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Wednesday, June 22

A thankless task, if ever I saw one

This, of course, is the IMG's attempt to narrow down the top 100 movie quotes in American movie history, which is pretty much world history. Now, anyone who would even end up HERE by accident has to agree with me when I say "Shit", there are at least 100 quotes ALONE in any ONE of several movies which we all can tick off instantly: "Animal House", "The Blues Brothers", "Major League", "Airplane", "The Quiet Man", "Slap Shot"...hell, we all have our own faves. "Stripes", "Rounders", "Old School".

The one that I think MOST pants-wearing men can meet common ground on is "Caddyshack". Even if you DESPISE golf, or as the Scottish say it, "goff", you have watched this movie 50 bazillion times, and I wager that at least 5 of the lines from the movie have actually become part of your everyday speech pattern.

For today, I will list the following 20 lines from the 1980 classic comedy that I actually use in daily speech.

When I see someone a tad overdressed for an occassion, "Ahoy polloi.”

“Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.” Always good for someone wearing a Cardinals cap.

An all purpose exclamation, good for late-game three pointers by Robert Horry, or when one of your kids tries to take too much cereal, causing spillage into the kitchen sink: “IT'S IN THE HOLE!”

“Tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.” Always good when your friend returns to your seats at a game and hands you an overpriced, underweight hot dog.

Whenever some yard Nazi friend wants to show off his heavily Turfbuildered lawn as proof of his own fledgling masculinity, always remark that “This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.”

“Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort”. Always apropos at a business meeting, when somebody just lays down a barrage of technobabble bullshit, and everyone else is just sitting there, slackjawed, unwilling to admit that they understood NOTHING.

“How about a Fresca?”, when you have to jump up to take your turn at buying the drinks.

When ogling MILFs, women old enough to be “Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my ham”

“While we're young!” - multipurpose, for applications ranging from traffic, to the line at the ATM, to the line to the john at parties.

“Thank you very little.”, usually said under my breath to management who have just presented me with another "growth opportunity".

“Hey, did somebody step on a duck?” - self-explanatory.

“Don't you people have homes?” - when my sullen, careless 16 year old has several of his sullen, careless 16 year old friends sitting at MY kitchen table, eating the last of MY Reese's Puffs!

It's always funny when your wife walks into the bathroom while I'm still in it to yell “Will you come loofah my stretch marks?”

“I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... You'll get nothing, and like it. “, always said to whiny kids whenever entering a fastfood establishment.

“That’s ALL I need”…said with a fake Irish accent whenever somebody offers unnecessary or unwanted help.

“Bark like a dog.”, once again, while mentally undressing the MILFs at the mall.

My VP is English, and frequently says things to us that may be construed as, well, insensitive by most people. He can do this, I guess, because he's the VP. “I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.”

”Oh then you ain't getting no coke. Know what I'm talking about?”, always readily appreciated my said children whenever they want either A or B, and both are just totally out of the question. "Dad, I have to take a long car ride next week. Can you either buy me a hand-help Playstation or an iPod?"

“I'm going to put it right on the line. There's been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course, bad language, smoking grass, poor caddying. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.” Handy when they forget to take out the garbage, unload the dishwasher, or scoop the catpoop, the only jobs they have.

Finally, for them dirty-faced friends of my younger son: "We have a pool and a pond... Pond’ll be good for you.”