It started out as a Cub blog with cuss words. I'm still cussin'; it's the Cub part I'm a little squishy on these days.

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Thursday, September 8

Ain't gonna happen

Since our season was shot for shit, the only saving grace many of us Cub fans had was to pull hard for the White Sox to fuck up their season, too. I, personally, hold no real grudge towards the Sox. I don't believe Ron Schueler put a gun to Ed Lynch's head when he traded them Jon Garland. Anyway, it's taken Garland a looooooong time to get to where he is now, and good for him.

My personal take is that I don't feel like going through a long, cold winter having to take crap from their "fans", many of which can't even be bothered to admit that they're Sox fans during years when they're NOT winning titles. If you wear your ugly-assed black hat every year, then good for you. But some of you fuckers were all "Go Cubbies" a couple of years ago, and today, you're swillin' the murky-assed South Side Kool-Aid? You fucks need to be shot dead.

So we were pulling for the big El-Foldo, a collapse that would drag the misery of Bartman down with it. Ain't gonna happen. They had the good sense NOT to fuck with the chemistry by adding Griffey, which is in stark contrast to 2000, when they traded Fordyce for the corpse formerly known as Harold Baines. Chances are, the so-called "Grinders" will grind 'em out big time in October.

So what do WE do this winter?

It's time to build the wall - to come up with zingers, one-liners, to support our defensive posture, to be able to withstand the Level 4 shitstorm we're going to endure from Sox Fan Nation, be they die-hards or come-latelys.

With the exception of third base, and that itself being rather thin, the Sox have out-performed us at every position, at every aspect of the game. So "Joe Crede Sucks" can really only be used as a supporting tool, kind of like a third-down running play designed to gain a better angle for a last-second field goal. We need to defend by lashing out at some of the other aspects of Soxhood. And, while we're building this wall, we have to guard against kicking a dead horse: twenty five straight comebacks about mullets will be extremely impotent; it would be hard to launch any more than a few in a row without extreme creativity.

So here are my first few, and please feel free to add your own, and together, we can all weather our own off-season crisis, dealing with the most obnoxious of cretins.

"Well, I can't help it that you know more about MY team than you do about yours"

"Did Walgreens have any more of those caps in their clearence bin?"

"One of the reasons why we lost so often was that Kenny Williams' kids kept stealing our players' cars, and they were habitually late reporting for pre-game warmups"

"Is Hawk Harrelson still alive? I thought he died in Montreal? Oh, that was Drysdale? Sorry, my bad"

"I heard they're gonna house 5,000 hurricane refugees in the Cell - there's plenty of room, even though there's still a month left in the season"

"Gosh, I bet it would be a real party if the Sox ever won a playoff game at home. I wouldn't know" (Only valid if you're under 46 years old)

"Please tell your manager that the plans for the remake of "Scarface" have fallen through."

"I went to a demolition derby recently, and most of the drivers had both your mom's and your wife's name painted on their cars, along with pictures of screws."

"Your daughter sucked my cock the other night for a box of Sudafed"

Well, I'm about tapped out for now. Take over for me, will you?