11/02/2005 02:06:00 PM by Rob

This year's free agent market - what it could mean to YOU

BURNS = blonde, BURKE = brunette? I'm SO confused. The 8 vs. 9 game went in quadruple overtime, and Brooke Burke - the brunette, right? The one whose nippy is showing on my l'il webpage? The BLONDE did Bruce Willis? Jeezus, I'm fucked up.

Brooke Burke won. Told you it was confusing.

That's right, Juan Pierre is a free agent. I have seen enough of the Corey Patterson Movie, and I'm not ready for the Felix Pie Theatre, and neither is he, which is by far the more important thing. The #1 thing that has killed the Chicago Cubs the past two years is the lack of top-of-the-order offense, someone who is willing to set the pace, the tempo of the game. Someone who can make pitchers worry, catchers jumpy and infielders scurrying to and fro covering bases. We need a man that can do this, and on the free agent list, he is but one of three.

Kenny Lofton also needs work.

What about 2004 Playoff Hero Dave Roberts? Honestly, I don't remember him being much of a threat this year in San Diego, seeings how we swept them at Petco.

What about the other 2004 Playoff Hero, Johnny Damon? Too much. Just too much EVERYTHING surrounding this meat hook.

You can order your Pie if you want; he isn't coming this year. So if Hendry doesn't wind up with either Pierre or Lofton, then don't even worry about watching ANY games this year, it just won't matter.

Other free agents out there:

BJ Ryan, RP - we have Dempster, Williamson, Ohman, Novoa, and whomever doesn't start the year in the rotation in the pen. Um, yep. I think this one's worth looking at.

Kevin Millwood, Jarrod Washburn, SP - Well, we have the oft-injured Wood and Prior, the Indomintable Z, the withering corpse of Greg Maddux, Glendon Rusch, and Poi Boi Williams. Not to mention the lush riches of starting prospects in our farm system I'm not sure how much Williams brings in trade right now. I'm not even real sure I want to find out. Just wondering, what if Hendry grew some gigantic nutts, and decided to trade Prior or Zambrano for, like, Andruw Jones or Miguel Cabrera? Well, if so, then we'd need a Kevin Millwood.

Otherwise, we wouldn't.

Brian Giles, OF - I know he's 36, but is he better than Jeromy Beernutz? If so, then let's get him.

Richard Hildago, OF - is Spanish for "Rondell White". Who is out there, as well.

Hideki Matsui, OF - REALLY? In-treeee-ging. I know he's overrated because he's a Yankee, but he looked okay to me when I saw him. Can he play left field? That means the Great Matt Murton would be a fourth OF. I'm ok with that. I'm also ok with bringing back the Crimson Shin as our fifth OF/PH extraordinaire.

Billy Wagner, closer - I'm willing to ride it out with Dempster.

Once again, I'm sorry about the Burke/Burns mixup. I'll do better with the 4 v. 13 matchup:























13-seed Laura Prepon, "The 70's Show" v. 4-seed, Rachel Bilson, "The O.C."

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