The Uncouth Sloth - born 2002, died 2006. R.I.P.

2/27/2004 01:39:00 PM by Rob

I CALLED this one a long time ago

Yep, I am ashamed to admit that several years ago, while watching "Are You Afraid of the Dark" with young Sons of Sloth, I predicted that one of the young stars would grow up and kill people with them legs.

I know 'em when I see 'em. Gentlemens and ladies, the star of "24", Elisha Cuthbert:

You're very welcome. Anytime.

2/27/2004 11:16:00 AM by Rob

Signs that some people get it

First, read today's Rick Morrissey, he seems to get it, at least today.

So does Michael Barrett. According to the Daily Herald, he's been having discussions with Ryno about hitting strategy.

Now, I loves me some Ryno. Some of ya might think that discussing hitting with Ryno is like discussing personal discipline with John Daly. I see your POV, but the fact that Barrett is talking about this like, he's never had the opportunity to talk to HOF quality accomplished stars before, maybe there is something to the fact that the Expos are the worst organization ever, and that Barrett will thrive by knowing that he is finally part of something.

That's my hope, because if he goes out this year and hits .208 again, just kiss your playoff dreams buh-bye.

2/27/2004 09:21:00 AM by Rob

In which the Rich get Richer

Today's discussion category is credited to a hilarious advertising concept by Dish Network, whereas I laughed so hard this morning, milk came out of my nose, and I was drinking Mt. Dew. They call the idea of paying cable TV providers for their services "Feeding The Pig", not that they themselves are any kind of small mom-n-pop enterprise.

Anyway, simply put, Feeding the Pig is when the Rich get Richer. So, without further adieu, here are my examples of Feeding Tha Pig:

-The Yankees signing A-Rod. That's Feeding Tha Pig.

-The Cubs signing Mad Dog.

-The Lakers signing The Glove and The Mailman.

-Halliburton getting contracts to "rebuild Iraq." Oink.

-Perpetual Top 10 recruiting classes for Duke Basketball, UConn Womens Basketball, Nebraska Football, etc.

-Martha Stewart getting stock tips from her broker.

-Oprah owning her own production company. Pig Sooey!

-Notre Dame having its own TV contract. Squeeeal!

-Harry Caray's Restaurant having not only a "worldwide toast for Harry", but a "Bartman ball" ceremony on the same night. I don't suppose they made any money yesterday...or this week...this month...

-Dubya, the gubbmint, and the Goddamn IRS - Remember last year, when Dubya was all chest-out proud because parents were getting $400 checks for each child, cortesia de G. W.? I don't remember hearing anything about having to account for that at the end of the year? I get $1200 taken out of my refund because of it. (Maybe I'm the dummy in this case). But, to give us money and then ask for it back? I'm definitely voting Democrat now...(Don't start...)

-The Tribune, and the Cubs, for having their own ticket agency, and diverting tickets that otherwise would sell for face value, to scalp for themselves.

- The Phillies, for signing Wagner AND Worrell

- Rosie O'Donnell. Why does her fat ass hafta show up in line to get married? "Quick, some other gays somewhere else are getting publicity...let's get in line, too!" Grunt.

- Mel Gibson. "The Passion is my 15-year labor-of-love". Oh yeah, timing had nothing to do with the fact that, in a time when we as a people are as polarized as we ever have been, you bring out this violently overwrought epic.

Who are some of YOUR big fat hogs you see at the trough?

Thursday, February 26

2/26/2004 12:35:00 PM by Rob

Man Quiz

1) Where do you take your family on vacation this summer?

a. Mall of America (0 pts)
b. Billings, MT (2 pts)
c. Orlando, FL (hey, they have NBA and NASCAR bars there, 5 pts)
d. Wrigley Field (3 pts, the parking sucks)

2) You wake up on Sunday, and you know you have no coffee in the house. What do you do?

a. Go out with complete bedhead (2 pts)
b. Take a shower, apply “product” to your hair, before leaving (0 pts)
c. Pour a handful of water in your hand, then wet your hair down b4 leaving (hey, it’s the effort that counts, 5 pts)

3) You invite a couple of buddies to your house to play Xbox on your big-screen. Even though you have two other TVs, your new live-in girlfriend, who had nothing whatsoever to do with the purchase or payment of the apartment, the TV, or the Xbox, informs you that you cannot play on the big TV, since she has to watch “American Idol” and “The Bachelorette” tonight, and in fact, please ask permission in the future. What do you do? (Based on actual events)

a. Throw the fuckin’ bitch out (1 pt)
b. Slink off to the back room with the Xbox and sit on the floor with your buddies, like small children (0 pts)
c. When your buddies arrive, announce that you are taking them to Gameworks, and you’ll be home “whenever”. (5 pts)

4) You are watching the 6PM SportsCenter. After that, the Dusquene/New Hampshire basketball game for 5th place in the Colonial Conference comes on. What do you do?

a. Watch the damn thing. It’s sports, ain’t it? (5 pts)
b. Put in your copy of “Hoosiers” for the 187th time. (3 pts)
c. Hurry up and find the Family Channel, so you can catch the last part of tonight’s “7th Heaven” rerun. (-1 pt)

5) You are watching NCAA tournament game with buddies at one of their houses. First half, 5 minutes left. You are standing in front of the fridge, and there is one unopened beer left. What do you do?

a. Take it and scurry back to the game without telling anyone. (1 pt)
b. Whine loudly, “How can you be out of beer already?” (0 pts)
c. Take off your cap, go out into the living room, hold it out and say that you are going out on a beer run. (5 pts, take one for the team)

6) Same situation, except it’s 2nd half, one minute left, tie score. What do you do?
a. Take it and scurry back to the game without telling anyone. (2 pts, which is really generous for taking a man’s last beer)
b. Whine loudly “How can you be out of beer already?” (-5 pts, bitch)
c. Get a glass out of the cupboard and pour yourself some tap water. What, do you want to miss the end? (5 pts)

7) What do you drive?
a. 1994 Plymouth Voyager w/soccer ball appliqué in the window (0 pts)
b. Blue Monte Carlo with “24” sticker in window (0 pts)
c. Ford F-150 with “3”, “8”, and “Calvin peeing on ‘24’” stickers (4 pts)
d. Porsche Cayenne (0 pts, fruit!)
e. 1967 Chevy Bel-air ragtop with 20s and hydraulic lift package (5 pts)
f. 2001 Mercury Sable with 104,000 miles on it (3 pts, that’s a lot of ass-time)
g. Indiscrimate year and model Trans/Camaro, with five different colors on Bondo (0 pts, this isn't a Sux fan blog)

8) What are you wearing right now?
a. White shirt, conservative tie, suit jacket slung over back of chair (4 pts)
b. Carhartts (5 pts)
c. JNCO jeans 6 sizes too large (0 pts, pull your fuckin’ drawers up around your waist, Supafly!)
d. Armani repressed shoulder jacket over a Hugo Boss tee with Perry Ellis jeans and Prada shoes (do you have to ask?)
e. Trench coat (2 pts, that’s cool….)

9) Constitutional amendment on same-sex marriages? What do you say?
a. “Well, the reason why I came up with the idea was to preserve the sanctity of marriage” (0 pts)
b. “Good. Them queers aren’t taking MY tax dollars.” (-1 pt)
c. “Whatever…” (1 pt)
d. “Oh, I see we caught Bin Laden already, huh?” (5 pts)

10) Jay and Silent Bob?
a. Gay (1 pt)
b. The bomb (3 pts)
c. I heard Jay died of a heroin overdose (-1 pt)
d. Who? (0 pts)
e. I see Silent Bob is making commercials for Panasonic (5 pts)

11) Finally, Internet quizzes?
a. Gay (2 pts)
b. Neat (1 pt)
c. Who’s gonna bat leadoff this year, Grud or Patterson (5 pts)
d. Steinbrenner should be banned from the league (-10 pts)

2/26/2004 10:18:00 AM by Rob

It ISN'T politics, man

Here's a quandary on day 10 of the Second Maddux Era. Every time I veer away from the ol' sports-a-roo a little, the comments and thus the interest goes way up. But, on the other hand, this is something I have no handle on.

I must be one weird butt-honcho. It seems that I a) have these gruesome thoughts that others don't, and b) am extremely apolitical, whereas the rest of the world seems to care very deeply.

Maybe I should care more about what Bush and Kerry and all the others are saying. I don't. I have simply been disillusioned over and over again, until I could care less who wins, because I know two things: a) promises will NOT be kept, no matter who wins, and b) four years from today, the sun will still rise in the east, and more than likely, I will still be encouraged to speak English when I go out in public.

Maybe if I cared more about this kind of shit, and less about who in the living fuck is gonna bat leadoff, and less about what my nun-looking ex-wife was thinking when she agreed to marry me in the first place, I would be a lot better off.

To me, I don't hang with gays, but what they do is fine with me, and none of my business, until one of them hits on me, which has only happened once, and was probably my fault. I just don't think it is necessary to append to the single most important document on the planet to legislate people's feelings. Feelings, I AM qualified to fight about...to the fuckin' death!

Yeah, yeah, there's the whole concept of who is going to pay the bill for the sig other benefits, the idea that this was all a front to muddle what the bigger issues are, etc.

I have an opinion about all of this, of course. I just don't choose to flop it out there, and thus offer it up for debate. I'm not equipped to do that. 99% of you are more informed than I am, most of you WAY more. We fight, you will win. Simple as that, and I'm not good with those odds.

So, I can't stop you if you want to twist what I say into a political forum. If you are enjoying yourselves, have at it. That's what it is all about, and God bless ya. I just feel the need at this time to issue this disclaimer. It should not prevent you one iota from communicating as you see fit.

This blog does not endorse any brand of politics, religion, race, color, or creed, except the Chicago Cubs and their fans, and people who are sick of dumbasses, regardless of their demographic.

Unless YOU yourself are one of the particular dumbasses I mention, please don't yell at ME. Thank you.

Wednesday, February 25

2/25/2004 02:59:00 PM by Rob

Name: Joe Borowski, Occupation: Man

It didn't happen EXACTLY this way, but this conversation happened yesterday on Chicago sportsradio:

Host: "So, Joe, how was your off-season?"
Joe: "Rich!"
Host: "Yeah, how bout it. Did you buy yourself any toys?"
Joe: "Umm, no...not really. I let my wife go shopping, though."
Host: "Uh huh, well, you always hear about Latin players having pre-season visa problems. Bet you had a few Visa problems of your own at home!"
Joe: "Ha, had a few."
Host: "Wait a second...isn't your wife from Jersey, too?"
Joe: "Yeah..so, you know, all I had to worry about is the bills from Chess King and, uh, Spencers.."

Whadda guy!

2/25/2004 11:36:00 AM by Rob

From the ridiculous to the sublime

In increasing order of importance:

1) The Bartman Ball. Every Cub story today in the "legit" press starts with this non-story. Who cares? I believe in the Curse, and I know enough to know that the manager of Haray Caray's steakhouse is not empowered to lift it. Hell, his late lamented boss tried himself, here (b4 1998) and in the hereafter (1998), and failed.

2) John Webb. Broke his leg "tripping on his dog". Got placed on waivers, where he was claimed by the Devil Rays. Cubs did not rescind waivers. This doesn't seem right to me, at first glance.

Wonder if it was the same dog that tripped Brian Griese, Mad Dog (20/20) or Red Dog, maybe?

3) Sosa. Some of the Army claim he is much smaller than last year. He's smaller than the 1999-2002 version. But it's a wash compared to 2003.

He claims Meester Bond can have all the records, he just wants a Worl Seeries. OK, Sam. That's good, but I wish I could believe ANYTHING that comes out of YOUR mouth.

4) Steroids, I still hate 'em. Always have, on principle. But I realized something today: I got more comments from yesterday's blog than I ever have b4. Also, I realized something else, that Tha Notorious BST and Ivy Chat helped me realize:

What I hate the most about Steroids is all the complaining about them.

Yes, our fearless Commander in Chief made a point to reference them during his latest SOTU address. I was sort of impressed about it at first, but my impression has eroded greatly after he has decided that we need an Amendment to the freakin' Constitution to keep Gay people from marrying.

BST points out that Dubya is part of a growing number of Rich White People who lost their Souls in pursuit of Money, and now are trying to regain their lost Souls by immersing themselves in Religion. New Religion. And oh, as BST would say, I HATES me some Religion. Religion is the single most destructive thing man ever invented.

Religion segregates, separates, put people on pedestals, installs some in positions of power over others. It has kept people down, served as the basis of nearly every war ever fought, as well as the basis of some of the worst scams perpetrated upon mankind.

New Religion is behind the rampant Homophobia that is making a spaghetti noodle mess of this year's political race. New Religion is behind filthy rich Mel Gibson's decision to make a gruesomely violent movie about the Son of God, and it's behind everyone's panting desire to see it. And New Religion is behind the inordinate outcry about Steroids in sports.

The Baby Boomers are realizing that they could start dropping dead any day now, so they have decided that they better stop pursuing the excesses of the 80s and 90s, and start cloaking themselves in New Morality. And that includes bitching about unfair drug usage in sports.

I feel cheap and dirty that I have aligned myself with these filthy trunk-fucking hypocrites.

I would do anything, or support anything, that would SHUT these mothersucking Pollyannas all the way the fuck UP!

But, Stew, I still hate the Players Union. Sorry.

2/25/2004 08:50:00 AM by Rob

Tonight, on the double-u-B

The motherlode of young, hot actresses is channel 9 in Chicago, check your local listings.

I don't really watch the shows, just look at the commercials, then go out here to look them up. The show "One Tree Hill" features several comely maidens, amongst them Sophia Bush, who also appeared in "Van Wilder" (for a second), and was supposed to hang with the Governator in "T3", but ultimately, was "too young looking" for the part.

Well, THAT piques my interest. So here she is, 21 year old Sophia Bush, not a relation to the homophobe himself, Dubya Bush.

Even though she plays a slut on the show, in real life, she doesn't do that many provocative posings. Here's hoping that FHM or Maxim makes her an offer she can't refuse....

Tuesday, February 24

2/24/2004 11:25:00 AM by Rob

Daddy, why does your head look all funny?

Well, every-fucking-body-else is talking about them today. Bonds denies. Giambi denies. Dusty gets all crusty with nerdyass Brad Palmer. Good for Brad for asking the goddamn question. Didn't think he had those kinda stones. Sam-me is in the House, Uh-mer-eeka! today, he will drag out the bottle of Fred and Barney cheweables.

Look, my recent run-ins with actual bar-passing legaleagles has made me careful of what I say, since I actually have a following. It was different when the only hits I got all day were from Forklift and Stew.

I did not see any ballplayers use steroids. I do not have access to any testing results. (Wouldn't THAT be cool?) All I can do and say is to report what I see.

In 1990, Sosa was a skinny kid. In 1997, he had matured into a 40 homer man. He was bigger, but not freakishly so. In 1998, he gained 10 pounds of muscle. In 1999, he came to camp HUGE!, having gained at least another 15 pounds of muscle. He stayed that way until last year, when he visibly lost at least 15 pounds from his 2002 look. Recently, he made the comment that this winter was the first winter that he worked out in December. Really, since you made such mammoth gains in your body in both 1998 and 1999.

In 1990, Bonds was also a skinny kid. In 1998, he had matured, but not freakishly so. By 2000, he resembled the Michelin man more than his Pirates self. I saw him last night on the news. He has lost a TON of weight, and the skin on his face and scalp was sagging. He has sagging skin on his SKULL!!

Giambi was skinny up until around 1999. He showed up yesterday from camp considerably lighter than last year. Gary Sheffield was a slight ballplayer until a few years back. Luis Gonzalez was a Cub in the early 90s, and he was skinny, with a pencil neck. In 2001, he was BUILT with a thick neck and bulging veins. Lately, he looks more like the Warning Track Looey that we remember as a Cub.

People like Brady Anderson, Albert Belle, Greg Vaughn, Juan Gonzalez as well as Luis Gonzalez have their one "spike" year over 50 homers, and then never approach the record again, usually due to some brittle-type body injuries.

Many of these same stars would like to clear their names, but the union will never let them, because any kind of escalation in drug testing will weaken the union barganing chip of mandatory testing, which doubtless they are planning to trade for some other financial consideration in the future.

So what do I think?

I hate Donald Fehr, Gene Ozra and the union. Unilaterally, positively, absolutely hate them. I an NOT a union guy, and particularly not in this instance. They exist in concert with the agents, in the name of more money for all, and don't give a bleeding nun-fuck about the integrity of the game.

I just threw a hissy-fit about being excluded from something I felt I deserved to belong in. I hate exclusionism of all kinds. If I were a ballplayer good enough on my own merits to play at its highest level, I would find it brutually unfair to have to compete against someone who was using something potentially harmful for an advantage. I would not want to use something that on the short term cause less flexibility, and in the long run cause cancer.

A ballplayer should not have to be forced to risk an early demise in order to hit baseballs further.

Furthermore, a ballplayer should not have to compete against desperate, immoral fucks who have no problem making that choice for themselves.

Drug enhanced hitters should be forced to play in their own games, just like horses on Lasix are forced to run in their own races. Is this exculsionary? No. You can always choose to NOT use steroids. I do not exclude you. You exclude yourself.

Monday, February 23

2/23/2004 10:12:00 AM by Rob

Like comparing Boys to Men

I dunno which of you perverts is "Spangler", I have a pretty good idea, and the thought of you doing something horrible to yourself sounds pretty hott.

I figured it was a sure thing when you basically promised such self-abuse if the current Lords of the Mound could beat what the "Jenkins, Hands, Holtzman, & Pappas" law firm did. I didn't remember them being so great, I always considered that team to be offensively powered.

Thanks to Baseball Reference, we don't have to guess about such things, and NO, I'm not going to do any sum of squares regressions here. Two things are clear, though:

1) The 2004 staff CAN do it, and
2) Those old guys were fuckin' studs, man.

Let's look at the 2003 performance of the Justice Friends, shall we?

Clement 14-12 2 CGs, 201 Inn, 4.11 ERA
Mad Dog 16-11 1 CGs, 218 Inn, 3.96 ERA
SonOGod 18-6 3 CGs, 211 Inn, 2.43 ERA
Kid K 14-11 4 CGs, 211 Inn, 3.20 ERA
Zamboni 13-11 3 CGs, 214 Inn, 3.11 ERA

League ERA: 4.28

So all five men bested the league average ERA, and Prior, of course, was 1.8 runs below the league average. Fact is, the 1969 staff never performed like this. As Mike Price said to Destiny that one time, "ROLLL TIDE!! Can you feel it Rollin', baby?"

But, just for fuckin' yuks, let's look at 1969 thru 1971. Pappas wasn't around in 1969, so that's why I looked at the next two years, when he was.

1969

Jenkins 21-15 23 CGs, 311 Inn., 3.21

STOP...stop a minute. 23 motherfucking complete games and 311 innings? Yep, these were the four-man rotation days, for all you little leaguers out there. Now, you might have a clue as to why some of the old-timers have nothing but bad to say for the current athlete. Today, you don't hafta work as hard.

Anyway, back to the sports-a-roo:

1969

Jenkins 21-15 23 CGs, 311 Inn., 3.21
Hands 20-14 18 CGs, 300 Inn, 2.49
Holtzman 17-13 12 CGs, 261 Inn, 3.58
Selma 10-8 4 CGs, 168 Inn, 3.63
League ERA: 3.59

Little known fact, Bill Hands, not Jenkins, was The Man in 1969. He game up 8-tenths of a run less, pitched just as many innings and won 20 games. Note, though, that Holtzman was right at league average ERA, and Selma was a tad worse. Dick Selma? Another reason we didn't win.

1970
Jenkins 22-16 24 CGs 313 Inn, 3.39
Hands 18-15 12 CGs 265 Inn, 3.70
Holtzman 17-11 15 CGs 287 Inn, 3.38
Pappas 10-8 6 CGs, 144 Inn, 2.68
League ERA: 4.05

Pappas was a mid-season pickup, I believe. Hands peaked in 1969, Holtzman was trending upward, and Jenkins, who was always a stud hoss, was just about ready to explode!

1971
Jenkins 24-13 30 motherfucking CGs, 325 MFing Inn, 2.77 ERA
Hands 12-18 14 CGs, 242 Inn 3.42
Pappas 17-14 14 CGs, 261 Inn 3.51
Holtzman 9-15 9 CGs 195 Inn 4.48
League ERA: 3.47

I seem to recall Holtzman being hurt, but then again, maybe he was just being the pissy little bastard he is rumored to be, and he was soon traded to the Oakland A's, for a sack of flour, or Manny Trillo, or something.

It's apples and oranges, I'm afraid. It seems that in 1969 and 1971, there was a weak link, and probably 1970 was the actual Best time for these Cubs to have won something, if it wasn't due to some bad managing and worse luck.

For us, today, the weak link is a career .500 pitcher who has always had a reputation for "good stuff", but has been labelled as "hard to reach". If the combination of Rothschild, Pole, and Assistant Assistant Pitching Coach Maddux can somehow help Matt Clement get over the hump, then everyday is a picnic, and everynight is a Goddamn fiesta.

2/23/2004 09:19:00 AM by Rob

Today's song lyrics, to help you understand

The source for last week's misunderstanding?

I'm blue (da ba dee)
I'm blue (da ba dee)

I have a blue house with a blue window
Blue is the color of all that I wear
Blue are the streets and all the trees are too
I have a girlfriend and she is so blue
Blue are the people here that walk around
Blue like my Corvette it's standing outside
Blue are the words I say and what I think
Blue are the feeling that live inside me

'Cause I aint got nobody to listen: ...
I'm blue (da ba dee)...

I'm blue, dabadee, ad infinitum

I do not swill the blue Kool-Aid, but I do sling the blue news. I honestly don't think a few casual fucks and shits never hurt no-one, but nah, this probably isn't the first place to start if you're a ten-year old struggling to understand the game of baseball, despite the best efforts of MLB to alienate you.

Come back when you're about 14 or so. I'll tickle your fancy.

Friday, February 20

2/20/2004 01:46:00 PM by Rob

Nice job, "Let 'em Go Leo"

Did anyone think I was going to just let this go?

I say "addicted". Maybe I should just stick with stupid. William Legue, the single-celled amoeba currently on probation for attacking KC Royals' coach Tom Gamboa in then-Comiskey Park in plain view of over 20,000 patrons and a TV audience, has to undergo drug testing under the terms of his sentence.

Not once, not twice, three times, lady, this assweasel has tested positive for pot.

Of course, if you possess an infantile intellect, as this trailermonkey does, and you have done something wrong, but were not punished, you would keep doing it. Because, you can.

This guy was sentenced to probation by the disHonorable Judge Leo Holt in Cook County. As you may recall, Holt went as far as to blame the crime on baseball itself, saying that the Sox let this moran in, fed him beer, and subjected him to visually stimulating sport. Holt openly wondered why it doesn't happen more.

The besotted jackboot himself expressed surprise that he was being let free. His 15 year old son, also involved in the melee, has served time in a boot-camp center. And Willie Legee goes free.

Holt, in turn, is the same moron recently reported in the Chicago papers as responsible for letting one of the top-ranking gang members free on low bail after his arrest for allegedly murdering a rival gang member. The gang-banger then allegedly shot up his victim's brother in what was described as some sort of feud. He allegedly, all right? pumped FOURTEEN bullets in the brother, who somehow lived. He then ran off to Mississippi or something, and had to be dragged back to Chicago.

Because the brother didn't die, Holt let him have another ridiculously low bail, and the you know murderer is OUT again.

This bleeding heart twatrag makes Jesse Jackson look like Ronnie Raygun.

Hopefully, Tattoo Boy is going back to court on his drug violations, and hopefully he will face another judge...any other judge but Holt.

2/20/2004 10:02:00 AM by Rob

Now! More links than ever!

When you spend the better part of a day bitching about being excluded, then you better make sure your own house is in order. Thus, I have added two dudes that have been out there, and a new dude to boot.

Cubs Now blog, ladies and gentlemens. Not Cubs Later, Cubs Now!! As Ozzie Guillen says in his thought-provoking and eloquent radio commericals, "When lose early people say be patient. I have no patient. We should win now!!" Anyway, Brian's a recovering lawyer, so let's give him a peek.

Aisle 528 - the view from the cheap seats. Why do I caution you to be careful of the wasps? Its an inside joke, but one day I actually sat in the worst seat in the house, the very last seat in the very last row in the first base side of the upper deck. At least the third base side would have lent me a nice view of the lake. Plus, beside the fact that the Cubs lost 23-10 that day to the Mutts, all I remember about the day was the wasp nests surrounding my seat. I looked like an escapee from Survivor All Stars.

Ball Talk - hopefully I can get him to reciprocate for some love for the Sloth, too.

Every day is Mad Dog Day, and every game is another chance to win. The great Gov'nor of our state, Hot Rod Blagoyoyo, was on ESPN.com, and damn if he didn't knock me over with his Cub chubbie!! Most politicians, whenever they are asked about sports, give you a wishy wash answer, and namedrop Sammy Sosa. Rod knows his beans...in fact, sounds a lot more autoritative about the Cubs than about Illinois.

Anyway, Hot Rod brings up this point: He is not going to say that we are a shoo-in for anything, but this year's team is in the best shape of any Cubs team in a "long time".

It's a valid point, a great point, and one that begs the discussion: best since WHEN? 1985? 1969? 1938? I myself say the best since Three Finger Brown. How bout you?

Thursday, February 19

2/19/2004 02:47:00 PM by Rob

I appreciate all the support I have gotten v. my little problem this morning. I had my blood pressure checked, and it was OK. I just told Jason off big time, because I resent the fact that somehow I am being portrayed as un-family.

But I am NOT removing his link from the site, and I think you SHOULD go read the Clark and Addison Chronicle. He has been around a long time, way before bloghood. He doesn't post often anymore, but when he does, it usually makes sense.

I kind of forgot what kind of person he is, which has been fairly consistent over the years. And I may skip reading him myself, because I think the Cubs Blog Army has become kind of a loose confederation of confederates, and it pisses me off that he doesn't list me with the rest of you.

That's MY problem, emphasis on the my.

2/19/2004 09:52:00 AM by Rob

I think I need to clear up something

There are those who don't think I am excited about the Cubs getting Maddux back. Who went out to everyone's blog yesterday, wishing them a Happy Mad Dog Day? Huh?

Like most of the rest of you, I am absolutely feeling all warm-n-fuzzy that our guy, the One that Never Should Have Left, is back. I garron-tee I will watch MORE Cubs baseball this year, simply to see him.

I just cannot go back on my original premise, which is that we need a leadoff man and a better hitting catcher more than we needed Maddux. There are those who compare him to Estes. My thing about that, is, if Maddux was not here this year, we would use Juan Cruz in the slot. I honestly believe that the incremental value of Maddux vs. Cruz, at least on the mound, is not enough to push us over the top.

Of course, if the team was planning on using Jamey Wright in the 5-hole, then Maddux looks bigger than ever.

And, of course, I think I love Juan Cruz more than most. I feel the same about him as I did about a certain slight rookie pitcher back in 1986, and I think we know how THAT movie turned out. I could be wrong...I loved Gary Scott, too...if not Kevin Orie.

PS. I gotta real problem here.

Wednesday, February 18

2/18/2004 03:19:00 PM by Rob

Another Nickelodeon refugee

Maybe I should run a countdown from now until April 3rd.

No, not because it's opening day. It's the day that the formerly obnoxious, precocious "star" of All That, now obnoxious "star" of "What I Like About You" on the WB, Amanda Bynes turns 18.

Until then, I really have no comment.

2/18/2004 09:59:00 AM by Rob

Asswipe of the Century

Now that Scott Bore-ass has allowed his client to sign with us, and since Pete Rose has mercifully crawled somewhere else lately, let me take just a minute to talk about how much of an inflamed, oozing anus Gary Barnett is.

As the coach at Northwestern, he lied to everyone, absolutely everyone, every last second he was here. He went to his "dream job" in Colorado, and his program may be amongst the worst in the whole sordid mess that is the NCAA. His "students" routinely sexually harass, assault, and exploit girls and women, and his efforts to cover it up would make Steve Alford weep in recognition of his superior bastardity.

I didn't realize that Katie Hnida started at Colorado. Katie is the woman who kicked some field goals for New Mexico last year. She transferred from Colorado, partly because of lack of opportunity, but mostly because she was raped by a teammate, but she didn't report it to police.

Yeah, that's pushing gender relations back about 3,000 years.

What the hell is it with Colorado? Is it the altitude, the thin air, that makes men act like dripping cocks?

You hear all the time how women are raped, and don't report it out of fear, shame, etc. Well, this is one case where I fully understand why she didn't. She was trying to make it in a man's game, and this would have completely derailed her efforts, at best, made whatever she accomplished in the future tinged with pity.

I hope she nails the rapist, the University, and Gary Barnett to the fucking wall.

2/18/2004 08:57:00 AM by Rob

It's OK to be excited, but I don't take back a single thing

I will issue two seemingly contradictory statements.

It's OK to be excited that Mad Dog is back, because we now have the best pitching in the whole fee-yucking league, barring injury.

I don't take back a single thing I said, including the fact that having Mad Dog doesn't guarantee a single thing, because we are going to have trouble beating the Ass-Trolls, let alone the other 28 teams.

How can I say this? Simple. Before Maddux signed with us, the Cubs were very CLOSE to having the best staff. Yes, having him pushes us over the top in that regard, but the additional value he brings us is not as great as you think.

The comparison has to be: Maddux expected value vs. Cruz expected value. Or Zambrano expected value or Clement expected value...whomever Maddux bumps out of the rotation. Just off of the cuff, I expect Maddux to go 15-10 with a 3.70 ERA, and I expect whomever gets bumped off to have gone 11-14 with a 4.20 ERA. So we're talking 4 games here.

Important games? Hell Yeah! But, still, four. We only beat Houston by one game last year, and like it or not, they have improved, too.

But you say, Maddux brings so much more, yada yada yada. Fine. I admit, I am riding a nostalgic high today, too. We will talk about him many, many times over the course of the next couple of years, I figure. But he is not what is foremost on my mind today.

I myself am still wondering: who is going to leadoff? How is the second base situation going to resolve itself? And what are we going to do with the automatic outs at SS and catcher? And, most importantly to me, what are we going to do with the logjam of starting pitchers?

In my mind, we have seven (7) major league quality starters. Based on his potential and his spring training last year, if you don't think Angel Guzman could find work on 20 or more MLB staffs, you're nuts. Hell, I think Wellmeyer, Webb, and several other Cub farmhands could find work on many teams, too. But I am going to say seven. (This isn't even counting the re-habbing Ryan Dempster and Mike Sirotka).

Now, Guzman could spend this year in Iowa, in reserve, and nobody should have a problem with it. But it does Juan Cruz no good to be stuck there, or in the back of the pen, another year. What if he bumps Zambrano out of the rotation? Do you think Zambrano is going to approach an extended stay in DesMoines constructively? I don't even think we have the ability to send Matt Clement there, if he is the one that gets bumped, and that COULD happen, too. How happy is he going to be as the Long Man?

We NEED to trade one of them...Cruz, Z, or Clement. This is our strength. We need to use it now to address a weakness, of which we have several.

Two I can think of immediately is a absence of catching and middle infield prospects. Could we get B.J. Upton from the D-Rays? Could we get Dioner Navarro from the Yankees? What if we packaged one of the second basemen? The Steingrabber needs a "name" at second. He would LOVE to put Todd Walker there, to rub it in the collective BoSox Nation face. Cruz and Walker, for Navarro, Miguel Cairo, and another prospect? Or, substitute Clement for Cruz. I may actually prefer that.

This isn't value, I know, but we REALLY need to trade a starter. We have so, so many others in the pipeline. I am deathly afraid that the loser of the derby is going to poison the water with his bitching and sulking. We just as badly need a catcher. Michael Barrett just doesn't do it at ALL for me, kids. Fuck him in the goat-ass. He sucks...the Expos didn't want him...the A's didn't want him...so we got his Shane Andrews-automatic-out-ass?

May I eat my words. Bet I won't.

Tuesday, February 17

2/17/2004 11:20:00 AM by Rob

Just an aside

Any of you that have kids ever get forced to watch either "Pete & Pete" or "Harriett the Spy", two shows from Nickelodeon, with that weird little Michele Trachtenburg? In Pete and Pete, she always has a cast on her arm? In Harriett, she's Harriett?

Now, have any of you seen the ads for the movie "Eurotrip", which shows the babe untying her bathing suit top?

Same girl. Un-fuckin-believable. SHE'S HOTTTT!!!

Who knew?

2/17/2004 08:58:00 AM by Rob

Remember to breathe...

I'm trying REAL hard not to get my blood pressure up today. There's no reason for it, and as an extra precaution, I'm writing this BEFORE I go out to the Cub Cave, I mean Coven, because I don't want Campo flavoring my thoughts for today.

First of all, can we go back to talking about Janet Jackson's tits? Jeebus almighty, is A-Rod to the Yankees good for baseball, bad for baseball, what?

Wanna know what I think? I don't care. Steingrabber can go out and buy the best player at every position, and there STILL isn't any guarantee that these mopes can play together. Suppose they do start out hot. Who's gonna get the credit? A-Wad, or course. Which will piss off widdle Jete...and widdle Giambi...and maybe Matt Suhey doesn't have as many guys following him around...and where does Shef fit in with all of this? What about Vazquez...and Maddux...

Yep, Maddux. Look, there may or may not be any truth about his being courted by the Steingrabber. He may end up here, or in LA. To use one of my kids' favorite sayings, Whatevah...obviously he doesn't have a burning desire to pitch here, or he would have jumped at Hendry's latest offer. To beat the dead horse some more, he is NOT the key to the season, he is NOT going to hurt us much if he is elsewhere, and as long as the Cardinals are out of the running, this isn't going to bother me one bit. Let him ride the Number 7 Subway with the gays, unwed mothers, and Howard Dean. Hope he catches AIDS there, too.

What I want to examine today is resource balancing. In my bizness, we have a whole Inventory Management department. Slow-moving merchandise is marked down, and in-demand items have to be back-ordered. The Cubs are no different, in that they have the following surpluses and deficiencies:

SURPLUSES: Mediocre 2B, Young Unproven SP
SHORTAGES: Hitting C, Hitting SS, Leadoff Man

Now, there are a couple of places that come to mind - the trading partners, NY and Texas, that seem to have needs that we can fill. The Yankees would do flips for Todd Walker, and may even be happy with the Grud. Texas would die for any of the following: Cruz, Z, Clement, Angel Guzman, Wellmeyer, Sergio MeatTray, Brownlie, Sisco, BirdDog Ryu, etc, etc, etc. Basically, everyone except for Wood and Prior, which they CAN'T have.

Does NY have a shortstop prospect, because if so, that poor sumbitch ain't gonna see the light of day unless he gets traded. Or any young catchers? How bout Texas?

Let me know. I'm going to look a little today, as time allows, and hopefully Hendry is doing the same. I assume, actually, that he's chewing his fingernails to nubs waiting for that cockbreath Boras to return his calls.

Hey, Jim. Boreass is in the rotten Apple today, gloating over his latest exploitation of the Bud Selig Success System. So go out, get some air, and let Panama Jack Hughes scour over some of the Ranger and Yankee farm team reports.

Monday, February 16

2/16/2004 03:41:00 PM by Rob

I'm starting to lose my patience with Campo

Am I missing the point with Campo?

Most of you doubtlessly know who Campo is...he's some old guy who just started posting on the Cubs Coven. I referred to him and his kind last week, and vowed to be nice and gentle with him. I figured he is just some harmless soul who has been abandoned by his kids and grandkids, and is reaching out for some human contact via the internet, speaking in the only tounge he knows, discussing the old-time Cubs using a mangled form of English obviously born of drink-induced dementia, compounded by his old-country "English as a Second Language" upbringing.

Now, millions think he's a riot, from Andy Dolan, Will Carroll, to connoseuers of fine filth like Forklift.

But I'm the one who has been trying to hold this guy's hand as we walk into the 21st century, and I gotta tell you, my ass is dragging. We all deal with pop-ups, mostly from travel agencies and mortgage firms, but yes, also with porn sites. Campo bugs out every time "Naughty Nancy" or "Jenna Juggs" pops up on his screen. I mean, really? I can't believe a guy, even if he IS old-line Italian, hasn't seen a woman's naked body, and can allow himself to be so darned discombobulated when he does.

What, did he and his Mrs. only do it with the lights off? I know that old Italian guys never "go south", but neither are they usually this prudish, either. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't personal, but I guess someone who still remembers when they roasted peanuts in the aisles at Wrigley is probably overwhelmed by the Internet.

It is a shame that Campo doesn't have the opportunity to get together face-2-face with a bunch of guys, like, in the park over a chessboard, or over cups-o-joe at a diner. He has to get on a computer to get his fill of Hot Stove action, and I understand how daunting that may be for him.

All that being said, it's not all that amusing to me, anymore. I try to connect to him, after explaining over and over again about the realities of the internet, by referencing one of his favorite ballplayers, and this always leads him to some story about some supposed media big-shot named Mr. Dick Beals, and am I supposed to know who the FUCK Dick Beals is?

I am so fucking sick of Mr. Dick Beals that I would be happy to rip off his cock and sew it inside his mouth backwards, ala the Viet Cong, so he can choke to death on the bloody, slimy foreskin.

Oh well, I'll deal with it. I know there are some people who are SCARED of Campo, because I guess he was once on the Infamous Cubs AOL board, and tore some guys new assholes. Then I guess he had a heart attack or a stroke or something, because there ain't nothing on his fastball anymore. I just can't help feeling sorry for him.

2/16/2004 08:46:00 AM by Rob

Who was YOUR big hero yesterday?

First off, my thanks to Mike and Carolyn at The Scofield House in Sturgeon Bay, Wisc. This was our third stay there, and you won't be surprised to find out that the Sloth stays at an establishment which has been voted as having one of the 10 Best Breakfasts in the entire country. If the Door County region of Wisconsin is a vacation destination for you, I encourage you to drop dime on them.

I had very little contact with the outside world this weekend, but I did get home in time to watch the last half of the Daytona 500. Dale Junior is MY personal man of the weekend. That was a great race, which is probably a lost fact on most of you.

Maybe your man of the weekend was John Daly. Jeez, he looks bad. He looks even fatter than me, if that's possible. For the first time in 9 years, he pulled it all together and won a tournament. Really, they don't live much harder than Long John, and the big upset of the weekend is NOT that he won, but the fact that he is still alive.

Or maybe your man is Shaq. My son LOVES the Lakers...I hate 'em. I hate Phil Jackson, who acts like he invented basketball. I hate the arrogant Kobe Bryant, who seems to be more and more like MJ...Michael JACKSON, that is. And I don't much like the pouty, divaesque Shaq. But if you don't follow the NBA, and who can blame you, Shaq, every day, is like Tiger Woods in 2002. Or Barry Bonds in 2002, only minus the steroids. He is completely unstoppable with the ball.

Or maybe your man is A-Rod. If you're from Boston, your man ain't A-Rod. This much is true...A-Rod wasn't gonna play third for Boston. Or anyone else, except the goddamned Yankees. This really isn't right, and a REAL commissioner would not allow the Yankees to exist as they do. $190M payroll? That having been said, I am not one of those who have conceded to the Yanks. They all have to play together, and I am not convinced that everyone there can check their egos at the door. A-Rod and Jete and Shef and Giambi and Lofton and Bernie Williams? This could blowed up Reeel Good!

Finally, is your man Greg Maddux? This hostage seige is finally going to have to come to an end. Pitchers and Catchers report Wednesday! So Mad Dog and Bore Ass are finally gonna have to get off of the pot. The big stink on the sports radio today is "Is Hendry Bidding Against Himself?" And maybe he is. The fact is Greg Maddux is probably worth more than he initially bid. Who flops their best deal out there to start? I don't blame him for doing that, I don't blame Maddux for refusing the offer, and I don't blame anyone. I'm real serene about the whole thing.

Maddux is NOT the difference maker we need. He's a luxury, albeit a nice one. He isn't going to bat leadoff for us, nor can he make the catchers hit better. As long as he doesn't end up in St. Louis, I'm completely fine with whatever happens.

The BIG Cubs question of the day is: Now that the Steingrabber has traded his second baseman, there is talk that he is looking at the one team that seems to have two "name" second basemen. Here's the question: What does he have that we would want in return? You know he isn't trading anyone from his starting lineup, we don't need any of his pitching unless it's Rivera, which he won't trade, and they're not too stocked with prospects. I don't see a trade happening here, which has just gotta make the Big Stein itch...

Thursday, February 12

2/12/2004 10:04:00 AM by Rob

Chicago Held Hostage - Day 46

I put in a link for Rooftop Report, a self-published daily Cubs service by a Mr. Kelly, who quite possibly has more boobs on the brain than I do. Of course, that's the Irish in us.

Anyhoo, if you have not heard, the Cubs for the umpteenth straight year have avoided arbitration with all of their eligibles, splitting the difference with Mr. Loosecum himself, Kyle Farns 44. This to me is one of the things that the team does right. Perhaps one of you deeper thinkers can present a case where it makes financial and thus competitive sense to take players to arbitration. It just seems like a part of the system that has never worked the way it should. There have been too many hard feelings, and on the other hand, it has done more for the inflation of salaries than anything else. Many times, the arbitration findings of like players have been factored into the negotiations of other players. "Well, if player X received $6.2M through arbitration, then player Y is worth at least $8M, with his superior RBI and OBP."

I don't have much today. Today is my beloved wife's 40th anniversary of her birth, and as of right now, I have nothing. No flowers, no gifts, no cake, no ice cream, no nothing. So, off I go.

Wednesday, February 11

2/11/2004 10:10:00 AM by Rob

OK, we get it. More night games!!!

Somewhere in Chicago, there's a dead horse whose skin and muscular tissue is starting to break apart, because its been beaten so much.

A week before the start of spring training, and you expect the Cubs to be front page news. And they are.

But not about the negotiations with Golf Boy. Not about whose gonna bat leadoff. Not about the Great Sammy Steroid batting down in the order to make room for those fleeter of foot and lesser of strikeout. Not about the whereabouts of Steve Bartman, and whether or not he took advantage of the timeshare condo on South Beach. Not even about what Mark Prior is eating for breakfast, or about whether the lithe and lissome Mrs. Sarah Wood has been successful in preventing her flame-throwing hubby from getting his annual debilitating case of the flu.

And no, they haven't found the Tribune-owned fleet of trucks on lease to the City.

No, it's the lights.

Andy McFail and the rest of the suits have decided, obviously, to pay homage to Da Mare and the "artsy" little special interest groups in the LakeView neighborhood, and as a result, the Cubs will be allowed to ramp up the number of night games they are allowed to have. In 2004, they will have 22 games, up from 18. Next year will be 26, and if the Cubs have shown themselves to be good neighbors, then in 2006 they will have 30, and doubtlessly at that point they will go back to the city and ask for more, etc. There is the issue of having a $1M emergency cleanup fund, a remote lot with a shuttle, blah blah. Common sense stuff.

My point is, all there has been the last three days, in the Tribune, SunTimes, Daily Herald, ESPN radio, the Score, Channels 2, 5, 7, 9, 32, even on fucking Telemundo, is how the Cubs are getting FOUR MORE NIGHT GAMES!!

People, this issue is SO 1988!!! Most of us over the age of consent realize that Wrigley was the last ballyard on Earth, other than a few scattered Junior High diamonds in Montana, to install lights. But they have been playing night games there now for over 15 YEARS!!!

15 years ago, the Internet was a cutesy little toy for government scientists, pimply role-playing gamers, and of course, the McHenry BBS, the seminal Lord of Pornlords. 15 years ago, CDs were in their infancy, and cost nearly 18 BUCKS!! (Ok, they still do). 15 years ago, Enron was a great little startup company. Dinosaurs still ruled the Earth, like Kirk Gibson, Andre Dawson, Rob Deer and Fred McGriff.

I don't understand why four extra night games a year is "newsworthy"? They play hundreds every year at 35th and the Dan Ryan. Who cares? Who are the four night games hurting? Is it going to cut down on the restaurant and bar business there? Is it going to discourage black-clad Dracula-wanna-be's from sipping lukewarm coffee ground paste while looking at spray-painted car parts in their favorite art gallery? Is it going to prevent some post-Yuppie-protobitch from being able to park her shitty foreign car close enough to her brownstone, so she can hear it when the alarm goes off at 6:30, 7:15, 8:35, 10:05, 12:35, etc?

Who cares? Who really fucking cares? Hell, if it means that my spastic-colon bitch ex-wife has trouble getting home from her fancy-ass Northside job four more times a year, that's just peachy fucking keen in my book. Hope she shits her drawers because she can't pull over. If you see her, someone feed the keyunt an ice-cream cone. She'll be the nun-looking frowning witch that smells like garlic farts.

Tuesday, February 10

2/10/2004 12:34:00 PM by Rob

It is time to look at the upcoming season

It is time to fish or cut bait with Juan Cruz.

He pitched well in his initial foray in 2001, he perhaps was not given enough of a chance in 2002, even though his record was pitiful, but he has torn it up during his brief visits to Iowa, and he was killing in the DR before breaking his non-pitching hand.

Over 20 teams would love to have him fill a role in their rotation, and under normal circumstances, he would be given every chance to make the Cubs' rotation this year.

Naturally, the Cubs' circumstance is not a normal one. We are going for a pennant, this year, and are much more leery of providing a test environment for a young starter. Now, Clement may not last the year, and Z needs to show me that he is ready to take the next step. It still remains that there is only one opening in the rotation, and the large-ass loomage of one particular bespectacled 1st-ballot HOF'er casts his shadow over that final slot.

Personally, and since this IS my blog, I can speak personally, it's time to push the loomage aside. Cruz is not cut out for the long relief mop-up role he has been assigned to since early 2002, for he is as hot-tempered as the fellow countryman he is compared to, Mr. Pedro Overrated. It was a blow to his pride to sweep up the feces left behind by such has-beens as tEstes, Alfucksucka, and Elaine Benes.

It is time he joins the major league rotation, if not here, then elsewhere. There is a hard choice to be made, and it needs to be made soon. P&C's report in about a week.

If Maddux is to join us, then Hendry needs to move off of his (quite understandable) position, overpay, and get him in the fold. Then a starter needs to be traded, while their value is still high. Teams WILL overpay for a Cub pitcher, due to our status as a Premium team. They may not if we get off to a slow start. We need to move, now.

Cruz, or Clement, or Z, could be used to fill an existing hole, like the lack of a true leadoff man, or the lack of a shortstop or catcher that can actually hit, for example:

Cruz and Patterson to the Royals for Carlos Beltran.

I dunno if Beltran CAN be traded at this point, but I think he can. He may not be a true leadoff man, but the extra muscle he adds to the lineup would make the question less pressing. Someday, Patterson may end up being Beltran. Beltran already is, at pretty much the same age.

Anyway, I am not saying that Cruz should be thrown away for nothing, but he deserves a real shot at starting in A major league rotation this year, whether it's ours, or someone elses.

Monday, February 9

2/09/2004 09:05:00 AM by Rob

Feeling like I'm on the outside, looking in

I have a predicament on my hands, here.

Several years ago, when I started this particular job, and had all sorts of internet access at my disposal for the first time, I started poking around the various existing Cubs discussion sites. Many of you know what I found...lots of 15 year old kids (both chronologically and emotionally) mindlessly shouting "s@mMy i$ dA bOM" and wondering out loud whether or not he would hit 4 or 5 homers the next day.

This was during the middle of an exciting divisional race, in a situation where we didn't have quite enough pitching, and that we did have, in the name of the glorious rookie Kerry Wood, was literally tearing itself apart throwing those sweeping four-foot overhand curves. But all anyone wanted to talk about was those goddamned homers, and as many of you know, there was some, uh, friction.

That was about the time Hawk saved me by pointing me to the Yahoo Cubs Coven, a Yahoo "Club", which has since been redesignated a "Group". Anyway, the link is at the left. It is, and has been, THE hangout for the disaffected, the long suffering, the realistic, and perhaps not coincidentally, the most hilarious bunch of fucks I have ever dealt with.

Anyway, for the past 5+ years, I have enjoyed being able to vent about Cubs, life, and evil, shitty bitch women, in the most vile methods possible. It is extremely important to bring the whole load with that bunch, because simply saying "fuck fuck fuck" ain't gonna cut it with that bunch, who are intimately familar with Monty Python, the original SNL, Lenny Bruce, Richard Prior, and of course, Mr. Cub at a Cubs Caravan stop after about 2 quarts of Wild Turkey sourmash. You have to hyphenate your curses, as in nun-raping-choadstroker.

But today I notice the addition of a new type of Coven member...old, old guys who must be on the last wave of computer ownership. They don't swear, they can't spell or punctuate worth a shit, and they all talk like they just got let out of a Rat Pack Saturday night matinee.

Somehow, I feel like these old guys, even though reading their shit is excruciating pain, deserve respect. Now Stew, the moderator of the Coven, is one of their peers, in that they all could draw from Social Security. But he's always been cool, what the fuck, he works in Berkeley representing and dealing with hard-core labor disputes for those who cannot even function in the last American Bastion for the Truly Weird. So my rants about the scatological abuse of the Religious Orders don't phase him.

But I'm worried about strutting my stuff in front of these old guys, who want only to argue about who had the best fastball in Cub history. Hey, y'know, for me it started with Fergie, and the one man I remember, in terms of sheer terror on the mound, was Mitch Williams. I'm sure Farnsworth is faster, but I was sure that I would live to see someone die in the batters box while Williams was whaling away out there.

Anyway, what do you all think? Should I go PC on the Coven, to avoid chasing away some good old guys who only want to vent in their sunset years? Or should I just let it hang out, and fuck'em if they don't get it?

After all, there is a fine line between ranting about cornholing nuns, and actually going out and doing it. And I am much closer to the Carmelite convent these days...

Friday, February 6

2/06/2004 01:45:00 PM by Rob

We've moved

No, not the blog. My own self. They moved us today to another building about 3 miles west, and it is amazing that by 1:00 today, they were able to hook up my computer, phone, and haul all my Cubs shit over here.

I have windows!! No, not Windows, I've had that piece of shit for years. For the first time since my first job out of college, I actually have an office where I can look out an actual glass window and tell you whether it is raining, sunny, or completely gray and dank, like today.

If the sun's shining where you're at today, just chew my scrote.

Anyway, I was thinking that the Maddux buzz would die down, once the Dodgers jumped into the mix. As I said, I'm fine with him being there. He is building his "dream home" in SoCal, he can golf until his chuckies fall off, and we only see the Dodgers like two series a year.

But now there are reports that the Evil Satanic Fowl are asking some of their higher paid fucksticks to defer money so that the Dog can come there.

Sorry, that just CAN'T happen. Even if we have to wreck our whole salary flexibility for the coming year, that just cannot fucking occur.

Look, I want a World Series more than you. I do. Yep, I sure do. Fuck you, yes I flippin' do. Do you want to take this outside? C'mon, let's go, pussweed...anyway, I do. Real bad.

But I myself, and this is just me, but I would forfeit the chance to do it this year, because I do not want that fucking butt crack to pitch against us with them bloodrag red crows on his chest.

Fortunately, as of now, we still have the highest offer on the table.

Once again, my position: Anywhere but St. Louis.

Suck my flaky, hairy balls, you toothless inbreds.

Thursday, February 5

2/05/2004 10:00:00 AM by Rob

What I am, and what I am Not

Another in a occasional series of posts to attempt to define my place in the universe

This is a Cub blog, primarily. That is because the fortunes of the Cubs takes up such a large space in my life. Moreso than, dare I say, my job. Certainly following the Cubs qualifies as my biggest hobby.

There are those who go to more games; those who watch more games; and those who do a much better job either writing about them, or analyzing them. I did not go to any playoff games. I wanted to, and I do not think that taking a quick trip to Atlanta on a moment's notice is excessive at all. Many of my Cub Blog brethren did, and I really envied them. I just couldn't, my life is not yet set up where I can do such things, and the fact that it is a priority of mine to construct my life so I can do exactly that attests to my love of all things Cub.

There are those who will wade into the numbers, trying to detect a trend, tell the future, to prove the effectiveness or lack thereof of our off-season transaction. I can read them, I can understand them, I can appreciate them, and I could probably do the same thing, if I were so inclined. But I'm not, perhaps in fear that I will be regarded as one of the geeks Kurt talks about on the Cub Nation blog. But I don't even really care about my geekhood. After all, someone who has an office like mine (see Sloth at Work link to left) is a geek. I just don't care to do it.

Those that do, and Derek has a good one today at Big Red C, tend to gain the respect of other bloggers and writers. They get linked to, and glorified. I rarely get that sort of treatment, even though I post every day if I am not sick, out of town, or in jail. Anyone willing to do numerical analysis deserves praise, even from me.

In here, I talk about the Cubs from my gut. I consider myself to be an observer of the human condition, and I tend to put most of my belief in the intangibles: how guys get along, how bad do they want to win. Here, we air greivances, we express resentments and bitterness. Most of my visitors and referrers are philosophers, ranters, ravers, and lunatics like Phil Martelli. Those are MY people, those who care more about whether Greg Maddux WANTS to be a Cub more than what he is being PAID.

The kind of people who, if they owned the Cubs, wouldn't give a shit about how big the payroll got, wouldn't think twice about eating someone's contract if they sucked and didn't care, and spend most of their time dealing with which guys bust ass, and which guys eat ass.

The rest of the blog is more of a personal indulgence, which is a purer definition of what most blogs are. The majority are diaries; there are people like myself that can't go on unless they get something off their chest, and this is a way to get it off my chest. My forays into politics have been miserable failures, for 98% of Americans care more about it than I, and considering that we are a fairly apathetic lot, that's saying something. I don't feel I have a particular agenda, outside of not suffering fools gladly. I am not Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative, etc. Like most Americans, I am self-centered, self-reliant, and self-absorbed. My wife and kids take up about 80% of my brain waves, the Cubs take up another 10%, my job, another 5%, and the rest gets split up between friendships, high school football, NASCAR, facial porn and the collected writings of Rev. Andrew Greeley.

And you think I'm kidding.

Wednesday, February 4

2/04/2004 09:17:00 AM by Rob

I am at peace with this

And, I suggest that you do the same.

If Pudge Rodriguez was truly a quality individual, he wouldn't let his agent railroad him into signing an over-inflated contract with the worst team in baseball. The fact is, Pudge wrecked us in the playoffs, but was just a touch above ordinary in the regular season. He would be better with us than he will be with the Tigers, but he is truly gonna suck this year, and the future doesn't look bright for him, either.

I do not hold the Cubs responsible for not giving him $40 million dollars, for what I gathered would be a one-season push for a pennant.

If Greg Maddux really wanted to play for the Cubs, he would have done what Todd Walker did, and worked with their original offer. He has been waiting for a West Coast opportunity, and he will probably end up pitching for the Dodgers for the same money that the Cubs offered him.

I do not hold the Cubs responsible for not signing Maddux, for they made him a fair initial offer, were willing to bargain with him, and it is not their fault that they don't currently reside in California.

It appears that the plan for 2004 will be to start out with Cruz in the rotation, and if he doesn't work out, if Zambrano does not recover from his late-season swoon, if Wood's arm falls off, OR if Clement's brand of mediocrity proves to be unsufficient, then there will be budget for trading-deadline upgrades.

This is NOT what I wanted. This is NOT the recipe for a sure-fire run to the pennant, and there is NOT any guarantee that they will even finish above .500 this year.

But, and I truly believe this, campers, this is the best the Tribune can do. I believe that they tried their best with Maddux, and I believe that giving $40M to Pudge is a monumental mistake. I am fine with this. I am ready for the season.

Let the games begin.

Tuesday, February 3

2/03/2004 02:29:00 PM by Rob

Tallest of the midgets

ESPN.com has just put out a study supposedly based on nationwide survey, which ranks all 120 major sports franchises using 21 criteria.

Well, our favorite sports team scored 45th. I personally think 88th in terms of "on-field achievement & winning potential" is quite low, considering the Columbus Blue Jackets, a truly miserable expansion hockey team, comes in 82nd. So we ought to be in the thirties, at least.

But 45th is far and away the best Chicago franchise. The Bulls and Bears come in around 90, the Sux are past 100, and THE worst sports franchise in North America is The Chicago Blackhawks, finishing just ahead of the AZ Cardinals.

Yep, that's fair.

2/03/2004 11:30:00 AM by Rob

I guess it wasn't really a drop-dead deadline

Today's Daily Herald reports that there really isn't a deadline after all for the Mad Dog and his paid cur.

Seems that Bore-ass called Hendry as he was checking in for surgery. How nice!! Probably was hoping that Jim was all whacked out on hillbilly heroin.

"Jim, I want three years times 12 mill for my guy."

"Shuuure, Slot, annythinnn he wanss isf soak-kay wif meee...."

Hopefully Jimmy is remembering to take all of his scheduled doses, so he's happy, painfree, and looser than Jenna Jameson on new satin bedsheets.

As The Cable Guy says, "Git 'er dun!"

2/03/2004 09:17:00 AM by Rob

Please, let's just let it go

Please....enough with Janet Jackson's right boob! It came, it saw, it bounced, it glistened, and as quick as that, due to alert camera work, it was gone.

This seems to be the story that WILL NOT DIE, and it is only gaining momentum with each passing newscast.

I saw it. It didn't exactly beat me over the head, not like those boobs that one time at Art's Performing Center in downtown Milwaukee. All I really remember was thinking: "Hmm. There's her boob. Typical. Is it pierced?"

And, when CBS cut away suddenly, "Well, that must have REALLY been her boob, since they felt the need to cut the show so short."

Really, people. Move along. Nothing to see here. Get on with your lives.

Monday, February 2

2/02/2004 12:58:00 PM by Rob

Shit or get off of the pot

WSCR radio is reporting that Hendry has given Maddux and Boras a deadline of Friday to have a deal done; else, the Cubs will prepare for battle with Juan Cruz as the fifth starter.

It's about time. There are no other offers out there, and I believe that we, as fans, are owed this much, at the least. Someone needed to flinch, and I'm glad this is finally going to resolve itself.

2/02/2004 10:07:00 AM by Rob

Return of the Moral High Horse

If you are one of the mouth-breathers that called CBS to complain about the half-time show, then please, don't ever come here again. I really don't care to pander to someone who claims that they were "sickened", "outraged", or "offended" by a 1/2 second flash of Janet Jackson's breast.

And, just so you know, let me tell you where I'm coming from.

I hate everything "Janet". I hate Janet Jackson, Janet Reno, Janet Gretkzy, Janet Elway, and it wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out that Oprah, Martha Stewart, and Hilary Clinton are all really named "Janet". This is all due to my last ex-wife, ol' Whats-her-name.

And I also hate Justin Timberlake.

I hate the excess of the Super Bowl, I hate the cheeziness of the halftime show. I also think that this was a planned "event", since Janet has an album coming out. Everyone knows her and Justin "hooked up" at one point, she has admitted in the past to being a "sex addict" a/k/a Nymphomaniac. Everyone knows what kind of whack job her brother is, and her whole family, in fact. This was really, really, really, really, really ill-advised, and you would think they would come up with some other way to attract attention.

It was NO accident. What do YOU usually wear that tears away that eazy? Plus, if you didn't know that you were gonna flash your bumps, then why do you wear the pastie thing over your nip?

All that, and people still complain.

People, you're giving them the attention they crave! Just act like it never happened. Deny them what they want. Now, it's all everyone is talking about. Like none of us have ever seen a boob before...it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to come out here, to the internet, and see pretty much anything you can possibly imagine...for free!

To you, the Least Common Denominator, you have spoken, again, and Janet-n-Justin know how to push your buttons. Don't you feel clever?

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