It started out as a Cub blog with cuss words. I'm still cussin'; it's the Cub part I'm a little squishy on these days.

The Sloth is not intended for younger or sensitive readers!

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Bruce, we gave you tha keys, and THIS is what you brought home?

¿Dónde está mi dinero, las rameras?

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Tuesday, October 12

DEFCON Cubbie Blue

Today, in America, we all can breathe easier.

The bad guys seem far, far away.

Children are safe to play alone in their yards. Old ladies are safe crossing the street, even against the light. Young families can walk safely through war-torn neighborhoods in the ghettos.

Men are remembering their anniversaries, and remembering to kiss their wives goodbye in the morning. Women are wearing dresses and aprons again in the kitchen, and children are busy being seen, and not heard. Bakers are remembering to drop an extra roll in the sack of 12, and butchers are taking their thumbs off of the scale. New reserves of high-grade oil are being found and are quite accessible for the markets. Stocks are going up, interest rates are going down, and there's a chicken in every pot.

Hate, fear, terrorism is on the run, and in their wake come peace, hope, love, respect and mutual cooperation amongst all men.

All men and women are created equal, regardless of race, creed, or social status. No-one should ever fear being gunned down in the street, mugged by crack addicts, peeped at by trench-coated perverts, or asked to buy $2 boxes of M&M's by small black children. Ballplayers are free to ride the New York City subway, and ride on the bus with the Cleveland Indians without fear.

The Chicago Cubs awoke as well to a brand new day, a better day. All the Cubs are now free to run the bases without shame or disgrace. They are free to achieve their highest potential, and even He Himself, the Great Sammy Sosa, is even considering hitting a cutoff man, cutting down on his swing and taking an extra base.

For, it is true, Waving Wendell Kim has left the building.