12/02/2004 02:35:00 PM by Rob

NOBODY just whips it out anymore like that

First of all, before I disrespect the soon-to-be corpse of Jason Giambi, let me remind you of the whole concept of the Goat Riders of the Apocalypse, or GROTA for short. Little did I know that I my own self was chosen by God to be one of the messengers for the end of the world. Hmm. Little old me, sitting here in Corn Hole, watching my clumsyass neighbor slip in his own driveway while getting his daily mail.

Hey, dickstick? Two words: Shove, vull.

(Vull's a word, right?)

While it will be a blast to be part of a unified core of Cubs exorcists, I have been convince of the need for my own space. That, and Andy from Desipio telling me to get a life, and stop spending so much time on HIS message board.

So, I figure, if I have any reasoned out Cub commentary, it might appear at the Goat Riders. Unreasonable rants will still end up here, and truly fucked up shit-blowing catastrophic news may end up in both places, and in all the 'comments' sections I can get my hands on, until the poisons have left my system.

For now. Honestly, I don't know WHAT the fuck I'm doing right now.

Besides, of course, writing about Jason Giambi. Now, just like Sammy Sosa torching the bridges behind him when he left the last game early, and decided to blast Dusty Baker in some tacostand newspaper, you gotta figure Giambi realizes that he too isn't even leaving one scorched stone of His personal bridge back to big league baseball.

I'm making the assumption, of course, that he has some sort of control over what he puts out there for public consumption. Nobody THAT rich and famous is ever, ever caught with their pants down, the way it seems Mr. Giambi is today.

So, if he's putting this information out there, does he really believe that We, as a nation, are advanced enough in our thinking that we will Forgive and Forget that he was a steroid user?

So far, the only two guys to come forward have been Caminiti and Canseco. The late Ken Caminiti, mind you, and the thick Jose Canseco, for whom only his Brain is dead. What precedent is there about an admitted steroid user being welcomed back into baseball - nay, any sport - without dire repurcussions?

There are none. So I fear the absolute worst for Giambi, considering that he missed most of last year with The Mystery Ailment, rumored to be anything from lupus to AIDS to Lou Gehrig's Disease. No, from where I sit today, I figure Giambi is in "housecleaning" mode, making his peace with God, coming clean with everything he has done, in preparation for his next big event, dirt-surfing, daisy-pushing, or worm-feeding. Shit, my money's on brain cancer, just like Lyle Alzado, another infamous HGH junkie.

So, and you know it had to come HERE, when do I get treated to the sight of the Great Sammy Sosa's body parts peeling off of him like Mr. Potato Head in the clutches of Shelby, the wonder dog, the only Golden Retriever in captivity born with a shoelace where her brain should be.

Hey, I got an idea!! Where did I keep the big jar of Skippy?

SHELBYYYY!!!

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