The Uncouth Sloth - born 2002, died 2006. R.I.P.

11/18/2004 08:25:00 AM by Rob

I heard the term "political correctness" for the first time in 1988, and to nobody's surprise here, I was being accused of violating it.

In one of my first jobs as a programmer/analyst at the corporate HQ for "a major Chicago-based oil company", we were not allowed to put up girlie calendars or anything of that sort. Seems standard now, but in 1988, they had somewhat recently banned smoking IN THE OFFICES. Anyway, what I did was gleaned a number of pictures of hot chix from the pages of the Sun-Times and Tribune, and arranged them as a collage on one of the panels of my cube. My point was, everyone read these papers in the office every day without anyone batting an eye...they cut out insipid Dilbert comix and stuck them everywhere...why can't I cut out a picture of Rachel McLish from the Bally's ads?

Anyway, one of the major ball-busting woman managers saw my display one morning, and in a rare display of common sense, I took it all down and stashed it in my desk before the fucking inquisition came around 20 minutes later. At the time, I felt like a fucking wimp for doing it. But it saved my job.

Ever since then, despite substantial academic credentials, an ability to communicate, and a decent body of work, I have been passed up more times than Kyle Petty on the corporate ladder, basically because I wear my heart on my sleeve, faithfully pursue the policy of truth, and otherwise not play the game the way it is set up now.

This site, as it exists, is no more. I apologize to the 20 or so hearty souls who actually liked what I did, but I'm not dead yet, but let me finish this train of thought first. I have fought the Least Common Denominator my entire life, and in this particular case, in its best form, it was a good place to get a regular guy's take on the Chicago Cubs, a sports franchise that is cherished and revered by its true fans, and is misused as an excuse to party by a geometrically larger section of the populace. I cut through the bullshit, and it was good.

But I let it get out of hand, and it has been my fears that is to blame. What fears? My fear that this country is letting itself get led down a path, to a destination that I personally am very uncomfortable with.

Now, I'm not going to talk political parties here, or candidates, or name names. What is bothering me is that MOST of us are changing, and frankly, I don't want to go where you're going. Case(s) in point:

- On September 11th, 2001, when I saw the second tower tumble down, I thought...well, let's save that for last.

- When I saw Janet Jackson's boob fall out, I shrugged. It wasn't titillating, no pun intended. It was, just, a thing.

- When Bono dropped an F-bomb on TV, I shrugged.

- When Little E dropped an S-bomb on TV, I shrugged.

- When the poorly-preserved Nicolette Sheridan dropped her towel and fawned over Terrell Owens, I shrugged.

What I simply cannot believe is ALL THE SUDDENLY MORAL acolytes who are just climbing all over each other to be the first, the loudest, and the most pious in denouncing these things!! Whether you believe that the New Moral Emphasis started with 9/11 or with Slick Willie-n-Monica, what the hell is with you HYPOCRITES???

If you truly do live in a home without sin, then go ahead and cast the first stone.

When it is proven scientifically five years from now that there is a nationwide epidemic of raping and murdering because a boob fell out during the Super Bowl, or because a Desperate Housewife came on to a split end during NFL pregame, then I'll be happy to announce a date and time when you all can come up, and I'll bend over and you all can kick my ass.

But it is more likely that, if God forbid any of our children grow up to be Stranger Danger, it won't be because of something they saw on the tube. More than likely, it will be because they're from a broke fucking home, and one or both of their parents weren't around to talk to them when they needed it.

Let me just point out three such fucking hypocrites that I PERSONALLY know, and who have had problems with my opinions over the last couple of years.

- Contestant 1 flushed her marriage away because she just couldn't stop sucking guys' cocks in the parking lot of the bar she frequents

- Contestant 2 just lost his wife because he was banging the temp who would come in to do their bookkeeping

- Contestant 3 is seperated from his wife, because he kept going out of town on meetings with one of his direct reports

Of course, all these fine folks have kids, and all were just HORRIFIED about JanetGate.

Why didn't I care? Shit, I figured at anytime, I can turn on channel 34 and watch buxom girls in bras and panties jump on a trampoline, or I can turn on channel 42 to watch graphic simulations of breast implant surgeries performed by corrupt surgeons, or I can always turn on channel 37 to see several stoned people all living in a house, taking turns sleeping with each other.

Ah, but you say, Slothboy, that's Cable TV. JanetGate and Bono were on the Networks. Yeah, what about 'Survivor', where buxom babes crawl around in the mud sans underwear, trying to 'get with' other castaways in order to 'make alliances' to win a cash prize? How about 'Fear Factor', where buxom women in skin-tight clothing are forced in compromising positions while snakes and bugs crawl all over them? How about 'NYPD Blue', where all sorts of nudity, cussing, drug abuse, violence, and other shit go on routinely, and they win AWARDS?

Double standard on my part? Hell no, let the Survivors and Sipowitz live forever, for all I care. The most disturbing programming on TV, in my view, are things like 'The Bachelor', where people are forced to have their courtship televised, every last private detail of their lives busted open for all to see, and at the end of the four-week ordeal, PEOPLE PROPOSE MARRIAGE to each other? Let all the 'Gays can't Marry' crowd crow all they want about the 'sanctity of marriage' ....and 'Average Joe' preserves the sanctity, how....?

So this is the conflict I am faced with right now, and this is what has led me astray the last several months. On an internet where beheadings are available at your fingertips, and people want to complain about me? That, and my COMPLETE and TOTAL disappointment in the 2004 Chicago Cubs, the whiniest, most undeserving bunch of babies this side of 4-5 year old tee-ball, has made me real tired, real discouraged, and most of all, real UNWILLING TO GO THIS ALONE in our new Nation of Fear and Loathing.

So, here's the announcement

I am joining forces with other CBA members Byron of The Cubdom.com, Billy of the Rooftop Report, and Kurt from CubFanNation and facetious.org, to form the Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. Soon, I will either be e-mailing you, posting this on the CubsCoven, or simply posting it here, as to where you will find me next. I believe the site will be goatriders.org, but this could change.

There are some advantages to this approach. I will be off of Blogger, and working with guys who know a HELL of a lot more about page design than I. It will give me a fresh start, and I will get back to the bread-n-butter, talking about the Cubs as they blunder their way into 2005 and beyond. We will have a message board, although my first priority will always be the Coven, I will be able to check the GoatBoard too, for it will probably draw a different clientele of Cub Fans. Most of all, I won't have the feeling anymore like I am a sitting duck, alone on the pond of discontent.

Now, many of you know Kurt. In fact, Kurt was a big part of the reason why the CubsCoven was even formed. I once went out to a nameless, faceless message board, slapped around some 15 year old kids who thought that s@mmE wA$ dA bOmB!, and someone named Kurt TOS'd me for getting personal.

Then a kindly fellow named Hawk brought me over to the Coven, which at the time was a collection of similar hard-bitten heart-broken wretches, who had been doing battle with Kurt and his ilk for years. So certainly there was a great deal of hatred and resentment of Kurt by people I admire and trust, and it continues to this day.

Thing is, I never really got into the Kurt bashing that much. All I know that he tries hard, and loves the Cubs, but with many other twenty-somethings, kind of lacks the perspective that the forty-and-fifty-somethings (and Stew, who was a batboy when Cap Anson got his 3,000th hit) have. I've tried over the years to (gently) point this out to him, and he's nothing if not a willing recipient.

He also is very creative, and the whole 'Goat Riders' theme works on several levels. I always wanted to be Fear or Pestilence, but I get to be Sloth there, too, and certainly I share his view that the Cubs Apocalypse is nigh. A critical mass has been formed with the drafting of stud pitchers with almost total disregard of position players. (That's the way I would go, too, if it were me). It's going to be real messy this year...either we will taste the most glorious of prizes, or its all going to implode and all sort of matter will get sucked into the vortex of the Apocalypse.

Anyway, Kurt vows that he isn't gonna mess with what I have to say, and the beauty of not getting paid to do this kicks in here. If he's serious, then I have a happy home in which to thrash around and dent shit. If not, then I just move on.

I must admit jealousy when guys such as 'Big Red C' Derek get tapped to write for all-baseball.com and I don't. Derek's great, and I knew going in that my style was uncouth and unconventional, and certainly wouldn't lend itself well to a more typical site. It was just my luck that I decided to take a break, and literally ten seconds later, I checked my e-mail, and an invite, dated two days prior, was sitting there. I believe in coincidences, which is probably NOT the best way to approach life, but some of the most thrilling, fulfilling events of my life have come about due to a funny coincidence.

Anyway, what did I think on 9/11? Probably most of you were scared, that your entitlement as an American to live out your life safe from attack was just revoked, and you SWORE that someone was going to pay dearly.

I was scared too, but what I was most scared about was the fact that I knew that this was the start of World War 3. I knew we weren't just going to sit here and take it, but I wondered how many and how much would die. I just never figured that Humor, irony, and light-heartedness would be casulties, too. And before you flame me about how insensitive I am to whine about humor when 2,500 people died on 9/11 and over 1,500 have died in the Middle East since, please remember one thing.

Without humor, many people, such as myself, aren't able to cope with such tragedies.

See you soon.

11/15/2004 10:06:00 AM by Rob

Oh yeah, one more thing

Congrats to the Stud Dog He Man Coal City Coalers, who let in one quick tuddy Friday night, then spent the rest of the game just bashing the living shit out of both of the quarterbacks Prairie Central trotted out there. They had SEVEN picks, and EIGHT sacks, and TWO kick returns for TD, and they get to host the State Semis next Saturday at Dzuris Stadium, the Coalerdome, against longtime famous school Quincy Notre Dame.

Brandon Howard (5 picks) gets to be Little Lotto. He'd be Lottery if he only'd Pick Four. I ain't never seen five picks, though. The 1993 semi was at home, too, and we needed to pull that one out our butt, and I'd expect this game to be at least that close. It felt good to pull for the green-n-gold again.

11/15/2004 10:06:00 AM by Rob

Rebuttal

Contrary to popular belief, my latter week rants were not pointed at any ONE individual, but were shaped by my experiences with several such individuals who voted for the other guy, and took offense to being called dumbfucks. Hey, Bush got more votes than Kerry, and he deserved to win the election, so lacking the funds and the balls to actually MOVE to Alberta, I gotta deal, right?

It had also occured to me that perhaps several such individuals have loved ones actually IN Iraq. Look, I do not think we should be there at all. But that doesn't mean that I am any less sympathetic to the people that are. It doesn't mean I am going to spit in their faces when they come home. In fact, I pray for them, and I want them to all come back alive, and well, and in one piece. I want them to come home as soon as possible, to reunite with their loved ones. Give peace a chance?

I'm bored to tears of Sammy Sosa

It would have been best to have traded him as soon as humanly possible. Already this issue is clouding the off-season, causing arguments between fans, probably causing divisions between teammates (assuming they actually communicate during the off season, which may be unlikely).

On the Coven, they are thoughtfully analyzing next year's Sosa production against the production we would get from a Cliff Floyd, a Chan Ho Park, etc. They are constructing batting orders in order to get the max from whatever we would get in return for Sosa. They're talking about payroll flexibility, and otherwise treating this situation as a Normal trade, like we're dealing from some sort of position of strength.

But we're not. Let's not make it any more difficult than it is. He cannot stay. Even if he goes to the Rockies and hits a hundred homers next year, we are better off without him. Let's apply undergraduate logic to the problem. If A represents "having Sammy Sosa", B represents "not having Sammy Sosa" and C represents "winning a pennant"...

If he stays, we will not win.

If he goes, nothing can be implied.

But what is certain, is that his selfishness, his stubbornness, and his short-cut, third world method to everything from Spring Training, to Media Relations, to Corking and Supplementing, KEEPS us from winning.

If A, then NOT C. I WANT C. But I know that I can't have A if I want C.

So cut him off. The Tribune can afford it. They can try to get a return, but in the long run, whatever tangible return may be outweighed by the intangible negative feelings from a winter of 'I said, he said, they said'. Which, if you haven't figured out by now, I put TEN TIMES the stock into the intangible factors of winning than I do the fucking numbers.

Friday, November 12

11/12/2004 03:37:00 PM by Rob

Alright, alright, some Cub content, then...

Seems that Sam-Me wasn't the only moron taking the last day of the year off. Yep, this is probably old news for you by now, but Kyle Farns #44 obviously decided that the last day wasn't worth getting up for, and so he decided to sleep in a little more, with hopes that when the travel agent from Berwyn he picked up the night before finally woke up from her drunken coma, she might be persuaded to stick her ankles up around her earlobes one more time.

I mean, you know, after she takes a piss, and gargles.

I'm waiting for someone to play the Race card. Sosa plays hooky and catches hell...Farns does the same, and nothing happens? Well, there are several major differences here:

1) Sam wears the 'C' on his sleeve: Farns wears women's garters under his tight trou
2) Sam is a Warrior, a Gladiator: Farns has never made such wild-ass pronouncements
3) Sam is actually doing all the bitching about being disrespected: Farns is probably buried so deep in stewardi right now, he could give a SHIT less about sports
4) Sam acts like he owns the place. Farns probably doesn't even OWN a boombox
5) Farns is gone, it's just a matter of to whom. He's extremely tradeable. Sosa is an $36 million albatross around the Tribune's neck.

So Farnsworth blew off the last day? Good. So did Sam-me? No wonder we won.

11/12/2004 10:13:00 AM by Rob

Some of you are just out of your fucking minds, Part II

Let me begin with this brief obituary:

Humor, born 10,000 BC, died 9/11/2001. Preceded in death by Irony, Sarcasm, and Critical Thought. Survivors include the FCC, the Republican presidency, and the Moral Majority. There are no services planned. Do not send flowers.

There are people who have known me for 20 years plus who are CONVINCED, absolutely certain, that I am some sort of left-wing commie because:

1) I devoted my site to Russian brides
2) I sent along a revised US map that I got from my friend Wigs, where all the blue (Kerry) states are marked off as 'America', and all the red (Bush) states are labelled 'Dumbfuckistan'.

Now, as for the first point, I just think a lot of them chicks are hott.

As for the new map of Dumbfuckistan, yeah, it's a joke. If you went to high school with me, grew up with me, don't you remember? I used to cut up a lot. I got a lot of "you've changed" and "you've really turned your back on your Catholic upbringing" and "how dare you call us dumbfucks, you always thought you were better than us", and other such crap.

Let me offer a few simple answers. I've changed? Fuck you, YOU'VE changed. Some of you fucks who spent their formative years sucking fumes off of the big blue Grafix, playing your punk rock and swearing that you'd NEVER, EVER become the Man? Don't get me wrong, I'm GLAD you threw the Grafix away, and are now responsible husbands and fathers. But I'm not the one who's done the 180 degree turn from who I was. I still have ideals, and ideas, and I didn't pack those away so I can make enough money to afford a max mortgage so I can play lots of Texas Hold-em with my co-workers and still have cash to re-do my basement to hide in when I desperately need to try to find the old me.

My Catholic Upbringing? Is this the same Institution that lets my first wife receive the Eucharist, even though she sucked as much Black and Mexican dick as she could while we were married, and lets my second wife receive Eucharist, even though she completely deserted her husband and stepsons, and stole everything they had while they went to the doctor for the child's strep throat, and pretends that we never existed? And, when I asked said friends for a reference to annul that SHAM of a marriage, nobody, not even my OWN PARENTS, would take the hour it took to fill out the questionnaire, which was OK with the parish priest, because he himself was too busy formulating an exit plan, because he diddled some kids? So now, because I married a Methodist, I CANNOT receive communion?? I love Jesus Christ, but Fuck the GodDamned Catholic Church and all it stands for.

Finally, I guess it is wrong to call you Dumbfucks, even though you let someone else make your decisions for you. George Bush is NOT a moral person, under any reasonable definition of Christian morality. He simply does NOT do unto others as he would have them do unto you. He sent thousands of Americans and many more thousands of Iraqi citizens to their deaths, for reasons that to this day are unclear. Would HE understand if Saddam Hussein tried to bomb HIS house? Would he stand by idly if some greater being dragged his precious daughters away, so that they could ride around in an open-topped truck while wild American-hating maniacs lobbed grenades at them?

Fuck, NO! He'd use some of his money, and bribe someone to put the twin Bush hotties in cushy hostess jobs in some ritzy commissary in Dusseldorf.

I am sorry if I called you dumbfuck, and your feelings are hurt. I remember a time when it wouldn't have fazed you, and would have shot back by calling me 'Pick-and-Sniff', or worse. I really thought you were tougher than that.

Thursday, November 11

11/11/2004 10:34:00 AM by Rob

No more Russian Bride solicitations for today

Yeah, I know its as fake as hell, but who knew that behind the Iron Curtain there lurked a land full of hotties who like to have their picture taken. No wonder they wanted to keep Yankee out!

No, today's Sloth Stiffo is brought to you by Omar Minaya, Jim Duquette, and everyone else in the Mets' front office, who are doing everything they can to bring in the Great Sammy Sosa. Wheee!! Yahoo!!!

It wouldn't be a bad deal (on paper) for the Mets, because every day would be Dominican Day at their landfill, and Sosa WILL bust his ass in New York. But, as I have said millions of times, I don't care if he hits 50 and drives in 120 over there. He just lacks the humility, the empathy, and the cooperative spirit that comprises the difference between a winner and a lifelong loser like Sosa.

Wednesday, November 10

11/10/2004 01:29:00 PM by Rob

While we wait for Winter Meetings News about Sam-Me

You all don't mind if I turn this site into a portal for Russian Brides, do you?

If you're a man, who spends a little too much time charting the regressive trends of Mike Barrett's Pct of Runners Stealing to his EqA, and you haven't had the time to, say, develop any social graces, I say, Let's Stop Wasting Time!!

It's gonna be below freezing tomorrow here in Chicagoland, and you need a little tummy-warmer for the winter months! You want a gorgeous, hot chick, who has never even HEARD of Equal Rights, and will suck and fuck whenever YOU want, and won't mind at ALL if you spend all of your free time elbow-deep in the sortable stats at Baseball Reference, putting together next year's keeper league team.

Today's Russian Bride, thanks to AnastasiaNet, is Svetlana:

Age: 30
Date of Birth: 4/23/1974
Height: 5' 6" (168 cm)
Weight: 112 lbs (51 kg)
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Blond
Profession: Manager
Education: Technical school
Language ability: E3
Second Language
Third Language
Religion: Christian
Marital Status: Div
Children: Girl - 9
Drinking: Socialy
Smoking: No

Residence: Donetsk, Ukraine

Character:
On character I'm the optimist. Always I go forward. I try to be natural, tolerant. In life to me it was necessary to be by the strong woman, but in soul I'm sensitive and romantic.

Interests:
I love sports, to dance and to read

Looking For Type:
I do not search an ideal. For me is necessary the man, which, really, became my second half, which could make my life happy, with kind and correct heart. The man to which the love is necessary.

Looking For Age:
33 - 45

Dudes!!! She LOVES sports! She wants the man to which the love is NECESSARY!! Whoo!! And, she's an E3! That means she knows enough English to ask you where the bathroom is, but dumb enough to get excited when you say you want to give her a "pearl necklace"!!

How can U lose? CALL NOW!!

Tuesday, November 9

11/09/2004 09:56:00 AM by Rob

If not you, then who? If not now, then when?

The following interview appears in today's Chicago Tribune. Since not everyone wants to subscribe to the on-line Trib, here it is in it's entireity, after which we shall discuss its message:

Bringing heat
Wood sounds off on Cubs' flop, Sosa's AWOL

By Fred Mitchell
Tribune staff reporter

November 9, 2004

One month after the Great Collapse of 2004, Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood still has a bad taste in his mouth.

"I'm definitely very disappointed in what happened this season," Wood said in an interview with the Tribune on Monday from his winter home in Scottsdale, Ariz., after returning from vacation in Mexico with his wife, Sarah. "It should not have come down to the last two or three weeks. We should have had it locked up before then. The last two weeks were definitely disappointing. Seems like we lacked a little bit of fire when we needed it."

The Cubs lost seven of their last nine games and were eliminated from postseason consideration entering the final game of the season against Atlanta at Wrigley Field. Disgruntled veteran Sammy Sosa decided not to dress in uniform and skipped out on his teammates shortly after the game began. He was later fined $87,400 by the team—a day's pay.

Wood's name has been widely circulated as one of the Cubs players who took a bat to Sosa's noise-pulsating boom box in the clubhouse that final day.

"I don't have the balls to do that," Wood said. "There have been times in the past … (when Wood felt like doing that). I came in four or five days later to get my stuff and I didn't notice anything."

Asked if Sosa would be welcomed back by his teammates next spring if he is not traded, Wood said, "It (leaving his teammates on the final day of the season) was kind of what it has been like for the past three years. Sammy does his thing. Especially that last day, a lot of guys were disappointed. None of us wanted to be there, but we all suited up."

The Cubs finished with 89 victories and back-to-back winning seasons for the first time since 1971-72. Yet the star-studded Opening Day roster did portend a postseason berth following the 2003 season in which they came within five outs of making it to the World Series.

"It's tough when you have four or five guys on the DL at the same time," said Wood, who finished with an 8-9 record and a 3.72 earned-run average. He suffered two of the losses in the final seven setbacks.

While Wood tries to make sense of a disappointing season, Sarah Wood remains upbeat while planning a Nov. 20 cancer research fundraiser at Ten Pin Bowling Lounge in Marina City. The celebrity bowling event, called "Strike Zone," will support Children's Memorial Hospital. The Wood's first charity fundraiser event will be followed by a dinner and concert by Cheap Trick at the House of Blues in the Foundation Room.

The Web site for the event with ticket information is www.childrensmemorial.org./strikezone. Several current and former Cubs players are expected to take part in the celebrity bowling event, including Mark Prior, LaTroy Hawkins, Mark Grace and Ryne Sandberg.

"It was certainly a year that we wished had ended a different way," Sarah Wood said of the 2004 season. "This gives us a lot more motivation for next year. What happened to the Red Sox could happen to us."

"I was glad to see them win," Kerry Wood said of the Red Sox.

The American League wild-card Red Sox won the World Series for the first time since 1918. The Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908.

The team is likely to have a new look next year. It didn't pick up the options on Moises Alou and Mark Grudzielanek, and the future of starting pitcher Matt Clement also appears in doubt with the Cubs.

"It's tough to replace any of those guys," Wood said. "That's kind of the way the game of baseball goes. You pretty much know what you are getting with Clement. I'm not sure who would replace him."

Wood also commented on the resignations of longtime Cubs broadcasters Steve Stone and Chip Caray. Both moves were fueled by friction stirred by a few Cubs players who complained about the broadcasters' criticism of the team's performance.

"I have heard more than enough about the Steve Stone issue," Wood said. "I think it got really overplayed in the media. I'm happy for Chip; he gets a chance to go work with his father (Skip Caray) in Atlanta.

There was an incident (pitcher Kent Mercker calling the TV booth to complain during a game). But you know what? There have been a lot of incidents that don't get in the paper and the public doesn't find out. Now we look like a bunch of [jerks] to the rest of the league, people saying it would be tough to root for us because we look like a bunch of whiners."

Wood has been outspoken over the years about his team improving its focus and effort. He acknowledges that it is tougher to be a team leader as a starting pitcher than as an everyday player.

"Can it be done? Maybe," Wood said. "The bottom line is to be ready to play every day."

Wood disputed the commonly held notion that the Cubs were uptight throughout the season because of high expectations.

"I hope not," he said. "I have played a lot of years when there weren't any high expectations. That's definitely not any fun."

Wood served a five-game suspension last season following an April 17 incident during which he charged toward plate umpire Eric Cooper and berated him.

He said he has no nagging injuries or surgeries to deal with during the off-season.

"I spent two months on the DL, so I am rested," he said with a laugh.

He said he was frustrated that his arm injury was not immediately diagnosed properly. He was placed on the disabled list on May 12 with a sore right triceps. Wood said he did not think that misdiagnosis and ensuing treatment regimen contributed to the firing of trainers David Groeschner and Sandy Krum.

Wood's message to Cubs fans is that the players are as disappointed as they are that the team did not make it to the playoffs. And he is happy the St. Louis Cardinals lost in the World Series.

"The fact that the Red Sox won should be encouraging as far as ending the [Cubs] curse," he said.

Copyright © 2004, The Chicago Tribune

Well, isn't THAT special? Isn't he CUTE, playing a latter-day Mark Grace?

I had a conversation similar to this after the football game on Saturday, with my son the left tackle. I asked why he thought they lost, and he mentioned the infighting amongst the teammates, the bickering amongst the coaches, and open weeping everywhere. In his opinion, they're all mentally weak, and they can't win that way. I personally agree with him 1 million percent.

OK, I say. You know what's wrong. You're smart enough, do someting about it!

Then, like with Kerry Wood, the excuses came. I'm just a sophomore, I don't start, I can only influence a few guys, but having a few guys pulling in a different direction is worse than not saying anything at all.

Yes, I agree with the pulling analogy. But he missed my point. I don't give a red rat's ass how much he plays! He just said he was smarter than everyone else in the room. (And, this is not a dad talking out his ass. He IS. Just trust me on this one, alright?) Are you not smart enough, I ask, to pull One Fast One by everyone in that room?

Yeaaaah, he said with obvious distaste, like I would even ask.

Alright, then. You're smarter than Shawn the Screamer. Smarter than Kris the Sobber, smarter even than Coach Calamity. IF you're a Leader, IF you're a Winner, whether your name is Kerry Wood or Nick Slothson, FUCKING TAKE CHARGE MENTALLY AND CHANGE THINGS FOR THE BETTER. Convince everyone else in the room that bitching, screaming, crying, and fondling their own tits ISN'T going to beat the other guy.

Are they men or are they bitches? When you're a Man, and you're surrounded by Bitches, you either slap them hoes or you push they ass out the door. It doesn't matter if you're the 2004 Cubs, the 2004 Corn Hole Trojans, or in the boardroom of Acme Widget Corporation. To be The Man, you have to Lead, Rise Above, and pull One Fast One on everyone else, to convince them of doing something that, if left to themselves, they'd have No Chance of doing.

Wood can give all the angry interviews he wants, and say the Right Thing to us, but more importantly, Woody, you gotta convince them Bitches in your clubhouse of the Right Thing.

Which he probably has a decent chance of doing, for all but one big fat swollen infected puspocket who wears Number 21, thinks only of himself, and needs to be beaten to death with a baseball bat with a fucking rusty nail sticking out of the barrel.

Monday, November 8

11/08/2004 01:34:00 PM by Rob

Bear with me

I know you gotta be wondering why I of all peoples haven't said much about all the Sosa rumors:

Sosa 2 the Yankees for Kevin Brown
Sosa 2 the Mutts for Cliff Floyd
Sosa 2 the Dodgers for Shawn Green
Sosa 2 the Rockies in a three-ply trade involving Prestone Wilson
Sosa 2 the Orioles for Larry Bigbee and Jerry Hairston
Sosa 2 the Sux for William Ligue, Jr., his son, and a skinhead to be named later
Sosa 2 the NY Giants for Kurt Warner
Sosa 2 the Roush racing team for Greg Biffle and cash
Sosa 2 the WWE for the draft rights of Dwayne Johnson aka Rocky Flavia aka The Rock
Sosa 2 Balco for a bucket of warm spit
Sosa 2 Queer Eye 4 the Straight Guy for Jai Rodriguez

and, of course, my favorite:

Sosa 2 Vivid Video for TT Boy, Chasey Lain, and that chick that ran for Governor of California on the "no implants" platform.

But I'm just still too woozy and sleepy to be funny, and b-sides, this gives us another day to collect even MORE Sammy Rumors. But, be sure, I'll have lots to say soon, so please please please please DO check back

11/08/2004 11:07:00 AM by Rob

unnatural feeling

I've watched perhaps 85% of my high school's football games. EVER. It's EZ to do when they start the entire program your freshman year.

So for 25 years, regardless of where I've lived, I've pulled hard for the Green-and-Gold. Even when I lived in Lemont in 1998, the Coalers came to town, and I sat on the visitor's side, by the mosquitoes.

But Saturday, I'm up in the big stands in the first half, wearing PURPLE, like a big fucking Barney, yelling things like "We're chewing you UP, Coal-TOWN!!" It was RIGHT THEN where I felt like a complete traitor, being untrue to myself.

For it WAS a close game on Saturday, for the first half, anyway. Coalers won the toss, and elected to kick (which is what I'd do, too, but...the FUCKERS!!) and Mendota shoved it right down their throats, against that record-setting defense, all the way to a 4th-and-goal at the 3.

Which is where our coach decided to get cute by trotting the field goal team out. Now, MY kid is on the field-goal team, so I should have been happy, right? Did I mention yet, that we haven't converted a field goal all season? Our coach, who is a MISERABLE excuse for a leader, couldn't WAIT to break Cardinal Rule #1 for Big Games:

- Thou shalt not do anything different than you hast done all season long.

Of course, Coal City shoves it back down our throats, then drives right down the field for seven. The good news is, our drive took NINE minutes, and Coal City's took 5, so a good portion of quarter 2 was already in the books. When up against a superior opponent, shorten up the game as much as possible.

After some taffy pulling, Mendota muffed a punt, and our brain-surgeon coach sends out his goal line team. When Coal City was at the ten. This WASN'T the first time this has happened, and the result has always been the same: namely, on the first play, Coal City ran around our big fat guys for six.

But Mendota marched right back down the field, and scored with less than a minute left. OKAY, we thought, only down one score, we'll take that momentum boost, not bad, not bad at all. Of course, what happened next decided the game, and caught everyone wearing purple by surprise; that is, everyone except me, and a couple of other guys who understand how the game of football actually works.

The Coalers only throw to one guy, #18, a thyroid freak we know from way back. Well, with 18 seconds left, he catches a sideline pass for about 15. With 11 seconds left, he catches a sideline pass for about 15. When he caught another sideline pass for about 15 with 4 seconds left, there was MUCH rejoicing on the purple side of the field: "Hee-Haw, what the hell are THEY smoking? They're just wasting time, and we're holding them down!!" That was when, with the ball on our 31, the Coal City field goal team came out.

FOR, and I was willing to tell one and all, if only one of the coaches would have asked, a) Coal City only throws to #18, and b) the Coal City kicker's longest FG made this year was 52. Snap, kick, wHANG!! against the crossbar, BLOOP! over the bar, Coal City 17, Mendota 7, and everyone in the place wearing purple, the fans, players, and coaches EXCEPT me and Nick just looked at the goalposts like they just grew hair, arms, legs, and tits.

Game, set, match. Coal City came out the second half and just fucking RAN over us. We were lucky to keep the score down below "running clock" territory. (40+ point lead).

Anyway, never again will I need to commit such treachery. I hope I am welcomed back somewhat this weekend, as the Coalers take on Prairie Central in the State Quarterfinals live from the Coalerdome. Thank you for your indulgence.

As for Sosa-for-Green, yes, I realize that this DOES take away from the possibility of getting Carlos Beltran, which sucks. The Tribune has enough money to pay Beltran, even if the Dominican Rectal Itch stays in town. But it won't happen, even if they trade Sosa for Green, who makes $16 milldeaux his ownself.

It'd still be an improvement, even if Green can't throw from me to the next cube.

Friday, November 5

11/05/2004 03:24:00 PM by Rob

The Brawl 4 it all

Class 4A Playoffs here in Corn Hole: the 7-3 Corn Hole Trojans vs. the 9-1 Black Lung Coalers!!

Hey, it's a win/win for Big Daddy Sloth. Whether his alma mater wins, or his kid's team, he knows he's going to see SOMEONE play in the quarters for whom he owns a sweatshirt for...

Big times tomorrow, kids. Storefronts decorating, ribbons on the light poles, old dudes mowing the field by hand. The Sloth my own self will entertain a couple of classmates before the game with pork-n-beers at Main Street Saloon, then on to the gridiron. Can't wait! Love High School football...LOVE IT!!

I was convinced that the Coalers were going to hammer the Trojans, but the more I read and hear, this isn't going to go to a 'running clock'. It will be close, and competitive, and as exciting as a greco-roman wrestling match with Kristanna Loken

Thursday, November 4

11/04/2004 08:17:00 AM by Rob

I saw Blacks voting for Bush

When it became clear that the majority of voters in the State of Ohio had voted for Dubya, I took to bed, and did not stir until pretty much now. I currently feel like the shell of a Sloth, like my guts had been scooped out with a hand trowel, and it isn't just the lack of a flu shot, or the rumor that Nomar might want to go play second for the Steingrabber, that is causing me to feel this way.

Once again, I qualify my statements by stating that I am NOT a political expert. Perhaps there were grave tactical errors committed by the Democratic Party or by its candidate for president. Maybe it was because George-n-Laura make a cuter couple than Bassett Hound-n-Ketchup Face.

If you voted for Bush because he's better looking than Kerry, you're an ass, but you're better off than people who used another rationale for voting for him.

It appears that the single greatest factor in Bush's favor this year is "moral issues".

MORAL ISSUES??? MORAL ISSUES??!?!?! Goddamnit son-of-a bitch cocksucking motherfucking dumb shit white trash baby fucking hillbillies???? I saw BLACKS voting for a man who doesn't give a fig SHIT about them, because "he's a God-fearing man".

Yes, Bush GOES TO CHURCH, and sucks evangelist dick, and takes their money. He's from Texas, which seems like a more "down-home" place than Massachussetts.

He goes to church, like a lot of other HYPOCRITES I know, like both of my ex-wives. He goes to church, but he sends thousands of our young people in harm's way so that his rich petrochemically-connected friends, like Dick Cheney, can make billions rebuilding what our military tears up.

Oil is $55 a barrel. Fuckers like me, who commute to work, are feeling the pinch. Who's swimming in gravy right now? Yep, Big Motherfucking Oil, all over Texas, fatasses are buying new steer-horns for their Cadillacs right now, because they're flush. And their bestest, most connected buddy, Mr. President, has four more years to sell us out.

Thanks, America. If you voted for Bush, you let someone else do your heavy intellectual lifting for you. You let someone tell you that a man with oily money in his pockets, and blood on his hands, was the better man.

Next time some sand monkey blows up another building, beheads another hostage in an orange jumpsuit, or causes another flight to be cancelled because he sneezed funny, and you want to bitch and moan about WHOSE FAULT IT IS, it's yours, you pisssucking twat, for not using your brain for anything more than storing yummy chicken recipes that involve Miracle Whip.

Tuesday, November 2

11/02/2004 03:03:00 PM by Rob

Barrage of babes

For some reason, the name Paulina Rubio:

is stuck in my head as the girl I wanted to research today. But certainly she does not qualify as "age appropriate". I am very appreciative of all the suggestions thus far.

Here are a few more I found in my travels:

Once, I watched "The Bachelor", and it was the night that FAG Bachelor Bob booted Kelly Jo Kuharski off of the show. That's when I KNEW Bob was Gay. I have already taken the precaution of putting Kelly Jo in the All-Majestic, and Kristanna Loken in my age-appropriate All-Majestic:

I don't give a seamless fuck HOW old she is; she's appropriate enought for me.

Finally, the chick below:

reports that she has trouble "getting with" guys, because every time she has sex, it's so good, her partners propose marriage to her on the spot. THAT tightened my hides....

11/02/2004 10:22:00 AM by Rob

Help a Sloth in the early stages of Alzheimer's

This weekend, while I was driving somewhere, and I'm always driving somewhere, two names came to mind for research and possible inclusion to the "More Age Appropriate All-Majestic List". I'm sure you all understand how important this is.

One of the names, the one I remember, is Elisabeth Shue.

She may be on YOUR list, and God bless you. She doesn't make the All-Majestic.

I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten the other name.

I need YOUR help. Submit your late-twenties or thirty-something models/actresses/singers/other noteworthy babes, and hopefully one of you jogs my mammary...

Thank you in advance for your assistance in this pointless, strange exercise.

UPDATE: getting all the usual suspects (except for Connie Nielsen, never heard of her, and WHY haven't I? Strong..) Gina Gershon was NOT the name I had in mind, and although this was probably the most modest pose I saw out there of her, me likey lots:

Monday, November 1

11/01/2004 01:51:00 PM by Rob

The Sloth's Presidential Endorsement - 2004

I am a centrist, in that I don't have any particular direction that I face.

I am for gun control. I am also for capital punishment. I am against abortion, but I am for sex education in the schools. I think the truly unfortunate of our nation needs to be taken care of, and I think they need to be taken care of first, before we take care of other unfortunates elsewhere. However, I don't think the burden for providing for these unfortunates should come out of the pockets of the middle class. I think it is perfectly fine to have "God" be part of the Pledge of Allegiance in our schools, as well as the Ten Commandments on display in whetever statehouse you may have.

For those of you who might find this incongruous, keep in mind that I don't find MY morality in what someone else TELLS me, but in my heart and in my relationship with God and man. If you can't understand this simple concept, then there's no way I'm going to get through to you, and come back tomorrow for more exciting Sammy bashing.

For the rest of you, my choice comes down to two simple statements:

1) George Bush invaded Iraq, against the wishes of the UN. He invaded Iraq without having ANY hard proof that Iraq had the ability to attack us, and without having ANY hard proof that Iraq had ANYTHING to do with 9/11. The UN said so, and if you can't trust the UN, you can't trust anything in this world. As a result, in an attempt to avenge 2,500 American lives, he has lost over 1,100. This is simply unacceptable.

2) George Bush is using Fear of Terrorism to run for a second term of office. He is thorougly and brazenly INSULTING MY INTELLIGENCE, and this is also unacceptable.

To me, the choice is this: if you want to have fear and distrust rule your life, if you really don't believe that the whole Iraq situation is about Big Oil making money, then I'm sure you think Dubya is protecting you, and go ahead and vote for him.

I don't agree with you, at all, and I'm voting for the other guy who has a chance to win. I don't agree with a lot of what John Kerry stands for, but I do know this: if he were President, he would not have invaded Iraq.

And, paradoxically, we MAY have better concentrated our efforts to catching OSAMA, and we MAY have his shit-stained ass by now.

11/01/2004 11:00:00 AM by Rob

Just Cut him

So, Sammy Sosa is sitting at home, complaining that he was mistreated last year when Dusty Baker moved his .249 average down in the six hole, that his "nearly six hundred" homeruns earned him the respect of Perpetual Cleanup Hitter.

Now, you all KNOW what I think of such a proclamation. It would be kind of piling on for me to write 500 swear words about the cheating pusdick right now. It wouldn't be right, though, if I didn't point out several major reasons why Sammy's account at the First National Bank of Trust is overdrawn:

1) He is a known cheater
2) He is a clubhouse nuisance, at best. Some might call him a Cancer, or a coach-killer.
3) He has never been a fundamentally sound ballplayer, even in his best years
4) He is at the age where most players accept a lesser role.
5) His best years are, as of now, three years ago, and are NEVER coming back.
6) His off-field activities are quite shady, above the norm shady, from the failure of his charitable organization, to the sweat-shop crooks he associates with.
7) He has not led by example, putting himself ABOVE the team, working our way back from the last game fiasco, to his perpetual late arrivals for spring training, to corkgate, to his charter plane fiasco of 2002, blowing off CubFest, etc, etc, all the way back to socking his wife with a rum-bottle.
8) His salary negotiations are always public, rancorous, and confrontational.
9) Finally, and of most importance to ME at the present moment, is that he is a one-dimensional player, a .250 hitter, a strikeout king, who happens to bop one every four games or so, who has more minuses than plusses rightnow.

And what is the net effect of his latest complaining? It lessens his trade value, which HURTS the Cubs, and HELPS any trade partners the Cubs may have. He is burning any bridges left standing, and it becomes more clear every day that he must go elsewhere. This makes Hendry's job harder, and forces him to be much more clever than if Sosa hadn't shot off his big ugly mouth. Is it really worth taking someone else's bad actor to get rid of him? Is he really going to come back and bite us someday, without taking steroids?

I know the idea of eating $18 million is beyond the realm of possibility, when it comes to the Tribune, but looking at it from a strictly competitive standpoint, we would be better WITHOUT him and WITHOUT someone else's headache, then with either one. We'll never pull off another Turd-for-Grud and Karros trade again.

If I were Hendry, I'd stick my balls out, cut Sosa, and promise to resign if the club didn't win the pennant this year.

Of course, that's a lot to ask of a man, doing his dream job.

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