The Uncouth Sloth - born 2002, died 2006. R.I.P.

4/28/2005 02:27:00 PM by Rob

Bring yer Daughter to Work day

Yep, today IS National Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, and in what was surely one of the Asshat Decisions of the Year, whatever Politically Correct agency it was that invented the idea, caved in and added "and Son" to the concept. I mean, really, I understand the idea...for years, many girl-children were projected to be nothing more than homemakers, bank tellers, and/or cumsluts. It was nice to show young women that there was more to shoot for, and it's JUST...TOO...PC to include the boys now.

Now, I know that most of you think that I'm just sitting here, with my pants around my ankles, because the office is crawling with pre-pubescent girls, but that is certainly NOT the case. No, sir. I ain't no perv.

No way. Nuh-uh.

Nope. Not me.

Ahhhhhhhh shiiit! Okay, YES, I AM, just sitting here with a big ol running all the way down by my shoes, and I bent over and saw th grabbed the box of kleenex and ran thru them all the way to my n and then her MOM saw me, and need I mention that that bitch is so I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to write as I sit at home with a suspension, with pay. WHOO-HOO!!

4/28/2005 08:18:00 AM by Rob

I'm sorry

I have been just devastated with nausea, vomiting, and diahhrea after what happened to Chad Fox Monday night. Dusty Baker is going to Fucking Kill ME!!!

If it weren't for Derrek Lee, I'd probably be on a feeding tube by now....

...ahhh, this is partly true, the Dusty is going to Fucking Kill Me part. I have been teaching class the last few days, so I haven't had the time or inclination to comment on the last few days. Oh, but I shall. Either later today or tomorrow.

You might be surprised to find out exactly WHOM I am blaming for the latest state of the shambles that is passing for the Chicago National League Ball Club.

Monday, April 25

4/25/2005 09:54:00 AM by Rob

The Sloth had one HELL of a weekend!

Saturday evening - Morton's Steakhouse

Wendy and I went to Morton's in Rosemont. In brief: major-ass steakhouses only have alacarte menus, and unless yer a big shooter, the idea of paying 45 bucks for JUST a piece of meat, no salad, no potato can be imposing. I had never been to one (for some reason, back in the expense account days, I always went to Ruth's Chris) and it was walking distance from our hotel, so I let it roll.

It could be great, or it could suck.

20 seconds after they hauled out my piece of prime rib, the maitre 'd took the time to walk to my table to ask me if I knew the chef. Maybe they do this for everyone, I dunno. But the end piece that I requested was at least three times the size of the slice to yer left. I paid less than a buck an ounce, which is unheard of in Morton's.

My wife and I sat across from each other, slicing and chewing our massive pieces of beef, smiling. 4 motherfucking stars.

Elton John - Allstate Arena

Wendy's the big Elton John fan; I just respect the body of work. I mean, he is a big ol' fag and all, and I wasn't real thrilled with paying $115 per, but I had promised her that I would take her someday, and good Lord, 4 more motherfucking stars.

What is he, pushin' 60? He and his incredible band played non-stop, 2 1/2 hours, the last 90 minutes of so were all extended "jams" of his old hits. We were 10 rows off stage left, about 50 feet from his well-worn ass, and that man worked hard for the money.

Seems that a good portion of the residents of North Halsted occupied the first three rows, and eventually they became as much of the show as Elton himself. When he busted out "Philadelphia Freedom" it became an all-out gay hoedown, dancing in the aisles, kisses, etc...when he launched into "The Bitch is Back" towards the end, it was almost like they flashed "START BUTT-FUCKING" on the Jumbotron. You wouldn't think Elton John would have a mosh pit? Oh yes, he most certainly does, the gayest moshpit in all creation. Simply Fabulous.

Then, to top it all off, on his last encore, he rambled on about what a huge baseball fan he was, and that he was priviledged to play in front of Greg Maddux tonight, and there he was, sitting pretty much where we were at, only stage right, and half the crowd went ape feces, some of them booed, and the gayboys kept swapping spit.

Once again, un-real.

Sunday afternoon, Section 204, row 1, plenty o' legroom

What happens when an Uncouth Sloth, an Ivy Chat Chuck, a Mike D and a dude named Oleg get lumped together in the front row of Terrace Reserved, and morons stand in front of them talking on their cell phones?

Well, Mike is gonna say his piece on the sheer arrogance of people who think that their cell minutes mean more than our enjoyment of the game. NOBODY fucking stands in front of Mike Donohue, Season Ticket Holder.

Corey didn't get the start, so we all played out what probably happened before the game; namely, Corey going to Dusty and pleading to take him out of the lineup, because CHUCK is in the house, and Chuck's SOOO mean to him!! We thought early on that we would be sunk, once again, by Dirty Sanchez as he doubled home the first two runs of the game.

After five innings and 70 pitches, Kerry Wood was taken out of the game. I went downstairs to the head to see if I could hear anything on the radio about as to why. Ron Santo was mumbling that he didn't know, and I mumbled to myself "probably menstrual cramps". The guy to my left got pissed, and yelled "That ain't right! It was vaginal itching, more likely." The guy to my right said that "it was definitely the clap, that he got in the front row of the Elton John concert last night."

Let's just say that Cubdom At Large is getting a little tired of Kerry Wood's act. He has become one of the New Whipping Boys, along with Dusty.

Whether Dusty finally woke up, or a higher authority spoke to him, but Hawkins is no longer the closer. And the skies parted, and manna poured from heaven, and the choirs of angels sang, with Vlad Guerrero on lead vocals.

Anyway, as you doubtlessly know, this is no longer Sosa's team, or Nomar's team, or even Ramirez' team. This is Neifi's team now, bitch, and for better or worse, that's how it's gonna ride from here on in.

It was a good old obnoxious time with a bunch of good guys and great fans, and anytime that one chick with the joocy booty packed in them black spanky pants wants to share her cotton candy again, e-mail me, sugar britches.

Friday, April 22

4/22/2005 02:09:00 PM by Rob

Have a tight weekend

My gift to you: IMHO, the single funniest thing ever written. An early-80s Lampoon classic, that got made into a shitty movie.

If you don't like it, I'm gonna sic my team of Mexican Mall Lawyers after ya...they're fiesty, and they'll kill their brothers for the last Kit-Kat bar.

Thanks to the splurgitude of one Mike D., (a different Mike D. than the one on the left), anyhoo me, him, Oleg the short Russian guy, and Ivy Chat Chuck-o-San will be attending Prior's third start on Sunday. The last time I was supposed to hang, we got last winter's only snowstorm. We WILL probably Fight for our Right to Party, somewhat, and somewhere along the way we hope Corey gives us a big FYC! Fuck YOOOOU Chuck, right in the boca

4/22/2005 09:15:00 AM by Rob

Insult on top of injuries

Chicago baseball fans are being treated in 2005 to an exciting team that gets clutch hits, an excellent balance of long-ball bashing and small-ball creativity, and an excellent starting rotation anchored by one of the true Ace pitchers in captivity.

Unfortunately, its the team made for the flea market clerks, meth cookers and blue eye-shadow junkies on the shitty part of town. I know championship baseball when I see it, and even more to the point, I know mediocrity...boy, do I know mediocrity. It's gonna be a looooong year as: the Cubs flounder their way around .500, wasting the best years of Prior's and Zambrano's lives, the Sux claw their way towards the top, their insipid sawed-off chip-on-their-shoulder fans coming out of the sewers and the bars along 111th Street to rag on us (at the expense of being genuinely proud of their own team)...

...and, worst of all, the media shitstorm that is going to brew, fester, and swirl around in a tornadic motion until Dusty Baker's silly ass is shipped back home to Sacramento. If there's one thing worse than having a distant relation of my ex-wife puff his sunken chest out to gloat, it's the Jay Mariottis of the world mashing down the panic button until our eardrums are completely eroded.

Thursday, April 21

4/21/2005 02:40:00 PM by Rob

In like Lions, out like Lambs

Doctors have confirmed that Nomar is quite profoundly injured, and I wonder what effect that had on the team today? They all sure looked like they were in mourning, for they made Chris Carpenter look like the 1998 version of Greg Maddux today.

Zambrano's Dad or someone else like that reminds us all that the very talented and limber Maria Sharapova is now legal tender in all 50 states and pretty much every country in the universe. Would I? Duh...in fact, I think I would insist that she be on top for the first, say, 50 times. For sure her abdominal muscles are far more attractive than mine, so it is only proper that we would position ourselves so that her best features would be most prominent.

Happy Birthday, Maria, from the Uncouth Sloth!! zdorov'ya!

4/21/2005 09:01:00 AM by Rob

But really, I missed the most important point about last night, and I am painfully sorry for doing so...

Carlos Zambrano is the Man.

4/21/2005 08:49:00 AM by Rob

Run, don't walk, to CubsFun

As you know, the other day, I slaved over the hot keyboard for hours to update the ever-growing list of CubsCentric sites. Yesterday, I decided to take a little journey to visit them all.

I always wondered where fun little things like the "Romy and Michelle" knockoff at yer left, the "Dusty Baker Managerial Dice", and other such things came from? Are they being prepared in some heavily fortified bunker somewhere in the Phillipines?

In fact, yes. Run, don't walk, to CubsFun, the single greatest source of Cubs-related satirical imagery in the entire Milky Way galaxy. Joel and kjk know the Cubs, and they know photo editing, and if they're dorks, they're savagely funny dorks.

Like I was telling Tommy this morning, we all in Chicago drew names out of a hat, and I drew Sunday afternoon as my shift to massage Nomar's sore groin. Injuries are the single biggest factor behind sucky seasons, and our Imported from Boston middle infield is out for at least the next month.

Great...Neifi has used up his entire quotient of base hits for the year, Hairston is every bit as mediocre as advertised, and at this point, I'd rather have Wee Man on the team than Macias. This is gonna make the Seige of Stalingrad look like a short wait at a double-laned McD's drive thru.

Wednesday, April 20

4/20/2005 12:24:00 PM by Rob

FYC

Note: this particular entry is chock-full with references to things that happen on the Desipio Message Board, so if you are not a member to that board, then whuttahell ya waiting fur, get over there now and get crackin'

...and if you go there, you will see the same damn picture of Corey Patterson, but my God, that was purty.

See, 'C' stands for Chuck, who as you know hates him some Corey muchly. I have stood in disagreement to him, to a certain extent, because I believe that 1) if our expectations weren't grossly inflated in the first place, and 2) if he was being used according to what skills he has in the second, he would be quite the nice little package for us.

If you've never Desipio'ed, then you've never taken part in "Andy's Live GameCast", where he throws open the comment option during a game, and 12-15 morans type pseudo-witticisms, either under their own handles, or as someone else. For example, I have the option to spew shit as 'Sloth'. But I could just as easily bill myself as 'Corncob Cindy', and pretend I'm giving an oily handjob to Davey Martinez.

The payoff, though, is that whenever Corey swings from his ass and misses by six feet, or overthrows his cutoff man, Chuck will pipe up as himself in effect to say "Told Ya So". But during those glorious times when CoPa (ha) will jack one onto Sheffield, or lay down a sweet bunt, twelve guys will disguise themselves as "Corey P" and simply say "FUCK YOU CHUCK!"

Anyway, to cap it off, and to give you another good reason to join up, a certain Cubs TV play-by-play man also subscribes to the board. So we're trying hard to convince him to say 'FYC' the next time Corey dongs.

So, anyway, to conclude, a towering drive in the top and two leaping catches against the wall in the bottom: was yesterday's first inning the Ultimate 'FYC' moment ever? I say so.

4/20/2005 08:45:00 AM by Rob

Hash Wednesday on 4/20

Duuuuuuude....

Looks like it's not gonna be so hot outside for the loyalists who point to this day
as the day for settlin' back with a couple o' shrubs.

The original Hash Wednesday was conceived at my alma mater, the basketball powerhouse in the cornfields. Of course, I happened to attend at quite possibly the most conservative point in our history. Even the feminists and gay-rights activists were Republicans down there.

My take on Hash Wednesday? OVER-RATED! Clap-clap clapclapclap!

My first one, I was scared for all the folks just casually sittin'-n-hittin' on the grass in the Quad. Surely they were worried about expulsion? Well, it turns out that 2/3rds of the stoners there weren't even students, and most of them that were, were of the "never leaves his room, never goes to class, but somehow is making slow but sure progress towards graduation, how?" variety. There were quick visits by frat boys, making a big show of congregating, lighting up, and dispersing just as quickly.

Me and my roommate, we weren't of the persuasion, so we brought a cooler of beer to enjoy the spectacle. We felt UTTERLY out of place.

But one thing I did notice, nobody got shackled and led away in irons. So the next year, armed with new roommates, I was ready.

We showed up bright-n-early armed with brews, Subways, and a cellophaned frisbee full of herbage. We smoked up, and while still seated in a semi-circle, started whipping the frisbee at one another.

After a while, I thought I was a subway sammich, and I stumbled down Green Street to be with my own kind. After liberating 3 or 4 of my brothers from their internment at the store, I wandered back to find most of my friends had gone to the bars. I left the sammiches there, and eventually made my way home, and immediately upon entering my hovel, completely sobered up. It stunk in there THAT bad.

Lame? Yes, completely. I hope your Hash Wednesday is a bit more fun!

Tuesday, April 19

4/19/2005 11:53:00 AM by Rob

Ratzenberger is now Pope

I suppose if you're not Catholic, then you don't care. Or if you're over 70 and long for the days when masses were still said in Latin, and when there were definite barriers between the Church and its followers, I suppose maybe you're even pleased with this news.

For us younger Catholics, though, this ain't good news. Not, unless, you don't mind belonging to a "virtual church". There just aren't enough people (read: men) who fulfill all the requirements to be a priest anymore, and the new Pope isn't going to do anything to address that. A few more years of attrition, and they're gonna have to shutter most of the smalltown and smaller parishes, so

He and his kind think that there ain't nothing wrong with the Church that can't be fixed by lots of (organized) prayer and going back to the basics, written at a time when there were serfs-n-lords, and women were little more than sperm vessels and scrubmaidens. Which, I suppose, you might figure me all in favor of. But I'd be a serf, and not a very good or obedient one. I'd probably be burned alive at a stake.

Fuck the good old days! They sucked!

4/19/2005 09:26:00 AM by Rob

It's the offense

I am doing something totally out of character today: I am rushing on here first thing to write Cubs content.

I watched the loss last night, and after hearing and reading the bulk of what Cub World has to say, I realize the score was 7-6, but look at this:

IP H R ER K W ERA
B. Weber 2.0 2 0 0 0 1 0 7.94
D. Weathers 1.0 1 0 0 0 2 0 9.00
K. Mercker (W, 1-0) 2.0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1.50
D. Graves (S, 5) 1.0 2 1 1 1 1 0 4.26

After the Cubs got to the seamy underbelly of the Reds' relief corp in the 4th inning, they didn't score again until there were two outs in the bottom of the ninth.

The Reds have quite a lineup, and until such time that Griffey, Dunn, Kearns, Casey, Pena, etc. suffer their season-ending injuries, they are going to score runs in bunches. On the other hand, they have quite a weakness, and it is the men who stand on the low hill and throw balls at the other team's hitters.

I'm sorry. In my mind, Wood, Leicester, etc. did not lose that ballgame last night. Our manager and our offense CANNOT let up like they always seem to do. You have to keep your muthafuckin' foot on their THROAT! Don't let them breathe!! No lead is safe, especially not in that bandbox!! Garciaparra has to stop missing mama, and start hitting the damn ball when it counts.

We should have scored 20 against that bunch, and the way the Reds are set up, you have to.

Monday, April 18

4/18/2005 10:10:00 AM by Rob

Gray's Anatomy on ABC - Sunday 10pmE/9Central

Katherine Heigl wants you to tune in next week, if you aren't already:

Can we count on YOUR support? Good.

The 6-6 Cubs send Kerry Wood to the mound tonight at 6:10 to battle the not-yet-decimated Cincy Reds. I'd like to see a good outing out of him, sure, but what I'd like to see more is some guys like Nomar, Barrett and Burnitz stepping up and collecting some base hits.

If I could have one wish from the Genie of the Lamp, it would be to never, ever again have to see LaTroy Hawkins try to earn a save with a one-run lead. Ever. We need to hit, build some big leads, and beat some people soundly.

Friday, April 15

4/15/2005 03:47:00 PM by Rob

Best time ever at a Cub game

Chicago Cubs 5, New York Mets 4

DayGame Played on Saturday, September 15, 1984 (D) at Wrigley Field

NY N 0 0 2 0 0 0 0 2 0 - 4 6 0
CHI N 4 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 x - 5 6 0

BATTING
New York Mets AB R H RBI BB K PO A
Backman 2b 4 1 1 1 0 0 2 5
Wilson cf 3 0 1 2 1 0 1 0
Hernandez 1b 4 0 0 0 0 1 10 1
Strawberry rf 4 0 0 0 0 0 2 1
Foster lf 4 0 0 0 0 2 1 0
Brooks ss 4 0 0 0 0 1 3 3
Knight 3b 4 1 3 0 0 0 0 1
Chapman pr 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Fitzgerald c 4 1 1 0 0 0 5 0
Fernandez p 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 1
Gardner p 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Heep ph 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0
Schiraldi p 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Hodges ph 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0
Oquendo pr 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0
Orosco p 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Totals 33 4 6 4 2 5 24 12

FIELDING -
DP: 3.
BATTING -
2B: Fitzgerald (14,off Sanderson); Backman (19,off Smith).
BASERUNNING -
SB: Wilson (44,2nd base off Sanderson/Davis).

Chicago Cubs AB R H RBI BB K PO A
Dernier cf 3 1 2 1 1 0 1 0
Sandberg 2b 3 1 0 0 1 1 0 10
Matthews lf 3 1 1 1 1 1 0 0
Cotto lf 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Moreland rf 4 0 1 0 0 0 1 0
Cey 3b 3 1 1 2 1 1 1 1
Davis c 3 0 0 0 1 1 5 0
Durham 1b 3 0 1 0 0 0 15 1
Bowa ss 2 1 0 0 1 0 2 1
Sanderson p 2 0 0 0 0 1 2 1
Smith p 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1
Totals 26 5 6 4 6 5 27 15

BATTING -
2B: Cey (24,off Fernandez); Dernier (24,off Fernandez).
SH: Sanderson (3,off Fernandez).
IBB: Davis (14,by Fernandez).

BASERUNNING -
SB: Dernier (43,2nd base off Fernandez/Fitzgerald).

PITCHING
New York Mets IP H HR R ER BB K
Fernandez L(4-6) 3.2 3 0 5 5 5 4
Gardner 0.1 0 0 0 0 0 0
Schiraldi 3 2 0 0 0 1 0
Orosco 1 1 0 0 0 0 1
Totals 8 6 0 5 5 6 5

Chicago Cubs IP H HR R ER BB K
Sanderson W(8-4) 7.1 3 0 3 3 2 3
Smith SV(32) 1.2 3 0 1 1 0 2
Totals 9.0 6 0 4 4 2 5

WP: Fernandez (1), Smith (5).
IBB: Fernandez (3,Davis).
Time of Game: 2:52 Attendance: 38653

Now, I was at the Sandberg game, too. That kind of hit all at once like a sledgehammer, I was beyond speech that day. On Sept 15, this was the Cubs' 90th win of the year, and from the moment we reported outside the bleachers at 9:30AM, until they dragged me out of the last bar, it was an all-out laughing screaming drunken party. We anticipated, and it did not disappoint.

Darryl the Straw seriously contemplated climbing the ivy so he could wrap his hands around my throat. "Hey Darryl, why dontcha come up here and piss us off some moooore?"

4/15/2005 11:08:00 AM by Rob

The pathetic, twisted mind of the Sloth

Or, Why does the .38 Special song “Caught Up In You” always gives the Sloth warm memories of the Sears Catalog?

Hell, if yer under 25, you might not even recollect the Sears catalog. In one of a million brilliant marketing moves Sears has pulled over the years, sometime in the nineties, they stopped producing the Fall/Winter (which would arrive around the time school let out for the summer), the Big Wish Book (their Christmas xtravaganza, which would arrive on the hottest day of the year) and the Spring/Summer, which usually required snow shoveling to retrieve.

Hell, most of my mom’s shopping was done over the phone from the Sears catalog, since my brother and I hated shopping more than anything on earth, and made it completely unbearable for her to take us anywhere in Person. The biggest problem? The Sears’ Substitution, where they would take it upon themselves to substitute a “like” item for the one you ordered. Like the time my mom ordered me a gray shirt, size 12. They didn’t have the grey shirt in size 12, presumably, so they would be expected to send a grey shirt, size 10. Or a red shirt, size 12. Or perhaps grey pants, size 12. Or, on this particular occasion, a quart of grey PAINT!! I guess we were expected to paint over another shirt, and hope nobody would notice.

But I digress significantly.

As I heard the first few chords of “Caught Up In You” today, it brought me back to the outstanding teen exploitation flick Spring Break, in which the song was prominently featured during a scene when the “hero”, a rich dorky guy, was running to and fro through a Daytona Beach hotel trying to hook up with the hottie played by one Miss Jayne Modean.

So what? Well, this was Jayne’s first (of what I figured to be many, many) starring role in a movie. She was always cast as the “clean” girl alongside Penthouse Pets and Playboy Playmates in whatever she did, and as somebody pointed out in one of her movie reviews, she looked just like Jenilee Harrison (Suzanne Somers’ replacement on “Three’s Company) except she was an even worse actress. Gulp.

Anyway, before “Spring Break”, though, Jayne was fairly famous amongst the pubescent set as the lead model in first JC Penney, then Sears catalogs. (In fact, the pic of her from a mid-70’s JCP is the only known pic of her on the net). You see, back in the day, before the Sloth could obtain and maintain any kind of porn presence, whenever I was stuck with the urge to splurge, I would just lock myself into our single bathroom with my Sears catalog, and whale away to pics of ol’ Jayne Modean in a two-piece bathing suit, or maybe even bra-n-panties. Ahhhh, Good Times.

One more thing: during the arduous research behind today’s essay, I found out that Jayne was briefly married to, and bore a child with….Dave Coulier!!! Oh, My Fucking Gawd!!! This means two things, besides the fact that, ugh, she fucked Dave Coulier:

1) She gave up show biz, because she blamed it for the breakup of her marriage, and
2) SHE was the person of whom Alanis Morrisette sang about in her infamous ode to a lover scorned, “You Oughta Know“, on “Jagged Little Pill”, since she was the woman Dave dumped Alanis for. “Does she go DOWN on you in the…theater?” Amazing.

Thursday, April 14

4/14/2005 10:05:00 AM by Rob

Big Northside Revival Meeting

For various reasons, I make it a point not to refer you, my legions of readers, over to The GoatRiders, but today I can't really add much more to what is being said and read there, complete down to the totally sacriligeous "Book of Dustraham" or whatever Kurt attributes his heathen versillitude as.

For yea, the masses' hearts are of at rest, after witnessing the first coming of the great Francheezie yesterday, for he was of the Francheezie of Old, and yea, it was good. Alleluia. Amen. But what about the Erstwhile Kid K, the second most Overrated sports figure in Chicago, after his manager?

(Oh, and I suppose I oughta give some love to Dusty for rubbing Prior with Holy Pope Water. If he hadn't, Prior would have given up 2 dongs to Geoff Blum, too, Yep, that's the truth).

Perhaps the Cubs know what we all SHOULD know: that the only people who think in the year 2005 that Kerry Wood is an Ace pitcher write for the Tribune. Does he suck? No. Is he talented? Yes, scarily so. Has he been fucked over time and time again by LaTroy Hawkins, AlFuckSucka, Gaguilera, etc? Sure, he has.

Is he inconsistent, injury prone, mechanically unsound, hard-headed and at this point in time, perhaps questioning his own self a little? Oh, yes. For every 20-K game, every one-hitter, every playoff win in Atlanta, we have just as many playoff losses against Florida, and games where he digs us such a hole in the first inning like yesterday.

I'm not saying he's the dress wearing, bullpen-searching Matt Clement. But due to his own limitations, both mental and physical, history will show that Kerry Wood was a innings-eater at best, a .500 starting pitcher, and a man who has been singled out by more than one longtime baseball guy as the next Eckerseley.

So, now that we know this, let's put him in the #5 hole, where he belongs, and figure out whether the 4th starter is named Dempster, Rusch, Guzman, Brownlie, or maybe is on another team right now.

Because if we are waiting for Kerry Wood to carry us, we'd be better off waiting for the Brown Line renovations to be completed.

Wednesday, April 13

4/13/2005 12:50:00 PM by Rob

Queer Eye on the NFL

I guess the furor over steroids has died down, and ESPN, SI, or someone else conducted a poll designed to show today's viewing public and their attitudes about accepting gay athletes. More people would accept a gay shortstop now than would have in 1995, etc.

Anyway, this has led to the usual sniggering and small talk between radio and teevee fucks, and today I heard John Jurkovic a/k/a Jurko, erstwhile NFL defensive tackle, talk show host and onetime roommate of Esera Tuaolo, fudgePacker, mention the fact that, recently, a couple of NFL split ends (pun intended, wheeeee) were at the end of the line, and were ready to "come out" as players, but they decided to retire instead.

So I'm racking my wee humble brain...now Andre Rison has gotta be out of the picture, huh? Curtis Conway still takes snaps, right? How about Tim Brown? Would Heisman Timmy go deep for ya? Who else might it be? Who else, besides Piazza, Pudge, and Brady Anderson, smokes da pole?

Discuss.

4/13/2005 11:07:00 AM by Rob

Fearless Predictions, part XXVII

...where the Uncouth Sloth holds his crystal balls and sees the future..

To yer left is the delectable, blonde (and all it implies) Miss Oklahoma 2005, Laci Scott. I must confess that I did NOT sit through the whole Miss USA pageant the other night. (Miss USA, the glossier, sluttier cousin of Miss America). But I WAS treated to some of her work on the Miss USA Fear Factor prior to the pageant.

She registered high on the Unintentional Comedy Scale with gems such as these: As Joe Rogan was demonstrating how contestants will be subjected to 50 gallons of "fish oil" being dumped on them, Laci asked "What's fish oil?" One of the other budding rocket scientists replied "Oil, from a fish." Not to be quieted, Laci continues: "I didn't know fish had oil".

But, sweetie, America already has Jessica Simpson. We full up with dumb bunnies.

The thing I noticed, outside of her girlish charm and her almost undescribable naivete, is that she is barely 18 years old...all the other contestants were in their 20's, some old as 26 or 27. Seems that this is almost a career path for some of these "misses", some of which have nearly a decade of experience competing in their local, state, and national pageants.

While it IS conceivable that she may decide to stick with it, and with years of wisdom finally win the crown. My crystal balls don't think so.

They think little Laci is going to be our next Porn Queen. Sweeet!!

4/13/2005 09:26:00 AM by Rob

Is it too early to trot out the "must win" card?

It's a beautiful early spring day here in Chicagoland, and today, we will be treated to starts by TWO franchise pitchers.

So WHY am I queasy?

You know why, because you are, too.

I will not argue Mark Prior's readiness to pitch to major league hitters, because I can't. His last start, he was beaten like a Afghan wife who let her veil down. There is no logical reason to believe that he can stifle the Padres today, but stifle them, he must, because there's no way that this offense is going to outscore anyone, as they are comprised now.

Let's look ahead at what happens if one of these guys falters this afternoon. Hell, let's get absolutely medieval, and project what will happen if both crap the bed!! Every last know-it-all, from the blogosphere to the "legitimate" media, will run for the hills, echoing doom and panic from the highest perches. And Dusty Baker, King of All Baseball, will proclaim that there ain't nuthin' wrong with his boys, that it's the media's fault that they lost, which will only serve to piss us off even more, and the vicious cycle that spun out of control ever since Bartman reached out to catch a pop foul will REALLY start to dig in and gain traction.

I'm a Cub fan. Been this way my entire life. I can't even imagine any other alternative. I cannot take it for granted that these two all-stars, blessed with more raw pitching talent than any other existing twosome in the league, will sweep the Pads today. It's just NOT in my programming.

Tuesday, April 12

4/12/2005 03:10:00 PM by Rob

Mini-poll update

In Tha Battle of Da Jailbait, everyone gettin' some love EXCEPT the Olsen Twins. Fine taste, y'all, fine taste...be gone withcha, skeezy crack hoes!!

Yesterday, Raven and her big-ol' juggalos was winning the race. Right now, the leader in the clubhouse is...Amanda Bynes?!?

Well, good for her. She's kept it real (read: wholesome), I haven't heard about her cat-fighting over boy-band singers or other such trash, and them legs go all the way up to her lunch box...stay fresher, longer.

For no reason at all, I've got the Duff sisters up today. Lookee at that 'fuckme' face on older sis Haylie. I sure could go for a thick, juicee Sloth sammich between two slices of Duff. Young Hill, she's still so baby-fat cute, I bet she doesn't swallow, probably won't even let ya bust in her face. Why should she...she's gorgeous?? But that sister of hers, I imagine she's a ballhog. Probably push Hill out of the way just to catch the whole show. Ungh!!

4/12/2005 11:10:00 AM by Rob

Today’s thesis, the same as yesterday’s, the same as tomorrow’s…

First:

Mad propers go out to TimmyB from the Desipio message board and TB media, you'll know why in a minute.

Behind every scholarly thesis, there is background. Observed:

When Carlos Lee decided to bumrush Todd Walker, and put him out for 4-6 weeks, and I strongly lean towards the former, I figured that hey, worse things could happen, because we’ve got Jerry Hairston, and….

…well, we all know what happened yesterday. Neifi Fucking Perez in the two-hole.

Now, Neifi. We have to discern between Neifi the Human Being, Neifi the Legacy, and Neifi the Big League Performer. I don’t know Neifi the Human Being, might be a nice guy; I suspect he is. Neifi the Legacy, may be the strongest category of all. Neifi, of course, occupies a soft spot in all Cub fan hearts for his contribution to the cause in 1998, in the form of an unlikely walk-off dong that beat the Giants and made it possible for the tie-breaking Wild-Card playoff to happen, blah blah blah.

We now come to what REALLY matters today, though, Neifi the Unproductive. Neifi’s very name has become synonymous with weak offense amongst the statheads, and even that isn’t much to me, because there’s plenty of guys with less-than-stellar baseball card lines that know how to win. At least that what guys who don’t WANT to give statheads credit will say. “So what if he doesn’t have a high batting average, or on base percentage, or secondary average, or VORP value, or anything else you want to name. He does things to win ballgames.”

REALLY, now. If you don’t know King Kaufmann from Salon.com, it’s time I brought him up. For he has done the heavy lifting necessary to compile the “Neifi Index”, which measures your team’s won-loss record WITH you and WITHOUT you. The two numbers are divided to provide your Neifi Index. An index above 1 means your presence has a positive effect on your team’s wins, regardless of your personal stats. An index below 1, down to the infinitesimal fractions close to 0, means your presence has a negative impact.

Now, the nitty gritty: who has had the lowest cumulative Neifi Index over his career, so much so that the Index is named after him???? Give you one guess.

So, anyway, now you’re Dusty Baker, and you have the choice of Neifi Perez and other, more worthy candidates to play second base. But you play Perez.

Never mind that statisticians all over the globe can gen up thousands of graphs that tell you he sucks. Never mind that Salon.com tells us that he is a loser. Never mind that millions of fans, from San Francisco to Denver to Kansas City, can tell you how pitiful he is.

YOU’RE DUSTY BAKER, and FUCK ALL THEM OTHER DUDES!!! You know best! You are the KING of baseball, and You have a legacy of winning on your side!

SO, HERE’S THE THEORY: You don’t HAVE to listen to anyone else, not your fans, not your players, not your GM, and certainly NOT the mutha-fucking press!! You do what you want, because YOU KNOW BEST!

Except…except, you tounge-twisting, pick-chewing, tax-evading, drug-toking, wife-cheating, responsibility-avoiding, steroid-covering, shoulder-shrugging, big-game losing poser cumtrack!!! You fly in the face of all convention, out of your SHEER ARROGANCE and inflated self-worth. A brain-damaged slimy-assed eel could have filled out a better lineup card than you did yesterday, you shit-stained punchbowl turd!

Oh, I asked for you, in 2002, and I couldn’t have been more wrong. Christ, I was wrong. In fact, Dusty, you faggot-assed prick…two things you could do for yourself. First, get a man’s name. Then, learn how to say “I’m wrong” once in a while.

I’m not always right, hell, I’m frequently wrong. But I know a shitty turd when I see it, and I know when you’re wrong, hack. And you’re wrong, Baker, and the proof is in the playing. No runs yesterday, and I expect more of the same today against Peavy. You fucked MY team, Baker. MY TEAM, Johnnie B. come lately wad of shit!

Monday, April 11

4/11/2005 09:40:00 AM by Rob

Holla if yer from Upstate New York

I'm not even going to discuss LaTroy Hawkins today. I'm just not gonna touch it. Baker has twelve guys on his pitching staff, and the one I KNOW can't cut it in the ninth is the same one he's running out there now. I don't fucking CARE if he can throw a ball through a cinderblock wall. It isn't Hawkins' fault...what's he supposed to do? Refuse to go out there?

Today, I'm asking assistance from anyone who is: a native of Cooperstown, or is familiar with the area. My dad, brother, and I are going to see Ryno get his on July 31st. We are planning on arriving in town on the 30th, and leaving on the 1st.

I have 2 hotel reservations made right now: a Marriott in Ithaca, and a Mohican motel in Cooperstown itself. We're talking the same money, either way, but sure I'd like to stay in town at the Mohican, unless of course it is a roach palace. Anybody want to let me know, or send me any other suggestions?

I don't mean to turn this into an on-line version of the Wally Phillips Show (people helping people, that's whaaat this is all about) but I figured, hey, toss this out there...

thank you.

Friday, April 8

4/08/2005 02:50:00 PM by Rob

How in the Living F@%K did I miss THIS?

Amanda Bynes, the Olsen Twins, Mandy Moore, Hilary Duff, Alexis Bliedel, Evan Rachel Wood, Raven-Symone AND, AND...Lindsay Lohan???

This cover has existed for 18 months, or more??? And I'm just finding out about this now?

How would The Uncouth Sloth caption this?

How about this:

Three 6.4 ounce tubes of KY-Jelly, and I'm only up to "Duff"....

WRITE YOUR OWN CAPTION!

4/08/2005 11:39:00 AM by Rob

Turn the other cheek

I'm sure we all had one little smartass in school, who would sit in the front of the room, and correct the teacher's mistakes on the board. He would always have these lame things to say, you know, things with million dollar words like "lummox" and "uncouth" that you didn't understand, but you knew full well they were putdowns. And you couldn't just push your fist through his bespectacled face, a lose-lose proposition if there ever was one. Instead, you'd just get all flustered, veins would pop out of your neck, and you'd mutter something about "how lucky he was that he was a dandruff-covered twerp, and you really didn't want any of his scuzz coming off onto your hands" anyway.

I don't know much. But I know what bullshit is, and last year's performance was bullshit. If the Cubs could have channelled even HALF the effort into their play that they spent on all the unnecessary offseason dogshit, they would have kept track with and rose above the Cardinals.

After three games, nothing new has happened. When all we have to hang our hats on is that Jeromy Burnitz is willing to run into fences, that's a true sign that we are all, all hungry for any type of good news, regardless of how small it is. Hitters are still popping up, dropping down and taking that uppercut swing. Pitchers are still picking the corners, throwing well enough to lose. And, most alarmingly, the guys still INSIST on having the last word on everything, whether it comes from Steve Stone, Chip Caray, other announcers, writers, and most of all, umpires.

Whatever happened to the Good Ol' Days, when ballplayers were to be SEEN and not HEARD? Win some games, play situational baseball, and shut the fuck up!!

STFU, Dude.

Thursday, April 7

4/07/2005 09:38:00 AM by Rob

The Losingest Pitcher in the NL

Brandon Webb lost 16 last year, but he held on for the win last night.

Honesty compels me to admit that I love using Chip Caray's little cliche. And Honest also Compels Me to Admit that I did not watch last night's game, which is just as well. I cannot intelligently comment about what happened during Brandon Webb's watch last night, yet a brief scan of the newspapers informs me that there were plenty of Cubs on base last night who did not score, which just smacks of 2004.

I suppose at times "bad luck" can be blamed for losses like these. At other times, far more often in fact, "bad execution" must be blamed, along with specifics like "missing signs", "not cutting down on swing", "not going with pitches", and "not being patient at the plate". I will assume it was "bad execution" last night that sunk us, and leave it up to you, dear readers, to correct me if necessary.

We're almost up to 100K hits. I feel like I owe all of you a debt of gratitude, for taking part of your day to read what I have to say. I would be happy to ship the 100,000th reader my chain-saw carved wooden Cubby Bear that I received this Christmas, but the shipping alone would break my buns. I'll have to think this over in the next couple of days.

In the meantime, keep the faith.

Wednesday, April 6

4/06/2005 08:21:00 AM by Rob

Yesterday's loss

So he gave up two dongs to the Corpse of Luis Gonzalez, probably the only two homers he'll hit all year. He left after five innings, subjecting the bullpen to a full day's work for a second straight day. He knows as much about pitching as anyone alive, and he knows that he has come out the last three Aprils and stunk out the joint, but he seemingly cannot solve his own riddle.

Am I going to give Greg Maddux a pass?

Hell, yes. He's Greg Maddux, for fuck's sake.

I just wish the hitters could have done the same thing yesterday as they did Monday. They should have to do fifty pushups for every pop fly, like Willie Mays Hays in "Major League". Right there, in the batters box. Down and hard, tard-licks!
Down and hard!!! Starting with YOU, Mr. Corey Patterson.

Tuesday, April 5

4/05/2005 12:54:00 PM by Rob

Nice on, RD

RD wanted to inform me of a Coca-Cola commercial featuring a roller-skating Brittany Daniel wanna-be. As the Chipster would say, Honesty Compels Me to admit that I wasn't familar with the body of her work, so to speak.

Guess I'm gonna have to watch a little bit more teevee. If anyone see this commercial, please let me know where (what channel, what time of day, etc). These metrics are important in marketing, you know? It isn't an accident that they show greased-up Army guys scaling rocks on MTV at 11 in the morning, or Little Debbie ads on Springer around the same time slot...

4/05/2005 09:11:00 AM by Rob

Mixed bag

Well, I'll start with the bad news. You live by the sword, you'll die by it, too, and when James Augustine decided to poop the bed last night, the Illini had no choice but to shoot threes every time down the court. Twelve for forty will not win most games, and certainly not in the National Championship game. It was a helluva ride this year, and this Illini fan certainly has no complaints. Deron Williams is going to be a hella pro 2-guard. Sean May, on the other hand, could be a great pro player, but he's gonna have to push himself away from the buffet once in a while. If he could have gone 38-40, even 35 minutes, the Illini wouldn't have come within 20 of UNC.

As for the Chubbies, mostly sunny today! What's not to like about 23 base hits? Everyone wearing blue in the Phoenix area was fighing for a bat. Good gravy, everything was Down and Hard, fundamental baseball, for Christ's Sakes!!! Corey even waited out a walk!! My biggest hope is that we REMEMBER whatever we learned this spring, because watching eight guys take level swings and going with what was pitched was a thing of fuckin' beauty.

I wonder WTF is wrong with Javier Vazquez? How long will it take to get the New York out of him? He tossed up Meat, and the Cubs ate all day!

Finally, we get to the saga of Carlos Zambrano. Baker was right to yank him. I'm actually shocked to shit that he had the nuts to make that call. It was a 9-3 game, but the sacks were juiced, and the way he was huffing and puffing out there, it was quite conceivable that Arizona could come back and make a game out of it.

But the result was that Z lost a sure easy win, and if you're the kind of guy who could win 20, and you only get 33-34 starts in a good year, every win counts. He got fucked on the corners, yes. It wasn't even funny. But he needs to be able to control himself. He should have gotten that last out. He wanted it, sure, but wanting it isn't always enough. You have to hold yourself together. He should be forced to watch re-runs of Greg Maddux pitching, every single day.

Monday, April 4

4/04/2005 02:07:00 PM by Rob

Attention Deficit Disorder is for adults, too

The Illini are playing their most important sporting event ever

The Cubs are starting what could be The Season to Beat All Seasons

God's Representative on Earth is lying in state on an incline board in the Vatican

And what am I wrapped up with today?

Trying to beat that Goddamned All Look Same quiz.

You know the one, if you're a true waster of company time...the quiz where 18 young Asians are shown, and you have to guess whether each one was Korean, Japanese, or Chinese? The first time through, I scored 5 of 18, and was branded "hopeless". 7 is the average. Each time I took it, I did a little worse. I'm down to 2 now.

It'd help if they were holding a plate of food in front of them. I would know if they were holding a chicken almond ding, or some of that raw fish shit with the green paste, or a whole runny-assed plate of that six-year-old cabbage.

Fine, you little fuckers. I'll take a quiz that I know something about. All Look Same, North American Style. Simply pick whether or not the "person(s)" are American or Canadian.

So I score 5 of 10. I'm just fucking stupid, that and the NyQuil I swilled today.

So shoot me, the pop machine was all outa Fanta, so it was the only shit I could find that was Orange.

UPDATEMost of us were born too late: Oral Sex isn't really sex: Teens

4/04/2005 08:56:00 AM by Rob

It's a completely overwhelming day

We can talk dead reclining popes, we can talk opening day rosters for the Cubs, or on how it appears that Kerry Wood is good to go, or that quite possibly, Mark Prior is not. We can talk about the Fighting Illini, who have gone where no Illini have gone before. We can discuss the ridiculousness that is Ryne Sandberg, wearing a helmet and firesuit, guiding a stockcar for a NASCAR commercial. We can discuss how Vegas and society at large is favoring UNC tonight. We could discuss the pile of moolah I made betting the under Saturday night, or how I spent same pile on something as mundane as drywall.

What I think I'm going to bitch about today is the WGN commercials for the Cubs' season opener, which features their "New Look" lineup.

1. CF Corey Patterson L
2. 2B Todd Walker L
3. SS Nomar Garciaparra R
4. 3B Aramis Ramirez R
5. RF Jeromy Burnitz L
6. 1B Derrek Lee R
7. LF Todd Hollandsworth L
8. C Michael Barrett R
9. RHP Carlos Zambrano S

Now, as you all know, I'd much rather see Jerry Hairston playing left, batting leadoff, with Corey batting seventh. But, other than Burnitz in right field, the other eight men in this lineup were on the team last year. I guess the "new look" means "without Sammy". To me, "new look" means "rebuilding", and I don't even want to think that we are even Remotely Close to being in rebuild mode. I want this team to win, early, often, by scoring runs. "New Look" lineups don't score a lot of runs. "New Look" lineups don't make $5MM per man on average.

I don't like the vibe I'm getting from the Ramirez negotiations, either. Look, in the 32 years since we traded Ron Santo, we've had a real third baseman maybe 5 entire seasons since that time, and 1 1/2 of those were Ramirez. Quit fuckin' around, and get this guy in line!! Never mind, 4/44, player opt-out after 2006, 2009 year mutual option. Get 'er Done!

Saturday, April 2

4/02/2005 11:25:00 AM by Rob

Real Young stuff alert

Sitting on my ass today, just saving my seat for the Illini, and "My Dog Skip" comes on, and Frankie Muniz looked really young in it...and I wondered, whatever happened to the cute little girl, Rivers, from the movie?

Well, her name is Caitlin Wachs, and she's been (guess where?) The WB, home of starlets everywhere. She hasn't had much luck after "Skip", but she was in something called "Kids of America" which features Julie Bowen as a high-school principal run amok. Gonna have to grab me a big tub of popcorn with xxtra greezy butter, and check that one out.

Turns out, she just turned 16, so its a couple of years before I can start describing her assets in the glowing terms for which I am known. But consider yourself told.

EYE-ELL-ELL.....

Friday, April 1

4/01/2005 01:58:00 PM by Rob

Obviously, a big weekend

On Monday, the Cubs start out yet again to earn that elusive National League Pennant, but their ultimate game of the year is still far far away, whereas the he-man stud dawgs University of Illinois Fighting Illini have a big old barn dance starting tomorrow, and hopefully lasting until late Monday night.

If you are not an Illini fan, in fact, if you are not a close relative of Rick Pitino, please let me impress on you some facts about the coach of the dogmeat Louisville Cardinals:

- He went to a Final Four with Providence (?!?) and used it as leverage to take over the New York Knicks.
- He ran the Knicks into the ground.
- Leaving in disgrace, he surfaced at Kentucky, and went to a Final Four with them. Hell, I think he won the whole thing. Anyway, he used it as leverage to take over the Boston Celtics.
- He ran the Celtics into the ground.
- Leaving in disgrace, he surfaced in Louisville, and has taken his team to a Final Four.

Do you REALLY want Rick Pitino to win any more games this year, then use it as leverage to obtain a GM/Coach position in the pros again? Do you really want to see him destroy, say, Dallas, the Lakers or the Wizards? He's had two other chances to become a college-level legend, like Coach K, the General, and Dean Smith (nobody can be John Wooden. Forget about it) and he's pissed them both away, spurning the college ranks like an old hometown honey for a taller, thinner, richer model from the city.

Lose, adulterer!! Die like a stuck pig, you filthy philanderer! Drafter of busts, sawed off pipsqueak Napoleononic crapstick!!

God is wearing Orange this weekend, and the Pope can't wait to get up there to watch the game with Him in Super Maximum HD...they won't have it HERE for years!!

4/01/2005 09:57:00 AM by Rob

I LOVE Ryne Sandberg, but...

...for what reason is he always out there now, trying one ill-advised post-career move after another? He couldn't possibly need the money. Is he just a hypernut, bored? Is his new wife making him try his hand as a coach, as a radio host, and most recently, as a "baseball expert" for Yahoo! Sports? Nice guy, good guy, just not a real bright guy, with no real entertaining qualities about him.

Let's just sit back and enjoy the first part of his initial foray into print journalism:

Baseball's big winners

By Ryne Sandberg, Yahoo! Sports
March 31, 2005

I was fortunate enough to win the National League's Most Valuable Player award in 1984. It was an award that did not come easy. It required me to play at a higher level, and that effort, for the first time in my career, took a Cubs team to the postseason.

Consistency for a full season is very hard to come by. You have to stay healthy, you have to be consistent, and you have to produce on a daily basis. With all of the All-Star players in the league, to be singled out as the MVP was very gratifying to me. After winning an award like that, I felt I needed to maintain that type of contribution every year

Yep, for all you little leaguers out there. In order to acheive consistency, you have to be consistent.

Thank you, Ryno. Thanks again.

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