6/20/2005 10:19:00 AM by Rob

When 36% of your roster is worthless, it's no wonder you suck

I have spent the better part of the week yelling at Dusty for fiddling around while Rome burns. "How long ARE you going to leave him in there?.....Are you waiting until the game is entirely out of reach?.....Great job, fuckstick. We can't come back from THIS!" Baker looks tired, defeated, beaten, and like somebody is crushing his very nuts underfoot.

I'm not here to bury Dusty Baker.

Many wiser heads, including Chuck, Andy, and most of the rest of you, were correctly pinning the blame on Jim Hendry. I am Guilty of backing this son-of-a-bitch for far too long, because I was all star-struck because he succeeded in trading Sosa.

Hendry, doing the right thing is the Wrong Thing when you take Too Long to accomplish it, and when you Neglect Everything Else in the process. Right now, 9 out of your 25 man roster sucks, absolutely sucks, and has no business taking up space on your bench.

YOU, Jim Hendry, must do something NOW, immediately, in the next Day or Two, or forget about the season...forget about the Central...forget about a Wild Card...forget about the postseason...forget about 2005, and once again, waste another year of Greg Maddux's career, of Carlos Zambrano's career, of Mark Prior's career, of Aramis Ramirez's career, of DERREK LEE's career, for God's sake!!!

Cliff Bartosh does not have what it takes, never will, he looks like a porn video extra (you know, the one who sits in the corner and whacks off while the main stud porks Jenna Jameson into a quivering blond dishrag) and should be sent to the minors or released, now. No questions asked. Anybody you can find would be better than this homer dispenser right now.

Joe Borowski should be outright released, today, in hopes that maybe Milwaukee can pick him up, and maybe he'll face us in a game or two. The biggest fork in the history of cutlery is sticking out of his back. He is done, burnt to a crisp, nobody's gonna eat that charred ruin, probably even the dog won't touch him. Let him take the rest of his $2 million back home to Jersey so his wife can buy more stirrup pants and pastel sweaters with oversized neckholes.

Rich Hill should only be allowed to pitch to lefties. Lefties are hitting a robust .000 against The Curve. A LOOGY is an excessive luxury on a team like this, but what the fuck, why not let him taste a little success? We ain't playing for anything. Maybe, someday, when he gets bigger, we'll EVEN let him try to chip into his .600 "batting average against" by righties.

Will Ohman should be the Guy in the Back of the Pen. Unfortunately, he's your 7th inning guy. This is bad news, kids, by any means. If he threw with his right arm, he'd be playing city ball back home by now, maybe learning Quick Books on the side to help out with his friend's filling station bizness.

I suppose Mike Remlinger is only here for Greg Maddux to talk to. If Mike had any sense of honor, he would fall on his own sword and agree to become the assistant to the assistant bullpen coach. Or coach in charge of Greg's golf caps. Something like that. Just don't let me see ol' grizzly #37 out there with a ball and glove. Fuck. He's done, too, and he looks like somebody dropped this steak on the coals.

Henry Blanco sucks worse than Paul Bako, if that is possible. At least Bako flirted with .200, and at least he was awake, even though he couldn't run five consecutive steps without tripping and falling. We don't have anyone in the minors who can squat for an hour and a half once a week?

Enrique Wilson is the worst player to wear the uniform in a long time, and that encompasses a lot of ground...Bako...Blanco...Fat Lenny...Panty Shields...the Gremlin...Sarge Junior...Damon Buford...shit, he's the worst Cub I've seen this side of Curtis "treat us like men, let us wear our jewry" Goodwin. Cut him, today, and call someone, anyone up. We already have one shitty utility beaner that can't hit...why do we need two?

I want Jason Dubois to have a chance to develop, and perhaps if we peeled back to Development Mode, then leave his big clumsy ass in left, to let him get a bit more comfortable with wearing a fielder's glove, and to maybe learn how to be more patient at the plate, and wait for a hitter's pitch. Because, he's learning more bad habits than good playing with this bunch featuring...

...the Great Corey Patterson. This is the ONE case that Hendry has to bear down, and get absolutely right. We have seen that Corey has Talent, but desperately needs Direction. To me, there are three paths to choose from:

- keep running his silly ass out there, and let him pick up approximately 1.7 bad habits a week. He doesn't take a straight line to balls anymore, he obviously has watched the Sammy Sosa Instructional Video Series on where to throw the ball and how to approach situational hitting, and along with the floundering Dubois, the wiltering Neifi!, and the occassional appearence of automatic outs Wilson, Macias, Blanco, is just fucking killing us.

- if we're going for the win in 2005, then bear down like never before, talk up his value, and trade him for a true on-base percentage hitter.

- if we're in Back Up the Truck mode, then call his silly ass into the office, and inform him that you are fining him $5,000 for every first pitch he swings at, and $1,000 for every pitch over his head or in the dirt. Will he play like he has a syringe stuck up his ass? Yes, of course. But he is going to LEARN the strike zone, and he isn't going to get the structure he needs to perform at his best from the stick-sucking pothead currently sleeping in the corner of the dugout. When Joe Girardi takes over in March, then he can call Corey in and set up a new game plan, in which he bats sixth, waits on pitches, and learns the importance of a level swing on the overall success of the Cubs, the Team, which in turn will feed the success of a Corey Patterson. You can let Dubois sit in on the meetings, too.

---