The Uncouth Sloth - born 2002, died 2006. R.I.P.

9/30/2005 02:09:00 PM by Rob

Illinois High School Football!! (teeny tiny school division)

For them in my neck of the woods, the big barndance is tomorrow afternoon, with Braidwood Reed-Custer taking on Noted Nuisance Wilmington. Both are 4-1 and tied for I-8 honors, and with Coal City laying the wood to Momence 2night, and Plano enjoying a uncontrolled scrimmage in Dwight, the loser must give up any conference champeenship hopes. RC is pulling out ALL the stops, including a tribute to the 1985 state champion baseball team, including former players Brian DuBois (Tigers) and Les Norman (Royals). This will probably be the game of the year in the I-8 for sheer drama.

Morris naturally will leave George Dergo in for another 17 touchdowns tonight. Hey, Derg, it's real tough to run when you got five juiced-up freaks whose Dads conveniently got jobs at the Costco terminal in the offseason...the same terminal owned by several degenerate boosters in a blind trust, the same blind trust that also owns the porn shop and the massage parlor...? Shit, all we got in Coal City is D-Construction and Cardinal Transport, not that we ever...

...what? We have two transfers starting on the line? OK, I'll shut up.

Over in Corn Hole, our boys are girding their loins to do battle with the Rochelle Hubs, who are going to be in a real FINE mood after losing three straight games. At 2-3, needing three more wins in the next four games to make the playoffs, and ending the year at Geneseo...it is safe to say that the Trojans AREN'T gonna be overlooked tonight. Hall has to go all the way to Kewanee to whip their butts, and Rock Falls has to go all the way to Princeton to get THEIR butts whipped. And they can't even count on a nice post-game meal at the Culver's there, since it is the WORST Culver's I have EVER been to, even outdistancing the Morris Culver's, which sucks fat dog dick.

Who is JCA playing THIS week, CT? The girls team from Maryville, who have the added pressure that if they lose, they'll get raped by the counselors? Guess them counselors are ensuring that they won't get to enter the priesthood. After all, the church looks down on the assault of young girls. Anyway, whoever it is, take JCA and the 47 points.

Put on yer sweaters tonight, kids, and enjoy some exciting Friday Night pigskin ack-ack-ack-tion.

9/30/2005 11:30:00 AM by Rob

On the prompting of CubbieblueStew

...I am registered as an independent. In 2000, I voted in the Republican primary for McCain. In 2004, I voted in the Democratic primary for Edwards. Other primary votes went to John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Bob Dole. You can see my long track record for backing up success stories.

9/30/2005 08:48:00 AM by Rob

The role of the human spirit

I read this on my coffee cup this morning, and it along with the caffeine got me thinking:

...seemingly, noone is disturbed by the extinction of nature, but politicians assure us that nature is important, for tourism purposes. Any spiritual discussions instantly bore the American public, but if we could just reconnect to nature, the use of anti-depressant medicines would go down by two-thirds...

If you've been here more than once, you know that I discuss the role of spirituality in sports. Why? Because I truly feel that intangibles such as chemistry and leadership mean more to winning than sheer physical talent. Most folks can't or won't grasp the role of the human spirit, and instead they plug their numbers into their spreadsheets, because that's what holds THEIR attention. But when they're doing their measurements, are they measuring pure physical ability, or could they also be measuring a guy's heart?

If yer still not convinced, take it away from the realm of sport. In ANY social group that you're a part of, be it your family, or your department at work, or the guys at the bar, or even the band parents from Northbrook Middle School. In every group, isn't there at least one person who is the "go-to" person, the one who just seems to "get it"? Well, have you ever wondered what it takes to be this person?

There's basically two components: the first, which I lack myself, is intrinsic intelligence. This isn't scoring 30 on yer ACT's, this is "savvy", "street smarts", "common sense", whatever you want to call it. And, hand-in-hand with this, is an understanding of the human spirit, knowing exactly where we stand in the big picture. These people have a connection with nature: they understand the importance of a clean, quiet running stream in a lush green field. They understand that petting a dog for a half an hour is relaxing, and good for both of them. They know why a four year old child asks why over and over again, and they never make the child feel bad for asking.

Spirituality bores most of this microwave generation, which scares the dogfuck out of me, because when we're old and gray, and not strong enough anymore to take things for ourselves, we're gonna have to rely on the Kindness of These Soulless Chat-room-Zombies to take care of us???

Anyway, my contention always has been that the most successful people, the most successful groups, have a connection to the spirit, to nature. The connection was never as prevalent as it was yesterday, when the "other" team in town won their division after six long months of baseball.

You all remember 2003, when 'our' team won? What happened? Well, one hundred fifty thousand people all congregated in the four block area surrounding the park, and basically didn't go home until, well, the end of Game 7 against the fish.

What happened last night? The news teams literally went to the heart of Bridgeport: Jimbo's, and the Grandstand sports store. Jimbo's has, like, fifteen barstools at their bar. Five were being used by these mopes, yelling their lungs out. At Grandstand's, there were five other mopes, yelling and buying the store out. There was plenty of room to work around; there was no pushing, no jostling, there was NO crowd...it was like one person clapping with one hand in an empty national park.

Why is that? I think it all stems back to three guys, who worked for our team, who understood to some extent the connection between nature and the human spirit: Bill Veeck, Jr., P. K. Wrigley, and John McDonough. For it was Veeck who planted the ivy; it was Wrigley who lovingly maintained the park, and resisted all attempts to install the lights that every other park had; and McDonough has had the good sense not to fuck with any of it that was given to him. So, there it stands, 90 years after it was built, the Great Cathedral of Ball. Made of bricks pressed from the red Chicago clay, which naturally sets off the dirt of the infield, the lushest green grass in the league, and of course, the famous ivy that seems to surround all, which is one of the 5 most recognizable walls in the world, along with the Wailing Wall, the Great Wall, the Green Monster, and the defunct Berlin Wall.

Now, I'm NOT saying these men are saints. Veeck planted the ivy to attract people to the park, to make money. Wrigley couldn't build a ballclub in a million years, but he knew that maintaining the "plant" that the "product" was being made in cost less in the long run, whether it be chewing gum or baseball games. And McDonough, he's the biggest marketing whore in the world, but a damn good one.

But we're talking about the White Sox' problem today, and their problem seems to be that they do everything the OPPOSITE of how the Cubs do it, either out of spite born from the natural tendency for all South Siders to feel defensive and inferior to their brethren to the north, or just due to poor, shortsighted management. When the team up north wore the same uniform for 50 years, the Sox changed theirs on a routine basis. While the Cubs were on Channel 9 daily in the sunshine, the Sox would play at dark, on some weak signal, or some cable station that nobody had.

When the team up north signed big, friendly, splashy longball hitters, the Sox would sign a bunch of belligerent gnats who would run around all over the place. When the team up north played in their ancient shrine, and while teams all over the rest of the league blantantly copied the Wrigley blueprint, the Sox built their sterile baseball mall. You ask any so-called Sox fan, executive, nearly anyone connected to the team (except the paid mercenaries who actually wear the uniforms and play the games) and they'll demonstrate that their primary motivation is to react AGAINST the Way of the Cub.

None of this, mind you, has anything to do with WINNING. The Sox have won more games than my team in my lifetime, count it. An inarguable fact. But how else do you explain the fact that there are five times as many Cub fans as Sox fans, and why is our fandom so, well, blind and unconditionally accepting? All the decisions our management has made over the past fifty years has HELPED build more fans, and conversely, their fan base has dwindled. Why is that, the Baltimore Sun asked me earlier this year?

The tug on our hearts is stronger, because it comes from a basic understanding of human nature and a spiritual connection to the natural world, more so than the other guys. Five guys in Jimbo's? Just...pathetic.

Thursday, September 29

9/29/2005 08:30:00 AM by Rob

Redesign

What has been most depressing about the baseball season that just was, is that unlike, say, 1999, when the team had seven holes to fill, this year we had just a couple. We needed a leadoff man, a power hitting left fielder, and someone to fill out the lineup card correctly, and manage the bullpen.

That's 3 holes, which in Cub history, is relatively good. It makes it EZ enough for people such as myself to come up with reasonable, feasible answers to the questions, and I spent the whole year wondering WHY in the name of our sweet bleedin' Lord couldn't Hendry figure it out, too?

Well, fuck him, fuck them, and fuck everything Cubby blue.

This site will for the immediate future concern itself primarily on University of Illinois basketball, some Illinois high school football, my tendency not to suffer fools kindly, and who I saw on the telly box that makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom with a big jar of vaseline. Like little Adrienne Lima here, who has been on the back of the magazine that has been sitting in my upstairs bathroom for three days, her and her shiny Maybelline lip gloss.

Keep comin' back, because when they finally decide to fire the tax-cheatin' stoner, we're gonna roar back with a vengeance...

Wednesday, September 28

9/28/2005 04:05:00 PM by Rob

This is why we suck

Bases loaded, nobody out, bottom on ninth, down one run.

This is who the Great Dusty Baker sends to the plate:

Corey Patterson - K
Ben Grieve - K
Jose Macias - popped out

Anyone, ANYONE, ANY-ONE, would have done better than those exact three people, none of them deserving of a roster spot, none of them that ought to be in next year's picture.

Dusty Baker is too stupid to manage a baseball team. He should NOT return.

I will NOT follow another game, ever, until he is relieved of his duties.

Thus ENDETH my Cubs writing until then.

Hope you like pictures of girls, and bitching about our president.

9/28/2005 10:22:00 AM by Rob

An Open Letter to Yahoo! Personals

Dear Yahoo!,

I would first like to thank you for helping me in my own lovelife. In the interests of full disclosure, I posted a personals ad out with you five years ago, and in one day, I received 27 e-mails. Out of the pack, I contacted the one that stood out, and she today is Mrs. Sloth. We couldn't be more pleased with the way things turned out for us.

But that was before you started advertising your services with pictures of "actual Yahoo! Personals users", like Missy to my left, here. As you will note, she is listed as hailing from Watertown, NY, an actual place. I drove through there this summer. I didn't see Missy, though, darnit. For you will also note, that Missy is quite an handsome lass. I suspect that if she worked in, say, a steno pool, she would be the hottest chick in said steno pool.

I tried to access her ad, but the Fun Filter here at work would not let me get onto Yahoo! Personals. But here's my problem. Many, many thousands of lonely, horny, sex-crazed men are on their computers, as I speak, and I suspect a good portion of them are currently in the process of finding the supposedly authentic ad for young Missy right now!

Yahoo! Personals are very effective in eliciting responses; please note, above, that I whined at length about being a nearly broke 36 year old, two-time loser, with custody of two adolescent boys, and I didn't even DARE to post a picture of my bad self, and I got TWENTY-SEVEN hits in one night!!! Of course, 26 of the women who responded couldn't or wouldn't grasp the meaning of my ad, because they wanted everything from a clubbing partner, to a sugar daddy willing to wrestle her and her four kids out of their trailer lifestyle.

But, Good God, how many fucking hits must Missy get, every minute of every day, 24/7/365??? I'd write her myself, just for shits and grins!

I suspect very strongly that Missy is in fact NOT out there to be had by the most worthy suitor, that Missy, if that be her real name...is simply an atrractive young woman who makes a living smiling at cameras, and if I looked real hard, I might also find her leaning against a wall for a paneling company, or draped across a car for an auto wax company. But I think the Ol' Bait-and-Switch may be in order, here, and when it is all said and done, and our intrepid love-seekers make the proper contacts, and they drive to meet their cyber-date halfway for pizza, this is what will await most of our readers:

Many of my readers know more about the backs of the 1972 Topps series of baseball cards than they do about meeting women, so, please, Yahoo!, for their sake, please discontinue the use of misleading ads.

Thank you in advance,

The Uncouth Sloth
Purveyor of Fine Filth since 2002

Tuesday, September 27

9/27/2005 03:42:00 PM by Rob

I am so fucking happy!

The Holy Grail of bad obscure 80's songs, found!!

Remember a few months ago, when I asked for some help on what I thought was two bad obscure 80's songs? I got some leads from y'all, but they weren't quite what I wanted.

It turns out the first "song" I asked about, "I'm Alive (No Turning Back)" was actually two songs, by the same band, The Sherbs. I don't remember where the word "sherb" finally hit me, but then I remembered that I actually once owned both Sherbs LPs. They were an Aussie band that I first heard watching preacher's son/pothead/budding anarchist Gliddy spark one up in his bedroom.

OK, that solved, I have continued the search for "I'm Leaving", which is the title for at least 534 Blues songs that kept coming up as I was ~~stealing~~ downloading from LimeWire.

Well, my quest......is over!!

The completely obscure (unknown to me) 80's band "Taxxi" did the version of "I'm Leaving" with such great lyrics as "...my clothes in a bag, dead muscles sag, I've come to the end of my stay...". OK, that sucks, but GODDAMN, don't YOU remember what was playing when YOU got YOUR first Hoover???

And, as a bonus, the same source also kicked in with "No Time To Lose" by the great Tarney Spencer Band. HOT Damn!! I can still smell the cheap Avon Firefox perfume now, embedding itself in the fabric of the back seat of my folks' '79 Impala. Along with the pungent aroma of my ball sweat, but I digress...

Thank you, Amazon, thank you, William J. Eichelberger, Aging 80's Icon, and thank you, Taxxi and Tarney Spencer Band, for pulling my ass through puberty!

9/27/2005 11:54:00 AM by Rob

It is wrong to lust after "Ruthie" on 7th Heaven.

First of all, for those of you who are NOT gay, Ruthie has been on the show since she was in kindergarten. How the Camdens managed to have a Jewish-looking child is beyond me, but hey, nobody thought that far ahead, I'm sure. Now, she's 17, but about 4 foot ten, and all she does is pout, but since she's so short, the tiny bit of boobage she DOES have looks real good on her, and...

Never mind, forget I said anything.

I said, forget it...

...by the way, this AIN'T Ruthie. This is Sophia Bush, of whom I've spoke before. The star of WB's "One Tree Hill" is divorcing her co-star, Chad-Michael something, after five blissful months of marriage. Why in the fuck do these people even get up in the morning? It takes a LOT of mental fortitude to stick it out for 22 weeks...I mean, shit, you can go 22 weeks without even experiencing many of the things that make married life great, like, getting yelled at for pee-ing on the toilet seat.

Anyway, she's free, which I guess is The Necessary First Step for her to, I dunno, sleep with one of us. The Necessary Second, Third, and Fourth Steps, of course, I wouldn't know nothing about.

I TOLD you all the cheezcake was going to be kind of scarce for awhile, what with Mrs. Sloth and Mom of Sloth frequently checking me out. Hopefully they'll find other more interesting sites on cruises, nice smelling candles, and jokes about men who pee on toilet seats.

Anyway, in case you forgot, my high school football rantings can be found on the NISB. Thoughtful, useful Cub analysis usually goes on the GROTA site, and whatever else that is swirling around in my brain basin gets pinched out in here.

Notice I reverse-reversed myself yesterday? I took the mea culpa for the Sox' three-game win streak, and then they got beat by Le Tigres? So what happens today? I guess I should praise them to the heavens for their pitching, small-ball and other intangibles, and secretly hope they lose. But you CAN'T fool Karma, it knows when you are being facetious, it knows when you're trying to finesse fate. It won't let you.

Anyway, my fearless prediction for today, is that the Cubs split with the Battlin' Buccos, and go into Houston 2 under .500, where they have spent the last six weeks. Maddux wins his, and the offense supports Prior in their usual and customary way, with a measly run on 4 hits.

Monday, September 26

9/26/2005 10:44:00 AM by Rob

Reverse Karma

Reverse Karma done kicked my ass this weekend.

I went out of my way to lick Fat Roger's ass, and he pulls out of Saturday's game.

I said the Sux were on fire and dive-bombing into oblivion, and they win three in a row.

I said the Bears were improved, and Kyle Orton hears a Who?

The only thing I have said that was RIGHT the last couple of weeks was the fact that the Cubs are STILL two games below .500. What is the moral to this story, kids? Yes, stick to what you know, and shut yer yap about shit that you don't.

Wait until next year.

In my mind, the most pivotal question of this offseason pertains to Nomar Garciaparra, former First Ballot Hall-of-Famer. The choices read off like a psychotic multiple-choice question from the SAT from Hell:

1) Cut your losses with him. He's only hitting well in a desperate effort to build free-agent value.

2) He's finally healthy, but who knows how long THIS will last? Don't be fooled again.

3) He's finally healthy, and he deserves another shot at shortstop next year, if he'll agree to another one-year deal with incentives. Let Cedeno play second.

4) He not only hits, but hits for power, and his problems are behind him. He hits well enough to hold down a corner outfield position. Ask him to play left next year, Cedeno can play short, Neifi (ugh!) can play second, and Murton can be the fourth outfielder.

5) See if he'll play second.

6 thru infinity) Ask your own question about Nomar.

The key acquisition this winter will be finding a true leadoff man/table setter/run scorer. But as with last year and SamMe, the Nomar question will be the deciding factor on the direction Hendry takes.

Once again, go out in your backyards, and bury a St. Joseph statue, along with a half-dozen Krispy Kremes, and pray for a miracle, that Hendry makes the right moves this off season.

Friday, September 23

9/23/2005 03:26:00 PM by Rob

Fat Roger

I have to answer Thorn, and to elaborate on the comment I left.

I don't think I am going to forget anyone, but my apologies if I do.

Fat Roger Clemens had a couple of bad years at the end of his run with Boston. He was Dominant for five years with them, a couple with Toronto, a few with the Yankees, and the rest with Houston. Not just good, not just great, but Dominant.

He was Dominant, longer, than the Big Unit.
Longer than Bob Gibson, Fergie Jenkins, or Steve Carlton.
Longer than Sandy Koufax, Catfish Hunter or Jim Palmer.
Longer than Don Drysdale, longer than Pedro Martinez.
He is what Kerry Wood was supposed to be. He's Nolan Ryan, but he wins a lot more games, and had far better control.

You stack him next to Tom Seaver, I'll take Fat Roger.
You stack him next to Don Sutton, Gaylord Perry, or Jim Bunning, I'll take Fat Roger.
You stack him next to Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, or, yes, Greg Maddux, I'll have to take the Fat man.

Maybe there were individual years, like Gibson's '68, Carlton's '72, Koufax's '63 thru '65, that exceeded anything Clemens had done. Except that, no, his '86, '90, and '01 were pretty damn special, too.

You have to go back to the Warren Spahns and Bob Fellers and Whitey Fords to match brilliance with this guy.

If you can go back above, and disagree with me on any of the above assertions I made, I might have to argue that you and me are watching a different game, and that you and me aren't going to share a pizza and a pitcher anytime soon.

Even if his kid is a drooling trogg that thinks Daddy still pitches for the Yankees.

9/23/2005 09:12:00 AM by Rob

There's gonna be an Apocalypse...

Just not in the part of town we all thought it would take place in

Oh..my..God!

This is turning out to be WAY better than I could have dreamed. The entire Sux ship is listing and sinking like a rock. Ozzie Montana is talking retirement, A.J. Peeholeski is rippin' on everyone, Kenny Williams is publicly upset...so imagine what things are like behind closed doors. He's probably called everyone from Ozzie to Greg Walker to Juan Urine "pussies" and "cun*s" and "faggots"...

You just know Carl Everett is stomping around the clubhouse, incoherently muttering stuff about "flat earth" and "no dinosaurs", and looking for young black children to beat. Hawk probably has DJ held at gunpoint somewhere, for no other reason than that he thought it was the right thing to do.

All this, along with improved Bears, Hawks, and Bulls teams, and pretty much us Cub fans can look forward to a relatively shit-free winter. Not that we deserve it, for rooting for a team like this, run by management like the management we have, where all we have to look forward to at this date is a) whether or not Matt Murton, a Carrot Top-lookalike, is going to get to play, and b) whether Greg Maddux can add to a completely arbitrarily-derived streak.

Don't get me wrong, I love Mad Dog with every fiber of my being, including my pee pee. Along with Carlos the Z, he has been our most consistent pitcher the past two years, and I don't mind the rotation being juggled to get him one more start because that gives us a better chance to win one more game. And it certainly IS an unprecedented achievement, the 15 wins over the past 17 years, maybe 18...

...but just like Mark Grace's "most hits of the 90's", isn't this an achievement of "sustained goodness" rather than "greatness"? 15 wins is a good year, not a great year. Greg is a Great pitcher, who has had some Great years. In some ways, this 'streak' is actually selling him short. It reminds me of another Cub call up of the mid-80s, B-12 Raffy. Doesn't he have some streak of, like, 13 years of 30+ homers, which nobody has ever done? Does that make him the all-time homer champ? Does that make him a Great home-run hitter? Nah, it demonstrates sustained 'goodness'. The Hall of Fame of Really, Really Good. The Almost Great.

Greg Maddux will be remembered, in the end, as Great, the guy with four Cy Youngs, the guy who posted a two year stretch with an ERA under 2 in a time when offense was at an all-time high. He will be remembered for his 300+ wins, his 3,000 whiffs with under 1,000 walks. He can come or go as he pleases. He is above the law at this point. If Sammy Sosa was granted such privileges, he'd have every Cubs home game moved near his home in Miami. But Greg just wants to be one of the guys. He's Great.

Speaking of Great, Big Z versus Fat Roger on Saturday. For a Cubs team out of the picture in late September, this is as good of a matchup as you could hope for.

Thursday, September 22

9/22/2005 01:30:00 PM by Rob

The Grand All-Majestic Five is done!

I do not care to comment about the Choking Dogs on the South Side, nor the Puking Dogs on the North.

Today I wish to announce two additions to the Sloth internet empire:

First, on the left, you will notice that the Grand All-Majestic Five has a permanent home. I could have done this all along, but its not often that enough blood drains out of my dick, and into my head, for me to be able to think about it deeply.

Next, you will also note the link to something called the NISB, or the Northern Illinois Sports Beat. The city and suburban High Schools in Illinois are covered by the big city dailies, and this kid, Cody a/k/a #35, is doing something to spread some love for the North Central region, the eight-one-five as I call it. I'm going to help him out.

First thing, is get him to change his color schemes...eech!

Wednesday, September 21

9/21/2005 08:43:00 AM by Rob

This is ALL you need to know...

...about the 2005 season.

Down 4-2, Corey Patterson (of all people) gets a double to lead off the seventh. Barrett walks, and although he was trying to bunt, Ryan Theriot walks on four straight balls. So that's bases juiced, no outs, top of your order up.

The first ball thrown to Neifi Perez is a ball. Now, any of you who even played a year of little league, what do YOU do next?

Well, Neifi SWUNG at the next pitch, which was six inches inside, it shattered his bat, and they got the force at the plate.

Bases loaded, one out, and you're Mr. Fundamentals, Mr. All About the Team. What do YOU do?

Well, Walker SWUNG at the first pitch, and popped it up just behind the infield.

Bases loaded, two outs, and you're Mr. MVP, all you need is a base hit, and considering you've already struck out THREE times today (against a lefty, no less?), aren't you trying just to make contact?

Well, Lee struck out again, trying to smack the ball off of the roof. No runs, three left on. Cubs go on to lose by two.

Whose fault is this? Well, certainly the players all took a brain vacation that inning. It also could be construed to be Dusty's fault for 1) continually running Neifi out there, like he was a Great player, when he does so many things wrong at the plate, and 2) not taking Lee out of there sooner, when it was clear that SOMETHING was bothering him last night. Could you also blame the so-called Hitting Coach, Gene Clines, or the former hitting coach, Sarge, Senior? After all, what IS their purpose in life? To remind the hitters of their approach at the plate?

The Cubs just suck, and after I asserted a few weeks ago that the Cubs should keep Walker (and so many of you disagreed), I've been watching him closely.

I was wrong, you are right, he isn't worth the money it will take to resign him, especially when you consider that possibly Ronny Cedeno is ready to take the spot.

Tuesday, September 20

9/20/2005 04:03:00 PM by Rob

As with the Cubs' season....

...the Cub Blog Army stormed into 2005 on an all-time high!!

However, on a cursory pass through my links on the left, I noticed we've suffered a whole pagefull of casulties. Oh well, RIP, boys. If you can't run with the big boys, stay in the playpen. It's fucking TUFF thinking of something to write on a consistent basis.

Everyone remaining seems to have done SOMETHING in the past month.

CALL for websites: if yours seems to be a glaring omission on the left hand side, please e-mail me at ribeyerob@yahoo.com, and I'll get yer butt out there. Linking is Loving, my friends.

Let's all hope and pray that we fucking kill Doug Davis once and for all tonight. Maybe slap a liner off the side of his cap. Mahalo.

9/20/2005 09:26:00 AM by Rob

WWYD, Part III

Mustang Ranch Game

Today's topic is the Mustang Ranch Game, in which you, the contestant, must put yourself in the following situation: You're a regular customer at the Mustang Ranch, since you lack for feminine companionship. (Shouldn't be too hard for some of us). Every time you come, this is who is sitting in the parlor, waiting for your call. So, out of 100 visits to the Ranch, how many times do you choose to take the following upstairs? Unfortunately, house rules prohibit two-fers, etc.

We'll do the first one together, shall we?

OK, out of 100 trips to the house, I would bring Miranda up 90 times, for a rating of 90%. I would do Sam 7 times, for 7%, Charlotte 3%, and Carrie gets to sit her shoe-buying ass on the settee, for 0%

Got it? Good. Let's do some others, shall we?

Rachel 98%
Phoebe 2%
Monica 0%

Valerie 83%
Kelly 14%
Donna 0%
Brenda 3%
Steve 0% (but thanks for playing, anyway)

Cady 45%
Regina 25%
Gretchen 20%
Karen 10% (gotta try them psychic tits that can predict rain)

Paris 0%
Nicole 0%
The rat dog 100%

Donna 92%
Jackie 7%
Fez 1%

Sorry, Topher. I know you want me. Yer not my type.

And, finally,

Mad Dog 0%
Prior 0%
Z 0%
Kerrie Wood 100%

Monday, September 19

9/19/2005 01:59:00 PM by Rob

The Uncouth Sloth Monday Morning Quarterback

With apologies to Peter King, these are ten thoughts I think I think...

1) The Chicago Bears are not as bad as they were in week one, nor are they as good as they were yesterday. The Lions are dun, and I think the Packers have held on to Lil' Abner a year or two too long. The Vikes have too much talent to suck this hard. I still think they win the division. The Bears may have something to say about it, though.

2) It seems like the Cubs have been two games under .500 for a month, now. If Dusty is going to goose us on the high side of the mediocre line, he better get after it. Playing Corey Patterson, I don't care HOW many doubles he hits, is pointless and useless. Let's see how we do the last week or two with players actually IN next year's blueprint. Unless.....christ, they're gonna offer Corey a contract for next year? Jeezus.

3) Coffeenerdness: Starbucks - over-rated! Clap-Clap ClapClapClap! For half the price, them camel jockeys down at Dunkin' do it right. I don'need no fancy-ass barrista to change the grounds and pour the water.

4) The Trojans played one great half of football, and one piss-poor half. Their opponents played one bad half and one stellar half. The Houghton-Mifflin book of Football Algebra states that:

bad + stellar > great + piss poor

Anyway, if you are a coach, administrator, or anyone otherwise associated with Trojan football, please let me know and I will provide, free of charge, the starting 22 best suited to the personnel we have at hand. And yes, I'm taking MY kid off of the defense. You're very welcome.

5) Lacrosse - sorry, I don't have a daughter named Mary Beth and even if I did, nobody plays lacrosse in Illinois. I do have a son who plays Pop Warner football, and they got beated fair-n-square by them kids from Hall in the red shirts. To differentiate them from their brain-damaged parents in the red shirts. Anyway, yes, we got beat, but at a somewhat crucial juncture of the game, one of our kids sacked their QB on a fourth-and-long, and upon getting to his feet, did a brief fist pump. That coaxed the yellow laundry out of the ref's pocket, which gave them 15 yards and a re-do, and yep, they ended up with a first down and eventually flogged it in there for another six.

Just foreshadowing for the October 7th deal down at Hall. That's why me and the missus are going to drive up north that weekend. My heart ain't cut out for any fuckin' outside of my marriage bond. Especially not no butt-fuckin' at the hands of a garlic-eater in a striped shirt.

6) First, always ask a choking victim if he can talk. If he can, DO NOT INTERFERE! Since I can still hear Ozzy Montana talking about having fung, I guess I will NOT interfere.

7) I just wanted to see Dusty Baker go after Cris Carpenter. I just wanted to see Dusty do SOMETHING, anything, to earn his $4 mill.

8) The new fall shows are coming out in the next week or two. CAN'T WAIT!! Anything, just to somehow, someway, force a conclusion to "Rock Star - INXS". Hasn't that show been on, five days a week, since Chad Fox was in one piece? How convoluted has THAT been? Makes "American Idol" look like a 10 second PSA.

9) WHO, just WHO is surprised, that them Nawlins hoochies with the debit cards are buying Louis Vuitton purses? Hell, I figured once them cards got issued, the Cristal would flow, but our gubbmint, in a rare fit of sense, declared alcohol off limits, along with smokes and firearms. But Air Jordans are OK.

WE give them $2,000 of free money to have a fresh start, and there they go, spending 40% of that on a handbag. Look, there has been an awful lot of finger pointing the last few weeks, an awful lot of demanding that we look at the generations of institutional neglect that has doomed the entire deep South to failure and inescapable debt.

Maybe we should put a bit more emphasis on the notion that, possibly, they did it to themselves?

All you Bush-lovers who have been calling me a tree-worshiping, left-handed liberal, I has news for ya: I hate Welfare as much as the next guy. So Shaddap!!

10) Last, but not least for the day, I have the sad news to pass along that, in the space of one weekend, my younger son showed my WIFE, my MOTHER, and my MOTHER-IN-LAW, the url for this here blog. This may seriously curtail the cheesecake.

Thanx, Mike, you afro-sheen fang-toothed horn-blowing beeyotch!

Friday, September 16

9/16/2005 04:55:00 PM by Rob

Glendon Rusch DOES own the Cardinals

And that, if for no other logical reason, is why we should keep him next year, and let him be the fifth starter. If Kerrie Wood can stay in one piece, he can be the 4th starter, and Poi Boi Williams can be flipped along with CPat, Hairston, Meat Tray and a lot of other extra baggage for somebody that can get lefties out.

I'm NOT kidding. After the World Series is over, its Garage Sale time, baybee.

9/16/2005 11:32:00 AM by Rob

Move over, Edgy Tim...Uncouth Sloth is here, and is all free!

Um, you know who you are...

OK, since the Cubs will spend the rest of the month sucking swampwater trying to catch the elusive badge of "respectability", it's HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL time, in full effect, and as usual, a lot of the big-time Illinois nut cuttin' is happening in the so-called Heritage Corridor area. This is the tag that the state has slapped on the areas surrounding the I&M Canal, and I guess the "Heritage" part concerns the fact that the Canal is, like, old. Starting closest to the city, we're talking the New Lenox areas, through Joliet, down past Morris, Ottawa, and stopping around LaSalle and Peru.

This little slice of the world takes in some perennial powerhouses both big and small. Starting in New Lenox, you have gigantic Lincoln-Way, which is now two schools, but it's the Central one in New Lenox that is the original, although both East and Central are 3-0. You have Providence Catholic, perennial 6A powerhouse that is now 7A (out of 8). You have recent state champs Lockport, doing it large in 8A. Then you hit CT's alma mater that usedta be on the Hill, the nationally renowned Joliet Catholic team, which has to be held up with any of them Odessas or Cantons or Beaver Fallses. The 82-time state champ in 5A is now doing biznass in 6A, where they'll miss out on Morris.

At times, I have been extremely close to both JCA and Morris's programs, having lived in both towns, having many friends and relatives attend both schools, etc. There certainly is an awful lot of civic pride in Joliet about JCA. They named the town "City of Champions" basically because of this. There were a few minor other reasons too, but you know. Basically, if you starred at JCA sometime along the line, doors open for you locally for the rest of your life. Jobs are always available, perks are plentiful, drinks are free, and DUIs magically disappear. People are a little nutty about JCA football.

Compared to what goes on in Morris (pop. 12,000) though, they're as level headed as a Lutheran minister at Sunday picnic.

It amuses me that "Friday Night Lights", the book and the movie, have become big hits due to the incredulity of the rest of the nation over the emphasis the townspeople place on the exploits of 17-year-old football players. People, ANYTHING they did in Odessa, Texas, they've done in Morris, IL, twice as hard. Illegal recruitment? Puh-leeze. Transfers of all-state ballplayers from South Carolina, along with jobs and homes furnished by the boosters? Bank. Death threats to refs? Just a day in the life. Who the FUCK do you think pushed the Private School Multiplier? I mean, Coal City lost in the finals last year to a Catholic school, too. But Coal City didn't threaten to sue the IHSA.

The football coach wants somebody at the newspaper fired...done. He wants a cop fired...done. He wants the taxpayer-financed recreation center closed because somebody had the temerity to complain about paying for karate classes that were supposed to be conducted by a friend of the coach, who never showed up ONCE for the 8 scheduled sessions? Done. He wants to impregnate at least one cheerleader that I know of, and two others according to rumor? Backs turn.

I mean, I love Coal City football, and I have to love Mendota football, because I'm closely related to the right tackle, and I have always respected JCA and Providence and the rest, but you want to know what my favorite day of the year is? When Morris loses their usual and customary playoff game. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the Geneseos and Rochelles and Bishop Macs, and yep, JCA, for beating Morris when it counted. The single greatest day in my sports life was the day after Thanksgiving, 1993, when Coaltown won the 2A in a year that Morris lost in the semi's. I went to the bars in Morris that night, started about 10 fights, and when the cops came at last to see who was causing all the ruckus, and saw it was me, and why, they hung their heads and drove away.

But, and I need to get back on track, I completely skipped 3A powerhouse Wilmington, who appears to be headed for yet another unbeaten regular season. They were supposed to be down, after they lost their core of ~~inbred~~ 25-year-old seniors last year. Might this be the year they finally punch it through? They won't have to deal with Addison Driscoll this year, they're Coaltown's problem now. Actually, I should be nice. It was real classy the way they supported the Coalers in the semi's last year against Quincy Notre Dame. It's harder to call them Yellowhammers anymore.

I've already mentioned 2005 disappointment Coal City (lose to Braidwood? Next time, ask yer boyfriends to play). Up the road, you got suddenly resurgent Ottawa, building steam for the regular season clash with neighboring L-P, both 3-0 so far. I may have to go to that one. Unfortunately, L-P is a 5A school, and destined to scrape the stench of Morris off of them in playoff ball. Ottawa is safely in 6A, and probably headed for a pounding at the hands of JCA in their playoff future.

Every place has their personal "trash" team that they can't stand. For us, it's Spring Valley Hall, the closest 3A competition Wilmington has. Mendota's going down there on the 9th, and I'm not gonna attend. I'm gonna walk around Door County that weekend, eating cherry pie slices and looking at country crafts with Mrs. Sloth. What? You think I wanna go down to Hall for our usual and customary fuckin' from the wop refs paid off by State Rep. Mautino with his "water" money? Last time we were there, they called Defensive Holding against us. On a field goal attempt. From the Hall side of the bleachers the "kiss my ass" chant went up. I had heard their student section was mildly embarrased at the actions of their parents.

As for us, I've already told you about the 400 yards of rushing that the kid from Corliss put up on us. No lie. Turns out our coaches had our guys playing dime coverage all night, because in the films they were watching, the split end, #2, and the tight end, #10, were getting all the yards.

Well, but, after the first few 80-yard touchdowns the kid ran off with, you'd think you'd adjust. Especially, since, #2 and #10 did not even DRESS for the game.

That's our season in a nutshell. Sure, our kids don't take it too serious, but this isn't the first time our coaches blew a game for us. They game plan pretty well, and if things go off, it's a beautiful thing. But they absolutely, COMPLETELY cannot or will not adjust during a game if need be. And, yes, our school has a press box, with a guy in it, with a two-way radio, that the coaches on the field can hear, with their headphones. We may NOT have fireworks and a covered structure for our kids to run onto the field from, like Coal City. But we do have headphones, and we do have an electric scoreboard.

Who's going to need to play ball from our area on Thanksgiving weekend? Lincoln Way Central, JCA, Morris, Wilmington.

Thursday, September 15

9/15/2005 12:36:00 PM by Rob

Bad Sportsmanship

When I went out to Yahoo! Images to search for images dealing with 'bad sportsmanship', I was hoping to find something with an overbearing fan yelling from his seat in the bleachers. But the first thing that came up, I swear to God, was THIS picture of Naomi Watts. So, WTF, it's a sign from God. Put it in there...

Anyhoo, I was away teaching End User Computing to more of the great unwashed the last few days, so I'm back, and I see that I am being branded as a bad sport because I said my kids stood around all weekend with their thumbs up they ass when they were supposed to be pass blocking. You seem like you need a few reassurances, so here ya go.

I did NOT yell once this whole weekend.

Of course, I'm not looking for a medal, especially when you hear the reason. The fact is, I never played the game, and I have been told, at times, by their coaches that it may APPEAR that they are just tiptoeing through the tulips, not hitting anybody, when really, they're "covering a zone" or "pulling out" or a handful of other football related activities. So I honestly can't tell whether or not they're doggin' it or not. So I have no right to yell.

None of this daffodil shit applies when it comes to my observation of basketball or baseball games, mind you.

But why am I even grousing? I see your point, nobody likes to play or watch a game with the overbearing parent whose mouth is going a mile a minute. But when somebody says "lay off the kid for not hustling", well, it's obvious you're either an utter namby-pamby, or you don't have kids, at least none that participate in Organized Sport.

For what IS Organized Sport, if nothing else but a vessel in which parents everywhere pour scads of their hard-earned money, as well as something even more precious, their free time, hauling kids to and from practices, workout sessions, trainers, doctors. Not to mention the games, the fundraisers, the obligatory turns running the concession stand, the chain gang, umpiring, coaching, keeping stats, and being the 'treat mom'.

Really, if you have had a kid in anything from tee-ball on up, if you stand there and tell me that you didn't have to nearly devote yourself during the season to the kid's game, then you're a liar, or you're one of THEM fucks who just drops their kid off, and leaves the coaching, fundraising, and the rest of the work for the rest of us. In otherwords, it's a lot of work for my wife and I.

All we ask, in return, is 100% effort. You don't have to win, you don't have to be the best, but if we take you somewhere to participate in this activity that YOU signed up for, then while you're there, then direct ALL of your attention to the game. Do NOT waste my efforts by spending 3/4 of the practice cutting up with the other guys, showing off for the skirts watching practice from the doorway, or acting like you're dying.

Just do your best, and I know you, and I know what you look like when you're really trying. If you don't wanna put out, ok, just remember that next year when you're standing there with your hand out holding a sheet of paper that I have to sign and notarize, when I tell you to piss off. You're my kid, and all, and I love you, but life is too short to waste. You can chase girls for free all you want, without my having to pay the school a hundred dollar participation fee.

Monday, September 12

9/12/2005 01:02:00 PM by Rob

Whining, pictures tell the story, silly rabbits

Some pictures ARE indeed worth a thousand words. 1000 + 7 + these 3 = 1010 so far.

1000 more words. 2,000 more words. Actually, make it 4,000. Heh. Can we be THIS pissed at a guy responsible for these? Lookat them nips. I wouldn't mind if little Barbara showed me her FEMA...

This chick's name is Busy Phillipps. She is starring in a new UPN show called "Love, Inc.", and certainly there will be some "You GO, girl"s and "Uh Unh, no he didhent"s in the script. I am of course not taking advantage of the thousands of easy jokes, double entendres and crude observations I could be making based on her name. All I can say is, I kind of like the heart-shaped chair.

I'm sure it smells quite glamorous.

THIS guy thinks the Cubs will be able to vault over the Asstrolls (and the Brewers, and the Fish, and the Nationals, and the Mutts, and the Phillies) to win the Wild Card. Let's enjoy the recent spell for what it is: .800 ball with the pressure off. Guys can go about their biznass nice, and easy, and Dusty can even play Matt Murton with some semblance of regularity. Life is good, this is the way it should've been all year. Now, let's see how they do with a renewed pressure to win on their shoulders.

Speaking of 5 1/2 game leads...the Tribe is On the Warpath, tra-la tra-la...

The Bears? Who Cares? They don't even get their own picture.

I saw three football games this weekend, and my team lost by an AVERAGE of 25 points.

Friday night, on a whim, I went home to see my alma mater, "4A Football Powerhouse", get their dicks handed to them by fucking Braidwood. That's like watching midgets run track, I tell ya.

Saturday night, my elder son's team, "4A up-and-comer", played the undisciplined, penalty-ridden, poorly-coached, unorganized Public League school we bus in every year for our usual and customary cupcake dessert before we start conference play. "Them coons" earned about 250 yards in penalities, mostly on personal fouls and offsides, seems like they've never heard of "on two" before.

Thank God, because without the penalties, they would've beat us by 70. As it was, they won by 30, because my kid and his friends are too busy playing grabass to bear down in the weight room, to bear down at practive, to bear down at the games, and if they "do their job" and "fill their gap", that's all that matters.

Um, fellas? Quite often in life, you have to give something more than the minimum daily requirements to succeed, in life, team.

And, as if life was a magic video cassette, I watched my youngest's team get smoked, in the same manner, by the same margin, for pretty much the same reasons.

Perhaps if kids these days actually WATCHED a real football game, rather than played one on the PS2, they would see that the game, at its highest level, requires constant motion. Nobody stands around, everyone is running somewhere, nobody goes to "his spot" and stands there. Well, unless you're Randy Moss. Or some other heathen like that.

Friday, September 9

9/09/2005 11:15:00 AM by Rob

One thing is for certain

Well, no sooner do I put down in print that the Sux are going to win big this year, than they get shut out by the Royals...sheesh. I won't say anything else about that.

Just like when I say that perhaps the Cubs are looking better....never mind.

In the last few days, there's been a lot written and said about next year. Sure, OK, we're Cub fans - that's what we do. People setting up their dream batting orders, their "likely" batting orders, do we keep Walker, do we keep Nomar, do we keep Burnitz, do we play the kids, or do we get so many free agents that the team is Dusty-proof? If you're going to keep the lummox, you might as well fuck the kids, and sign Nomar, Walker, Burnitz, get a couple more mediocre Rent-a-players like Preston Wilson to play left and center, so he can spend the entire winter making out the opening day lineup, and stick with it all year.

It's another big offseason on the north side, and once again we wait to see if Hendry plans to go young, or spend the money to try to buy a pennant, or what usually happens, some form of middle-of-the-road.

You can choose not to care about what I have to say, for I swore on my own life that we would be nothing this year if we didn't get rid of SamMe Sofa. Well, we did, and he HAS sucked the big dick this year, but we're still nothing. So what do I know? We weren't gonna win with him, but we're not winning without him.

But one thing is clear in my eyes. Nobody could possibly be as bad as Corey Patterson is right now. He had a productive first half in 2003, and even though his stats were somewhat hollow last year, he was far better than he is now. I'm not saying that he is tanking it...what possbile motivation could he have? But it is obvious that he is completely, almost irretrievably fucked up. You can give him playing time to get himself untracked, put him in spots in the batting order where he can see better pitches, and he's been killing us all year.

At this pace, next year, he may not catch a ball, hit a ball, or make a single throw. He obviously can't play for Dusty Baker, so a choice must be made by Hendry.

The room isn't big enough for the two of them. If this were the WWE, simple: let them wrassle in a Texas Cage, loser must leave town. But in this game, the wrasslin' is being done in Jim Hendry's sugar-soaked mind. One fall, 3 month time limit, no holds barred.

Thursday, September 8

9/08/2005 03:56:00 PM by Rob

Lacey wants to know

Our bayou beauty, born south of Hattiesburg, but just north of the real bad stuff, wants to know if you've given to the Hurricane Relief Effort? If you want to, hit the Red Cross

9/08/2005 10:38:00 AM by Rob

Ain't gonna happen

Since our season was shot for shit, the only saving grace many of us Cub fans had was to pull hard for the White Sox to fuck up their season, too. I, personally, hold no real grudge towards the Sox. I don't believe Ron Schueler put a gun to Ed Lynch's head when he traded them Jon Garland. Anyway, it's taken Garland a looooooong time to get to where he is now, and good for him.

My personal take is that I don't feel like going through a long, cold winter having to take crap from their "fans", many of which can't even be bothered to admit that they're Sox fans during years when they're NOT winning titles. If you wear your ugly-assed black hat every year, then good for you. But some of you fuckers were all "Go Cubbies" a couple of years ago, and today, you're swillin' the murky-assed South Side Kool-Aid? You fucks need to be shot dead.

So we were pulling for the big El-Foldo, a collapse that would drag the misery of Bartman down with it. Ain't gonna happen. They had the good sense NOT to fuck with the chemistry by adding Griffey, which is in stark contrast to 2000, when they traded Fordyce for the corpse formerly known as Harold Baines. Chances are, the so-called "Grinders" will grind 'em out big time in October.

So what do WE do this winter?

It's time to build the wall - to come up with zingers, one-liners, to support our defensive posture, to be able to withstand the Level 4 shitstorm we're going to endure from Sox Fan Nation, be they die-hards or come-latelys.

With the exception of third base, and that itself being rather thin, the Sox have out-performed us at every position, at every aspect of the game. So "Joe Crede Sucks" can really only be used as a supporting tool, kind of like a third-down running play designed to gain a better angle for a last-second field goal. We need to defend by lashing out at some of the other aspects of Soxhood. And, while we're building this wall, we have to guard against kicking a dead horse: twenty five straight comebacks about mullets will be extremely impotent; it would be hard to launch any more than a few in a row without extreme creativity.

So here are my first few, and please feel free to add your own, and together, we can all weather our own off-season crisis, dealing with the most obnoxious of cretins.

"Well, I can't help it that you know more about MY team than you do about yours"

"Did Walgreens have any more of those caps in their clearence bin?"

"One of the reasons why we lost so often was that Kenny Williams' kids kept stealing our players' cars, and they were habitually late reporting for pre-game warmups"

"Is Hawk Harrelson still alive? I thought he died in Montreal? Oh, that was Drysdale? Sorry, my bad"

"I heard they're gonna house 5,000 hurricane refugees in the Cell - there's plenty of room, even though there's still a month left in the season"

"Gosh, I bet it would be a real party if the Sox ever won a playoff game at home. I wouldn't know" (Only valid if you're under 46 years old)

"Please tell your manager that the plans for the remake of "Scarface" have fallen through."

"I went to a demolition derby recently, and most of the drivers had both your mom's and your wife's name painted on their cars, along with pictures of screws."

"Your daughter sucked my cock the other night for a box of Sudafed"

Well, I'm about tapped out for now. Take over for me, will you?

Tuesday, September 6

9/06/2005 12:29:00 PM by Rob

For Brian and Thorn

Maria Menouonos IS hard news....

I don't have any proof that Bush and the Saudis are in cahoots to take over the world, by artifically raising oil prices, and that an effective first step in creating the type of chaos necessary for the type of unilateral actions that Bush pulled off to cause the oil prices to soar would be to hire paid mercenaries to murder our own citizens.

It's pretty goddamned far fetched, to tell the truth.

But it makes more sense than to believe, with NO hard proof, that Saddam had anything to do with it. Couldn't we have looked into Saudi Arabia FIRST, before laying waste to Iraq, where we currently sit, like a fat goose, indefinitely, while the very people we purport to liberate chafe and fight against us at every turn?

I'm just saying, we've looked, and we're continuing to look, in the wrong places for justice for 9/11. Where IS the head of Osama Bin Laden?

Can we agree on that?

Can we also agree that Dusty Baker cannot do simple manager things, like fill out a lineup card?

Is that cool with you, too?

I'll back off of the "Bush murdering his own citizens" if you guys back....

...never mind.

And Thorn, hey? Call me a tree-hugger, huh? Who has a fucking arboretum in his backyard, huh? And don't tell me it's the wife's, I know you are in on it, too....

9/06/2005 11:56:00 AM by Rob

Idiots on Parade

Of course, Baker, Hendry, and Kanye West, and (for once) NOT Jesse Jackson

Was yesterday the first time Jerry Hairston missed a signal?

I really doubt it. So why, now, do we have to hear about it? And Jerry, only to compound his own stupidity, decides to fire back and assert that "we didn't lose the game on the missed signal." Oh, really? So, you had time between the moment you walked into the clubhouse and the time the reporters came calling, to unravel the whole thread of the ballgame, and you can say for certain that the rally you helped sink in the 8th wasn't your fault whatsoever?

Seems like an awful lot of thought for a brain-damaged cakeboy from Naperville WHO CAN'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER THE SIGNS!!

So whose fault is it that we have players who may have physical talents, but who do not fundamentally know how to play baseball? I mean, I understand that baseball isn't as popular amongst kids now as it was 30 years ago, and probably when the young Jerry Hairston, Jody Gerut, or Todd Walker went outside to play, it was probably to play hoops, football, or God forbid, soccer. But assuming half of major league rosters are currently foreign-born, half of 30*25 is around 400 players, and do you mean to tell me that there weren't 400 kids in our school systems 10-15 years ago that liked baseball more than the other sports?

I guess it is a manager's job to cover his players' asses sometime, and I guess he's finally sick of it, because he's finally realized it isn't doing any good. But once again, Dustbin, consistency is the key, and aren't YOU being inconsistent now, all of a sudden, you're not a "players manager" anymore? It's too late, too late. And shame on you, too, Hendry. If this was all you could get for Sosa, fine. Then cut his stupid, no-sign-reading ass.

Let's talk about Kanye West for a minute.

Even in the land of the talentless, this guy takes the cake. I am NOT the typical 40 year old white guy who can't stand rap: hell, I was one of the first wanna-be's, rockin' Run-DMC and LL Cool J when the rest of my white adolescent friends were laughing at me over the top of their Ozzy and Iron Maiden blaring from their stolen car stereos. From what I understand about rap, it has to be three characteristics: 1) IT has to follow the beat; 2) IT has to rhyme; and 3) IT has to have a purpose of some sort.

This Kanye West guy, he's winning Grammies and making kajillions of dollars, enjoying critical acclaim, and FOR WHAT?? He fucking SUCKS!! He slurs everything he says, he doesn't rhyme, he don't even attempt to follow his own beat, mumbling incoherently free-form about next to nothing, and THIS is the BEST fucking talent we have to offer???

Anyway, all that being said, I agree 100% with what he says. In fact, Jesse Jackson, Professional Tool, manages to get it said without pissing anyone off. I don't care if I wouldn't trust Jesse to wipe my ass. Fuck George Bush and fuck the federal response to the flooding.

But Kanye, look, for whatever God-forsaken reason, you were given a golden opportunity to say something and to make a difference. For some reason, you are held with high esteem, and what did you do? Did you rise above, did you earn your title? Nah, you fuckin' blew it.

Look, dude. You can THINK it all you want. I think it, too. But, in front of America, isn't the time to say it. Would I have said it when I was 25, given the opportunity? Maybe. Would I say it now? No, not like that.

Why? It's all timing, kid. Think about it...doesn't George Bush represent "whitey"? And who's behind the camera, who's in the control booth? Whitey? You need to use your head, be more clever than that. You talk like a punk, you go out like a punk. It's one thing to feel something.

It's another thing to go running headlong into a brick wall.

Friday, September 2

9/02/2005 10:37:00 AM by Rob

End of Days

So, I'm an idiot, huh?

So far, what have I been bitching about the last two years hasn't come true?

Boy, I tell you what, I've known Thorn all my life, and if I didn't know him real well, and know that what actually comes out of his mouth is probably 200% more harsh than he really feels, I'd have to fucking hunt him down and whip his fucking ass.

There's parallels between the misfortunes of the Cubs and the misfortunes that we have endured in this country the last few years. The main one, of course, is the notion that the product, whether it be the ball team or the country, is dogshit, and the people in charge are telling you it's filet mignon.

Thorn and several others took umbrage (oom-brahj) when I suggested that Bush and the Saudi princes probably cooked up 9/11 as an excuse to commit large-scale acts that would drive the oil market silly. Well, answer a couple of questions for me, right-wing guys:

Why, when Osama his ownself is from Saudi Arabia, and the vast majority of the fuckmullets that hijacked the 9/11 planes were from Saudi Arabia, why do we suck their dicks? Why did we invade Afghanistan, then Iraq, and then threaten Iran, but the Saudis get a complete and total pass?

I have no right to make the statement? Well, actually, I have MORE right to make the statement than Bush had to invade Iraq, because nobody's gonna DIE over what I have to say.

Look, I'm in the problem-solving bizness. Every day, I have to deal with hyperactive summer-sweater-wearing salary-slaves who tell me that their web dashboards suck because we fucked up their data. Well, it is my job to build the reality, by noticing that A, B, C, and D happened, therefore the data on the screen is accurate, because they didn't remember that A, B, C, and D happened, or they didn't realize that A, B, C, and D had any effect on the data.

So, for an escape, I go and try to follow my favorite ballclub. Even though they spend more money than ever before, they manage to limp in this year substantially below the .500 mark, and the field mangler and the general mangler tell me that there was bad luck, blah blah.

Except, that I know that we started the year without a leadoff man, a closer, a full rotation, and no bench. I also know that whatever resources they had, they mismanaged grotesquely due to ill-advised bullpen usage, and uninformed lineups based on personal preferences rather than performance data. So even though they try to tell me that nobody's at fault, I can say, well, A, B, and C happened, so you're wrong.

As for our country, Bush can tell me that Saddam Hussein was a threat to MY personal liberty, but he has no, zero, nothing in concrete proof that suggests that is true. Just like he's telling us now that 17 zillion tons of supplies and eleventy thousand million troops are headed to the Gulf coast, BUT GEORGE, CNN has fucking cameras there, and they don't show anything going on but a bunch of gang-bangers floating plasma teevees on strung-together plastic coolers all stolen from the Wal-Mart. Is CNN not showing the good news on purpose? Maybe. But they keep showing the crowds, and if there WERE seventy zillion soldiers there, wouldn't they be in the picture?

I'm sick of being lied to. By everyone. And I'm nice and safe, with breakfast in my belly, two extra bottles of water at my side, in an air-conditioned room. What if I were standing in line waiting for a bus, or getting shot at in Iraq, and they kept tacking another six months to my tour?

Thursday, September 1

9/01/2005 09:17:00 AM by Rob

...but I AM still taking my meds!

Like my new pair of Nike "Keep Moving"s? They're the very LATEST in minimalist shoe fashion, but I didn't buy them so much for the cutting edge look, but they were the only shoes I could afford, after I filled my tank for the second time this week. Once again, thanks, President Bush. Fucking fearmonkey.

I really lost it yesterday on desipio's message board. I'm even more depressed today than I was after 9/11. Hell, then, I knew that someone else was to blame, and my main concern was just how many toes we would step on in our push for "justice", and of course, I wasn't surprised at what happened next. This one, we have nobody to blame.

Who builds a city under sea level, on a coast, where a hurricane can getcha? The looting, violence, etc. doesn't surprise me in the least, either. "There ain't nothing more lazy or shiftless than a souther ni--er." Well, they haven't done much the last few days to refute this notion. But this is precisely what is depressing me today: which came first? Were these people really BORN this way, with the predisposition to be nothing but useless, lazy, lawless human maggots? Or, what's more likely, are they a product of generations of systematic institutional neglect and criminal abuse; to the point that all hope is lost, and the motivation doesn't exist for one to help his ownself?

That's what really hurts today...what if I were in their shoes? I'd like to say that, first of all, I'd NEVER live in the Deep South, that I'm just not cut out for it. And if I did, I woulda have had my family on the road. But what if my wife decided in some womanly fit that she couldn't leave her home behind? What would I do? And what if I were too poor to load up the Tahoe for drier land?

I'm not one brimming with a whole lot of the substance called "hope" to begin with, but what if I had NONE, like the folks down there? How easy would it be for me to jump off of the upper deck? The thought scares the fuck out of me.

Well, speaking of no hope, nobody got traded off of the Cubs last night. Since Neifi Perez didn't clear waivers (?!?) and since he's, like, Dusty's best friend, anyway, we're stuck having to watch him go through the motions this month. Ditto Jose Macias, although I think he cleared waivers. He ain't going anyplace. You'll see Z and Maddux and Prior take their turns.

I'm not sure what purpose in life Hairston and Rusch and Patterson and, yes, even the Great Nomar serve right now. None of these guys figure in next year's plan. But then again, I'm not sure who we could have gotten at this point in time that would help us next year. Anyone who has a decent leadoff hitter, decent reliever or decent starter is either in a pennant race, or holding on to their own valuable pieces for next year.

There really isn't going to be a lot I can say about the club for the next month. If the kids play, then I'll at least have THAT to hang on to. If the kids don't play, then this month will be a complete and total waste, and since it appears that the manager's job is Dusty's, if he wants it for next year, what would be the point in watching?

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