6/08/2004 09:21:00 AM by Rob

If you don't have anything nice to say...

...don't say anything at all?

Fuck that.

First off, you may have noticed that yesterday I totally avoided the two biggest stories of the weekend, both of which involved near-historic levels of revisionist history.

First, the death of Ronald Reagan. The fact that he is beloved by so many now is a testament to the utter stupidity of the majority of the American public.

He defeated the Soviet Union? How, exactly? The theory seems to be that he basically involved them in a high-stakes game of Texas Hold 'em. Seems to me that the Soviet Union collapsed under itself, and would have done so regardless of who carried the football for the U.S.A.

The litany of mistakes made under his watch is too long and complex for me to outline here, but I blame him for the trillions we are in debt.

Basically, if you bought Dubya a boxed set of "Hooked on Phonics", and if he worked real hard, and completed all his homework...you got Ronald Reagan.

They both were in bed with 'Big Business', just that Bush's is all pretty much Oil, whereas Reagan's was more Defense Industry.

And, while we're at it...I mentioned Texas Hold 'Em. What is more OVER-RATED than watch a bunch of crooks play cards? Jeezus, the same mopes that 5 years ago were puffing expensive cigars and sipping single-malt scotches, are now poker afficinados? We've glorified nearly everything about the lamest of male rituals, "poker night". We've glorified smoke, drink, and now the cards themselves. What's next? Competitive Chip-Dipping?

Next, Smarty Jones. Give me a fat fucking break. First of all, horseracing? Who cares? If a human being wants to allow himself to be exploited in the name of sport, fine. The horse doesn't have a choice, I figure.

But the point is, before the Kentucky Derby, Smarty Jones was NOT one of the favorites. But he won, and the Preakness, too, and just like the last six horses since 1997 who have won the first two races, imbecile writers in ill-fitting suits have lined up to tell the world how THIS is the horse that was BORN to win the Triple Crown. Uh, if that was the case, then why wasn't there more buzz surrounding him a mere six weeks ago, BEFORE the Derby?

Give some of us SOME credit for having a memory, huh? God Dammit, I hate it when people like that insult my intelligence.

Which now brings me to Dusty Baker. He may have a reputation, and he may have some kind of clubhouse presence, and he takes pressure away from his players, and all of that is important.

He may not have a choice when he effectively names LaTroy Hawkins as his new closer, since Hendry hasn't provided him with any alternative. (Or maybe this is all part of a larger Machievellian plan to force Hendry to act...) But it is painfully obvious that Hawkins is not the man for the job. When he makes a pre-emptive strike by declaring himself off-limits to post-game second guessing...fucking numbskull.

He's a set-up man, no more, no less. Let's let Tiggers do what they do best.

We will leave Dusty lie today in the area of offensive strategy, or lack thereof. (No walks, no 3-ball counts?) He also has his hands tied when it comes to Corey Patterson. Certainly CPat needs to be demoted immediately. But that's hard with all the injuries. If and when we get back Grud, Sosa, and Gonzalez, we can relieve ourselves of any dependency on Rey Ordonez, Dave Kelton, etc., and give CPat the Time Out he so desperately needs.

No, I'm kicking Dusty's ass today for the festering little boil that is Waving Wendell Kim.

Simply put, just WHATTHEFUCK does Kim do for us? Certainly his forte is NOT traffic control at third. What does he actually do? Does he conduct a stellar infield practice during BP? Is he the world's foremost sliding instructor? Or does Dusty have some sort of unknown degenerative back problem, and if so, does Kim wipe his ass?

We'd be better off just leaving the third base coaches' box EMPTY! Maybe sell some advertising there...maybe install a nice plasma monitor for scrolling out-of-town scoreboards.

I mean, 200 foot pop-up + Jim Edmonds + Ramirez on deck = Sending Macias home?

This loss hurts because it's the Deadbirds, sure. But Carpenter pitched lights out, and this just seemed like this was their game, which would be acceptable, I guess, except when you consider that we blew four games to the Pirates in the last 10 days that we should have won. You have to make up for that somewhere, by winning games you weren't meant to. So every loss is crucial.

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