11/29/2005 09:44:00 AM by Rob

John Mabry?

Really? Isn't Larry Biiiiitner available?

Seriously, what can he do that The Crimson Shin can't? I don't want that Ex-Cardinal loser in here. It's like you have an acquaintance, not really a friend, just some scumbag who's always drinking where you're drinking, and if a girl's been with HIM, then it doesn't matter, no matter how hott she is, you don't want to touch her ass with a 10 foot pole, for fear that his dick-crabs are gonna jump on YOU.

That's how I feel about any ex-Cardinal. You've been tainted. Even the Great Al PooHoles can go get fucked, he can take his 150 RBI's elsewhere, I don't wann-em.

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11/28/2005 04:08:00 PM by Rob

Still don't feel like writing

idea stolen from BST:

HAVE YOU EVER:

Smoked a cigarette or tried it:

Once. I was nearly thirty. I was nearly blood-poisoned at the time.

Crashed a friend's car:

No

Stolen a car:

Nein

Been dumped:

Oh, Yeah. More than any of you.

Shoplifted:

They had so many many cool things at the department store I worked at as a kid, and there were so few few people watching over them. In fact, the people watching over them was....me! Bad mistake.

Been fired /laid off:

Forced to resign? Sure. Not at the department store, either.

Been in a fist fight:

Been a while. Actually, it was probably wife #1 when she was in the process of deserting me and the kids. She tried to run over me with her car. I then yanked her door open, and kicked her right in her fat ass. Good times.

Snuck out of your parent's house:

Not really my style.

Been arrested:

Nope.

Gone on a blind date:

Oh yeah. Met a girl in a 12-step program. Met nymphos, drunks, and my current wife.

Lied to a friend:

I can't recall any one time in particular, but I'm sure I'm guilty, because I'm a Sinner.

Skipped school:

Classes in college, but I was (also) a goody two-shoes in high school.

Seen someone die:

Nope

Been to Canada:

Several times, for a grand total of probably three hours in-country.

Been to Mexico:

Went to Cancun in '98. It royally sucked.

Eaten Sushi:

No. Haven't eaten fish bait, either.

Met someone in person from the internet:

Yep, most notably, Mrs. Sloth

Taken pain-killers:

I'm on 'em as I speak. I fear I burst a disc Saturday, trying to help Nick haul a treadmill into our house. Ow. Owowowowowowwww! He had already managed to get the new 265 lb. teevee in our house, and this thing was at least 50 lbs. lighter.

Had a tea party:

Not that I recall.

Cheated while playing a game:

Assuming golf counts, then yes, I have cheated while playing a game.

Fallen asleep at work:

Yep, quite recently, in fact, sitting up over my keyboard. Pathetic.


Used a fake ID:

Nope. Back in the day, there was no shortage of places willing to sell overpriced Old Style to a young man such as myself.

Felt an earthquake:

Last year, Nick burst into our room at about 3AM muttering about an earthquake. I asked him sincerely whether he was on drugs, because neither my wife or I had felt anything. The next day, it was all over the news. Sorry, son.

Touched a snake:

Yeah. I Didn't care for it, either.

Been robbed:

At gunpoint? No. Pickpocketed? Several times.

Petted a reindeer/goat:

In northern Wisconsin during one of my ex-in-laws' Vacations From Hell, we went to a petting zoo with nothing else better to do. Nick was about 2, and he grabbed a goat by the scrote. They are surprisingly strong for their size, especially when they're feeling sexually violated.

Won a contest:

The Knights Of Columbus Essay Contest of 1978. Good times. Free food.

Been suspended from school:

Nyet.

Been in a car accident:

Several small ones, nothing major. Was in a train wreck, too. Got on Channel 5 news for a brief moment.

Had braces:

Nunca.

Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night:

Sh-i-i-i-i-t. I've eaten a half-gallon at one sitting. Why do you think I'm the Sloth?

Witnessed a crime:

I watch Steve Bartman steal the 2003 pennant from us.

Seriously, I've witnessed a few little things.

Swam in the ocean:

Sure. Skin feels funky afterwards.

Sung karaoke:

Tainted Love, oooh ohhhh oh oh, Tainted Love....

Paid for a meal with only coins:

Sure, only for the purpose of getting rid of a lot of change. Nowadays, my wife enjoys collecting change. So I don't get to, anymore.

Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose:

A partial list of things that have come out my nose whilst laughing:

Water
Milk
Coke
mushrooms
corn nuts
spaghetti
kool-aid
Shasta cherry

Been kissed under mistletoe:

We usually have mistletoe, and I usually am the kisser, not the kissee.

Crashed a party:

I never got invited to any parties as a young drunk. How do you think I got around?

Worn pearls:

I've given them, never worn them.

Jumped off a bridge:

Jumped off of cliffs in the old strip mine holes.

Ate dog/cat food:

Milk Bones are mostly grain materials. They won't kill you.

Kissed a mirror:

Sure.

Glued your hand to something:

I've had Super Glue incidents, but nothing like the dude from American Pie.

Done a one-handed cartwheel:

Puh-leeze?

Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours:

Do I look like I have a vagina?

Didn't take a shower for a week:

No, not even.

Picked an Apple off a tree and eaten it?

Many many times. Gotten the Green Apple Fast Steps, too.

Been told by a complete stranger that you're hot:

Just once. She was, too. I asked her out. We finally went out. She drank probably more than a case of beer that night. I never could figure out whether or not she was drinking to avoid remembering me, or if she was just a souse. When I pulled up to her pad at the end of the evening, I had one of them Pinto "Fuck Her. Fuck Her Brains Out" moments. She was SO hot. She was SO drunk. She would have, I think.

I didn't. Asshole. I hoped she would call me again. She didn't.

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11/24/2005 10:09:00 AM by Rob

That's nice

We now have Scott Eyre and Bob Howry, and we now once again have a surplus of pitchers with major league experience as both starters and relievers, who will never pitch for us.

Go get some hitters now, Jim. Use whatever you can.

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11/22/2005 09:28:00 AM by Rob

Hard to be thankful when the bad news keeps coming

Yada yada...fat people die of heart disease, fat people get diabetes, fat people can't fit into theatre seats, airplane seats, ballgame seats. Fat people aren't taken seriously, get passed over for promotions, are more likely to suffer from domestic abuse, get picked last on the playground unless yer playing tug-of-war or team-smear-the-queer. You never get to be the top of the pyramid, so yer view is always on the bottom. Nobody gives you piggy-back rides, and what was most humiliating as a kid, back in the days before they developed small, powerful batteries, I always exceeded the weight limit on the really neet battery-powered cars my friends all had.

But, at least, I thought we had one small little advantage, that the extra fat would help shield and cushion our bones from breakage. Not so, according to a recent UK study. Fat kids are more likely to break bones.

Welllllll, no shit. These days, fat kids get to be cheerleaders, homecoming kings, and they get dates. In our enlightened times, you can be a fat pimp, pimpin' out his ho's for Twinkies. They make big fat Power Wheel cars for fat kids, they make big fat bikes with big fat tires, big fat skateboards and even big fat go-ped scooters that can sling up to 250 pound people 15 mph. Used to be, all a fat kid got to do was sit on the sidelines and be a spectator, maybe even be the water boy. So now, fat kids get to run as much as the skinny ones, and as they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

I always used to say that eating candy bars was Good for me...see? Milk Chocolate! It has milk, which has calcium, which is good for yer bones?? Everyone said I was wrong...I guess they were right.

Let us be thankful today that fat kids have as much opportunity as every other kid to break their bones playing. Also give thanks for what you have, and make sure to slip in a prayer for the troops in Iraq, who are sitting ducks for God knows what.

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11/18/2005 09:28:00 AM by Rob

What he is, and isn't

The Cubs have signed Scott Eyre as their first free agent splash this offseason. Very well, he's not Mike (Sling Blade) Remlinger, he's had more than one good year, he's not 40 years old, he's not washed up. If all is well, he prevents Glendon Rusch from getting jerked around into a swing role, which has not gone well for him personally. The Eyre signing is as much about Rusch as for himself, because Rusch is a left handed starter with modest talents, and what appears to me to be a similarly modest intellect. He needs to "know his role", and if so, he can be a fairly successful change-of-pace fourth starter, after teams get their fill of Zambrano, Prior, and perhaps Kerry Wood, more likely Jerome Williams. Mr. Maddux (and I will only refer to him this year as Mr.) should be our fifth starter and de facto pitching coach.

We then have, what? Dempster, Williamson, Eyre, Ohman, Novoa, and Wuertz as our bullpen? I've seen worse, I guess. The Ice man is gone, and I suspect that Wellemeyer (or Ohman or Wuertz or Novoa) would also serve as part of the bait that we need to pursue a Kevin Mench from the Rangers, or a Juan Pierre from the Fish, assuming that we're NOT going to get into a bidding war for the Drunken Master Rafael Furcal...which hopefully means that Ronny Cedeno IS going to play short.

One more thing: Chuck mentions the Rule V draft as the reason why Jon Leicester was traded. Chuck provides quite a shocking list of some of the available bodies that are eligible to be chosen if they are not protected. These include ALL of the brightest names from our vaunted (overrated) farm system. After Eyre's signing, we have three open slots on the 40-man roster. Obviously, we'd like to have more, and you start to look at some of the names (Corey Patterson) who are currently taking up space.

Hendry needs to start dealing, fast, furious, now.

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11/17/2005 03:01:00 PM by Rob

I ain't dead

Or out having fun, or pouting over the Sux winning a world championship, or pouting because my kid isn't starting on his basketball team, or pouting because it is very very obvious to one and all that our Commander in Chief and the mystery VP who is dangling his puppet strings are both either too stupid to read between the lines, or what is more likely, have conspired to start a war for financial and/or personal gain, and have no desire to stop it.

No, I'm not pouting over any of that. I'm not pouting at all - in fact, life is just peachy. And real busy. I can't remember the last time I fucked off at work. All my free time is being spent either: 1) christmas shopping, 2) yelling at Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Illinois, or 3) applying for a job closer to home, which would actually be ANY job in an 8,000 square mile basis bounded by approximately Beloit, Moline, and Bloomington, Illinois.

When and if we in fact get Kevin Mensch, or Rafael Furcal, or Juan Pierre, or even Scott Eyre, I will get in here and philosophize. For now, enjoy little miss Nadine Velazquez from "My Name is Earl". That IS da Latino Heat.

Fast Eddie Guerrero, R.I.P.....

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11/10/2005 01:33:00 PM by Rob

I'm old, painfully old, brutally old!

Two in the pink, one in the stink?

In a scientific survey taken at work today, 0 out of 5 of us knew what the "shocker" was. My son has been doing this gesture to me for months, now, smiling evilly, and I figured there was some kind of joke behind it, but thanks to good old Richard Roeper, I'm in on it now, and thanks to your friendl purveyor of fine filth, soon so you will be.

The "shocker" is a hand gesture as illustrated not so much by JC, but much better by the UIC bimbos below. Basically, and I have sat here for over 5 minutes with my hand in the "ring-finger down" formation, and have twisted my arm repeatedly and uncomfortably, but this is supposed to represent a method of female sexual stimulation. It appears the two fingers are inserted in the coin slot, and the pinky is stuck in the cleanout chute, as it were.

I personally do not feel that the pinky is going to contribute much to the party, but that could be because I have abnormally small fingers on my abnormally small hands for someone with 37 inch sleeves. I can't get any good lateral motion going with my pinky, while still maintaining some sort of movement with my forefingers. I guess, myself, I'd opt for a glowing buttplug or a spiny tikkler if that's what gets mama going.

Oh yeah, you thought I forgot the 2 vs. 15 matchup?

The 15 seed, Elisa Donovan, from "Clueless", vs the 2 seed, Nikki Cox, and if you don't know what Nikki Cox has been in, then, hell, you and me can't share a pizza and a pitcher.

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11/09/2005 10:49:00 AM by Rob

Today's 7 v. 10 matchup










10 seed Alyson Hannigan from band camp, vs. 7 seed Kaley Cuoco from that show that John Ritter died on.

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11/08/2005 11:50:00 AM by Rob

Congratulations!

My son was named to the All-Academic team in his conference, the NCIC, for this football season. We found out last night, and it was really a nice surprise!

Good job, Nick!! This is more important, to me, than if you'd made just the All-conference, because grades are a major component with this team. Thanks for hitting the books.

Just remember to keep wearing a rubber... | |

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