It started out as a Cub blog with cuss words. I'm still cussin'; it's the Cub part I'm a little squishy on these days.

The Sloth is not intended for younger or sensitive readers!

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Bruce, we gave you tha keys, and THIS is what you brought home?

¿Dónde está mi dinero, las rameras?

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Monday, November 28

Still don't feel like writing

idea stolen from BST:


Smoked a cigarette or tried it:

Once. I was nearly thirty. I was nearly blood-poisoned at the time.

Crashed a friend's car:


Stolen a car:


Been dumped:

Oh, Yeah. More than any of you.


They had so many many cool things at the department store I worked at as a kid, and there were so few few people watching over them. In fact, the people watching over them! Bad mistake.

Been fired /laid off:

Forced to resign? Sure. Not at the department store, either.

Been in a fist fight:

Been a while. Actually, it was probably wife #1 when she was in the process of deserting me and the kids. She tried to run over me with her car. I then yanked her door open, and kicked her right in her fat ass. Good times.

Snuck out of your parent's house:

Not really my style.

Been arrested:


Gone on a blind date:

Oh yeah. Met a girl in a 12-step program. Met nymphos, drunks, and my current wife.

Lied to a friend:

I can't recall any one time in particular, but I'm sure I'm guilty, because I'm a Sinner.

Skipped school:

Classes in college, but I was (also) a goody two-shoes in high school.

Seen someone die:


Been to Canada:

Several times, for a grand total of probably three hours in-country.

Been to Mexico:

Went to Cancun in '98. It royally sucked.

Eaten Sushi:

No. Haven't eaten fish bait, either.

Met someone in person from the internet:

Yep, most notably, Mrs. Sloth

Taken pain-killers:

I'm on 'em as I speak. I fear I burst a disc Saturday, trying to help Nick haul a treadmill into our house. Ow. Owowowowowowwww! He had already managed to get the new 265 lb. teevee in our house, and this thing was at least 50 lbs. lighter.

Had a tea party:

Not that I recall.

Cheated while playing a game:

Assuming golf counts, then yes, I have cheated while playing a game.

Fallen asleep at work:

Yep, quite recently, in fact, sitting up over my keyboard. Pathetic.

Used a fake ID:

Nope. Back in the day, there was no shortage of places willing to sell overpriced Old Style to a young man such as myself.

Felt an earthquake:

Last year, Nick burst into our room at about 3AM muttering about an earthquake. I asked him sincerely whether he was on drugs, because neither my wife or I had felt anything. The next day, it was all over the news. Sorry, son.

Touched a snake:

Yeah. I Didn't care for it, either.

Been robbed:

At gunpoint? No. Pickpocketed? Several times.

Petted a reindeer/goat:

In northern Wisconsin during one of my ex-in-laws' Vacations From Hell, we went to a petting zoo with nothing else better to do. Nick was about 2, and he grabbed a goat by the scrote. They are surprisingly strong for their size, especially when they're feeling sexually violated.

Won a contest:

The Knights Of Columbus Essay Contest of 1978. Good times. Free food.

Been suspended from school:


Been in a car accident:

Several small ones, nothing major. Was in a train wreck, too. Got on Channel 5 news for a brief moment.

Had braces:


Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night:

Sh-i-i-i-i-t. I've eaten a half-gallon at one sitting. Why do you think I'm the Sloth?

Witnessed a crime:

I watch Steve Bartman steal the 2003 pennant from us.

Seriously, I've witnessed a few little things.

Swam in the ocean:

Sure. Skin feels funky afterwards.

Sung karaoke:

Tainted Love, oooh ohhhh oh oh, Tainted Love....

Paid for a meal with only coins:

Sure, only for the purpose of getting rid of a lot of change. Nowadays, my wife enjoys collecting change. So I don't get to, anymore.

Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose:

A partial list of things that have come out my nose whilst laughing:

corn nuts
Shasta cherry

Been kissed under mistletoe:

We usually have mistletoe, and I usually am the kisser, not the kissee.

Crashed a party:

I never got invited to any parties as a young drunk. How do you think I got around?

Worn pearls:

I've given them, never worn them.

Jumped off a bridge:

Jumped off of cliffs in the old strip mine holes.

Ate dog/cat food:

Milk Bones are mostly grain materials. They won't kill you.

Kissed a mirror:


Glued your hand to something:

I've had Super Glue incidents, but nothing like the dude from American Pie.

Done a one-handed cartwheel:


Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours:

Do I look like I have a vagina?

Didn't take a shower for a week:

No, not even.

Picked an Apple off a tree and eaten it?

Many many times. Gotten the Green Apple Fast Steps, too.

Been told by a complete stranger that you're hot:

Just once. She was, too. I asked her out. We finally went out. She drank probably more than a case of beer that night. I never could figure out whether or not she was drinking to avoid remembering me, or if she was just a souse. When I pulled up to her pad at the end of the evening, I had one of them Pinto "Fuck Her. Fuck Her Brains Out" moments. She was SO hot. She was SO drunk. She would have, I think.

I didn't. Asshole. I hoped she would call me again. She didn't.