5/17/2004 10:04:00 AM by Rob

A very pleasant weekend, followed by a unsettling Monday

Two out of my three major sports franchises had big weekends:

- The Cubs swept the Improved Padres in the Dog Pound
- Dale Jr. outran his pursuers in Richmond
- but "whoever plays the Lakers" lost

My elder son is a big a Laker fan as I am a Cub fan. He thinks Phil Jackson is the wisest human ever, and not full of himself. He thinks Shaq is an athletic masterpiece, and not full of himself. He thinks Kobe is the best player in the league, innocent of rape, and not full of himself. Can you see where I might get a little sick of the Lakers? I mean, it's the Goddamned NBA, for cripes sake!

The Cubs won yesterday without the Great Sammy Sosa.

Before you laugh at Sammy Sosa for hurting himself sneezing, (and it is hard for me to admit this), I am sympathetic. I have had sneezes that jerked my neck out of place for days. Anytime he can snag a little rest can only be good for him, and the team, as well.

Wonder if Sloppy Joe Borowski took a few minutes and listened to a couple of the interviews he did last week, and figured out that he had turned into a big thick rich penis? He never went as far as referred to himself in the third person, but it was only a matter of time.

I wouldn't have given you thirty-five cents and a jar of warm spit for either the Meat Tray or Jose Macias, and I'm not sure I would part with the jar-o-spit now, but this weekend, they sure made Dusty look like a genius. If I were a big ugly swollen tub of shit like David Wells, having Macias touch 8 for Long Distance on me would be just the impetus I needed to come out of the closet, quit baseball and start my own cooking show.

BTW: I just had to explain to a group of female coworkers what an ATM is, and what a teabag is. I'm just here to serve.

Probably that's funnier than anything else I'm thinking about right now, so here...my mom joined one of those "Red Hat, Purple Dress" clubs. She was telling us about it at dinner last night, and she was telling us that her group decided to call themselves "The Hot Teabags".

When she said that, even my ten-year-old laughed so hard milk came out of his nose, and he was drinking Coke.

I mean, jeez. To be THAT old and THAT out of touch, that a group of 25 women from several walks of life would, after voting and discussing, decide to call themselves Teabags.

Don't ANY of them talk to their grandkids, or ever stumble across an episode of "South Park", ever?

But today, the hand-picked leader of Iraq has been assassinated, stock markets around the world are going to hell, and George Bush is accusing his November opponent of being everything from a knuckle-draggin' moron to a ass-gapin' fruitcake. And Kerry seems unable to fight back effectively.

I mean, anyone but Bush, but godblessit? This is the best we could come up with? A guy married to a second-hand ketchup tycoon? Doesn't that make him a third-hand ketchup tycoon? Didn't Theresa Heinz Kerry's ex-husband have any kids, and why aren't they fighting her for the inheritance she and her new bassett-hound husband enjoy?

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