6/23/2005 10:10:00 AM by Rob

Age of consent

Not that it makes a hill of beans difference in my own personal life, but I was under the distinct impression that the "age of consent" was a federal thing, and that it was 18 in these here Yoo-nited States.

Not according to this table:

Alabama 16
Alaska 16
Arizona 18
Arkansas 16
California 18
Colorado 15
Connecticut 16
D.C. 16
Delaware 16
Florida 16
Georgia 16
Hawaii 16
Idaho 16
Illinois 17
Indiana 16
Iowa 14
Kansas 16
Kentucky 16
Louisiana 17
Maine 16
Maryland 16
Massachusetts 16
Michigan 16
Minnesota 16
Mississippi 16
Missouri 14
Montana 16
Nebraska 17
Nevada 16
New Hampshire 16
New Jersey 16
New Mexico 17
New York 17
North Carolina 16
North Dakota 18
Ohio 16
Oklahoma 16
Oregon 18
Pennsylvania 16
Rhode Island 16
South Carolina 14
South Dakota 16
Tennessee 18
Texas 17
Utah 16
Vermont 16
Virginia 18
Washington 16
West Virginia 16
Wisconsin 18
Wyoming 16
Military 16

What this does mean is an easing of the Sloth Moratorium on Comments about Young Girls.

Like say, for instance, I wanted to, um, wax poetic about the womanly charms of a Hilary Duff. I suspect she lives in Cali, where you are not legal tender until 18 years of age. If, however, she was living in Texas, the state of her birth, then I would have no trouble at all expressing my true feelings about young Hilary, since she currently is 17-something, and that's ok down in Texas.

If, surprisingly, a little nipper like a Renee Olstead was kickin' it in Iowa, then with their super-sexy 14 year age limit, I could sit back and luxuriate about the kind of stress relief that would come with, um, hanging out with her.

Or should the rule apply to the state in which I currently sit? Like, would it be ok for me to sit in Iowa and gawk at Renee, but here in Illinois, where I sit, she's still two years too young to consider, so I just better cut it?

Of course, these laws most handle kid-to-kid relations. The rules get much different when one of the dancers is an old over-21 fart like us.

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6/22/2005 01:23:00 PM by Rob

A thankless task, if ever I saw one

This, of course, is the IMG's attempt to narrow down the top 100 movie quotes in American movie history, which is pretty much world history. Now, anyone who would even end up HERE by accident has to agree with me when I say "Shit", there are at least 100 quotes ALONE in any ONE of several movies which we all can tick off instantly: "Animal House", "The Blues Brothers", "Major League", "Airplane", "The Quiet Man", "Slap Shot"...hell, we all have our own faves. "Stripes", "Rounders", "Old School".

The one that I think MOST pants-wearing men can meet common ground on is "Caddyshack". Even if you DESPISE golf, or as the Scottish say it, "goff", you have watched this movie 50 bazillion times, and I wager that at least 5 of the lines from the movie have actually become part of your everyday speech pattern.

For today, I will list the following 20 lines from the 1980 classic comedy that I actually use in daily speech.

When I see someone a tad overdressed for an occassion, "Ahoy polloi.”

“Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.” Always good for someone wearing a Cardinals cap.

An all purpose exclamation, good for late-game three pointers by Robert Horry, or when one of your kids tries to take too much cereal, causing spillage into the kitchen sink: “IT'S IN THE HOLE!”

“Tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.” Always good when your friend returns to your seats at a game and hands you an overpriced, underweight hot dog.

Whenever some yard Nazi friend wants to show off his heavily Turfbuildered lawn as proof of his own fledgling masculinity, always remark that “This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.”

“Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort”. Always apropos at a business meeting, when somebody just lays down a barrage of technobabble bullshit, and everyone else is just sitting there, slackjawed, unwilling to admit that they understood NOTHING.

“How about a Fresca?”, when you have to jump up to take your turn at buying the drinks.

When ogling MILFs, women old enough to be your...um...wife: “Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my ham”

“While we're young!” - multipurpose, for applications ranging from traffic, to the line at the ATM, to the line to the john at parties.

“Thank you very little.”, usually said under my breath to management who have just presented me with another "growth opportunity".

“Hey, did somebody step on a duck?” - self-explanatory.

“Don't you people have homes?” - when my sullen, careless 16 year old has several of his sullen, careless 16 year old friends sitting at MY kitchen table, eating the last of MY Reese's Puffs!

It's always funny when your wife walks into the bathroom while I'm still in it to yell “Will you come loofah my stretch marks?”

“I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing, and like it. “, always said to whiny kids whenever entering a fastfood establishment.

“That’s ALL I need”…said with a fake Irish accent whenever somebody offers unnecessary or unwanted help.

“Bark like a dog.”, once again, while mentally undressing the MILFs at the mall.

My VP is English, and frequently says things to us that may be construed as, well, insensitive by most people. He can do this, I guess, because he's the VP. “I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.”

”Oh then you ain't getting no coke. Know what I'm talking about?”, always readily appreciated my said children whenever they want either A or B, and both are just totally out of the question. "Dad, I have to take a long car ride next week. Can you either buy me a hand-help Playstation or an iPod?"

“I'm going to put it right on the line. There's been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course, bad language, smoking grass, poor caddying. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.” Handy when they forget to take out the garbage, unload the dishwasher, or scoop the catpoop, the only jobs they have.

Finally, for them dirty-faced friends of my younger son: "We have a pool and a pond... Pond’ll be good for you.”

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6/21/2005 10:02:00 AM by Rob

The mysteries of life that keep us awake at night

In a nation at war, with oil prices that show no intention of falling, on a web site that follows a spectacularly mediocre baseball club, where there is available help and their pockets are bursting full of the young arms everyone desperately covets, there is one agonizing thought running over and over across my mind...

WHO THE FUCK IS THAT GIRL IN THE MERCURY MARINER COMMERCIAL???

Well, who would know, but me? Her name is Jill Wagner, and the reason why most of us didn't recognize her is that we never watched "Punk'd!", that piece-o-shit show on MTV where Ashton Kutcher wears his farmer cap funny and plays improbable pranks on his dumbfuck celebrity friends. See, the target demo for the teeny tiney SUV watches Punk'd, and they KNOW who Jill Wagner is. Her and her tight-ass clingy top, that just makes her mams look enormous...

If you need to see more of her, she did a layout in Stuff magazine, so unless you're at work and have o' them fucked-up fun blockers, go laugh at her "outfit" and if I helped just ONE of you extract the poisons in your system today, then I'm down with that.

20 off of the Rio

Seether - Veruca Salt
Humans Being - Van Halen
Sister Havana - Urge Overkill
Hymn - Ultravox
Boogie Oogie Oogie - A Taste of Honey
Pure Energy - Information Society
One Simple Thing - Stabilizers
Romanticide - Combo Audio
Sausilito Summer Nights - Diesel
Never Been Any Reason - Head East
Smalltown Boy - Bronski Beat
I Could Be Good For You - 707
Every Day Is Halloween - Ministry
When the Heart Rules the Mind - GTR
Spirits In the Night - Manfred Mann
Drivers Seat - Sniff 'n' the Tears
Girl In Trouble - Romeo Void
Ready To Go - Republica
Lunatic Fringe - Red Ryder
Say It Isn't So - The Outfield

BTW: if you can help me with who sang a song either called "I'm Alive" or "No Turning Back", I'd make it worth yer while.

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6/20/2005 10:19:00 AM by Rob

When 36% of your roster is worthless, it's no wonder you suck

I have spent the better part of the week yelling at Dusty for fiddling around while Rome burns. "How long ARE you going to leave him in there?.....Are you waiting until the game is entirely out of reach?.....Great job, fuckstick. We can't come back from THIS!" Baker looks tired, defeated, beaten, and like somebody is crushing his very nuts underfoot.

I'm not here to bury Dusty Baker.

Many wiser heads, including Chuck, Andy, and most of the rest of you, were correctly pinning the blame on Jim Hendry. I am Guilty of backing this son-of-a-bitch for far too long, because I was all star-struck because he succeeded in trading Sosa.

Hendry, doing the right thing is the Wrong Thing when you take Too Long to accomplish it, and when you Neglect Everything Else in the process. Right now, 9 out of your 25 man roster sucks, absolutely sucks, and has no business taking up space on your bench.

YOU, Jim Hendry, must do something NOW, immediately, in the next Day or Two, or forget about the season...forget about the Central...forget about a Wild Card...forget about the postseason...forget about 2005, and once again, waste another year of Greg Maddux's career, of Carlos Zambrano's career, of Mark Prior's career, of Aramis Ramirez's career, of DERREK LEE's career, for God's sake!!!

Cliff Bartosh does not have what it takes, never will, he looks like a porn video extra (you know, the one who sits in the corner and whacks off while the main stud porks Jenna Jameson into a quivering blond dishrag) and should be sent to the minors or released, now. No questions asked. Anybody you can find would be better than this homer dispenser right now.

Joe Borowski should be outright released, today, in hopes that maybe Milwaukee can pick him up, and maybe he'll face us in a game or two. The biggest fork in the history of cutlery is sticking out of his back. He is done, burnt to a crisp, nobody's gonna eat that charred ruin, probably even the dog won't touch him. Let him take the rest of his $2 million back home to Jersey so his wife can buy more stirrup pants and pastel sweaters with oversized neckholes.

Rich Hill should only be allowed to pitch to lefties. Lefties are hitting a robust .000 against The Curve. A LOOGY is an excessive luxury on a team like this, but what the fuck, why not let him taste a little success? We ain't playing for anything. Maybe, someday, when he gets bigger, we'll EVEN let him try to chip into his .600 "batting average against" by righties.

Will Ohman should be the Guy in the Back of the Pen. Unfortunately, he's your 7th inning guy. This is bad news, kids, by any means. If he threw with his right arm, he'd be playing city ball back home by now, maybe learning Quick Books on the side to help out with his friend's filling station bizness.

I suppose Mike Remlinger is only here for Greg Maddux to talk to. If Mike had any sense of honor, he would fall on his own sword and agree to become the assistant to the assistant bullpen coach. Or coach in charge of Greg's golf caps. Something like that. Just don't let me see ol' grizzly #37 out there with a ball and glove. Fuck. He's done, too, and he looks like somebody dropped this steak on the coals.

Henry Blanco sucks worse than Paul Bako, if that is possible. At least Bako flirted with .200, and at least he was awake, even though he couldn't run five consecutive steps without tripping and falling. We don't have anyone in the minors who can squat for an hour and a half once a week?

Enrique Wilson is the worst player to wear the uniform in a long time, and that encompasses a lot of ground...Bako...Blanco...Fat Lenny...Panty Shields...the Gremlin...Sarge Junior...Damon Buford...shit, he's the worst Cub I've seen this side of Curtis "treat us like men, let us wear our jewry" Goodwin. Cut him, today, and call someone, anyone up. We already have one shitty utility beaner that can't hit...why do we need two?

I want Jason Dubois to have a chance to develop, and perhaps if we peeled back to Development Mode, then leave his big clumsy ass in left, to let him get a bit more comfortable with wearing a fielder's glove, and to maybe learn how to be more patient at the plate, and wait for a hitter's pitch. Because, he's learning more bad habits than good playing with this bunch featuring...

...the Great Corey Patterson. This is the ONE case that Hendry has to bear down, and get absolutely right. We have seen that Corey has Talent, but desperately needs Direction. To me, there are three paths to choose from:

- keep running his silly ass out there, and let him pick up approximately 1.7 bad habits a week. He doesn't take a straight line to balls anymore, he obviously has watched the Sammy Sosa Instructional Video Series on where to throw the ball and how to approach situational hitting, and along with the floundering Dubois, the wiltering Neifi!, and the occassional appearence of automatic outs Wilson, Macias, Blanco, is just fucking killing us.

- if we're going for the win in 2005, then bear down like never before, talk up his value, and trade him for a true on-base percentage hitter.

- if we're in Back Up the Truck mode, then call his silly ass into the office, and inform him that you are fining him $5,000 for every first pitch he swings at, and $1,000 for every pitch over his head or in the dirt. Will he play like he has a syringe stuck up his ass? Yes, of course. But he is going to LEARN the strike zone, and he isn't going to get the structure he needs to perform at his best from the stick-sucking pothead currently sleeping in the corner of the dugout. When Joe Girardi takes over in March, then he can call Corey in and set up a new game plan, in which he bats sixth, waits on pitches, and learns the importance of a level swing on the overall success of the Cubs, the Team, which in turn will feed the success of a Corey Patterson. You can let Dubois sit in on the meetings, too.

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6/16/2005 03:48:00 PM by Rob

Preston Wilson rumors

Haven't we seen this movie before?

For sure, Wilson's ego is nowhere near as large as His Samness's was, but isn't he a guy who strikes out a ton? Who doesn't play sound situational baseball? Who has always done things his own way? Who makes a ton of money? Who is cash money when 8 runs up or 8 runs down, but has no real reputation of late-inning clutch heroics?

I am NOT in favor of a Preston Wilson deal. If the Iron Shef is just a figment of some overactive Sun-Times writer's imagination, then my wont is to look more towards a speed-and-plate discipline guy.

Just, you know, to get my vote in, as if it mattered. | |