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Bruce, we gave you tha keys, and THIS is what you brought home?

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Monday, September 19

The Uncouth Sloth Monday Morning Quarterback

With apologies to Peter King, these are ten thoughts I think I think...

1) The Chicago Bears are not as bad as they were in week one, nor are they as good as they were yesterday. The Lions are dun, and I think the Packers have held on to Lil' Abner a year or two too long. The Vikes have too much talent to suck this hard. I still think they win the division. The Bears may have something to say about it, though.

2) It seems like the Cubs have been two games under .500 for a month, now. If Dusty is going to goose us on the high side of the mediocre line, he better get after it. Playing Corey Patterson, I don't care HOW many doubles he hits, is pointless and useless. Let's see how we do the last week or two with players actually IN next year's blueprint. Unless.....christ, they're gonna offer Corey a contract for next year? Jeezus.

3) Coffeenerdness: Starbucks - over-rated! Clap-Clap ClapClapClap! For half the price, them camel jockeys down at Dunkin' do it right. I don'need no fancy-ass barrista to change the grounds and pour the water.

4) The Trojans played one great half of football, and one piss-poor half. Their opponents played one bad half and one stellar half. The Houghton-Mifflin book of Football Algebra states that:

bad + stellar > great + piss poor

Anyway, if you are a coach, administrator, or anyone otherwise associated with Trojan football, please let me know and I will provide, free of charge, the starting 22 best suited to the personnel we have at hand. And yes, I'm taking MY kid off of the defense. You're very welcome.

5) Lacrosse - sorry, I don't have a daughter named Mary Beth and even if I did, nobody plays lacrosse in Illinois. I do have a son who plays Pop Warner football, and they got beated fair-n-square by them kids from Hall in the red shirts. To differentiate them from their brain-damaged parents in the red shirts. Anyway, yes, we got beat, but at a somewhat crucial juncture of the game, one of our kids sacked their QB on a fourth-and-long, and upon getting to his feet, did a brief fist pump. That coaxed the yellow laundry out of the ref's pocket, which gave them 15 yards and a re-do, and yep, they ended up with a first down and eventually flogged it in there for another six.

Just foreshadowing for the October 7th deal down at Hall. That's why me and the missus are going to drive up north that weekend. My heart ain't cut out for any fuckin' outside of my marriage bond. Especially not no butt-fuckin' at the hands of a garlic-eater in a striped shirt.

6) First, always ask a choking victim if he can talk. If he can, DO NOT INTERFERE! Since I can still hear Ozzy Montana talking about having fung, I guess I will NOT interfere.

7) I just wanted to see Dusty Baker go after Cris Carpenter. I just wanted to see Dusty do SOMETHING, anything, to earn his $4 mill.

8) The new fall shows are coming out in the next week or two. CAN'T WAIT!! Anything, just to somehow, someway, force a conclusion to "Rock Star - INXS". Hasn't that show been on, five days a week, since Chad Fox was in one piece? How convoluted has THAT been? Makes "American Idol" look like a 10 second PSA.

9) WHO, just WHO is surprised, that them Nawlins hoochies with the debit cards are buying Louis Vuitton purses? Hell, I figured once them cards got issued, the Cristal would flow, but our gubbmint, in a rare fit of sense, declared alcohol off limits, along with smokes and firearms. But Air Jordans are OK.

WE give them $2,000 of free money to have a fresh start, and there they go, spending 40% of that on a handbag. Look, there has been an awful lot of finger pointing the last few weeks, an awful lot of demanding that we look at the generations of institutional neglect that has doomed the entire deep South to failure and inescapable debt.

Maybe we should put a bit more emphasis on the notion that, possibly, they did it to themselves?

All you Bush-lovers who have been calling me a tree-worshiping, left-handed liberal, I has news for ya: I hate Welfare as much as the next guy. So Shaddap!!

10) Last, but not least for the day, I have the sad news to pass along that, in the space of one weekend, my younger son showed my WIFE, my MOTHER, and my MOTHER-IN-LAW, the url for this here blog. This may seriously curtail the cheesecake.

Thanx, Mike, you afro-sheen fang-toothed horn-blowing beeyotch!