep the score down below "running clock" territory. (40+ point lead).

Anyway, never again will I need to commit such treachery. I hope I am welcomed back somewhat this weekend, as the Coalers take on Prairie Central in the State Quarterfinals live from the Coalerdome. Thank you for your indulgence.

As for Sosa-for-Green, yes, I realize that this DOES take away from the possibility of getting Carlos Beltran, which sucks. The Tribune has enough money to pay Beltran, even if the Dominican Rectal Itch stays in town. But it won't happen, even if they trade Sosa for Green, who makes $16 milldeaux his ownself.

It'd still be an improvement, even if Green can't throw from me to the next cube.

Friday, November 5

11/05/2004 03:24:00 PM by Rob

The Brawl 4 it all

Class 4A Playoffs here in Corn Hole: the 7-3 Corn Hole Trojans vs. the 9-1 Black Lung Coalers!!

Hey, it's a win/win for Big Daddy Sloth. Whether his alma mater wins, or his kid's team, he knows he's going to see SOMEONE play in the quarters for whom he owns a sweatshirt for...

Big times tomorrow, kids. Storefronts decorating, ribbons on the light poles, old dudes mowing the field by hand. The Sloth my own self will entertain a couple of classmates before the game with pork-n-beers at Main Street Saloon, then on to the gridiron. Can't wait! Love High School football...LOVE IT!!

I was convinced that the Coalers were going to hammer the Trojans, but the more I read and hear, this isn't going to go to a 'running clock'. It will be close, and competitive, and as exciting as a greco-roman wrestling match with Kristanna Loken

Thursday, November 4

11/04/2004 08:17:00 AM by Rob

I saw Blacks voting for Bush

When it became clear that the majority of voters in the State of Ohio had voted for Dubya, I took to bed, and did not stir until pretty much now. I currently feel like the shell of a Sloth, like my guts had been scooped out with a hand trowel, and it isn't just the lack of a flu shot, or the rumor that Nomar might want to go play second for the Steingrabber, that is causing me to feel this way.

Once again, I qualify my statements by stating that I am NOT a political expert. Perhaps there were grave tactical errors committed by the Democratic Party or by its candidate for president. Maybe it was because George-n-Laura make a cuter couple than Bassett Hound-n-Ketchup Face.

If you voted for Bush because he's better looking than Kerry, you're an ass, but you're better off than people who used another rationale for voting for him.

It appears that the single greatest factor in Bush's favor this year is "moral issues".

MORAL ISSUES??? MORAL ISSUES??!?!?! Goddamnit son-of-a bitch cocksucking motherfucking dumb shit white trash baby fucking hillbillies???? I saw BLACKS voting for a man who doesn't give a fig SHIT about them, because "he's a God-fearing man".

Yes, Bush GOES TO CHURCH, and sucks evangelist dick, and takes their money. He's from Texas, which seems like a more "down-home" place than Massachussetts.

He goes to church, like a lot of other HYPOCRITES I know, like both of my ex-wives. He goes to church, but he sends thousands of our young people in harm's way so that his rich petrochemically-connected friends, like Dick Cheney, can make billions rebuilding what our military tears up.

Oil is $55 a barrel. Fuckers like me, who commute to work, are feeling the pinch. Who's swimming in gravy right now? Yep, Big Motherfucking Oil, all over Texas, fatasses are buying new steer-horns for their Cadillacs right now, because they're flush. And their bestest, most connected buddy, Mr. President, has four more years to sell us out.

Thanks, America. If you voted for Bush, you let someone else do your heavy intellectual lifting for you. You let someone tell you that a man with oily money in his pockets, and blood on his hands, was the better man.

Next time some sand monkey blows up another building, beheads another hostage in an orange jumpsuit, or causes another flight to be cancelled because he sneezed funny, and you want to bitch and moan about WHOSE FAULT IT IS, it's yours, you pisssucking twat, for not using your brain for anything more than storing yummy chicken recipes that involve Miracle Whip.

Tuesday, November 2

11/02/2004 03:03:00 PM by Rob

Barrage of babes

For some reason, the name Paulina Rubio:

is stuck in my head as the girl I wanted to research today. But certainly she does not qualify as "age appropriate". I am very appreciative of all the suggestions thus far.

Here are a few more I found in my travels:

Once, I watched "The Bachelor", and it was the night that FAG Bachelor Bob booted Kelly Jo Kuharski off of the show. That's when I KNEW Bob was Gay. I have already taken the precaution of putting Kelly Jo in the All-Majestic, and Kristanna Loken in my age-appropriate All-Majestic:

I don't give a seamless fuck HOW old she is; she's appropriate enought for me.

Finally, the chick below:

reports that she has trouble "getting with" guys, because every time she has sex, it's so good, her partners propose marriage to her on the spot. THAT tightened my hides....

11/02/2004 10:22:00 AM by Rob

Help a Sloth in the early stages of Alzheimer's

This weekend, while I was driving somewhere, and I'm always driving somewhere, two names came to mind for research and possible inclusion to the "More Age Appropriate All-Majestic List". I'm sure you all understand how important this is.

One of the names, the one I remember, is Elisabeth Shue.

She may be on YOUR list, and God bless you. She doesn't make the All-Majestic.

I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten the other name.

I need YOUR help. Submit your late-twenties or thirty-something models/actresses/singers/other noteworthy babes, and hopefully one of you jogs my mammary...

Thank you in advance for your assistance in this pointless, strange exercise.

UPDATE: getting all the usual suspects (except for Connie Nielsen, never heard of her, and WHY haven't I? Strong..) Gina Gershon was NOT the name I had in mind, and although this was probably the most modest pose I saw out there of her, me likey lots:

Monday, November 1

11/01/2004 01:51:00 PM by Rob

The Sloth's Presidential Endorsement - 2004

I am a centrist, in that I don't have any particular direction that I face.

I am for gun control. I am also for capital punishment. I am against abortion, but I am for sex education in the schools. I think the truly unfortunate of our nation needs to be taken care of, and I think they need to be taken care of first, before we take care of other unfortunates elsewhere. However, I don't think the burden for providing for these unfortunates should come out of the pockets of the middle class. I think it is perfectly fine to have "God" be part of the Pledge of Allegiance in our schools, as well as the Ten Commandments on display in whetever statehouse you may have.

For those of you who might find this incongruous, keep in mind that I don't find MY morality in what someone else TELLS me, but in my heart and in my relationship with God and man. If you can't understand this simple concept, then there's no way I'm going to get through to you, and come back tomorrow for more exciting Sammy bashing.

For the rest of you, my choice comes down to two simple statements:

1) George Bush invaded Iraq, against the wishes of the UN. He invaded Iraq without having ANY hard proof that Iraq had the ability to attack us, and without having ANY hard proof that Iraq had ANYTHING to do with 9/11. The UN said so, and if you can't trust the UN, you can't trust anything in this world. As a result, in an attempt to avenge 2,500 American lives, he has lost over 1,100. This is simply unacceptable.

2) George Bush is using Fear of Terrorism to run for a second term of office. He is thorougly and brazenly INSULTING MY INTELLIGENCE, and this is also unacceptable.

To me, the choice is this: if you want to have fear and distrust rule your life, if you really don't believe that the whole Iraq situation is about Big Oil making money, then I'm sure you think Dubya is protecting you, and go ahead and vote for him.

I don't agree with you, at all, and I'm voting for the other guy who has a chance to win. I don't agree with a lot of what John Kerry stands for, but I do know this: if he were President, he would not have invaded Iraq.

And, paradoxically, we MAY have better concentrated our efforts to catching OSAMA, and we MAY have his shit-stained ass by now.

11/01/2004 11:00:00 AM by Rob

Just Cut him

So, Sammy Sosa is sitting at home, complaining that he was mistreated last year when Dusty Baker moved his .249 average down in the six hole, that his "nearly six hundred" homeruns earned him the respect of Perpetual Cleanup Hitter.

Now, you all KNOW what I think of such a proclamation. It would be kind of piling on for me to write 500 swear words about the cheating pusdick right now. It wouldn't be right, though, if I didn't point out several major reasons why Sammy's account at the First National Bank of Trust is overdrawn:

1) He is a known cheater
2) He is a clubhouse nuisance, at best. Some might call him a Cancer, or a coach-killer.
3) He has never been a fundamentally sound ballplayer, even in his best years
4) He is at the age where most players accept a lesser role.
5) His best years are, as of now, three years ago, and are NEVER coming back.
6) His off-field activities are quite shady, above the norm shady, from the failure of his charitable organization, to the sweat-shop crooks he associates with.
7) He has not led by example, putting himself ABOVE the team, working our way back from the last game fiasco, to his perpetual late arrivals for spring training, to corkgate, to his charter plane fiasco of 2002, blowing off CubFest, etc, etc, all the way back to socking his wife with a rum-bottle.
8) His salary negotiations are always public, rancorous, and confrontational.
9) Finally, and of most importance to ME at the present moment, is that he is a one-dimensional player, a .250 hitter, a strikeout king, who happens to bop one every four games or so, who has more minuses than plusses rightnow.

And what is the net effect of his latest complaining? It lessens his trade value, which HURTS the Cubs, and HELPS any trade partners the Cubs may have. He is burning any bridges left standing, and it becomes more clear every day that he must go elsewhere. This makes Hendry's job harder, and forces him to be much more clever than if Sosa hadn't shot off his big ugly mouth. Is it really worth taking someone else's bad actor to get rid of him? Is he really going to come back and bite us someday, without taking steroids?

I know the idea of eating $18 million is beyond the realm of possibility, when it comes to the Tribune, but looking at it from a strictly competitive standpoint, we would be better WITHOUT him and WITHOUT someone else's headache, then with either one. We'll never pull off another Turd-for-Grud and Karros trade again.

If I were Hendry, I'd stick my balls out, cut Sosa, and promise to resign if the club didn't win the pennant this year.

Of course, that's a lot to ask of a man, doing his dream job.

Friday, October 29

10/29/2004 02:40:00 PM by Rob

High School Football

Dunlap (5-4) at Coal City (8-1)
Mendota (6-3) at Momence (8-1)

The winners meet next week in the Illinois class 4A playoffs.

UPDATE - The Coalers shut down Dunlap, and surprise of surprises, the Trojans picked off 5 passes, shoved the option down their throats, and swamped Momence 29-13! The Party's at my hizz-ouse Friday night...

That would be SO cool...who the hell do I sit with? My wife and my neighbors, cheering on my son's team...or the old Alma mater, with all the guys I went to high school with?

I can't even wear a Ray Rayner-esque outfit, because green and purple just DON'T GO!

10/29/2004 10:41:00 AM by Rob

This bugs me

The Sports Guy just posted a post-World Series e-mail bag blowout, and one of the entries he shared is:

For Cubs fans, you know what this feels like? I just figured it out a moment ago. It's like having this friend who suffered with you through thick and thin, sharing in your deepest pain and your greatest hopes. Finally, one day, your friend finally gets what you've both been hoping for. And you're really, really happy for them, but you can't deny that you're also jealous. And you're a bit sad, and a bit scared, because you know that from now on, you're going at it alone.

(Also, you have an annoying little brother with the same problem, but nobody gives a crap about him and neither do you.)
-- Adam Rettberg, Chicago

Do you know what BUGS me about this?

I didn't write it!!! Nice work, Adam!

Thursday, October 28

10/28/2004 09:00:00 AM by Rob

The sun still rose in the East this morning...

I was in my favorite local greezy chicken establishment, picking up sustenance for the residents of de Casa del Sloth, when I saw Jesus Damon lead off Game 4 with a jackalactic. "Well", I thought, "this certainly doesn't seem like a squad that has 86 years of excess baggage on its back."

Still, I was too chicken to look, once I got home.

It was a painful effort to switch the TV back to Fox around 10, because I figured there would be something awful, something horrible awaiting. AND THERE WAS!! Quick cut shots of people being chased by zombies, chained to bathroom sinks, bleeding, guts gushing out, dying, dead!!!

Then the commerical for the movie "Saw" concluded, and Keith Foulke was on to pitch the ninth. I say that I was afraid of what I might see, but actually, to tell the truth, my gut was telling me that this was not so, that reason and logic would win out on this night, that the better team was going to win this series going away.

So when I woke up this morning, and flipped on the "Today" show, I knew the Red Sox had won, but I didn't stay up long enough after that to hear of the aftermath. Did a tidal wave wash away the entire Eastern Seaboard? Did a long-dormant faultline crack open and swallow the whole Mass Pike? Did Matt Damon and Ben Affleck (AF-LACK!!) finally public consummate their long-rumored homosexual relationship, not that there's anything wrong with that? Did the Sun really rise in the West, and did Christ come down from the right hand of God in heaven and start judging the living and the dead? Did at least some drunken Irishmen drown in their own vomit, thus raising the gene pool up a notch?

There was nothing, not even a mention of The Sports Guy running nude through Copley Place. Outside of a little inappropriate touching by Terry Francona of his young Latin players, it was just another celebration. Just shots of red-faced Sawx fans who had lost their voices, and the obligatory right-wing rantings of One Curt Schilling on Good Morning, America.

I guess I expected something extraordinary for the first World Series win since 1918. I guess it will be funny the first time the Steinbrenners come to Fenway next year, when the crowd chants "Two-Thou-Sand" for the last time the Yankees won. I'm glad they didn't tear down Fenway a few years back, even though it is a dump-pile.

But, keep in mind, Fenway HAS had world championships before. Wrigley NEVER has.

Wednesday, October 27

10/27/2004 02:28:00 PM by Rob

Candidate endorsement forthcoming 11/1

If you wanted to buy the world, it would cost you a mere $50 trillion? If you just wanted the US, oh, a mere $10 trillion.

There are over six billion mouthbreathers in this world, and nearly 300 million of them are Americans.

So 5 percent of the people of the world control 20 percent of its wealth, and consume 25 percent of its resources.

Not that there's any pressure on our president, or nothing.

10/27/2004 10:33:00 AM by Rob

Get out the brooms

If the Cubs cannot win the World Series, then I would guess that watching the Cardinals get swept by a team that has not won one themselves since World War One is the Next Best Thing.

I will admit that I haven't watched a single solitary pitch of this bitch, and will continue to avoid it like a Meryl Streep marathon on Lifetime. Things are going pretty well the way things are, so why fuck with it? I get just as much a ~~precarious~~ vicarious thrill by reading about the games on the internet.

Besides, as I pointed out a few days ago, these ARE the Red Sox, and if they still DO have a curse about them, and if they are up 3 games to zilch over the Evil Satanic Fowl...well, not to be overdramatic about it, but...

...it would be the single-most worst chokejob in the history of human competition.

Which is NOT something I want to watch.

Let me just say that I enjoy knowing that Steve Klein doesn't even get to dress for this beast, and Cal Eldred does. I enjoy knowing that the Geeeenyous, Dago McMullett, is getting more and more smarmy, sarcastic, and disingenuous with each passing loss.

I like hearing that Albie PooHoles is beginning to show his age, that Matt Morris really does fuck his sister, that Jim Edmonds is hobbled because So Taguchi stuck the bathroom plunger an inch Too Far up his ass the other night, and that the stinking corpse of Darryl Kile is beginning to leak colorful, noxious fluids all over the front of his game shirt, and as the putrefication is starting to finally take hold, his whole inert mass is sliding off of the director's chair in front of his locker, and when Morris is forced to remove the reeking carcass from the premises at the end of the series, he is going to need a large serving spoon, three rolls of Bounty, the quicker picker upper, and a couple of tubes of Vagisil to help him grease the skids so he can jam the infested remains of DK57 into his fucking red duffel bag.

And then, when he starts to walk across the parking lot to his car, he will probably get knocked down by a whole pack of starving overalls-clad hillbillies, attracted by the smell. They'll steal the duffel bag, thinking it was a real big possum or something, and lug it home for their sister-daughters to cook for supper. And then Mutt Morris will sit in the middle of the asphalt lot and cry huge dripping tears, for the memory of his friend, for the loss of the World Series, and most of all, because he has to go home to his wife, who looks like a fucking troll, and his ugly toothless kids, who eat nothing but paste, boogers, and Peeps.

Fuck ALL Cardinals, all Cardinal fans, and everyone in St. Louis, the surrounding counties, and most of all, Fuck anyone in Illinois who has the opportunity to root for the Cubs, but instead drinks anti-freeze, bathes only on odd-numbered Tuesdays, and shits in a hole in the ground.

Tuesday, October 26

10/26/2004 02:10:00 PM by Rob

Cardinals vs. Ninjas

Cardinals

Ninjas

Compare/contrast amongst yourselves. It's awesome!

10/26/2004 11:24:00 AM by Rob

Just one quick thought for the day

If YOU were an Australian tennis player with a goofy Greek name, would YOU dump this:

for scrawny, scabby PARIS HILTON?

Me neither.

Monday, October 25

10/25/2004 10:16:00 AM by Rob

Bizarro-world

The Red Sox field worse than my 5-6 yr old Tee Ball team from 1998, Mark Bellhorn is in SportsCenter's grill hitting shot after shot, and the RedSox are up 2-0 in the World Series. Has THAT ever happened?

Nobody in Sawx Nation will say it, so I will...I hope they win, so they can stop all the talk about their measly little 'curse', so all the eyes of the accursed can look to Chicago, true home of Curses.

The Sux were in a World Series in 1919, and they threw it. The Baseball Gods may never forgive. But what did the Cubs do? I mean, they didn't allow a goat on the premises. I went to a pumpkin patch/petting zoo yesterday. Fucking things smell to high heaven. In my estimation, the Wrigleys were doing well by everyone else when they refused to allow a shit-eating goat into the park.

We never sold OUR best player ever for money to finish a Broadway play.

Wrigley Field was scheduled to be one of the FIRST parks with lights, but the Wrigleys decided to donate the steel for the light standards to the war effort in WWII. When several other teams and parks were owned by beermakers, Wrigley stuck to chewing gum. The Cubs have done as much as any other major league operation to give back to its community. There wouldn't be a Wrigleyville, if it weren't for Wrigley.

We weren't the first to employ black ballplayers, but we weren't the last, either. We never employed bastards like Pete Rose, or Ty Cobb, or Hal Chase, Carl Mays, Jeff Heath, Johnny Temple, Maury Wills, or Cleon Jones. We had guys like Billy Sunday, who would not pitch on the Sabbath, and Ken Holtzman, who served in the Army during the week, and pitched on weekends. We DID have Cap Anson, Hack Wilson, and Dave Kingman, but geez, Babe Ruth was a major league shitcake, and it hasn't hurt the Yankees none.

Honestly, I don't get why WE get stuck up the ass by karma.

And. maybe if the Red Sox can shake the bug out of THEIR ass, maybe it will give us the cosmic impetus to do the same.

Friday, October 22

10/22/2004 10:16:00 AM by Rob

Don't trade Sosa

Not if it means Kevin Brown. I mean, trade Sosa for anyone or anyTHING else...a diahhretic goat, 3 tons of bat guano, some peeps from last Easter...anything else.

Just not Kevin Brown, the current state-of-the-art in ass-licking fuckstick.

I'd take my chances with the 800 pound gorilla.

10/22/2004 08:55:00 AM by Rob

Small town Illinois football

I'm a stinky-ass traitor, according to my wife.

My son's team is 6-2 going into tonight's game, their conference schedule is over, they have already qualified for the playoffs, so whether they win or lose is of little consequence.

On the other hand, my alma mater, the noble Coal City Coalers are going up against the fuckhead inbreeding Wilmington Wildcats.

Both teams are 8-0. Coal City is ranked #1 in class 4A. Wilmington is #1 in class 3A. We beat their ass frequently in the early-to-mid nineties, but since 1996 or so, they've had a nice string of 1-A college talent come through there, including current Arizona Cardinal and former Northwestern star Damien Anderson, and their fans have been just short of crude ever since.

For a point of reference, think Ligue-grade Sux fans, only they get to back a winner, with a little of the Billy Bob Thornton character in "sling Blade" thrown in.

Even though Coaltown is the ranking team in a higher attendance bracket, Wilmington is heavily favored at home. Over 6,000 extras from the movie "Deliverance" will be in River City tonight...gonna be fun, no matter what.

I'll be the one drinking the cinnamint schnapps.

Thursday, October 21

10/21/2004 08:22:00 AM by Rob

History was made last night

And I wouldn't watch it.

I watched to see the Sawx knock out that fuckstick Kevin Brown, and one thought came to my head:

"They are gonna blow it, it's going to make Bartman seem like a paper cut, and I'm not going to stay up and watch it."

So I went to bed, and I fired up the ol' computer this morning fully expecting to read how somehow, someway, the evil Steinbrenners came all the way back from an early 8-1 deficit, to win going away. But that didn't happen, and we were alive to see a team come back from a 3-0 deficit to win a pennant. You gotta figure that if the Red Sox could somehow lift themselves above the Yankees after 80 years, that whomever they face in the World Series is not going to be a problem.

Of course, we should have a vested interest in this. If Boston can lift ITS curse, then shouldn't we be able to lift OURS? I'm just saying....

Monday, October 18

10/18/2004 03:50:00 PM by Rob

A few words about Britney Spears

Is she smart, or real stupid?

She CAN'T sign, she CAN'T act, she CAN'T really dance, she gets drunk and marries guys, now she wants to take a year off to get knocked up by her new husband, a creepy grease-monkey lookin' punk whose previous claim to fame was that he knocked up some third-level black chick twice, and left her before the second baby was even born.

Everywhere in this great country of ours, millions of insecure men spend countless millions of minutes every day flogging away at themselves to pictures of the young, ripe Ms. Spears, wishing that they could be so lucky as to wed this incredibly saucy piece of ass. And here's THAT guy, can't even be bothered to fuckin' SHAVE half the time, and HE's banging away at her now, wearing his $2,000 velour sweatsuit with "PIMP" embroidered on the back, waving his $75,000 watch, rippin' around town in his Lamborghini, none of which HE paid for.

Do you suppose, all he had to do was ASK? That any one of us could have sacked up, and bagged us a Britney ourselves?

Just imagine her fragrant, supple flesh flexing and coiling against yours, as she brings herself to the peak of pleasure, again, and again, as she's grinding her pretty little cooch around your manpole, as you're lying there, gritting your teeth, thinking about the backs of your prized 1982 Topps baseball card collection, trying not to cumm too soon. She's manhandling her own beautiful glistening tits, looking you over with those big eyes, licking her moist, puffy lips...

Hmmmmmmm...

...aaah. Ok, think about this a second:

Every day, Carlos Beltran running out to center field for the beloved...pushing Corey Patterson to left, and J. D. Drew in right, and NOTHING's getting through, everything is being caught on the fly. And power....homers almost every single day, wind or no wind, doubles stretched into triples by their amazing speed.

Winning the division by 15 games.

Sweeping through the playoffs, with the outcome never in doubt.

A World Series at Wrigley Field.

About the only thing I would give up a quickie with Britney Spears for.

Friday, October 15

10/15/2004 01:50:00 PM by Rob

yippee...yahooo

Carlos Beltran, in a middle of a NLCS, confirms that he will be interested in what the Cubs come up with in the off-season. Of course, he probably said the same thing about 28 other teams, including the one he is on, probably all teams except the Royals, from whence he came.

I'm not sure I like the notion of a guy who would justify the question with an answer, ANY answer, at this point in time. If the Cubs said they were interested in HIM, wouldn't that be tampering? He's still playing ball, and should mentally be 1000% behind the big stylistic star of the Houston AssTrolls, shouldn't he?

I'm not saying I would kick him out of bed, even considering the marrow-sucking leech he hired as an agent. He can rrreeaaallllllyy hit, man.

Call me old fashioned, out-of-step Charlie. Are ALL ballplayers as mercenary as this one? If so, then by all means, knock yourselves out, sic' 'im.

Thursday, October 14

10/14/2004 11:43:00 AM by Rob

Thorn vs. Dusty

Gentle Reader Thorn suggested in the comments section from yesterday's throat-clearing that the problem isn't the Curse, or Bartman, or Sammy, or Wavin' Wendell, or the Training staff, or the crumbling Confines...but Dusty his own self.

Hmmm. Under his guidance, we got within 5 outs of a World series, and the next year, was in playoff contention until the last day.

But it is true that a manager needs to do something in terms of his team keeping its composure. For the Cubs lost their composure during the last two innings of game 6, and the seventh game in 2003. And they certainly lost their composure down the stretch this year. He needs to accept the blame for this, which he certainly has not.

But back to my first premise, the Cubs have not won 88 and 89 games in successive seasons since....? I don't have my numbers in front of me, but I don't think they won that many in '70 through '72, the so-called Glory Days of latter-day Cubs baseball.

A simplistic approach may attempt to categorize everything neatly, giving Jim Hendry total credit for the level of talent on the team, and attribute all good things to him, and conversely attribute all blame to Dusty for not getting the most of the talent Hendry gave him.

That is assuming Dusty has zero influence on the type of players that have come in the past two years as free agents, which is certainly not true. Nor is it true that Hendry has completed his puzzle with pieces that fit perfectly together. There are not enough guys on the team that can run, and too many that swing too hard.

This also does not lay any culpability at the feet of the players, many of whom earned far more than they contributed this year.

It's not a simple question, with simple answers. Baker may not be the best manager for this team, but who alive is?

Wednesday, October 13

10/13/2004 07:59:00 AM by Rob

He's a live wire

We all know by now, I hates me some Sammy Sosa mi-ty fierce.

By now, we all have heard the story of Mariano Rivera - two of his relatives, his wife's cousin and uncle, were electrocuted in his pool down in Panama, because he had live current surrounding the pool to keep the dogs out. He went for the services, and did not return to his team until the 2nd Inning of Game 1 of the ALCS.

He then got the final four outs to nail down the Yankee victory.

There is little, if any, outcry from his management, teammates, or the public.

That's all well and good. It's a human story. Allow me to change a few of the parameters. Let's make Panama the Dominican. Let's make the ALCS the NLCS. Let's make the Yankees the Cubs.

And let's turn Mariano Rivera into Sammy Sosa.

Do you think Sosa would be treated with the same respect?

HELLLLLL no. Some would say that Sosa has not earned the respect that Rivera enjoys, and you might be right.

But in all honesty, is it Sosa as much as it is US? The Cub fans, the Chicago media, everyone involved in shaping public opinion of the Cubs and all that surrounds it.

Plain and simple, we're all a bunch of hyper-paranoic loss-obsessed fuckmonkeys, and there's no way we would allow this to happen here. Perhaps THAT's part of the reason why the club played the last half of this year like they had car batteries hard-wired against their nuts, and guys wearing Yankee pinstripes get away with murder.

Because they're expected to win, and we're expected to lose, and in the process, we make it so.

Tuesday, October 12

10/12/2004 01:52:00 PM by Rob

DEFCON Cubbie Blue

Today, in America, we all can breathe easier.

The bad guys seem far, far away.

Children are safe to play alone in their yards. Old ladies are safe crossing the street, even against the light. Young families can walk safely through war-torn neighborhoods in the ghettos.

Men are remembering their anniversaries, and remembering to kiss their wives goodbye in the morning. Women are wearing dresses and aprons again in the kitchen, and children are busy being seen, and not heard. Bakers are remembering to drop an extra roll in the sack of 12, and butchers are taking their thumbs off of the scale. New reserves of high-grade oil are being found and are quite accessible for the markets. Stocks are going up, interest rates are going down, and there's a chicken in every pot.

Hate, fear, terrorism is on the run, and in their wake come peace, hope, love, respect and mutual cooperation amongst all men.

All men and women are created equal, regardless of race, creed, or social status. No-one should ever fear being gunned down in the street, mugged by crack addicts, peeped at by trench-coated perverts, or asked to buy $2 boxes of M&M's by small black children. Ballplayers are free to ride the New York City subway, and ride on the bus with the Cleveland Indians without fear.

The Chicago Cubs awoke as well to a brand new day, a better day. All the Cubs are now free to run the bases without shame or disgrace. They are free to achieve their highest potential, and even He Himself, the Great Sammy Sosa, is even considering hitting a cutoff man, cutting down on his swing and taking an extra base.

For, it is true, Waving Wendell Kim has left the building.

Monday, October 11

10/11/2004 01:53:00 PM by Rob

Dead pools everywhere are abuzz

Gotta see what they're saying about this weekend at www.stiffs.com...

Ken Caminiti and Christopher Reeve died. Pardon me if I'm not racked with sorrow.

I don't really have anything against Reeve. Just never thought that he did any more than any other person in his sitchy. He was frustrated with his new lot in life, he thought of dying, but ironically could not muster up the mobility to pull it off. Then he found a certain level of acceptance, and he was working hard to make small gains, a little at a time. I don't wish him harm, but I never understood the hoo-ha about his Bravery. Live in the ghetto, and try to keep your kids safe from gangs, that's bravery.

Now, as far as that fartsack Caminiti, Big Boy Rules, Kenny. You suck the juice, you die a grotesque, premature death. He had to win, he had to get ahead. He saw others doing it, so that made it ok. At the time, I'm sure he would have freely admitted his desire to win was so strong, he was willing to cut his life short.

So far, today, I have not see or heard anybody springing the alligator tears for the felonious bastard. But if I somehow missed you, and you're torn apart by the pain of the sudden death of the 1996 NL MVP, e-mail me and I'll be happy to point you to all of the Ken Caminiti and Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield and Brady Anderson websites, and you can lock yourself in your room, and squint real hard so you can imagine that they're naked, and you can lather on the Jergens Intensive Care formula all over your hands, and feel free to rub your wang any way you see fit.

Or you can rub it to Sarah Michelle Gellar. I figured, since I had Alyson Hanigan on here, and Michele Trachtenburg, both from "Buffy", well, why not Buffy her ownself?

Friday, October 8

10/08/2004 02:55:00 PM by Rob

Playoff baseball?

No. Nooooooo. I'm a Cub fan, and I could give a shit less about everyone else. My season begins again after November 1st, when guys can get traded and the best and brightest minds can tear themselves from "El Adventuras Homoeroticas del Alex y Derek", to offer their opinions on just who in the fuck in America is going to wake up one morning, and say, "Yes, I must have Sammy Peralta Sosa!"

So while I decide whether or not it is a bad thing to admit that I have in fact rubbed one out on this pic of Michelle Nickelodeon, you all have a great weekend, aloha.

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