4/12/2005 11:10:00 AM by Rob

Today’s thesis, the same as yesterday’s, the same as tomorrow’s…

First:

Mad propers go out to TimmyB from the Desipio message board and TB media, you'll know why in a minute.

Behind every scholarly thesis, there is background. Observed:

When Carlos Lee decided to bumrush Todd Walker, and put him out for 4-6 weeks, and I strongly lean towards the former, I figured that hey, worse things could happen, because we’ve got Jerry Hairston, and….

…well, we all know what happened yesterday. Neifi Fucking Perez in the two-hole.

Now, Neifi. We have to discern between Neifi the Human Being, Neifi the Legacy, and Neifi the Big League Performer. I don’t know Neifi the Human Being, might be a nice guy; I suspect he is. Neifi the Legacy, may be the strongest category of all. Neifi, of course, occupies a soft spot in all Cub fan hearts for his contribution to the cause in 1998, in the form of an unlikely walk-off dong that beat the Giants and made it possible for the tie-breaking Wild-Card playoff to happen, blah blah blah.

We now come to what REALLY matters today, though, Neifi the Unproductive. Neifi’s very name has become synonymous with weak offense amongst the statheads, and even that isn’t much to me, because there’s plenty of guys with less-than-stellar baseball card lines that know how to win. At least that what guys who don’t WANT to give statheads credit will say. “So what if he doesn’t have a high batting average, or on base percentage, or secondary average, or VORP value, or anything else you want to name. He does things to win ballgames.”

REALLY, now. If you don’t know King Kaufmann from Salon.com, it’s time I brought him up. For he has done the heavy lifting necessary to compile the “Neifi Index”, which measures your team’s won-loss record WITH you and WITHOUT you. The two numbers are divided to provide your Neifi Index. An index above 1 means your presence has a positive effect on your team’s wins, regardless of your personal stats. An index below 1, down to the infinitesimal fractions close to 0, means your presence has a negative impact.

Now, the nitty gritty: who has had the lowest cumulative Neifi Index over his career, so much so that the Index is named after him???? Give you one guess.

So, anyway, now you’re Dusty Baker, and you have the choice of Neifi Perez and other, more worthy candidates to play second base. But you play Perez.

Never mind that statisticians all over the globe can gen up thousands of graphs that tell you he sucks. Never mind that Salon.com tells us that he is a loser. Never mind that millions of fans, from San Francisco to Denver to Kansas City, can tell you how pitiful he is.

YOU’RE DUSTY BAKER, and FUCK ALL THEM OTHER DUDES!!! You know best! You are the KING of baseball, and You have a legacy of winning on your side!

SO, HERE’S THE THEORY: You don’t HAVE to listen to anyone else, not your fans, not your players, not your GM, and certainly NOT the mutha-fucking press!! You do what you want, because YOU KNOW BEST!

Except…except, you tounge-twisting, pick-chewing, tax-evading, drug-toking, wife-cheating, responsibility-avoiding, steroid-covering, shoulder-shrugging, big-game losing poser cumtrack!!! You fly in the face of all convention, out of your SHEER ARROGANCE and inflated self-worth. A brain-damaged slimy-assed eel could have filled out a better lineup card than you did yesterday, you shit-stained punchbowl turd!

Oh, I asked for you, in 2002, and I couldn’t have been more wrong. Christ, I was wrong. In fact, Dusty, you faggot-assed prick…two things you could do for yourself. First, get a man’s name. Then, learn how to say “I’m wrong” once in a while.

I’m not always right, hell, I’m frequently wrong. But I know a shitty turd when I see it, and I know when you’re wrong, hack. And you’re wrong, Baker, and the proof is in the playing. No runs yesterday, and I expect more of the same today against Peavy. You fucked MY team, Baker. MY TEAM, Johnnie B. come lately wad of shit!

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