The Uncouth Sloth - born 2002, died 2006. R.I.P.

6/30/2004 11:01:00 AM by Rob

First Semester marks

As of the end of the weekend, 81 games will be played, and before the players go on to Houston or parts unknown for Christmas Break, it's time for Professor Sloth's Semester Marks!

As a Progressive bleeding heart Liberal (just ask Mike C.) Prof with Tenure!, I can judge solely on gut feel, without regard of numbers. If you don't like it, tough titties!! You can't fire me!

Manager Dusty - Effort:C Achievement:B+
Comments: The bottom line is that we are doing as well as expected, considering injuries. But it appears like he is resting on his laurels, and not doing anything new, just relying on what he has done in the past. Hey, Smooth? Win the Big One once, then you can cruise.

Co-Aces Prior & Wood - Effort:C Achievement:A-
Comments: Perhaps the freedom of choice, as to whether they felt good enough to pitch or not, was taken out of their hands. I still believe neither of them hurt so bad that they have had to miss 15 starts, between them, as we speak. When they DO pitch, of course, they're dynamite.

Studs Clement & Zambrano - Effort:A Achievement:B+
Comments: What they have done, to step up as the staff anchors, has been remarkable. Zambrano needs to focus, and Clement is never going to be more than he is right now.

Future HallOfFamers Maddux & Sosa - Effort:B- Achievement:C+
Comments: this middling average grade goes out to two guys who are clearly on the decline, with Maddux a little further on the bell curve than Sosa. A month for a sneeze? All this "resting up" for the post-season better not bite us on the ass...

Human Hamstring Pull Alou - Effort:A Achievement:B+
Comments: his efforts in Sosa's absence have been remarkable. For someone who was injured early and often from 2000-2002, he has held up very very well. In the 'what have you done for me lately?' department, he hasn't hit a lick since Sosa came back. WTF?

3B E-ramis - Effort:B+ Achievement:A-
Comments: our season's consistently best hitter, until recently has shown remarkable stability with the glove. Don't fall apart on us now, man.

Middle Infield Mangoo - Effort:B Achievement:C
Comments: With Todd Walker as the class of this bunch of circle jerks, it's hard to fault them for their lack of achievement, since few of them ever came advertised as offensive threats. Walker pretended to be a leadoff man for a few weeks, which resulted in a long winning streak. Then he hit a couple of bombs, and he started swinging from his ass, like the rest, and his OBP sped south...

1B Derrek McGriff - Effort:B Achievement:B
Comments: Miserable early, hot late, and in the end, will average out to the fantasy God he always has been. It's pleasant to see him hold down the defense at first, and once in a while breaks out the whupping stick, but overall, not an impact offensive player.

The Great Corey - Effort:C Achievement:B-
Comments: Part of effort is listening to the advice of others, and having the common sense to do what is obviously right. He FINALLY learned to bunt a few weeks ago, and what the fuck? All of a sudden, he started getting pitches to hit? How does THAT work, Corey? Huh? Jeezus.

The Todd - Effort:A Achievement:A
Comments: I've never seen better pinch hitting, period.

Catcher - Barrett - Effort:A- Achievement:B+
Comments: THE surprise of the year, in my book. I figured he would come in, stink up the position, because after all, he IS an OFFENSIVE catcher, and hit his usual .220. Can he keep it up, catching...all...those...day...games, it will get so...hot.

Albatross Gabor Paul Bako - Effort:B Achievement:D-
Comments: someone on another site said it wasn't cool to rip Paul Bako. Because he sucks, he knows it, and thus no mis-representation has been committed. Fuck that. He many possibly be worse than the 2002 Joe Girardi. Since Maddux is the fifth pitcher, is it really worth carrying his caddy on the roster? Fifth pitchers are lucky to get the ball, let alone dictating who they throw to. What's Robert Machado up to these days?

Bullpen - Effort:A Achievement:C
Comments: I'm sure whomever gets tossed out there is TRYING to throw strikes, and get guys out. More often that not, Farnsworth, Hawkins, and Leicester manage to do that. Otherwise, there is NO stability, which is really awful considering that the bullpen (rightfully) has been a priority for Cubs management the last three years.

The Closer Role - Effort:N/A Achievement:C
Comments: one of the two gaping holes (the other being a lack of a leadoff-hitting shortstop) on the team, and the only one that could possibly be addressed via trade. THE SINGLE MOST misleading stat in the history of stats was Reg'lar Joe's "20-for-20" in save situations. At his BEST, his very best, he was a high-wire act. The margin of error for him was so paper-thin, and when he went sour this year, he vanished into a sinkhole from which he may never recover. Hawkins is a set-up man, like it or not. So is Farnsworth. Beltran may SOMEDAY be the man for the job, once he learns NOT to walk the first man he faces.

Our closer situation would be OK if we were built to be mediocre. But it wasn't enough to win a pennant last year (and does anyone here NOT think that many of the post-season pitching decisions were based on lack of confidence in the closer role?) and it isn't enough now. Closers are born, not made. We need one now.

Conclusion - in a season with enough injuries to choke a first-time direct-to-video whore, we have managed to not only tread water, but leave ourselves in decent position. If this were NASCAR, we'd be drafting the leader, with many laps ahead of us without having to top off the gas, or change any tires.

But, to carry the redneck analogy further, we're loose on the curves, and tight on the straightaways. There have been brief flashes where it appeared we were watching championship-caliber baseball. But, more often than not, the overriding feeling I have after winning games is not that of Satisfaction, but of utter Relief.

Can we count on any more dropped fly balls? Can we count on LaTroy to finish games? How many games can we win by out-slugging the opposition, rather than relying on the more robust method of getting the leadoff man on and around?

I would feel SOO much better if we could count a little bit more on our closer.

6/30/2004 10:01:00 AM by Rob

Maria Sharapova

It must be July, for America is watching women's tennis. I have received many requests for some pert-n-perky pics of Miss Maria.

I humbly request that you go out to Jake Potter's latest post on Desipio for the latest state-of-the-art about the so-called "new Anna".

There's a few problems I have with that:
1) The old Anna never won anything. The new Anna is five times the tennis player.
2) This girl is tall and skinny, and looks fairly intelligent. Anna, of course, was relatively more stacked and far dumber looking. To me, the whole point of ANNA was that it always appeared that she would suck your intestines out of your dickhole if you either a) were a Russian hockey player, b) a rock star, or c) had a decent pickup line and a little game.
3) Maria is only 17, and the usual conditions apply.

6/30/2004 09:07:00 AM by Rob

The Beege really sucked last night

Hey, Beege? Wipe the KY jelly off your hands before returning to work!

Beege? Vaseline is only good on skin, not on leather!

Yo, Bee-gee-oh? Tell them to let you play a position you're good at...like...bent over!!

OMG, that was RICH! Moises Alou, who incidentally hasn't done SHIT since Sam-Me returned to the lineup, reached out for another pop-up. With two outs, everyone on base was running hard, and it appeared that the newly installed AssTrolls left fielder had overrun the ball.

Biggio in his long and illustrious career has caught, played second, then center field, now he's trying to be a corner outfielder. When he was in center, he dealt with balls hit squarely, thus very few of them will "tail-off" like the ball that Alou hit last night.

If he wasn't BEE-GEE-OH, if he wasn't the gay love interest of Chip and Stoney, if he wasn't chosen as a superior second baseman to (my dearly beloved) Ryno by Bill James in his Baseball Abstract, if he wasn't completely washed up and living solely off of his reputation, if he was almost anyone else not named Barry, I would feel a little sorry for him for getting jacked around like he has by his knee-jerk management team.

He's the worst left fielder in baseball right now.

That having been said, just watch him come out tonight and stick it right up our ass.

The AssTrolls are fucking STUPID for selling off their bullpen, for what might only be a few months of Carlos Beltran. He might drive in all the runs in the world, but if you don't have the ability to trot out Wagner and Dotel anymore, it might not matter.

Tuesday, June 29

6/29/2004 12:42:00 PM by Rob

By the way

Corky the Down Syndrome actor is winning the poll for backup catcher.

Who the fuck voted for Turd? Morans.

6/29/2004 12:29:00 PM by Rob

This can't be happening...

I'm here, I guess I have been in shock from the trauma of knowing that 1) Not only is Illinois prone to tornados, but we also have faultlines; 2) One of them runs right by my domicile; and 3) It decided to get up for a potty break the other night.

WTF? I always thought earthquakes were God's price for the beautiful scenery and outstanding weather Californians enjoy. I figured that having solid terra firma under my feet was my privilege for having to live in tornado alley, on land so flat that you can see the rooftops of the next town 7 miles away. No Venice Beach here, mister man. No majestic redwoods; no Sierra Madre's; no American Riviera here. Just cold winters, broiling summers, and...the Sandwich Faultline, which I never knew existed before last night at 1:10 AM.

This was when my 15 year old son starts banging on my bedroom door, yelling about a loud fricking noise that sounded like a fricking car hitting the side of our fricking house and shaking him out of his fricking bed. I accused him of taking drugs with his friends, and sent him back to bed. I didn't feel a thing, neither did my wife, and I fell back asleep in less time than it took Derek Fisher to get off that shot that beat the Spurs last month.

Imagine my surprise the next morning around the coffeepot at the gas station, when the geezers were whining about how their houses were shaking, and how probably their foundations are cracked, etc. etc. I said "Wait!! There was something last night?"

Oh yeah, it was a 4.5 richter scale earthquake, with an epicenter 5 miles from my house.

Surely, Stew is sitting in his untidy little hovel in Berkeley, chuckling to himself about the wee little jostle we took. But Stew doesn't have to shovel his fucking walk, either. Stew don't have to worry about seeking cover in the basement every time the sky gets a little dark. And Stew doesn't have to sweat out six gallons of liquid in August to cross the street.

He does, out of sympathy. But that's HIS choice.

Monday, June 28

6/28/2004 01:09:00 PM by Rob

Bright shiny future

DesPlaines, IL - The Uncouth Sloth is in temporary hiatus, deep in thought at a JavaScript class, which holds the promise of an exciting, good looking, interactive product from here on out.

When reached in his stuffy, sweaty classroom, Sloth was asked about the weekend series with the Sux, and the obviously negative results.

He thought briefly, and calmly spoke, "There is no excuse that I can offer for the fact that we are far closer to Milwaukee than we are to St. Louis, not just geographically, but in the standings. It appears that the Cardinals are simply better than us. Maybe Sammy is about ready to pop about two weeks of hot-dark-man slugging, that we can ride on."

"I do not have a clue how the Brewers are winning games, just as I have no clue about the Reds. Well, I know the Reds can score runs, but who knew that some of these guys could even find the plate, let alone throw balls over it? Same thing with the Brew Crew. I am worried about both teams right now, in addition to the AssTrolls and the Evil Satanic Fowl."

"Right now, we are not good enough to win in the playoffs. And while the AssTrolls get Beltran, and the Sux overpay for Freddy Garcia, we are just sitting here, waiting for Wood, like some fat hairy mope who doesn't remember whether or not he took his Viagra."

The Sloth should be up and totally operational on Thursday.

No truth to the rumor that he fell into a deep crevasse leading to hell, left over by the Great Ottawa Earthquake, and bumped into Leo Durocher, wearing goat horns, on his way down.

Thursday, June 24

6/24/2004 09:56:00 AM by Rob

Just when we were feeling good about ourselves...

The bullpen spontaneously combusts!

Dusty left Mercker in too damn long. It was obvious from here, sitting in front of my TV box, that he didn't have it last night. But, what the hell, probably no matter WHO they threw out there, the Cardinals were going to come back. So Taguchi is gay, and shitty, and two nights ago was keepin' it real for Louisville...last night, he's ICHIRO!

The Cubs Bullpen...sending opposing batsmen to the Hall of Fame since 1933. Naturally, before that, there was no HOF.

I guess we really DO need Kerry Wood back, huh? Never forget, Glendon Rusch IS the best Glendon Rusch I know. In case you are reading this, and are NOT a baseball fan, to be a Glendon Rusch is never a good thing.

OOOh, but it was cool to see Michael Barrett melt down, huh? I've been telling you all along that he's got the red ass, and it was pulsating last night. To me, the pitches Mercker was bitching about were low. It was nothing more than the desperate pleas of someone who once had it, and has finally realized that he's lost it. One would think that Barrett would realize that he was jerking those pitches three inches north, thus it would not be worth the effort to argue, but he did. Of course, Stoney and the Grandson were bemoaning how horrible it was that he got thrown out, how it completely destroyed the offense, and basically blaming the loss on it.

For, in their eyes, a tired Michael Barrett would be better at catching a Kyle Farnsworth slider than a fresh Gabor (Paul) Bako.

And if that is true, then Bako should be released. Today. He can't hit, run, or throw. If he cannot even complete the most basic of a catcher's tasks, TO CATCH, then why is he wasting our air? I can't wait to go out to Desipio today to see how low the Bako-a-meter is registering.

Paul Bako's mother was a whore, his father sucked crap out of port-a-let's without the use of mechanical equipment, and his ancestors leading all the way back to the womb of civilization were all beggars, thieves, morons, cretins, lawyers, and drug-peddling scum.

Wednesday, June 23

6/23/2004 10:34:00 AM by Rob

Rain on a nice picnic?

No, why would I do that?

It doesn't get much better than this, kids. After sweeping the AssTrolls and beating Moneyball two-of-three, we go down to the big frying pan and just fucking STAB 'em in the heart with Ramirez' two-out two-run double.

Better than sex? Dunno if Jack Ryan would think so. I'd have to mull it over, because it's damnclose.

I'm not going to recap the game, for there are plenty of places you can go to look for that. Today I am going to wonder about Kerry Wood.

I suppose I should have faith, for it seemed like Prior was never coming back, and now he's here and pitching very well. Today in the Trib, Wood said not to expect him back before the All-Star break (mid-July). The optimists amongst us will expect that we will hold on tight until then, and from there, cruise to a division title, where we will enjoy the benefits of a relatively fresh Prior and Wood in the playoffs.

I just hope they know what they are doing, because it seems that whatever ails him isn't much worse than the pain (some) pitchers go through on a routine basis, and I'm wondering how long our luck is going to hold out, essentially playing shorthanded since day 1.

The other question of the day is that they seem to be rushing Rickey Guiterrez through the system. Is Gonzalez hurt worse than first thought? Or have they just given up on his low average and buttload of strikeouts? Surely they don't plan on Dusty trying to keep Guiterrez, Gonzalez, Ordonez, Martinez, Maciasez, Walkerez and Grudzalanez happy all at once?

Never heard of a team keeping seven middle infielders. Expect to see some trades, although I can't even imagine what useful parts any of them would bring. I don't think you can get a decent closer for a handful of mediocre middle infielders.

Tuesday, June 22

6/22/2004 04:35:00 PM by Rob

Return of the brat

Martina Hingis is doing Wimbledon commentary on ESPN,and that may be the ONLY reason why I would ever, ever, ever turn on a tennis match on my Tv box.

She has said that "I should have no trouble finding boys. I am not that horrible looking". One of my all-time favorite quotes.

I leave it up to you to Google pictures of her fine ass.

6/22/2004 02:32:00 PM by Rob

Allow me one more political rant

Chuck from Ivy Chat tipped me to this months ago, so I was ready.

Do not shun Jack Ryan because he wanted to do it with his smokin' hot wife in public.

Do not shun Jack Ryan because he fought the equally nosy and insipid Chicago Tribune and WLS Channel 7 TV in court, because he didn't want you to know about wanting to make it with his silicone-enhanced starlet wife in various sex clubs.

Do not shun Jack Ryan because he won't directly confirm or deny that he wanted to stuff his former wife, Jeri Ryan of "Boston Public",

in front of other people, for if he publicly accuses his ex of lying, then it would make it harder for him to deal with her in terms of their somewhat physically ill child, who lives in LA with her and her Star-Trek producer fiancee.

Shun Jack Ryan because he lied to his Illinois Republican leadership about the contents of his divorce files, and because instead of admitting that disclosure of these files would be harmful to his campaign, he says that disclosure of these files would hurt their aforementioned sickly son, who lives in California and who does not deserve to be USED as an CRUTCH for his overly ambitious father.

This is the type of faulty judgment you SHOULD shun.

6/22/2004 10:11:00 AM by Rob

Rivalry week - again

The so-called national media is always running some poll asking about which is the best rivalry in the game, and invariably, Cubs-Cards always loses out to Yankees-Sox. Which always make me wonder out loud "C'mon, our rivalry is much better than when the Yankees play the WHITE SOX!"

Oh yeah, I forgot, the East Coast media just assumes that the Red Sox is the only Sox. The Sux matters less to them than they do to us.

Anyway, I figure these polls are nothing more than masturbation; to re-affirm in their East Coastish minds that their ball is the best ball.

But the truth be told, Yanks-BoSox is FAR more intense, for one reason - civility.

Cubs and Cardinal fans can be in the same room for more than 15 seconds without swinging at one another. There's a deep down desire to see our guys pound their guys, sure. And, lately, there seems to be more animosity coming from the actual participants than from the people in the stands, which is very cool. But there isn't any real hatred.

Actually, that kind of hatred is only shown at Comiskey during Cubs-Sux series.

If you can cross the Comiskey animosity with the historical competitiveness of the Cubs-Cards rivalry, you would have something approaching Yanks-Sawx. I mean, those people HATE each other wicked bad back there.

It just seems like we got done with these clowns. And now we go back there, and by next month, we'll be done with them. In the meantime, we haven't even SEEN the Brewers yet, so you know what that means? Three months of Lyle Overbay, 24/7. Whomever made this schedule really didn't give a rat's ass about the fans, did they?

These "Cardinal weeks" need to be spread out more throughout the season for maximum impact. It's hard to build up a full head of hatred when you just left there 15 days ago. We need a refractory period...to build up our stuff, you know. To reload our gun.

So, once again...Let the games...begin.

Monday, June 21

6/21/2004 03:26:00 PM by Rob

Pvt. Jessi Update

Jessica Lynch courtesy jessica-lynch.com

It seems that America's Favorite POW is making the best out of her situation.

With many of the proceeds from the donations she received, she has started her own foundation benefitting the children of Armed Services personnel seperated due to war. She has had the opportunity to meet the president, but otherwise, she is wisely limiting her public appearences to meet-and-greets at YMCA camps for said children.

One of her legs is still busted up real bad, she still requires a cane. The girl still looks bone skinny, and her speaking abilities, which I suspect were never very polished, are still suffering from the trauma of her war incident.

I guess if you were to ask her, she would insist that she has few regrets, and that she has been able to accomplish so much for many needy people. But she HAS sacrificed, and there is much that she will never get back.

But, of course, she is hardly the usual case. How much would she be able to do for needy children if she weren't elevated to the cause celebre of the Early Iraq War days? How about all the other war wounded, both physically and psychologically, who did NOT come home to a hometown parade, a fat war chest of donations, and the love of a supportive family?

6/21/2004 09:08:00 AM by Rob

Bill Clinton

You all know that I hates me some Dubya real fierce. So, it being human nature, I must confess that I was beginning to forget a little about how I felt about his predecessor, one William Jefferson Clinton.

Suffice to say, it all came flooding back to me last night during '60 Minutes'.

Ducking, dodging, not straight-answering, chuckling, knee-slapping, wrapping himself around his fake-assed down-home upbringing, as if the Rhodes Scholar wouldn't wipe his ass with the whole Arkansas thing if he could.

I could taste the puke in my mouth.

Who ya sleepin' with now, Slick Willie? I'm sure she's bumpy, plumpy, and gots a tounge piercing.

UPDATE: How the hell did we get back to Dubya? I'm talking about Mr. Teflon here, Mr. Cigar Aficinado himself.

6/21/2004 09:08:00 AM by Rob

When you're attractive, the barndances are better and more frequent

Yeah, it seems like we just came back from a big ol' shindig in Texas, and we knew the crosstown rumble this weekend was going to be huge.

But tomorrow through Thursday, we have a date with the Evil Satanic Fowl, in their kitchen, with the division lead at stake. We sweep, we're in the lead. We get swept, we're five games back, probably in 4th or 5th place. We need to fight like hell to give Maddux some support tomorrow. Give him five quick runs, and just let him throw strikes. Give them hillbillies some sorrows to drown.

I am glad to see that with the return of Grud, it meant the end of Baker's Dozen. And I know what I am about to say just reeks of Cubness, and I know that there is more upside with Jon (ice) Lester, and Glendon Rusch is left-handed and destined to be the long man/spot starter upon Wood's return...but I feel bad for Jimmy Anderson. He used to be a fat slob, and now he is less slobby. He pitched very well, two days in a row, in key situations. I just hope he gets another chance soon, probably with somebody else (because if we see him again, that means someone ELSE is hurt).

Has anyone else heard ANYTHING about Not So Reg'lar Joe? Talk about your Stalinesque purges. One minute he's blowing key saves, the next minute a mysterious shoulder ailment is theorized, then more opinions are needed, then POOF! Somehow the Cubs have made a 240-pound millionaire disappear!

Of course, they did the same thing to Larry Himes and Ed Lynch, and as I recall, Lynch is a pretty big boy himself. I hope they are being fed ok down in Guantanamo Bay, or wherever it is they are being held.

Friday, June 18

6/18/2004 11:41:00 AM by Rob

SWEEP!

Thanks, Joe, I don't usually Google. Gotta start. Love that IMAGES tab.

Hopefully we will look back on the past week with the same reverence we look back to the St. Louis 4-of-5 from last year, which seemed to be THE key turning point to 2003.

Today, Sosa will bat...4th, with Ramirez in the 3 hole. Alou gets a day off, and Hollandsworth gets one more day in the sun in left field. Personally, myself, if he wasn't The 800-Pound Gorilla, Sosa should be hitting fifth today. But I guess 4th is better than 3rd. Hopefully they can drive in some runs by the time the wheel spins around to Sosa, because you know he's going to miss badly today.

He still gives the lineup the glow of respect. You know he's probably gonna whiff, but you never know if and when he'll reach one. You HAVE to approach him that way, and that makes it just a c-hair harder for the pitcher. Which is good.

You have to hope that we are currently in the beginning of a long march to put distance between us and the Fragile Reds, Knee-Jerk AssTrolls (they paid more for Weathers than we did!) and the Evil Satanic Red Fowl. Now we can no longer hide behind the Injury mask. We are now only missing one impact player, which is typical. I'd like to keep the ball rolling, at least through the series with the Inferior Product in town.

BTW: Love him or hate him, no way, NO WAY Mark Giangreco from ABC Channel 7 deserves a week's UNPAID vacation, because he showed a black-and-white clip of a town burning, and snarked that it was live coverage from Detroit. His management claimed that his actions had RACIAL overtones...

When Disney Corp. is running the country, I want to have my Canadian Relocation Plans in order...better go start now.

Thursday, June 17

6/17/2004 02:31:00 PM by Rob

This week's web poll is over

And, the masses have spoken, and they would rather have Big Stupid Tommy's dad coaching third base, than have Carlos Beltran wearing the blue.

As much as I lust after Beltran, I can't muster much of an opposition against you all.

Wendell Kim really is THAT bad.

Should have something new for you to chew on soon.

6/17/2004 11:37:00 AM by Rob

Certainities

Wouldn't the world be a better place if everybody was as open and honest as, well....

Anyway. One certainity we can live with right now is that the Cubs are one win away from sweeping the AssTrolls in their own juicebox. Another is that we have effectively waved the stench away from our first short trip there. Still a third is that at this point, watching the Cubs gives me a confident feeling, like they are in fact in control of their own destiny. As pitiful as they seemed during the end of the Joe Borowski Era, they match that now with poise and a swagger.

This weekend, for the first time in a while, we will have a bench that resembles an actual major league winning bench. Goodwin, Martinez, and Hollandsworth are excellent players for a Bench. Actually, they have some hard decisions to make. Dubois is going down, yes. But are they going to cut Ordonez loose? I assume they want to keep Macias. Could this be a small window of opportunity to make a deal with men currently on the roster, who might not be tomorrow?

Wednesday, June 16

6/16/2004 09:24:00 AM by Rob

Redemption - nothing feels better

First of all, thank you to Lance Berkman, Ramon Martinez, and everyone else who contributed to the ninth-inning comeback last night. After having to endure years of raw naked unabashed man-lust for the AssTrolls by Chip (Biggio) and Stoney (their bullpen), it was so unbelieveably liberating to finally get over on them in the ninth inning.

It was a beautiful thing, and it was as close as I have come to crying for joy in watching a Cub game. I didn't have the opportunity to watch Kerry's 20K day. I may have cried that day, if I had. Last night was THAT good.

Redemption is an ancient human theme. A man can be ridiculed by so many for his actions, and more importantly for those who think and feel, for his beliefs. To finally rise above, to hear once and for all that he is right and just in his best efforts, may possibly be the most gratifying thing there is in life.

Two more stories have come up today that have provided me with the warmest glow of reassurance, that I am NOT crazy, mis-informed, or stupid.

The first is from the world of sports and academia. I HATE Gary Barnett, the carpet-bagging coach of Colorado's football team. Chicagoans were treated to two-sidedness in its lowest, most festering order when he ditched his so-called beloved Northwestern Wildcats to take his "dreeeeem job" in Colorado.

We all know what has happened there, under his watch, ever since. It was incredulous that he was merely suspended, not fired, after his utter insensibility in dealing with women alleging sexual misconduct against members of HIS team.

There are few who are close enough to the program who can vouch for the character of the accusers. Perhaps, as Barnett has said, they were all drunken groupies. Even if they were, do you actually come out and SAY IT? In THESE times? How can you be so arrogant?

It is painfully obvious that, at the very least, he should be dismissed. In fact, it is clear to me that the whole management structure there is dysfunctional, completely lacking real world perspective. But whenever I suggest that the U. of Colorado needs an enema, the more LIBERAL acquaintences of mine point out that nobody has been charged, so nobody needs to lose their job, etc.

I could not believe it when he was reinstated! What kind of spinning bozo would put this guy back at the helm of the program? Well, obviously, Betsy Hoffmann, President of the BangBus, thinks so.

Is she a loony? Well, as you all know, the Uncouth Sloth does NOT shy away from obscenity, sometimes to the point of utter foulness. But there is ONE word that even I, purveyor of fine filth, will not touch. But Betsy thinks its a term of endearment!

THAT is the kind of person who wants a arrogant, two-faced, woman-hating carpet bagger coaching HER team. What is with this cookie? What do you suppose has happened in HER love life where she thinks being called a Key-yunt is sweet? Now, I just just imagine her being twisted around like a pretzel, while some vile, smelly chain-smoking beret-wearing sadist shoves a plunger handle in and out of her ass like an oil derrick.

Whew. She's wack, and I told you so.

Next, let's look at the latest national effort to ensure our security. You know, the one that has burned hundreds of BILLIONS of dollars that we don't have, has cost us nearly 1,000 brave soldiers, and is completely and utterly UNAPPRECIATED by the so-called liberated party.

The 9/11 Commission has just ruled that there was NO link between Saddam's Iraq and Al Qaida.

So why are we there, because it sure isn't to keep US safe? There were no WMD, there is no proof that they had ANYTHING to do with 9/11. How DARE I suggest that we are only there to clear Daddy's name, to finish Daddy's work. I think the Bushes are up to their eyeballs in Big Oil, and somehow, someway, Saddam and OPEC fucked them over somehow, and this is a bidness deal, no more, no less, and we're doing it on OUR dime, using the very lives of OUR troops.

Support our troops. Do NOT support Bush. And all of you who wrote me on the basis that we are trashing Iraq in the name of protecting our precious babies, you can all line up in front of my grey house in beautiful bucolic Corn Hole, IL, after work tonight, and suck my dick.

Tuesday, June 15

6/15/2004 01:49:00 PM by Rob

Random disjointed thoughts for today

Word of advice for today: when in a restaurant, make sure all your food is thoroughly cooked. If you lust for rare bloody meat, you're probably best to satisfy your urge AT HOME, when you know exactly how old the meat is, and where its been.

Or else, you can sit at home on a Tuesday, running to the can every 15 minutes. At the very least, you'd think I'd look thinner. No such luck.

I think most of you know that this isn't the place to go for puffy-chested gloating about wins in June. Last night was huge, yes. Prior bounced back strong from his last pathetic outing; Rapin' Roger got his ass handed to him; and we started this big 4-game series in the JuiceBox in the right direction. All relevant members of the bullpen were free to spit seeds, give hotfoots, bang fat chicks (Farnsworth only) or do whatever they do while relaxing and recuperating. It was huge.

Unfortunately, this is a long season, we're still not in first place, and we haven't gotten into a winning rhythm yet. Although, 3 in a row is a good start.

Tonight is interesting. There have been stories about minor discomfort felt by the Zamboni. Of course, he's not going to sit down. Hopefully he can pitch tonight without any major pain issues. It gets me thinking, though. What if he was signed to a long-term deal, like Prior or Wood? Once he said he was in pain, do you think the team would have shut him down, too? This fits under my theory, because Zambrano, as valuable as he is, is not yet a long term risk. HE makes the standard major league tender for someone in his third year. Is he hurting any less than Wood or Prior were? How come he isn't being shelved for six weeks?

Good lord, I don't WANT to see him on the shelf. But it just smacks of a double standard, to me. Not a racial double standard...just one between the big contracts and small ones.

Desipio IS having a ball because it is starting to become more and more likely that Chip Caray will soon be an ex-Cubs broadcaster. I mean, if the corn pone act was coming from someone who REALLY remembered Pearl Harbor, then it's fine. It's good. I guess if the model for young sportscasters is the ESPN SportsComedy model, then the fact that Chip rejects it isn't a bad thing. We just want our announcers to be themselves, to be comfortable to listen to.

If THAT is just Chip being himself, then that's scary, and he should go into another line of work that has much less public exposure. Mortician would work. Crossing guard. Pharmacist. Researcher in a cancer lab.

Just get out of my color TV, squirrel boy.

Monday, June 14

6/14/2004 01:34:00 PM by Rob

A rare NBA nugget

Without looking at anything, I am going to name off as many of the next NBA champs as I possibly can.

Rip Hamilton. Sheed. Darko, because he got drafted before Carmelo Anthony. Ben Wallace. Tayshawn Prince. Um. Um. Oh yeah, Billups. Isn't it Courtney Billups? Isn't that his name? A girl's name?

Anyway, the point is, I don't Do the NBA, it sucks big dog dick.

Oh yeah, it's Chauncey. I knew it was something fruity like that.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I don't care. But I KNOW people who DO! Some of them live in MY house, at least ONE of them do, and this person is DRAGGIN' ASS because HIS team is nothing but a bunch of fat, sassy choking whooers.

Look, if Gary Payton and Karl Malone were SUCH great men, they would have managed to win their own rings, on their own, back in their primes. Taking lifelong LOSERS, and latching them along the side of the wagon, in an attempt to carry them to a ring...it's a STUPID idea, and it's biting the Big Shaq Foo right in his fat ass right now!!

GO, PISTONS!!!

6/14/2004 08:48:00 AM by Rob

I grew a beard watching yesterday's game

First off, excellent bunch of comments over the weekend, and yep, I DO need to deal with the fact that if I flop it out there, there are some of you that aren't gonna like it. The post was meant to be more far-reaching, like our society as a whole, not just the small band of pre-verts that come here.

If you're of Mediterranean descent, or otherwise just someone with a regular male level of testosterone (and I mean YOU too, Sharon Panozzo), you're probably thinking: "no big deal" about growing a beard.

But I am definitely testosterone-challenged, so when I finally picked my big fat ass up after Jon Lester (why even try to spell his real name?) nailed down the Angels in the 50th inning, my wife said something about "welcome to the real world, Rip Van Winkle. Now go out and grill us some dinner, fatback."

She wasn't referring to sleeping, cause I wasn't. Yep, I had grown a real beard. It was amazing. Just like the game, because so much improbable shit happened.

- Fred McLee went 5 for 5?
- Todd Hollandsworth nearly snapped his neck pulling down some serious asynchronous sattelite in the 12th. Good hit, no glove, indeed...
- On a bang-bang play in the last inning, they gave the runner (us) the call? When in the hell does that ever happen? If the fielder makes an outstanding a play as Choad Fingers did, they always get the benefit of the doubt. Replays showed Walker beat the play, but Scosia ran out there anyway, because like I said, the fielder ALWAYS gets the call, and he probably wanted to know when and where HE pissed in the ump's Cheerios, anyway?
- The Great Vlad fucked up a fly ball. Of course, he came back and stuck it right up LaTroy's ass...

But the biggest surprise? To paraphrase the ancient philosopher, Happy Gilmore, somebody taught Corey how to bunt...

This series was HUGE, a series win against a quality opponent, with what I hope was Corey and DLee finally turning a corner, and Sosa coming back for this weekend.

Many of you are probably thinking "Hey, windbag, why all the Sammy luv these days?" OK, I deserve it, and don't worry, I don't love him THAT much. I am just really encouraged by the fact that, for some reason, it appears that the dumb ass donkey finally learned from Corkgate, and is getting himself some rehab. Did any of you see him stretch that double into a single? No matter, I don't give a shit if he isn't running, he's hitting, and good lord potatochips, we need him to come back hitting.

Tonight is a big ol' barndance, with #22 going up against Andy Pettitty's massage partner. I said that thick-assed penis was going to win 8 games ALL YEAR. Shit, the fucker ought to be 10-0, if his pen didn't do a Borowski on him one game. I'd like to think that Prior is just gonna strut up there tonight and shove hit up his big thick ass.

I dunno. It seems that ol' Rog has got some magic going, as if God has bestowed His blessings upon him for recompense for having to deal with the single most genetically short-changed bunch of ankle-biters this side of Mel-Kay Trailer Park in Diamond, IL. His oldest son, Kady or Kory or Kinko, I forget his name, still thinks his dad throws for the Blue Jays. And the kid is, in fact, mainstreamed in the local school system, which says something about either the quality or benevolence of South Texas schools.

A co-worker, good guy, came in and he thinks we're gonna yank the big old shitty horseshoe out of Rapid Roger's butt tonight. That'd be nice.

Friday, June 11

6/11/2004 12:19:00 PM by Rob

Hypersensitive fuckmullets, part deux

Any man more right than his neighbors constitutes a majority of one. - Henry David Thoreau

Remember a couple of months ago, when I said that something bad was happening, and I was uncomfortable about it?

Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I was thisclose to shitcanning this, because I was so discouraged?

I tried to put a finger on it, and ended up all over the place. But let's look at a few things that is going on in the world around us.

Certainly, the cretin who is in trouble because in his cartoon, he said that Ronald Reagan is at this point in time turning brown and crispy, ok, he deserves it. I observe his point - the whole State Funeral concept blows anyone under the age of 40 away.

I remember when, in one year, we lost Johnson, Truman and Eisenhower, and it seemed to me like all there was on the TV was some sort of hoo-ha about a dead president. But I know that cannot really be true, since that was also during Vietnam, the beginning of Watergate, and was Patty Hearst thrown in there, too? Don't remember, I was 8.

Anyway, the cretin needs to know that, when an ex-president dies, he deserves the royal treatment.

But let's look at who else is in trouble:

Larry Bird's in trouble, because he says that Blacks are better than Whites in basketball. He didn't offer the Jimmy The Greek argument. Just simply stated the fact.

Jimmy Kimmel's in trouble, too, for joking about the fact that they start fires in Detroit after they win championships.

Moises Alou's in trouble, for admitting that he pees on his hands. Not anyone else's hands, mind you. His own. He keeps his pee to himself.

Bill Parcells is in trouble too, even though he bracketed his statements, and used a term that his coordinator, NOT HIMSELF, uses to characterize trick plays. He even got in trouble for using the term 'oriental', although Webster his own self says 'oriental' is a frequently used descriptor for 'something from Asia'.

It's one thing to flame someone for bigotry, prejudice, hate, and malice. But to condemn someone for being merely UNCOUTH enough to stating a fact?

When humor cannot hide behind the truth, then we have completely lost our place as a society.

We have completely, and utterly lost our sense of humor in this country. After 9/11, a frequently used term used by comics was 'irony is dead'. They were trying to say that you couldn't be funny anymore, on any but the most sacchrine, superficial level. Why IS Jay Leno popular? Now, we know.

I was hoping that, like nearly everything else that has ever happened in the long history of man, that we would somehow learn to work our way past the outrage of 9/11. But maybe it's because NOBODY associated with this crime has been brought to justice, but we're still stuck in an overly politically correct, psychotically paranoid, red-assed mode of suffering.

People these days and that includes YOU guys who convulse every time I bring up Dubya's Imperial ways are less than one pea-whisker away from self-righteous indignation. You can't say shit anymore without getting buried in a pile of it.

C'mon, people? Is this what happens when you introduce "time-outs" as a substitute for corporal punishment? Is this a result of the AYSO and its insiduous effect on Generation X? It's the ultimate in conceit. Quit being so full of yourselves, and toughen up, take care of your responsibilities, and don't be so god damned belligerent and thin-skinned.

Leave that to the Sux fans.

In an age of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. -- George Orwell

Thursday, June 10

6/10/2004 03:04:00 PM by Rob

What, did Jason Marquis sneeze?

Must have, 'cause they called some poor sap up from the minors, and we just got done slapping the all-begotten dogshit out of him, with a dime in the 4th, and we now got a lead that even Borowski couldn't blow, even if we let him pitch TWO innings.

So, since 1 o'clock yesterday, they shit all over us, and we turned around and shit all over them. So it's basically even. We went even in this series, we went even for the homestand, and without Wood, Sosa, Grud, etc, we're basically treading water. So all of the worrying and hand-wringing, and we're still standing in the same place.

While half of the division has strolled thru here the last two weeks, we basically came away with nothing. Thanks for the lovely chit-chat, please come again.

Still, it's great to watch the good guys just run around the bases while the collie-molesting Jim Edmonds fusses and fumes until the veins pop out of his neck. I hope Cap'n Tightpants' pit bull bites Edmonds right on his hairy sack.

6/10/2004 11:25:00 AM by Rob

Who gets the free pass?

So far, nobody here feels that SuperCatcher Paul Bako is deserving of scorn and ridicule.

What, exactly, does that say about us, that we would readily ridicule two members of the "media", the Chipster and the perpetually homely Sharon Panazzo, but not someone who takes up a space on OUR roster who couldn't hit one out of Mendota Purple Park (190-200-190) with me pitching?

What does it say? We love dogs. And wayward catchers that kinda look like dogs. And presidential candidates that look like bassett hounds.

Wednesday, June 9

6/09/2004 03:37:00 PM by Rob

Muahahahahaha!

I don't think I gotta tell anyone HERE what this means...

Already, Barry Larkin has been removed from today's game with a possible hernia...

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

6/09/2004 10:03:00 AM by Rob

Jesus. Some of you are just hyperpsychotic fuckmonkeys!

All of the venom on the comments, just because I suggested that Ronald Reagan was no saint. I didn't even hate him. The Union survived before him, and after him. He was charismatic, and for that alone, he is remembered fondly by many people (as long as he didn't order police with tear gas to invade his community).

I'm no closet pinko, and I resent you for suggesting it, just because I am opposed to our occupation of Iraq. I love America, and I want to see all of our troops come home alive, and in one piece. I have NEVER believed it was our business to be the World's Policeman, nor is it our responsibility to rebuild entire countries. The Iraqis are NEVER going to thank us for liberating them. You can't help someone who's too proud to accept it.

Anyway, whenever I even sneeze in a political way, you guys go nuts. I don't understand the paranoid mindset that always looks for something to go wrong, and I also don't understand the mindset that allows unblinking, unconditional faith in authority, either.

Most people (even Dubya) do good things. And they do bad things. NOBODY's infallible. Nobody. But it always seems that, when someone dies, the press piles all over each other to be the first and the most to ooze the most unctuous praise all over the corpse.

If you have half a brain, that kind of waxy love buildup ought to make you queasy.

It sickens me to see it heaped on dead politicians, on dead movie stars, on dead athletes, and in the case of people like Sammy Sosa, on live athletes, too.

Sosa is a good ballplayer, much better than average. He has won us many games. On balance, I'd rather have had him in RF the last 12 years, than, say, a parade of has-beens and never-weres. I just recoil at the unconditional love he gets, without mention of his 'grip it and rip it' approach to the game, both swinging and throwing, that has lost us many games, too.

You HAVE to balance the good with the bad, because many of us have memories, and chafe when some talking head tries to force the rose-tinted shades on my face.

Life, my friends, is not black-n-white. It's drawn with a big ol' 64-stick box of crayons, and it bugs the fuck out of me when some toothy suntan-whore tells me that chickenshit is chicken kiev.

I can tell what color it is, and whether it's oozing herb butter or something else.

Tuesday, June 8

6/08/2004 02:05:00 PM by Rob

Alex, I'll take Sawed Off Fuckmonkeys for $400

Thank you, Scott G. F., the commenter of the day, for the link to Wavin' Wendell's Website?!?

Good Lord Almighty, who in the hellnation thought that this guy was good enough at what he does to devote a website to him?

I'm tellin' ya, something much more involved and sinister is at work here. It ain't due to a buncha nasty Polaroids Kim's got at home...that's too cliche.

I'm thinking he's a loanshark, and he has loaned Dusty Baker, amongst others, money that they can't pay back right away. So he lords it over them, like Ron Jeremy tea-bagging his big hairy balls over some blond teenage runaway.

6/08/2004 09:21:00 AM by Rob

If you don't have anything nice to say...

...don't say anything at all?

Fuck that.

First off, you may have noticed that yesterday I totally avoided the two biggest stories of the weekend, both of which involved near-historic levels of revisionist history.

First, the death of Ronald Reagan. The fact that he is beloved by so many now is a testament to the utter stupidity of the majority of the American public.

He defeated the Soviet Union? How, exactly? The theory seems to be that he basically involved them in a high-stakes game of Texas Hold 'em. Seems to me that the Soviet Union collapsed under itself, and would have done so regardless of who carried the football for the U.S.A.

The litany of mistakes made under his watch is too long and complex for me to outline here, but I blame him for the trillions we are in debt.

Basically, if you bought Dubya a boxed set of "Hooked on Phonics", and if he worked real hard, and completed all his homework...you got Ronald Reagan.

They both were in bed with 'Big Business', just that Bush's is all pretty much Oil, whereas Reagan's was more Defense Industry.

And, while we're at it...I mentioned Texas Hold 'Em. What is more OVER-RATED than watch a bunch of crooks play cards? Jeezus, the same mopes that 5 years ago were puffing expensive cigars and sipping single-malt scotches, are now poker afficinados? We've glorified nearly everything about the lamest of male rituals, "poker night". We've glorified smoke, drink, and now the cards themselves. What's next? Competitive Chip-Dipping?

Next, Smarty Jones. Give me a fat fucking break. First of all, horseracing? Who cares? If a human being wants to allow himself to be exploited in the name of sport, fine. The horse doesn't have a choice, I figure.

But the point is, before the Kentucky Derby, Smarty Jones was NOT one of the favorites. But he won, and the Preakness, too, and just like the last six horses since 1997 who have won the first two races, imbecile writers in ill-fitting suits have lined up to tell the world how THIS is the horse that was BORN to win the Triple Crown. Uh, if that was the case, then why wasn't there more buzz surrounding him a mere six weeks ago, BEFORE the Derby?

Give some of us SOME credit for having a memory, huh? God Dammit, I hate it when people like that insult my intelligence.

Which now brings me to Dusty Baker. He may have a reputation, and he may have some kind of clubhouse presence, and he takes pressure away from his players, and all of that is important.

He may not have a choice when he effectively names LaTroy Hawkins as his new closer, since Hendry hasn't provided him with any alternative. (Or maybe this is all part of a larger Machievellian plan to force Hendry to act...) But it is painfully obvious that Hawkins is not the man for the job. When he makes a pre-emptive strike by declaring himself off-limits to post-game second guessing...fucking numbskull.

He's a set-up man, no more, no less. Let's let Tiggers do what they do best.

We will leave Dusty lie today in the area of offensive strategy, or lack thereof. (No walks, no 3-ball counts?) He also has his hands tied when it comes to Corey Patterson. Certainly CPat needs to be demoted immediately. But that's hard with all the injuries. If and when we get back Grud, Sosa, and Gonzalez, we can relieve ourselves of any dependency on Rey Ordonez, Dave Kelton, etc., and give CPat the Time Out he so desperately needs.

No, I'm kicking Dusty's ass today for the festering little boil that is Waving Wendell Kim.

Simply put, just WHATTHEFUCK does Kim do for us? Certainly his forte is NOT traffic control at third. What does he actually do? Does he conduct a stellar infield practice during BP? Is he the world's foremost sliding instructor? Or does Dusty have some sort of unknown degenerative back problem, and if so, does Kim wipe his ass?

We'd be better off just leaving the third base coaches' box EMPTY! Maybe sell some advertising there...maybe install a nice plasma monitor for scrolling out-of-town scoreboards.

I mean, 200 foot pop-up + Jim Edmonds + Ramirez on deck = Sending Macias home?

This loss hurts because it's the Deadbirds, sure. But Carpenter pitched lights out, and this just seemed like this was their game, which would be acceptable, I guess, except when you consider that we blew four games to the Pirates in the last 10 days that we should have won. You have to make up for that somewhere, by winning games you weren't meant to. So every loss is crucial.

Monday, June 7

6/07/2004 09:51:00 AM by Rob

NOTE: Just added: the More Age Appropriate Sloth All-Majestic Five - for those of you completely whacked out about me lusting after 18 year olds...

It's about time

I've been saying all along that this is the year that Reg'lar Joe pays his debt to the devil for his career resurrection of 2002-3. Actually, it was more like an emergence than a resurrection, because in order to resurrect, he would have had to have a career to start with, which he really didn't.

So, now, in a face-saving move, they have placed him on the DL - there's got to be SOMETHING wrong with Joe! - so it then becomes easier for Dusty to use someone else as the closer. When Dusty pulled Joe out of the game on Friday, he had officially Lost His Faith in Borowski. He makes too much money for the Cubs to cut him, and rather than send him to Iowa, which perhaps they cannot do without his permission, he is now on the chillin' list.

This is a good thing, people, for it forces Dusty to conduct the search for the new closer, which we are going to need if we are to make any kind of run at it when Wood and Sosa come back.

Based on his reputation, his contract, and his current stats, LaTroy Hawkins becomes the initial closer du Jour. Except that he had trouble yesterday. And he blew a save last Friday. And he blew another save earlier this year. And he blew all sorts of saves in Minnesota, to the point that they had to employ Every Day Eddie Guardado to be the closer.

Hawkins is little more than the Black Captain Tightpants. A converted starter with lethal stuff, who will get you all the outs you need in the 7th and 8th innings, but who shit down their leggings in the ninth. If he makes The Leap, then fine. So far, there has been little evidence to suggest that he will.

Remlinger or Mercker? Both have the mileage, the mental makeup necessary. But neither have the stuff, man. God bless 'em both, but their physical limitations make even JoeBlow look like a Bally Health Club model.

Hey, maybe we should go with Mike Murphy's longtime suggestion to make Woody the closer? Yeah, but I think, first, he needs to become an alky, then get traded to Oakland, then go thru rehab, then somehow we have to get him back. I don't think we can do all that in three weeks. Besides, Glendon Rusch's 15 minutes are just....about....up.....right.....now.

I would really like to see them give Francis Beltran a chance. Not just because I have an inordinate amount of man love for anyone with that last name. He has the stuff, he seems to be a good guy....all he needs now is the Baptism by Fire. Two of our guys have proven to be mental midgets, and two of the others just don't scare nobody with their cream-puff lefty shit.

To me, Beltran IS the closer of the future, and in case you need to be reminded, again, the future is NOW.

Friday, June 4

6/04/2004 02:04:00 PM by Rob

Japanese butter dogs

While I sit here holding my breath, waiting to see if Today's Mark Prior is going to be the Savior or the Greek Tendon Tragedy:

Let's talk about the Japanese Butter Dogs. Seems that bestiality videos are, strangely enough, more accepted in Nippon than they are here.

The "butter dogs" are so named, because there is a whole genre of Japan porn where butter is strategically placed near a woman's "fertile crescent", and then the hounds are unleashed...while the American porn industry is racked with concern over HIV, their Japanese counterparts are worried about how FAT their butter dogs are getting. So the porn samurai are substituting lower-fat foodstuffs, like yogurt, which the dogs accept just as readily.

There's a Ron Jeremy joke in here somewhere.

All porn tends to have a degrading aspect to it: facials, ATMs, etc. But Japanese porn really stresses the degradation, making it the central aspect in the object. Bukkake is supposedly brought down from feudal times (which, in Japan, was anytime before 1850) to mimic a common punishment for adulterous women. These harlots were supposedly tied up in the town square, and all the menfolk in town would line up to bust a nut in her face. The theory was, if one man isn't good enough for her, then what the hell, let everyone have their turn, and get it out of the way.

The whole butter dog thing seems just as degrading, if not worse. There is a real caste system working there: everyone is born to a numbered level of respectability. First class citizens, second class citizens...and I can't imagine which number the Japanese porn sluts lie in: thirty-fourth?

What does this have to do with the Cubs? Not much, unless it helps to explain what Derrek Lee's father, the Cubs' Pacific Rim (?) Scouting coordinator, Leon Lee, was doing when he waved his huang in some chick's face...was it in Japan, or back here?

You can see the difference it makes.

6/04/2004 10:19:00 AM by Rob

This week's poll

Well, if this were "Millionaire", and I was asking the audience, I would just be fucked, wouldn't I?

Absolutely no clear cut winner on what is going to happen on the future of left field. The last-place entrant is "signing a middling free agent, a Reggie Sanders-esque figure", which is precisely what actually DOES happen throughout Cub history. The signing of Alou, himself, is one of the 2 or 3 biggest Cub free agent splashes ever. At the time, he was coming off of some big AssTroll years.

Left field is an important position, usually one of the major offensive positions, especially in the NL. It is the last place to try to hide someone who is, um, defensively challenged. You have the DH in the American League, and LF is the closest NL equivalent. Well, that, and first base, but we have the Great Derrek Lee holding that down.

And, BTW, I'm not going to rant about DLee. He is doing PRECISELY what I thought he would. Have a big game every now and then, save several errors, and in the end, his "fantasy stats" won't be bad. But he has never been an impact player. I never was a Choi fan, and I am similarly bolstered by his low average stint in F-L-A.

It's time to start trading, boys. The offense is not pennant-winning caliber. It isn't early anymore, the return of Gonzalez and Grudzelanek isn't going to mean much, and even Sosa himself isn't enough to turn this around. It's time for the end of Baker's Dozen, it's time to get some hitters in here to help Alou, Ramirez, and (gulp) Hollandsworth?

It's time to make some decisions about the glut of street-legal fish swimming around the AAA-back of the ML bullpen pier. And if your decisions include preserving the status quo at closer, in the name of Joe-Blow Borowski, you better get some last-of-the-ninth thunder to bail us out of the games that this Sopranos character blows for us.

I never thought I would write this, and I'm NOT saying this is the answer, but how badly DID Kenny Lofton torch the bridges? Would some nails, KILZ, and Bondo fix the thing up to where its presentable enough to hold weight?

Wednesday, June 2

6/02/2004 07:45:00 PM by Rob

Computer problems

GRAVES-HUME PUBLIC LIBRARY, CORN HOLE, IL - Rob Letterly, also known by his nom deguerre "The Uncouth Sloth", has been beset by computer problems since early Tuesday morning. Thus, his eponymous award-winning weblog is on temporary hiatus.

"Who gives a fuck," explained Letterly. "The God-damned lightweight Cubs are just fucking throwing it all away. I should be up and going by Friday, and by then it will be Happy Mark Prior Day. I just hope that he is the messiah that everyone is building him up to be, because at this point in time, we need a god."

No truth to the rumor that Sloth's fingers were broken by Steve Klein.

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