6/07/2004 09:51:00 AM by Rob

NOTE: Just added: the More Age Appropriate Sloth All-Majestic Five - for those of you completely whacked out about me lusting after 18 year olds...

It's about time

I've been saying all along that this is the year that Reg'lar Joe pays his debt to the devil for his career resurrection of 2002-3. Actually, it was more like an emergence than a resurrection, because in order to resurrect, he would have had to have a career to start with, which he really didn't.

So, now, in a face-saving move, they have placed him on the DL - there's got to be SOMETHING wrong with Joe! - so it then becomes easier for Dusty to use someone else as the closer. When Dusty pulled Joe out of the game on Friday, he had officially Lost His Faith in Borowski. He makes too much money for the Cubs to cut him, and rather than send him to Iowa, which perhaps they cannot do without his permission, he is now on the chillin' list.

This is a good thing, people, for it forces Dusty to conduct the search for the new closer, which we are going to need if we are to make any kind of run at it when Wood and Sosa come back.

Based on his reputation, his contract, and his current stats, LaTroy Hawkins becomes the initial closer du Jour. Except that he had trouble yesterday. And he blew a save last Friday. And he blew another save earlier this year. And he blew all sorts of saves in Minnesota, to the point that they had to employ Every Day Eddie Guardado to be the closer.

Hawkins is little more than the Black Captain Tightpants. A converted starter with lethal stuff, who will get you all the outs you need in the 7th and 8th innings, but who shit down their leggings in the ninth. If he makes The Leap, then fine. So far, there has been little evidence to suggest that he will.

Remlinger or Mercker? Both have the mileage, the mental makeup necessary. But neither have the stuff, man. God bless 'em both, but their physical limitations make even JoeBlow look like a Bally Health Club model.

Hey, maybe we should go with Mike Murphy's longtime suggestion to make Woody the closer? Yeah, but I think, first, he needs to become an alky, then get traded to Oakland, then go thru rehab, then somehow we have to get him back. I don't think we can do all that in three weeks. Besides, Glendon Rusch's 15 minutes are just....about....up.....right.....now.

I would really like to see them give Francis Beltran a chance. Not just because I have an inordinate amount of man love for anyone with that last name. He has the stuff, he seems to be a good guy....all he needs now is the Baptism by Fire. Two of our guys have proven to be mental midgets, and two of the others just don't scare nobody with their cream-puff lefty shit.

To me, Beltran IS the closer of the future, and in case you need to be reminded, again, the future is NOW.

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