2/16/2004 03:41:00 PM by Rob

I'm starting to lose my patience with Campo

Am I missing the point with Campo?

Most of you doubtlessly know who Campo is...he's some old guy who just started posting on the Cubs Coven. I referred to him and his kind last week, and vowed to be nice and gentle with him. I figured he is just some harmless soul who has been abandoned by his kids and grandkids, and is reaching out for some human contact via the internet, speaking in the only tounge he knows, discussing the old-time Cubs using a mangled form of English obviously born of drink-induced dementia, compounded by his old-country "English as a Second Language" upbringing.

Now, millions think he's a riot, from Andy Dolan, Will Carroll, to connoseuers of fine filth like Forklift.

But I'm the one who has been trying to hold this guy's hand as we walk into the 21st century, and I gotta tell you, my ass is dragging. We all deal with pop-ups, mostly from travel agencies and mortgage firms, but yes, also with porn sites. Campo bugs out every time "Naughty Nancy" or "Jenna Juggs" pops up on his screen. I mean, really? I can't believe a guy, even if he IS old-line Italian, hasn't seen a woman's naked body, and can allow himself to be so darned discombobulated when he does.

What, did he and his Mrs. only do it with the lights off? I know that old Italian guys never "go south", but neither are they usually this prudish, either. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't personal, but I guess someone who still remembers when they roasted peanuts in the aisles at Wrigley is probably overwhelmed by the Internet.

It is a shame that Campo doesn't have the opportunity to get together face-2-face with a bunch of guys, like, in the park over a chessboard, or over cups-o-joe at a diner. He has to get on a computer to get his fill of Hot Stove action, and I understand how daunting that may be for him.

All that being said, it's not all that amusing to me, anymore. I try to connect to him, after explaining over and over again about the realities of the internet, by referencing one of his favorite ballplayers, and this always leads him to some story about some supposed media big-shot named Mr. Dick Beals, and am I supposed to know who the FUCK Dick Beals is?

I am so fucking sick of Mr. Dick Beals that I would be happy to rip off his cock and sew it inside his mouth backwards, ala the Viet Cong, so he can choke to death on the bloody, slimy foreskin.

Oh well, I'll deal with it. I know there are some people who are SCARED of Campo, because I guess he was once on the Infamous Cubs AOL board, and tore some guys new assholes. Then I guess he had a heart attack or a stroke or something, because there ain't nothing on his fastball anymore. I just can't help feeling sorry for him.

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