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Wednesday, September 28

An Open Letter to Yahoo! Personals

Dear Yahoo!,

I would first like to thank you for helping me in my own lovelife. In the interests of full disclosure, I posted a personals ad out with you five years ago, and in one day, I received 27 e-mails. Out of the pack, I contacted the one that stood out, and she today is Mrs. Sloth. We couldn't be more pleased with the way things turned out for us.

But that was before you started advertising your services with pictures of "actual Yahoo! Personals users", like Missy to my left, here. As you will note, she is listed as hailing from Watertown, NY, an actual place. I drove through there this summer. I didn't see Missy, though, darnit. For you will also note, that Missy is quite an handsome lass. I suspect that if she worked in, say, a steno pool, she would be the hottest chick in said steno pool.

I tried to access her ad, but the Fun Filter here at work would not let me get onto Yahoo! Personals. But here's my problem. Many, many thousands of lonely, horny, sex-crazed men are on their computers, as I speak, and I suspect a good portion of them are currently in the process of finding the supposedly authentic ad for young Missy right now!

Yahoo! Personals are very effective in eliciting responses; please note, above, that I whined at length about being a nearly broke 36 year old, two-time loser, with custody of two adolescent boys, and I didn't even DARE to post a picture of my bad self, and I got TWENTY-SEVEN hits in one night!!! Of course, 26 of the women who responded couldn't or wouldn't grasp the meaning of my ad, because they wanted everything from a clubbing partner, to a sugar daddy willing to wrestle her and her four kids out of their trailer lifestyle.

But, Good God, how many fucking hits must Missy get, every minute of every day, 24/7/365??? I'd write her myself, just for shits and grins!

I suspect very strongly that Missy is in fact NOT out there to be had by the most worthy suitor, that Missy, if that be her real simply an atrractive young woman who makes a living smiling at cameras, and if I looked real hard, I might also find her leaning against a wall for a paneling company, or draped across a car for an auto wax company. But I think the Ol' Bait-and-Switch may be in order, here, and when it is all said and done, and our intrepid love-seekers make the proper contacts, and they drive to meet their cyber-date halfway for pizza, this is what will await most of our readers:

Many of my readers know more about the backs of the 1972 Topps series of baseball cards than they do about meeting women, so, please, Yahoo!, for their sake, please discontinue the use of misleading ads.

Thank you in advance,

The Uncouth Sloth
Purveyor of Fine Filth since 2002