It started out as a Cub blog with cuss words. I'm still cussin'; it's the Cub part I'm a little squishy on these days.

The Sloth is not intended for younger or sensitive readers!

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Bruce, we gave you tha keys, and THIS is what you brought home?

¿Dónde está mi dinero, las rameras?

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Friday, May 28

This week's poll results

By a 2-1 margin, those of you who want to cut the Great Human Hamstring Pull at the end of the year outweigh those who want to string him along a year at a time.

Not that he would probably agree to such a thing.

Not a single, solitary one of you will agree with HIM, in that he deserves a three-year deal.

So, this week's poll is the next logical step: who will play left next year, and how do we get him?

Double digit Disabled list

The most since....1970?

As in the year after 1969...Coincidence? I think not.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, if you don't believe in The aren't with me.

We may be deeper than in years past, true. But after the black cat, Durham's glove, Bartman...if THIS doesn't convince you that there is some higher power, somewhere, who really doesn't want us to win...I can't help you see it my way.


Thursday, May 27

Making chicken salad out of chicken shit

Hey, if you use enough mayo, maybe dice a couple of green onions, celery, you can pretty much hide the taste.

Going to sleep last night, I was as low as I have been all year. Maddux, in a word, sucks. Our offense is wildly inconsistent, and our biggest rival just beat us in a 2-game series. To me, all this series was designed to do was send a message. If they split, fine. But if someone sweeps, as Houston did, then they can hold that over our heads for the final 17 games. And if you think the first two games out of 19 are insignificant, then pay REAL close attention to what the players say for the rest of the season, right before they play the AssTrolls.

Invariably, every thing that comes out of their mouths will start with something like "Well, they swept us those first two games in Houston, and we have to....", and the "have to" will be, whatever: pitch better, hit better, run the bases better, field the position better...whatever.

Basically, I went to bed feeling that we were already beaten for the year against these ass-clowns.

But, when I woke up, and read the Houston, Chicago, and national papers, all anyone can talk about is Andy Pettitty's elbow.

To me, guys-n-gals, that's a big relief.

Let 'em worry about whether or not Andy can comb his own hair, or wipe his own ass. Hell, if he can't, I'm sure his friend Rocket Roger will be ONLY TOO WILLING to help. Let them take the emphasis away from the games themselves. This is the best possible thing that could happen to us, after losing two games in the submissive way that we did.

As for Maddux, if he even gave one rat-fucking ounce about his ball team, he would learn to pitch to Mike Barrett, because his personal ass-licker, Gabor Bako, doesn't deserve to wear the uniform anymore. I could wander through Mendota High School's weight room right fucking NOW, as we speak, and find five guys that can hit better than Bako.

And that's no idle threat...we got a couple of guys who are liable to be drafted this summer. We can hit..just can't pitch.


Wednesday, May 26

It sucks that the All-Majestic Five has fallen away...

But, wait!!

Click the handy button on the top of the page, anytime you want to view the most current All-Majestic entries. Girls may come and girls may go, but the Sloth is right on top of them.

Mmmm, yeah.

And, since I'm all pissed off today..

Chip and Stoney should be IMMEDIATELY dismissed from their jobs as CUBS TV broadcasters.

I don't usually comment on media, but the gushy, spermy Man Love those two just oozed their warm cum all over Beege, Bags, Adam Everett, Bergman, Oswalt, and everything else wearing an AssTroll uniform.

My God, I knew what was coming, and I was literally physically sickened. Everything they did was great, both of the B boys are first ballot hall-of-famers, and when they are, both Chip and Stoney are going to show up, Bachelor Trish-like, at their hotels and spread their gaping cornholes in the vain hope that Bags or Biggio might partake.

Shit, I guess in a way Bergman deserves some of the kudos, since he's just a man beast at the plate. But this is the ENEMY, the most likely barrier to our playoff participation, and you are quite literally bending over backwards, nude, so that your scrawny little genetalia is completely exposed, every time Bags or Beege run, throw, spit, chew, or scratch.

Fuck you Chip, and screw you Stone, couple of turn-coat vaseline-slicked gerbils

Disclaimer: I don't think there is anything wrong with homosexuality, and hold it to the same regards that I do heterosexuality, in that it should be held between consenting adults, that it should be a component in a committed relationship, and finally, that it be dignified and shall not infringe on the rights of others, the final point being the one that Chip and Stoney breach, as they spend time lusting after Astro players that they OUGHT to spend analyzing the ballgame.

And now, your Anti-Iraq War comment of the day

Rick Telander has been seemingly losing his mind over the last few years, so it's hard to generally agree with him. But one of the minor points in his article for today, if nothing else, illustrates something I have been saying for years.

15 years ago, Iran and Iraq fought a brutal war against each other (which, coincidentally, we helped IRAQ with because we hated Iran, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend). Today, IRAN is boycotting some pre-Olympic events being held here, in protest of our involvement in IRAQ.

The point is, all these Islamic countries are like family. They have squabbled for 4,000 years, and if we can keep the planet in one piece, they will squabble for 40,000 more.

All our war is doing is serving to UNITE the Islamic countries of the world, and CONCENTRATING their terrorist efforts not on each other, but on US.

We have NO business being there, certainly not when we have NO concept of how the Islamic world works.

Hell, I'll just say it.


I'm hundred percent positive on this, final answer.


Conspiracy Theory, part XVII

The latest in a series of posts describing the true purpose of Chicago Cub Ownership

Prior, Wood, and Sosa are being handled like veal. And who could blame Cubs management for being over-cautious?

In the meantime, the Club is treading water, barely. I'm going to give Dusty CREDIT for the fact that this team is above .500. There are losses, like last night's, where I just abandon all hope that we are going to win ANYTHING, because we suck so God Damn bad. Then, they manage to go out and win one, to avoid the Dreaded Long Losing Streak, the historical Grim Reaper of all past Cub teams.

Well, I for one blame Cub management. Prior has a sore calf, Wood a sore arm, Sosa a sore back. COME ON!! Lou Gehrig, Cal Ripken, and Pete Rose are spinning in their baseball graves. I get up every day in some sort of pain...but I suck it up. When I was in some sort of physical shape, and my town or school baseball or basketball team was counting on me, and I woke up with a killer leg cramp, or a stiff neck...I sucked it up and played.



In the eyes of the Tribune, Prior and Wood and Sosa aren't "players". They aren't even "prospects". They are "property", assets if you will. More precisely, they are "expenditures", and their guaranteed contracts represent a RISK to the beancounters in Trib Tower. What's more important to them: whether we win a pennant, or whether the asset is kept in good shape over the life of the contract, and that if necessary, be in top tradeable shape.

A curious thing happens in our local media: the non-Tribune side of it has been the more optimistic when it came to Cub injuries, while the Tribune-controlled portion has always been pessimistic. WGN and the Tribune CAN'T WAIT to announce how badly Sosa's back hurts, and Wood's arm, etc.

The Trib has taken great pains to play UP the injuries, to justify the extended trips to the DL, to protect the asset, to lessen the risk that the asset will not be able to perform for the life of its contract. Notice how purposefully I have de-humanized the assets? It rubs the lotion on itself.....

Meanwhile, we have to look at Ramon Martinez and Sergio Mitre wail away, and watch Todd Hollandsworth let ANOTHER line drive fall in front of him.

So, for all you lemmings lining up to pat Hendry and McFail on the back for "stepping up" and "spending the money"...what good is it to have a stocked pitching staff if you put them on the shelf at the first hint of a sniffle?


Bullshit....ain't gonna happen. Get your ass out there, and earn your money.


Tuesday, May 25

Who would have thought?

Who would have thunk it, that Moises Alou is one of our toughest, most reliable stud hosses?

So the question comes up...he has an $11 milldo club option next year, and the club has more or less said that they aren't gonna touch it. So what do you do with Aloouuuuuuuuu?

Even though he turns 38 this year, he is probably going to want one last BIG dip into the ol' feedbag. What do you do, assuming at this point in time that Carlos Beltran will be a free agent this winter?

So I finally got off my dead ass and put a poll up. Vote early and often...after all, this IS the Chicago Way. Get your dead relatives to vote, too. I exclude nobody, except for meth-cooking mullet-combing cabbage-eating sawed-off paranoid fuckmonkey Sux fans.

More response to the All Majestic-Five

There are a few people who really, really know what floats my boat, who wanted to know what the hell happened to Claire Danes on my list.

Yeah, well, she's off, forever.

Do you know who Billy Crudup and Mary-Louise Parker are? Crud-up, who is aptly named, was the lead singer of "Stillwater" in Almost Famous, and Parker is a little hottie who has been in a bunch of movies I've never heard of.

Anyway, a couple of months ago, as Parker was 6 months pregnant with Crudup's child, he left her, for Guess Who?

Claire Danes...Yale graduate, red-haired waif, home wrecker slut.

Fuck you up the ass, Claire.

Full-contact Slugbug


School is over, so you know what time it is?

YEP!, it's Car Vacation Time!!

And when the batteries run out on your Game Boy and your Walkman, and when you're sick to death of I Spy and the License Plate Game, it's time for the best Car Game Ever!


Here are the e-z to follow rules:

1) The first one who sees one of the following cars gets to dole out punishment to anyone of his choosing:

Slug Bug (Volks Beetle) - 1 punch
PT Bruiser (PT Cruiser) - 1 punch
Shaggin' Wagon (station wagon) - 1 punch
Woodchuck (a vehicle with wood grain exterior) - 1 punch

Woodchuck Combo (a woodchuck shaggin' wagon, PT bruiser, or taxi) - 2 punches
Woodchuck Slug Bug (heretofore never seen) - 3 punches
Slug Bug Animals (ie: a pink slug bug decorated to resemble a pig) - unlimited punches, until the punchee makes the noise of the animal (ie: Oink)

2) No Double Jeapordy - each sighting can only be used once. If you see the same vehicle later on (due to passing, etc), the next sighting may NOT entitle the finder to punches.

3) Illegal punches - either due to Double Jeapordy or other error - may be returned in double.

See how EZ? Go nuckin' futs! Have fun!

WARNING: if you are an only child, or otherwise the only child on the trip, please refrain from Full Contact SlugBug. Dad HATES to be punched when he's trying to decide to take the ramp for 80/90 or 94...


Monday, May 24

Aggregious oversight on my part

When someone says "Top 5", that usually means 5.

Catherine Bell..thanx, famousbabes

Somehow, somewhere, Catherine Bell needs to be in here.

But who to send packing? By rights, it ought to be the youngsta, Lindsey Lohan., can't do it. Maybe Jessica Biel.

What, Jess, what's with the long face? Ha! Get it.....?

It ain't gonna be Laura Prepon...over my dead, redhead-lovin' body...

(Ps. Wigs, calm down, boy. Yes, I love ya. Like a brother.)

Virginia's right

Came here to talk about Kerry Wood's bicep, ends up seeing a pair of Laura Prepon's very sheer underpants. She's right...we're perverts.

And do I like them young? Guess so. Wrinkles and "character" really don't do it for me. Ironic, my 15 year old thinks he's the MILF-master, and I wouldn't touch any of the moms he's looking at with Forklift's dick.

I did manage to watch a lot of Cubs baseball this weekend. As I have said, Dusty just lets the boys go out and "recreate", and he doesn't worry so much about situational offense. Which, when you have people like the Ol' Railsplitter holding them down, you can get away with.

Cubs Baseball...where you see more Men Left On Base than an aircraft carrier that inadvertently sailed off in the middle of furlough.

OK, that was a nasty bad attempt at humor. My most humble apologies.

Where does my barrameter pressure read right now? We're tied for first, with a team playing completely out its ass right now, and three of our all-stars are on the DL. It looks like Prior's doing ok, while Sosa and Wood will be out longer than expected. Wood could not complete his assignment yesterday, and Sosa isn't even staying for games, since his back will not allow it.

This could have been our first chance to experience a wall-to-wall dominant pennant run. But will God allow us such a selfish pleasure?

HELL, no....He's going to make us sweat out every fucking drop.


Friday, May 21

Trying to get back into the swing of things

As previously mentioned in this fine blog, I do suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and have been treated in the past for depression, panic disorder and other various psychoses. I usually have four-to-five day episodes of wildly spinning thoughts, pounding heart, sweats, delirium, etc.

During these times, I tend to feel a little better if the Cubs manage to win that day. If it happens in the winter, well, I just feverishly scour the internet, looking for any Cub news that I can twist to serve my purpose.

There are other things that occupy my mind, besides my lack of confidence in my ability to carry on healthy relationships with my loved ones. There is, of course, World War III, and there are babes.

Last week, it was all about WWIII, and it didn't go over so well. It got you buzzing.

This week, spurred on by Joe and Dave from the bleachers, who both submitted their version of the "fantastic five", I'll update mine, as I do from time to time.

You know, the supposed "all majestic" list of the five members of the opposite sex that you and your significant other are supposed to discuss, that in the infitesmal probability that one of these people knocked on your front door, and begged you to run off to Fiji with them, you can go, no questions asked. I actually know quite a few people who do this, although I never have. I don't think Wendy would think much of the concept. I know I'd probably make myself violently ill to find out SHE had such a list. Who knows...maybe we should.

You gotta have a few obvious entries, one really young girl that makes you feel guilty just thinking about it, and one left-field entry that you'd never guess, but maybe I make you think about it for a second.

So, without further eloquence:

The UNCOUTH SLOTH'S All-Majestic Fantastic Five

Elisha Cuthbert - thanx primenova

As previously mentioned, it's been a pleasure watching this one grow from Nickelodeon campfire girl to a pornstar in "Girl Next Door". Of course, we all know her from "24", which I have only watched once, saw her, and thought "Good fucking Lord,!?!" Found out, pulled up her bio, found the link between "Are You Afraid of the Dark" and the present day...

Jessica Biel - thankx primenova

Only one reason ever to rent the latest incarnation of "Chainsaw Massacre", or to ever sit through "Summer Catch", to see Jessica in a tank top and daisy dukes. The Best Body on TV, flat out. Of course, she's not that pretty, and anyone's who has ever had to sit through "7th Heaven", even that killer body can't keep you from trying to claw your eyes out with her bad acting.

Jessica Alba - thanx adored celebrities

The current Babe Du Jour, everyone from Eminem to Andre 3000 wants to marry Jessica Alba. I imagine Beyonce fills the same niche for a number of guys, and who am I to argue? But, "Honey" really, really sucked, but I can't say I have ever seen anyone else hotter in a movie role. Wear that wife-beater anywhere you want, young lady. Muy bonita!

Lindsay Lohan - thanx, Desipio

Yep, the moratorium is still in order for this almost-18-year-old. The journey from the too-cute-for-words redhead doing double duty in "The Parent Trap" to major street-legal babe is almost complete, then we can talk more about what Lindsay Lohan and "double duty" means to me.

Laura Prepon - thanx, famousbabes

Finally, the Sloth's wild card. Very few shows I actually watch regularly, and "That 70's Show" is one of the few. Tomboy? Yeah. Actually, Jersey grrl, which is pretty much the same thing. I love TALL redheads, I love the voice, the tight-fitting low-slung bell-bottoms, her wide, juicy the last episode, Eric leaves her at the altar. For that, we quote Eric's dad on the show, "Eric, once again, let me tell you that you...are...a dumbass!" Mincing little bastard. You wouldn't know what to do with Laura Prepon...a real wo-man!

He's healthy! Mark Prior is Healthy!

Yup. He done real good last night in his first spring training start. All signs point to having a full pitching staff come the first week of June.

Wood should be healthy by then, Remlinger should be here, and possibly even Ryan Dempster. It is going to be real interesting to see how this staff does, once it comes around. We will be as loaded as the 90's Braves or the 70's Oriole staffs.

Can pitching finally carry the Cubs to a pennant?

Because, it's obvious, the offense isn't going to win any pennants for us this year.


Thursday, May 20

He hit the piss out of it

A line drive, walk off pisser by Moises Alou won it for us last night. Way to go, Moises! I'm sure your dad is really proud of you! I bet Mom is even prouder, seeings how dad left her when you were just a kid. Way to stick it to the horny old goat!

Not much else out of me today, just tell me which part of Greg Couch's Sun-Times article is wrong. I thought Todd Walker was going to adjust his own game to fit in the leadoff role, but injuries and human nature have taken their toll on his OBP. Couch concedes that there is little hope of bringing back Kenny Lofton, not because the Yankees want him so bad, but due to his bridge-burning with regards to Sam-Me, and the fact that Corey Patterson isn't injured, he wouldn't fit well.

A lead-off candidate is either going to have to play short or second, which I guess explains why you hear so much talk about acquiring the Ghost of Omar Vizquel. Obviously, this doesn't rotate my fan blades, since I am never in favor of bringing in has-beens to temporarily fill a hole. Rains come, neighborhood dogs dig, and next thing you know, the hole is back and even deeper.

But, I suppose there are those who feel the time is NOW, and if you are one of these, a quick fix is copasetic with you. I might have to live with trying it your way this year.


Wednesday, May 19

Today is Bob Hendley Day on the Sloth

True Cub and Baseball fans know the story of Bob Hendley.

One night in 1965, Bob pitched the game of his life for the Cubs vs. the Los Angeles Dodgers, then destined for a world championship. A recent minor-league callup, he gave up one bloop hit the whole night, and one unearned run.

The problem, of course, was that his mound opponent that night was Sandy Koufax, and all he did that night was throw a perfect game, which incidentally was the last time the Cubs were no-hit. All other teams in existence in 1965 have been no-hit since.

All other teams in existence in 1972 have pitched a no-hitter since Milt Pappas threw his for the Cubs. There's some connection there, I'm just not sure what it is. It would seem that, if the wind is blowing in, it would be relatively more likely to hold an opponent down in the cozy confines. Even the notoriously slow-legged outfielders we have put out there.

Anyway, Jason Schmidt lost his shot at SportsCenter greatness last night, because the Big Ugly went out and did to the Braves what he threatened to do to us earlier this year. In nearly 140 years of big-league ball, there have only been 17 perfect games. Sometimes, it is overpowering, unconventional guys like Koufax and Johnson. Other times, it is Bobby Witt, David Wells, and Len Barker that pull it off.

I guess hitting 4 dongs in a game happens less often, but, hey, hitting 5 in a game is rarer still, since nobody has. Until that time, the perfect game is, to me, the ultimate in single-game individual dominance.

Kenny Holtzman was just a batting practice pitcher in 1965, and he was summoned to throw BP that night, since he was left-handed. He would, of course, live to throw 2 no-hit games himself, so he was no slouch. But, this night, he was instructed to just lay it in there for his teammates.

Nobody could touch HIM that night, either. According to Jane Leavy, semi-authorized author of Koufax's best selling biography, Holtzman remembered thinking "If they can't hit ME out there, what in the world are they going to do against Koufax?"

Point is, sometimes you just suck. You don't come to play, and you get your shit handed to you. This wasn't because Sam-Me wasn't there to save us, although I believe Todd Hollandsworth is beginning to show the stress of playing every day. Some guys were never meant to play every day (see Hill, Glenallen).

The rest of the Giants pitching sucks, which is why Schmidt was allowed to flap his arm 144 times last night. Obviously, they don't trust their pen at ALL, so let him finish up, and give him an extra day (or two) of rest. We did this with Wood, and it seemed to work out reasonably well, sore tricep considered.

We ought to hit better tonight. Just for once, I'll try to be mellow about it.

God help us if they can't push one across today.


Tuesday, May 18

Nobody remembers Glenallen Hill?

This is for all of you who are using the term "pipped", (as in Wally Pipp, the poor soul Lou Gehrig replaced) in referring to The Phenomenom Known As Jose Macias.

Anyone who is advocating that Macias ought to permanently replace Grud and Walker at second must have the attention span of a gnat, the perspective of a carnival goldfish, and the sense of history only found in 14-year-old lipstick whores.

I dunno if they just happen to have a good roasted-goat-and-beans guy in San Diego, and I am glad Macias had such a big weekend. We needed it, and I say TRADE HIM NOW!!

Only kidding....sort of.

Dusty has been known to ride the hot hand, but if the answer is Jose Macias, the question shouldn't have been asked. We don't have time this year to experiment, play hunches, and try to catch fireflies in a coke bottle. The guys that we KNOW can play should play.

Let's win once, then if we want to give Macias a test drive, fine.

Uh oh, I got Cub Fan soldiers reading this

The complete unexpurgated text of an email from Mike Comar of, and my reply:

--- Michael Comar wrote:
> First off I would like to say my name is Mike Comar.
> I have been reading your personal conflict/thoughts
> on politics and you and me are probably the exact
> opposite in terms of the way we feel about Bush and
> Iraq.
> I believe in what we are doing in Iraq. I believe it
> is fair and noble cause. That we are doing vastly
> more good than we are doing harm. I am a soldier
> myself, I served with the 3rd Infantry Division. And
> if Bush is re-elected I may re-enlist to active duty
> to go to Iraq myself. So I take seriously what goes
> on over there, what the situation is like, and how
> the media and democrats try and portray everything
> we are doing over there is a failure. I don't know
> what I would do if I didn't have the internet. I
> would probably be depressed and falling for the Iraq
> is a quagmire and failure crap that I hear. But I
> get to read Iraqi blogs and blogs from our soldiers
> on the ground.
> Maybe we can discuss in an e-mail exchange the
> reasoning behind some of our thoughts. I don't agree
> with some of the things Bush does, but when it comes
> to John Kerry he repulses me probably in the same
> way Bush does to you.
> Some things you say in your posts I cant completely
> understand, and I just want to fire off a quick shot
> back. In the end nothing is solved and no knowledge
> is gained through that action so I tend to hold
> back.
> If not, we can just bitch about Jose Macias and Rey
> Ordonez. LoL.


First off, and I know you didn't say this, but, if I have ever put across the notion that I do not support our troops, I apologize. If you are brave enough to enlist, and more importantly, if you are adult enough to deal with the consequences of enlisting (ie. you may end up going to war) then you are far braver than I, and I salute you.

Next, you didn't exactly say this, either, but if you were there, then obviously you have a better idea about what is being done on a day-to-day basis than I am. It seems that we are truly trying to drag these people into the modern ages, and if most of the people there are grateful to us, then good.

But sometimes you can be too close to something, and from where I sit, there has been no satisfactory explanation offered by our Administration for why we are in Iraq. I have relatives there, they enlisted, they knew the risks, and fortunately, none of them have been killed.

I fear for them every day, and I would hate to think that one of them died for something that hasn't been satisfactorily explained.

If you truly believe that Saddam Hussein was a threat to American security, then God bless you.

I never believed he was. There has been NO proof offered that shows he had ANYTHING to do with 9/11, and I suppose if proof were shown, then yeah, go ahead, lay waste to his nation.

Yeah, Kerry makes my skin crawl. But I don't support Bush, either, and I truly want to be able to make a good choice in November. All I know is, America is far less safe now as we were in 2000, and a big reason behind that is due to the quagmire in Iraq. Whether you want to believe that the actions of several misguided prison guards should have little bearing on how the rest of the world regards us...well, it does.

Fact is, if you throw your weight around, people are going to resent you. I fear that is what is happening to us, now.

I want to do my best to write funny stuff about topics surrounding the Cubs, but real life has really elbowed itself in lately, and I just can't get my mind past it. If I never wrote anything political again, I would be a much happier person.

I wish the best for you in whatever decision you make, and if you do decide to go to Iraq, please stay safe.



Monday, May 17

Sammy Sosa v. Frank Thomas

I have a friendly wager with a co-worker, who is also a baseball fan who prefers the White Sox. I cannot call him a Sox Fan, because his whole life doesn't revolve around bad things happening to the Cubs. He knows baseball, and actually follows the game and the entire league far more closely than I.

Anyway, the wager is this: if the Sux ever get rid of the Big Skirt, I owe him lunch. But, if the Cubs ever get rid of Sam-Me, he owes me lunch.

To his credit, when Thomas was in his 45-day free agent window a couple of winters ago, he wasn't that excited, because he knew nobody was going to give the big gorilla half the money the Sux would.

It can be argued that Thomas is as deserving of Hall-of-Fame consideration as Sosa. While Thomas has fewer homers, he has as many RBI (1407 to Sosa's 1474), and a much higher BA/OPS/SLG split (.309/.429/.567 to Sosa's .278/.349/.547).

Anyway, all this leads to a big baseball question all over the Chicago media today: suppose Frank and Sammy were to go out today and equally fuck up, somehow, either on or off the field? Frank's fanbase would be far more likely to turn against him. Why is that?

The reasons why are as varied and as polar as the differences between Cub and Sux fans:

- As mentioned before here, the true "Sox Fan" doesn't care as much about his/her own team, as much as they hate our own team. Their players, sadly, are only out there because, after all, someone has to wear the uniforms. Their fans need their players to be the entity that they pretend to rally around. But, really, they could be 25 identical robots, just as long as the line "Chicago" appears somewhere in the AL Central standings, so these drama-monkeys have a platform to stand on.

- Even though one guy grew up in a middle-class American home, and the other grew up in a Dominican slum, it is the slum-dweller that has a better way with the English language. Both men think their own shit don't stink, and both look down on you, the fan. But Sosa couches his comments in broken unintelligible English so, often, when asked to repeat his statements, he changes them to something more palatable. Frank, on the other hand, can be understood loud and clear when he cries about having to stretch his personal budget on $5M annually.

- As Sammy loves to point out, in 1998, he and Mark McGwire "savea de beisbol" with their home-run battle. Frank Thomas did not take advantage of any opportunities to savea de beisbol.

- Thomas never had anything like "corkgate" happen to him. The worst thing he ever did was refuse to do a shuttle run during Jerry Manuel's first spring training camp. For that, he was crucified for months, even though that same year, Thomas and the Sox slugged their way to a division championship. Of course, Sosa and the Cubs won one last year, too. Sosa was caught cheating!!

But, and this is important, Frank, if you're reading this:

(and whether you want to believe Sammy, or if you're like me, and didn't and still don't believe a muthafucking speck of it)

Sammy said he was sorry. He "humbled" himself, and apologi for his wrongdoing.

He tried to cook up a preposterous fable about what had happened, but he ASKED for OUR FORGIVENESS.

Frank Thomas is too proud and too full to ever do that.

Maybe if this were on one of the coasts, Sosa would have had his lying ass laughed out of town, and Thomas would be revered for being "hard". But this is the Midwest, and the Cubs' big fan base in smalltown Iowa, rural Illinois, and cornpones across the country via the Superstation, place great value on humility, and they take people at their word.

Unlike, of course, me.

Thomas, as well as his owner, ought to try swallowing a little cockpride, if they want to try to appeal to the common man.

But, then again, maybe they know their own fan base, perhaps even better than I do, and maybe they realize that it isn't fuckin' worth it. They still only cheer at Sox games when the scoreboard guy puts up a losing Cub score.

A very pleasant weekend, followed by a unsettling Monday

Two out of my three major sports franchises had big weekends:

- The Cubs swept the Improved Padres in the Dog Pound
- Dale Jr. outran his pursuers in Richmond
- but "whoever plays the Lakers" lost

My elder son is a big a Laker fan as I am a Cub fan. He thinks Phil Jackson is the wisest human ever, and not full of himself. He thinks Shaq is an athletic masterpiece, and not full of himself. He thinks Kobe is the best player in the league, innocent of rape, and not full of himself. Can you see where I might get a little sick of the Lakers? I mean, it's the Goddamned NBA, for cripes sake!

The Cubs won yesterday without the Great Sammy Sosa.

Before you laugh at Sammy Sosa for hurting himself sneezing, (and it is hard for me to admit this), I am sympathetic. I have had sneezes that jerked my neck out of place for days. Anytime he can snag a little rest can only be good for him, and the team, as well.

Wonder if Sloppy Joe Borowski took a few minutes and listened to a couple of the interviews he did last week, and figured out that he had turned into a big thick rich penis? He never went as far as referred to himself in the third person, but it was only a matter of time.

I wouldn't have given you thirty-five cents and a jar of warm spit for either the Meat Tray or Jose Macias, and I'm not sure I would part with the jar-o-spit now, but this weekend, they sure made Dusty look like a genius. If I were a big ugly swollen tub of shit like David Wells, having Macias touch 8 for Long Distance on me would be just the impetus I needed to come out of the closet, quit baseball and start my own cooking show.

BTW: I just had to explain to a group of female coworkers what an ATM is, and what a teabag is. I'm just here to serve.

Probably that's funnier than anything else I'm thinking about right now, so mom joined one of those "Red Hat, Purple Dress" clubs. She was telling us about it at dinner last night, and she was telling us that her group decided to call themselves "The Hot Teabags".

When she said that, even my ten-year-old laughed so hard milk came out of his nose, and he was drinking Coke.

I mean, jeez. To be THAT old and THAT out of touch, that a group of 25 women from several walks of life would, after voting and discussing, decide to call themselves Teabags.

Don't ANY of them talk to their grandkids, or ever stumble across an episode of "South Park", ever?

But today, the hand-picked leader of Iraq has been assassinated, stock markets around the world are going to hell, and George Bush is accusing his November opponent of being everything from a knuckle-draggin' moron to a ass-gapin' fruitcake. And Kerry seems unable to fight back effectively.

I mean, anyone but Bush, but godblessit? This is the best we could come up with? A guy married to a second-hand ketchup tycoon? Doesn't that make him a third-hand ketchup tycoon? Didn't Theresa Heinz Kerry's ex-husband have any kids, and why aren't they fighting her for the inheritance she and her new bassett-hound husband enjoy?


Friday, May 14


The Cubs: 2nd in NL in HRs, 6th in the NL in OBP, 8th in walks, 10th in strikeouts as hitters.

1st in strikeouts, 2nd in least hits and 3rd most BBs as pitchers.

Greg Maddux has given up as many homers as walks. He has given up 10 dongs. Meat Tray is second with 5.

Todd Walker is a really good hitter. So is Aramis Ramirez. Too bad the NL doesn't have the DH.

I can still feel a pulse, but just barely

Let me take 0.4 Los Angeles seconds to update you, my friends, with the raging battle going on in my mind.

I still feel pretty discouraged about the progress on both fronts, the Cub front and the American War Machine front. Big Z did come in and mow them down yesterday. He seems to be our first half guy, and hopefully Wood and Prior will be our second half guys, like they were down the stretch last year.

It almost seems like, to me, Dusty plays the year one series at a time. A scenario is playing itself out in my head. See if this makes sense to you:

He tells the guys on game 1, play it your way. If they win, fine, they get to play it the same way for game 2 and 3. If they lose the first one, then they get to go out and try it again their way for game 2. And, by "their way", I mean the batters get to go out and swing for the downs.

But if they lose both games 1 & 2, then I see Dusty bearing down and insisting that Game 3 be played HIS way, with situational hitting, and his calling of pitches. That's why they haven't been swept in a series since he came to town.

Might the Cubs win more if they played it HIS way every day? Well, yes and no. It might be ok for a month or two if Dusty micro-managed ala the Geenyous. But he knows that over the long haul, men want to be treated like men. He also knows that, sometimes, it works to let players be loose, and long fruitful winning streaks result. And all you need is a couple of them to put yourself in good shape in the division.

Anyway, Donald Rumsfeld still makes me queasy, I hate his lying ass more and more each day. There's no way Derek Fisher got that shot off before the buzzer, and yes, I hate the playa AND the game.

And, finally, thank you for your kind words. And thank you, as well, if you read this and wiped your ass on it. I need to be able to handle your criticism, as well, if I ever want to do this for real someday.


Wednesday, May 12

Still thinking

I first want to thank everyone who has either commented or e-mailed me with their kind words. It really was nice to hear from you, although I give you my word, that I did not write this to elicit such compliments.

I will admit that when I issued my brief jihad against another Cub blogger a few months ago, I was hoping for a little love, which I got in spades. My anger was focused in one place, and it was easy to move past that.

But today I am kind of beyond that point. I have some very deep, very strong, very negative feelings right now, both about the Cubs and life itself. I have been putting it out there thinking I was being amusing, and many weren't.

Now, I'm worried that NOBODY is going to find it amusing. Perhaps this is my sign that I ought to hold off?

I am moderately worried about, and pretty disappointed in, the Cubs so far. But all of that seems to fade when compared to the live-and-death pudpulling going on in the Middle East right now.

Someone at work, who hasn't a CLUE as to how the Islamic mind works, is all puffed up because they KILLED an American, when ALL we did was humiliate their people.

Good lord...unfortunately, we live in a place where 90% of the residents share the same sense of bliss in ignorance as my co-worker. She cannot possibly understand the notion that an Islamic man would much rather DIE, to a factor of a million, than to have a female American soldier point at his naked wang.

All these people have at their disposal is the ability to lash out, and if we keep it up, we're gonna end up finding out the hard way whether or not the WMDs exist.

To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, so says the laws of physics. So many people deserve all the scorn and ridicule that I can possibly generate in a billion blogs, but I'm not sure that I can handle the backlash.

In the meantime, the bloated lefty has-been Wilson Alvarez is going up against Johnnie B. Baker's Right-handed Dixie Kings tonight. Hopefully I'll have a win to cheer me up tomorrow morn.

Grip it n' Rip it

That is, unfortunately, the way I live my life.

Unfortunate, because it is really only a valid philosophy if you are either a) really good at what you do, or b) too stupid to care about the consequences.

Unfortunate, because I fit neither description.

I intended for this to be basically a Cub blog, but more and more it has become a lot of other things, few of which are any good. I seem to get more negative response than positive, and I really got into this to try to both support and be supported by kindred spirits. Maybe at some point, I succeeded, but lately, I'm not so sure.

I just can't help feeling the way I do on two important topics:

1) I do NOT like the way the Cubs look this year, and as comprised, they are NOT going to win anything.
2) I do NOT like the way the world looks this year, and as comprised, I truly fear that before this year passes, something is going to come along that makes 9/11 look like a picnic. And what's worse, we as Americans are not blameless, thanks to the stupid fucking shooting war Dubya has us in.

But, when I try to express how I feel about the Cubs, I get called "negative" and "cynical". When I try to express my fears as a nation, I get called "unAmerican".

I did not intend on being ANY of the above, especially not UnAmerican. Put me up against some guy who for his own purposes is getting hundreds of Americans dead, and call ME unAmerican? I'm all for Americans, being ALIVE, not burned and dragged around the square, not beheaded, not shot, not tortured, and certainly NOT taking pictures of themselves while they committed grave injustices to prisoners, then letting them leak out so the whole fucking Islamic world can see them and take their revenge out on us.

I know, I know, if you put something out there, you have to expect negative feedback. I guess, I didn't. If I were an actual "journalist", should I expect it?

Hell yeah. But I would also expect I would see a far greater percentage of positive feedback...that is, if I were doing it right.

I have supporters and friends, sure, lots of you. I'm just not sure I'm doing it right. As of right now, I'm doing some hard thinking about things.

And this is NOT a bald naked ploy for compliments. This is a true reflection of my feelings right now, and I'm not sure I want to continue. This is going to get worse before it ever gets better, and I don't feel like I'm up to the challenge.


Tuesday, May 11

Oh yeah, I left out the most important one for today:

Patterson AND Angel Guzman AND Francis Beltran...or Carlos Beltran?

I mean, good lord. You got Beltran playing center and batting third. Sosa 4th, Alou 5th, Ramirez 6th, Lee 2nd until Grud comes back, then somehow concoct a way to keep Clement another year or two.

I would not want to throw Francis Beltran in here, myself, in fact I would try to get KC to accept another relief prospect. It just rhymed with "Carlos Beltran" in the "what-if" scenario.

The Choice (and remember, death is NOT an option)

On this morning following an off day, a list of Devil's choices:

Old time Cubs Third Basemen
Steve Ontiveros, or Steve Buechele?

Best Cubs Closer Ever
Lee Smith, or Bruce Sutter?

See how this works? Let's throw some more at you:

Second baseman when Grud comes back
Grud, or Walker?

Shortstop, when Grud comes back
Grud, or Ramon Martinez?

Second hitter when Grud comes back
Grud, or Corey Patterson?

Old-time 70's pinch hitting stud
Larry Biitner, or Mike Vail?

Shake hands with
Moises Alou, or Pee Wee Herman?

Best Interview
Ryne Sandberg, or Dave Kingman?

Today's closer
Joe Borowski, or Joe Borowski?

Next Year's closer
Joe Borowski, or Francis Beltran?

Worst manager
Jim Essian, or Tom Treblehorn?

Best Cubs manager (as player)
Don Baylor or Dusty Baker?

Coolest Cubs PH ever
Glenallen Hill or Cliff Johnson?

Best Cubs offensive player ever
Sammy Sosa or Ernie Banks?

Who pissed Ryno off worse
Raffy Palmiero or Davey Martinez?

The biggest one that got away
Lou Brock or Raffy Palmiero?

Best team in last 75 years
1969 or 2003?

Biggest stud
Kyle Farns #44 or Seattle Slew?

I could go on and on and on....let's end it with: most bling
Curtis Goodwin or Rosevelt Brown?


Monday, May 10

Blogger changed yet again

I am glad to have an "audience", and as such, I guess I better accept the fact that some of you think I'm a Bush-lockstep-conservative, and others of you think I'm an Unamerican-liberal. Part of the reason is because you're all different, outside of the fact that you all love the Cubs.

But I think part of the reason is because I'm different myself, and kind of all over the place. So while I twiddle my thumbs waiting for Grud, Gonzalez, Prior, Remlinger, Guzman and Dempster to get healthy, I will try once again to explain myself today.

By nature, I am a "seat-of-my-pants" kind of guy. I don't re-read these things I write. I write how I feel, it's as real as I get. I have never been concerned about details, which my first wife (initially) found appealing, my second wife found intolerable, and my final wife is trying to convert me of.

When I was young, I was almost totally irresponsible. But when my first child was born, I saw the need for some caution. It took years for me to learn, but eventually I saw the wisdom of doing unto others as you would want to have done to you, and I could see where my carefree attitude infringed on other people's rights. But, right when I was starting to get the hang of it, it became too much for wife #1, who to this day is an almost supremely irresponsible being.

I'm on sort-of-a 12-step-program for perpetual fuckups.

So, knowing all of that, you can maybe understand why I can on one hand advocate throwing away our whole government, because it doesn't seem to work worth a flying fuck, but at the same time insist that everyone around me conforms to some semblance of order. Like, thou shalt not get out of your car and shoot someone, and thou shalt not step on the backs of my legs, because you're in a bigger hurry to get to the same place than I am.

I am both an idealist and a practicalist. Because of my need for some sort of order for my family, I typically vote Republican, although I just cannot see myself doing that, this time. It just isn't working right now, and the Party isn't offering an alternative. If it means I go with someone I don't have much in common with, then I guess it does.

I don't see how Kerry could do worse. Some of you have given me scenarios which, in YOUR eyes, seem worse than the mess Bush has us in now. Frankly, when I read them, they didn't seem worse to me. To me, there's nothing worse than the vicious circle of Middle Eastern war, oil dependency, and the thwarting of efforts to become less oil dependent, all in the name of making the rich richer.

It almost makes me unable to concentrate on the Cubs. Almost.

Except for the handful of pathetic efforts to bunt yesterday, our offense still consists of "grippin' it and rippin' it". Who the fuck is our batting coach, John Daly? That approach is just fine for Kerry Wood, a pitcher that on occasion, bats. But for the guys who bat every day not named Sosa (because he's so dumb, he'll never understand), this just isn't constructive.

I can't believe Dusty Baker is allowing this to happen. He should take some time out of his media paranoia, and address the importance of making contact.


Friday, May 7

One more thing

Somehow, I missed it: in the Friends finale, when Rachel was fleeing to Paris, and Ross was chasing her around, and Monica and Chandler were out getting their own babies: whatever happened to Rachel and Ross' baby? Who was watching her?

Please do NOT shoot the Sux fans

I did intentionally avoid writing about the shooting this morning.

What do I think? As I was saying to BST, I have to preface my comments. I am turning 40 this August, and perhaps I am growing into one of those bitter curmudgeons I resented so much in my day. I remember hearing the grown-ups back in the Vietnam days worry that the world was going to hell thanks to the commie hippie drug taking freaks and ni-g-rs and sp-cks. I also remember how bleak things were in 1979-80, with the hostages and the recession and the pissing match with Russia.

Maybe Russia was trying to make their hands tougher?

Anyway, I simply say that things have never been worse in America. This is particularly true around Wrigley Field, where each game has become Mardi Gras in Naw'lins or Rio, and the area is simply not equipped to handle SRO every day.

With all the cops in the area, how did this escalate? The guy driving the SUV was weaving in and out of the flow of traffic...why wasn't he stopped? The guy swinging the souvenir bat around indiscriminately...why wasn't he told to settle down? And the loser who jumped out of the shotgun seat (pun intended), pulled his gun and shot the bat swinger? When did this country join the Third World, where it's nothing to just jump out of car, fully armed, and start shooting?

Well, you might say, how can anyone control any of that?

I say in return, don't know don't care. I DEMAND that these things GET controlled. That's why I don't go to so many games anymore...I fear for my family's safety! If it isn't gangs, drugs, or brawling drunks, at the very least....we walk slow because we live in the country. Every time we go to the game, we get run over by fast-moving hordes of other fans, going wherever it is they are going. Thank God we're not small people...else we'd get knocked down and trampled.

We're not SUPPOSED to expect everyone to drive safe. We're not SUPPOSED to expect that everyone we walk next to is in reasonable control over themselves. We're not SUPPOSED to turn the other cheek: if someone "disses" us, our "people", our car or our space, we're supposed to "confront". And we're not SUPPOSED to be shocked when some asshole pulls out a semi-automatic weapon and kills someone in broad daylight.

Are the Cubs to blame? No more than society, as a whole. Certainly the Cubs have written a check that their ass can't cash. They've created the "ultimate game experience", that everyone has to have a piece of. But even their marketing geniuses could not have planned for the street festival that breaks out every time they play ball. No, WE created the excess, and WE are paying for it, some more than others.

Angst and loathing in Mt. Prospect

Nice beating yesterday. I'm glad Derrek Lee got his five hits. Now he is ahead of Hee Seop Choi in a major offensive category, BA, and even with RBI. Now maybe people will shut the fee-yuck up about how this was a bad trade. Unless Lee drops dead tomorrow from Sickle-cell Anemia, this will NEVER be a bad trade.

I'm also glad Matt Clement decided to shove a baseball bat up my ass. I hope to hell that things don't even itself out in the end, because if it does, fate owes Matt several weeks of misery. Maybe he's turned the proverbial corner. Then what do you do? Do you throw twenties or thirties of millions at him, and let Angel Guzman rot another year or two in Iowa? Do you trade Zambrano at the end of the year? It's a fuckin' embarrassment of riches.

The thing that is really making my ass itch today is the saga of one Lynnie England, better known as the dike-chopped chick shown pointing at the shriveled wangs of Iraqi prisoners in all those pictures. Her family is all over the place now, calling her a scapegoat, that she had done nothing wrong, that she was just "following orders".

Uh-huh, okay.

"Private England, go make fun of those prisoners' dicks!"

"Uh, sir? That wouldn't be right?"

"NOW, Private. That's a direct order!!"

Her family has the gall to compare her to Last Year's Hero, Pvt. Jessy. Here's what she has in common with Pvt. Jessica Lynch:

1) female
2) from W. Va
3) incompetent
4) heterosexual

Yep, our girl isn't a dyke after fact, she's pregnant, with another soldier's baby. Good luck raising your little tot in the brig, moron.

As you recall, 2001 was a relatively strong year for the Cubs, and there was a lot of activity in the Cubs' Coven, the Yahoo! club I belong to where curses and cursing are encouraged, not just tolerated. On the day of 9/11, I believe I was the only person to post. I had just walked back upstairs to my office after watching the second tower collapse on a TV we had set up in our cafeteria. I was shell-shocked knowing I had just watched countless thousands of people die. I was NOT scared that anything was going to happen to me. I was sickened almost to the point of vomiting.

What made me that ill was what I posted on the Coven: "We aren't going to let this go. Somebody is going to pay, and pay dearly. I'm afraid that we aren't going to be proud of ourselves after this is all done."

I caught hell for saying that, from guys whose opinions I normally trust implicitly. They thought I sounded UnAmerican. Nothing could be further from the truth. I want America to conduct itself in the best way possible.

But I was right. None of us can be proud over what has happened as a result of the 9/11 tragedy. I realize in war, bad things happen, far worse things than what has happened in our prison camp in January. If it were me, having to administer prisoners far away from my home, I am sure I would be less than hospitable, too.

This is just the latest straw on the camel's back, and unfortunately, this straw might be the one that pisses the camel's owner off enough to truly LASH out against us.

I feel far less safe today than I did on September 11, 2001. Because, this time, they MAY actually have a beef with us.


Thursday, May 6

Love and angst at the Water Tower Westin

Late last night, or early this morning, in a room high up on the towering Westin Hotel, overlooking the Magnificent Mile and the shores of Lake Michigan, an obvious-looking amazon blonde lay in a bed, her legs pulled up so her knees almost fit in her armpits. A tall man rose above her, sweating, exhaling profusely, pumping like a West Texas wildcat derrick. A sharp pain stuck up from the small of her back, and she wondered if it was indicative of a lingering condition that would be a detriment to her work. She hoped it would be over soon. She has been there before.

The man, furiously working, pushing desperately against the warm flesh of his lover, panted out in cadence to his thrusts, "Tell me...I'm a...winner!"

"You're a winner!"

"Tell me again, I'm a winner!"

"You're a winner, baby..."

"Tell me, Jen..."

"You're a winner, Casey. You're a winner!"

Soon after, both lovers lying in tangled sheets, trading pulls off of the liter bottle of Evian thoughtfully provided by the hotel staff, she wonders out loud, "Is it going to be like this every time?"

"Oh yeah, bay-bee!" exclaims the exhausted young matador.

She is suddenly stuck with waves of panic and dread. The human body was not constructed to withstand such abuse doled out by such a physical specimen, a legit 6'4", 220 pounds of carved rock sinew. She herself was in top physical condition, of course. Her lifestyle and regimen demanded it. But this was not the way she wanted it to be. It was time to act.

"I'm so happy for you," gushed the blonde, "but remember, I know a little bit about this, myself, you know. It isn't always going to be this easy. I mean, the Oregon State JV I no-hit my freshman year showed more plate discipline than those guys did tonight."

"Honey, this is my first big-league win. This is just the start of things to come. I had electric stuff tonight, and there's no reason why I can't do this again my next start, and the next, and the one after that..."

She smiled to herself at her immorata's wide-eyed naivete. "I hope so honey. We talked about this, you know? This year is going to be my one big shot at the money, after the Olympics, and maybe a year or two of pro ball. Then, I'll probably start having babies, gotta be the one, Casey. You have the better long-term outlook. It isn't fair, and I wish I could help, but..."

"Don't worry, babe," he reassured her. I told you I was can't miss, and I won't. I'm in the Show now, and at the least, I'll get two turns a year against those bums."

Then he got a bright idea. "Maybe I can get traded, to Pittsburgh, and I can face them 5 times a year!"

"Pittsburgh?" The California blond was NOT feeling that.

"Or Cincinnatti...St. Louis? Houston? Any of those float your boat?"

"Do they have beaches in Houston?", wondered Jennie Finch, ESPN's 2003 Woman of the Year.

"I think so, sweetie," confirmed Casey Daigle, the geographically challenged winner of last night's 2-0 bitch-slap over our beloved Chicago Cubs.

"Then that would be ok.", she said, before turning over and falling asleep.


Wednesday, May 5

Something we all can agree to

Release Jose Macias, call up Jason Dubois (8 HR, 22 RBI, .316) from Iowa?


Don't worry, Lindsay, I'll save you!

I want to dispel a nasty accusation by my guy and the King of Northern Illinois Andy about young Lindsay Lohan.

I am referring to Monday's post where he shows us this picture of her malnfunctioning wardrobe:

While there may not be enough Nivea in the world to calm them down, many young men who are both fans of Lohan and Dolan flipped out about what appears to be the rising of the Republic of Nippon.

I say to you all, men, take a close look. I mean, really close.

I correlate, that what you actually see is the fabric of her blouse folded in such a way that is causing an optical illusion.

If I thought this was really a nip shot, I wouldn't post this, because I don't want to get anywhere in the same area code as kidporn.

But for those of you who haven't ever seen a woman naked before: usually, there is a round area around the actual nipple "bump", called the areola, which is in most cases a different color than the rest of the breast skin. There is no such area in the Lindsay picture, unless someone airbrushed it out, and why in God's name would they do THAT?

That's MY story, and I'm sticking to it. If I were the umpire, I call SAFE!

Observations from last night's tooth-pulling

It might not be the worst thing in the world to assume that we are going to lose the games that Sergio Meat Tray starts, and on the off chance that we actually win, to bask in the unexpected windfall, happily slurping up the gravy.

Certainly I don't expect to win games when we give up 6 runs. It isn't the loss that really depresses me today. It's the fact that Steve Sparks got tired last night and served up the biggest, fattest, slowest, juiciest piece of meat I have ever seen and Sammy muscled it out...and if that hadn't happened, we would have been shut out. Because they brought in some Valvoline guy in the ninth, and he just slammed the fuckin' door.

Since the Big Unit game, there seems to be a real lack of concentration amongst the Cub hitters. That night, they literally flailed at everything Big Ugly threw up there, and they haven't stopped flailing since. As I have pointed out time and time again since I started displaying my uncouthness, ballplayers are not exactly Titans of Intellect, and they seem to forget what it was that brought them there.

At this point in time, Dusty and Sarge need to earn their money, by convincing their players to get back to fundamental hitting, mentally, physically, and psychologically. We already wasted wonderful starts this week by Wood and Z. I don't want to see them waste any more.

The infamous Spankwad cartoon

If you have not already seen the "Northsiders v. Southsiders" clip, check it here.


Tuesday, May 4

Mike D.

Mike, I'm honoring you with your own post.

Mike has consistently chided my cynicism, and he is living under the impression that this is a New Day in Cubs history. He has faith that this is a good team, he has faith that Hendry knows what he's doing, and he has faith that Trib Corp is doing everything it can to put out a winner.

I just don't have the heart to form a new crater in the earth and stick you in it today, Mike.

Just let me square you up with how it looks from my side of the fence.

The Cubs have not appeared in the postseason two years in a row since 1907-08. If and when they do, then maybe it's a New Era.

The Cubs have not had winning seasons twice in a row since 1971-72. If and when they do, then maybe it's a New Era.

The Cubs have not signed the most valuable free agent since Andre Dawson in 1987. If and when they do, then it's definitely a New Era.

The Cubs have finished April with a winning record about a bazillion times since 1969. They have finished September with a winning record 11 times since then, 10 if you don't count the 81 wins in 1977.

Until they have a winning track record to point to, then I am going to have a hard time being convinced that we've turned a corner.

It's always good to beat the Deadbirds

Not much to say today. My meds just aren't getting the job done today. The print media mouthpiece of the Tribune Corporation, curiously enough, put out something about the effect day games have had on Cub teams over the years.

Of course, I eat shit like this up. And, upon contemplation, it isn't curious at all. The Trib WANTS more night games, so once a year, they publish some bullshit about how the unique schedule takes its toll on the Cubs. Either they are setting up built-in excuses for their anticipated failure, or this is part of a political puzzle geared to further increase the Cubs night presence even after the 2006 season, when 30 home games will be under the lights.

I figure the Trib eventually wants to go with a predominately night schedule, save for the Friday "skip day" special, Sundays, and get-away days. You don't see any other local papers, or even too many national publications, theorizing about the effect of day baseball.

I figure, how can it be a disavantage? Sure, its weird for any new Cub, brought up playing night baseball, at first. But after a few weeks, you get acclimated. Meanwhile, each visiting team has to adjust on the fly. You would think this would amount to the greatest home-field advantage in MLB. The fact that it hasn't is a testament to the lack of both managerial and performing talent over the years at Wrigley Field.

Anyway, it was a great win for the Cubs yesterday. Maddux pitched well, and it seems that, just like last year, he needed the first three starts to get himself started. This was his third straight solid outing, which seems to pale in comparison to the double-digit strikeout outings we have been getting the last couple of years from our other starters. This is vintage Maddux, get used to it.

And, Sammy actually hit a clutch bomb. Who woulda thunk it?


Monday, May 3

Some unpopular stances

I nearly always manage to piss someone off, somewhere, and up until now it has been unintentional. Up until now.

1) A word about Lindsay Lohan. I saw "Mean Girls" this weekend, and it was great. I loved it. It made me want to go back and rent "Freaky Friday" (great) and "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" (dumb).

Lindsay Lohan courtesy

MMMMMMM....Is it wrong? Sure. Your point?

2) Imagine for a minute that you didn't live HERE. Maybe you are Norwegian, or something like that.

In 2000, you hear that George W. Bush wins the election for President of America under strange circumstances, and you figure it's THEIR business how they select a leader. You have a King, and you don't HAVE to elect anyone.

On 9/11, you saw that there was a terrorist attack in America. You might be frightened by the fact that stuff like that just didn't typically happen there. Terrorists attack in France, Japan, Spain, and certainly in the Middle East. If it is happening there, now, might it happen to us, too?

But, busy with your snow shovelling, or whatever, you forget about it. Then you see that the Americans have invaded Afghanistan, to try to capture the people who caused 9/11. You may think it a bit severe, those Americans throwing their might around, again. But you suppose, if you were a big, powerful ape, you might do the same thing, if you thought you could capture the terrorists and give them their justice.

Then you hear that they are taking prisoners, shipping them to some hellhole in Cuba, and not granting them any legal representation, and holding them indefinitely. You remember that they have complained repeatedly over the years about other countries that did the same sort of thing to war prisoners, and you start thinking about how hypocritical this seems.

Then you see them invade Iraq, and try to coerce every other nation to join in, even though there is NO direct link between Iraq and any attacks on America, and even though there is NO hard proof of ANY Iraq intent to attack. They come in, level the country, break up their government, and declare victory on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

A year later, their troops are STILL over there, bombing the hell out of places, getting their own people killed, and their president is backpedalling about the victory speech he made last year. Now, you see pictures on the news and the internet of American troops exploiting Iraqi prisoners.

From the outside, you might think a couple of things about America: a) they're no better than any other pissant country, and b) George Bush doesn't exactly know what he's doing.

Just saying, that might be why so many people distrust us.

3) Now on to today's Cub content. We got a problem here, people. This is our first true test, in Busch Memorial Pisspot, and we are failing, big time.

Our starters pitch their asses off, only to see their offense and defense behind them sputter, and our bullpen choke.

If you want to continue to think long term, good for you. This team, as comprised, lacks a true consistent offensive threat, and they lack an effective relief corps. If you are content to consider 2004 as a year where your young starters develop, your farm system completes the maturation process for bullpen help, as a year-long experiment to pinpoint the problems with your everyday lineup, to be addressed via trade, free-agency or just instruction and development of your current personnel, then fine.

But if you want to do all of the above, and expect to WIN at the same time, get off it, shorty, because it can't happen. You CAN'T have both.

If you continue to hold down the pitch counts on your young starters, if you continue to trot out Farnsworth and Hawkins out there to hold leads and close games (talent but no stones) or Borowski and Mercker (stones a-plenty, but no talent), we're going to keep losing these one-run games. And as long as you continue to mold your batting order around Sammy Sosa, the MOST INCONSISTENT player EVER to put on the uniform, continue to let Corey Patterson swing from his ass, Derrek Lee bat in a position where he sees no pitches, do not even ATTEMPT to run, and on top of all that, toss in Alex Gonzalez and his strikeouts, we cannot win this year.

Not when the AssTrolls are as strong as they are.

No, the only chance we have this year to win, is to let every starter pitch until he wins, loses, or his arm falls out of its socket. I feel more confident with a tired Clement, Zambrano, Wood, or Prior than I do with what we got in the bullpen now. We would have won Friday with Wood in there, and we might have won yesterday if Zambrano would have gone two more innings.

In the long run, isn't that harmful? Hell, yeah. I wouldn't do it myself. I'd hang in this year, and try to sign one or two impact offensive players, along with a real closer, between the trading deadline and next off-season.

I'm just saying that, this year, we will NOT be able to have our cake and eat it, too.