10/05/2004 08:52:00 AM by Rob

Postmortem, part deux

Don't worry, Francheezie...when they make me the King, I'll get you the help you need!



Today's installment deals with my ideal situation, as if I were in charge. Tomorrow will deal with the real world, such as it is.

I see that Dusty is trying to worm himself back into my good graces, by breaking bad on the Samala. There seems to be a corporate-wide effort to portray Sam-Me as the Bad Guy, so there won't be as much flack when he is traded, at a considerable cost.

The very first order of business, when I send Andy McSweatervest for a year-long cruise around the world, is call Jim Hendry into my office, congratulate him on his efforts up until now, and give him a big raise and the most comfortable phone headset in the planet.

The next order of business is to trade Sammy Sosa. If it were me, I would not expect anything more than a PTBNL. I would expect to pay a third of his $36M that he is due over the next two years. I would give them Farnsworth. I would also expect to give them their pick of my pitching prospects. I would hope that this would be a sufficient number of name players to include. I would NOT also give them Corey Patterson, because I believe that he has more value than a throw-in.

Not that I am beholden to KEEP Corey, mind you.

Then, I would go after Edgar Renteria full out, not only because of his own value, but because of the damage it would do to the Cardinals. I don't even care if Nomar ended up in St. Louis. I would be comfortable making that trade.

I would sign Ramirez, and cross my fingers that he will continue to play hard. I would keep Walker, Grieve, Hollandsworth, and Neifi Perez. I would say goodbye to Martinez, Goodwin, and Grud, as well as Kent Mercker, the tool.

I gotta keep Bako for one more year, because now Prior likes to throw to him, too. He actually improved somewhat in the last month or two. I can't believe I am actually saying this.

I honestly do not believe that Beltran would come to Chicago, even if the AssTrolls can't scratch up enough to sign him. I somehow think that the 'Trolls will get it done. So, that having been said, I would allow Moises Alou to go out and negotiate his best deal, and if he cares to, he can come back to see what we can offer afterwards. I would not care to give him anything more than $7M for one year with a club option for 2006, what with his whining and his shitty attitude. He can take it or leave it. If he takes it, he automatically gets the Sammy suite, where he is shunted off by himself, where he can do no harm.

Why? He DID hit 40 jacks and drove in 100, for God's sake. Played every day. Some think HE is the bad karma in the room. I don't think so, myself.

Otherwise, I would like to see Jason Dubois compete for the LF job.

Right now, I have holes in RF, as well as in the pen. I have decisions to make on Matt Clement, Glendon Rusch, and Ryan Dempster.

Dempster's option is $2M, pocket change, so I pick it up, and hope for the best.

I am going to gamble a little, and ask Rusch if he would be comfortable serving in the exact same role in 2005 as he had this year. If so, I would bring him back. Otherwise, I would wish him luck, for his free agent value will NEVER be higher than it is right now.

The key to the offseason is coming up, in a minute, so stay tuned.

I believe Clement is a .500 pitcher, an inning-eater. You have seen his upside. That being said, I may end up offering him a contract, depending on whether I can use Kerry Wood to troll for a RF.

The key to 2005 is a Wood trade. He has Prior's talent, Zambrano's red ass, and he is starting to learn some of Maddux's patience and pitch economy. He is a vocal force in the Clubhouse, and some would say, at 7 years of service, that he is the Face of the Cubs, especially with Sosa gone (see above).

And that's just it. Since Baker is unable or unwilling to take control of his mental midgets, someone from the rank-n-file needs to do so. Baker is obviously used to Leadership From Within, and there is a lot to say about that. I personally believe in it, too. On this club, it had to come from Wood. Even when he was on the DL, he had to be the man.

What did Wood do in 2004? He went 8-9, and sure, a few of his best efforts were wasted. He also lead the league (again) in hit batsmen. He got himself suspended. He stood by idly, while his teammates lashed out in an indiscriminate paranoia against the print media, against their own announcers, and ESPECIALLY against umpires and opponents. All the while, he would come on the radio and announce to one and all that "everything was under control" in the clubhouse, a ridiculous lie if ever there was one.

There will be someone, like Texas, who will be panting for his flame-throwing potential. I would be willing to take ANY of their young hitters (Blalock, Texiera, Soriano, Young), regardless of position, stick him in RF, and bat him fourth, behind Ramirez, and ahead of my LF and Corey.

Do I still have enough to sign a closer? Maybe Philly would take Angel Guzman and Sergio Meat Tray, for Billy Wagner? Since this is my dream world, let's say they do. I hate to lose Guzman, but I don't care about Meat Tray. He's had his chances. I don't put as much stock in his LA upbringing as Dusty does.

Let's look at my tentative roster:

C: Bako, Barrett
IF: Ramirez, Renteria, Walker, Lee, Perez, Macias
OF: Soriano, Patterson, DuBois, Hollandsworth, Grieve, possibly Alou
P: Prior, Clement, Zambrano, Rusch, Dempster, Maddux, Remlinger, Hawkins, Wagner, Borowski, Leicester, Wellmeyer

We'd have more team speed, less reliance on the home run, and most of all, many of the bad actors on this 2004 team would be gone.

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10/04/2004 08:43:00 AM by Rob

Postmortem, Part I

There are logical explanations for most things, but some things in life just cannot be explained away by scientific terms. For the ninety-seventh time, we ARE cursed, and the Cubs choked.



How am I feeling today? I'm not sad, I'm angry, but mostly disappointed. Simply put, we WERE supposed to win this year. When we stumbled at the All-Star break while the Cardinals spun right past us like moonshiners fleeing from Johnny Law, when it was obvious we would not be 2004 Division Champs, I held a public wake and funeral, and spent the rest of the year enduring your bleating about something called the "Wild Card". I told you all that this was NOT something that could be counted on, and yet, with one week to go, all the Cubs need do was take care of themselves, and they would succeed in controlling the uncontrollable.

I fought the urge, fought it hard, for I knew where it was going. I knew we wouldn't make it. With an one-dimensional offense, no closer, and a manager who has NEVER adjusted and never WILL, I knew we couldn't win.

We were one game up with six left!! All that succeeded in doing was making the eventual death that much more excruciating.



What to do for next year? A topic for later this week. I told you that I was disappointed. As cynical and wary as I am when it comes to the Cubs, I honestly thought that there was enough on the table to overcome whatever shortcomings they started the season with.

The main emotion I am dealing with though, today, is anger, and it's pointed at a few of you! It's directly pointed at CubFandom (registered trademark) and if you are part of the Kool-Aid drinking mainstream, I'm talking to you!

I am not a true judge of most things in life. My Gaydar is terrible; I can't play the stock market; my NFL Confidence Picks are a joke; I could find a lousy woman in a whole room of winners; and on and on. I only know a few things in life, really well. There are key intervals in every baseball season where it is critical to play well. The last week of the season, yes. But before that, one of the most crucial is the week after the All-Star break. The Cubs came out like stiff dogs who don't wanna go outside to do their bizness.

It was as clear as the back of my own hand to me, at that point, that the 2004 Cubs were a sham. But, when I said so, I got PILED ON but you rose-colored pollyanna drunkenmonkeys, holding your calendars and your pocket schedules, telling me that it was still Early.



In a year where:
- The top-paid SuperDuperGladiatorStar bitched, moaned, and played like shit;
- The other long-time clubhouse leader bitched at umpires and announcers alike;
- The so-called anchors of the so-called Greatest Staff in History got caught up in their own press clippings;
- The Best Manager in Baseball set up an Us-vs-Them siege in the one town where that is the most expressly stupid thing to ever do;
- Then, in the most schizophrenic ballpark in the bigs, told one and all that his Players would NOT change Their approach whatsoever just because of a "little wind";
- When the so-called Lovable Losers became the most unlovable bunch of fucksticks ever to wear the pinstripes...

...the Cubbie Faithful continued to grip onto their floppy hats, their $8 Old-Styles, and their blind faith that the team was so good that they would somehow turn around 40, 80, 120 games of fundamentally unsound, uninspired, and unsuccessful baseball and just March into the World Series.

This team did not deserve to win, it didn't from day one, there were too many injuries, too many egos to deflate, and even though Jim Hendry has done a magnificent job filling in several major holes the last two years, the few small remaining cracks eventually did us in.

If your closer doesn't think he can close; if your leadoff hitter wants to hit home runs; if the heart of the order keeps trying to smash fly balls into the teeth of 25 mph winds with men on base, you don't deserve to win.



Do I have the right to boo? FUCKING A right, I do!! All you anal-retentive jackwads who got on MY shit for just telling it like it is, go fuck yourself with your momma's straightrazor. You have NO FUCKING RIGHT to tell me where to get off when you have no clue what makes a winning team. If your first baseball experience is the Mickey Morondini 1998 Wild Card team, how can you instruct me on Cubs 101 when I have sat and watched, year after year, the 1971 Cubs wear down in the heat, the 1977 Cubs fizzle away in a homer-happy orgy of lousy pitching and defense, the 1984 tragedy of stubbornness and entitlement?

For the first time in HISTORY, that means EVER, the management of this team stepped up and bought everything they could to make this work. They went out and got the top mid-season guy. They did everything they possibly could, and the manager sat there and let it all die on the vine.

BOOOOOOO!! God-Damned right, BOOOOOO!! Fuck you, Steroid Sammy! Up Yours, Cry-baby Alou! Quit sitting on your brain, Johnnie B. Dusty, and do something for once! You wouldn't know how to handle a bullpen if we gave you FIFTEEN pitching coaches, you tax-evading crook!! You'll NEVER win a World Series, because you are just TOO FUCKING STUPID!

And for the rest of you, let's face facts. Matt Clement is NEVER going to be a 20-game winner. Kyle Farnsworth is NEVER going to be a closer. Corey Patterson is NEVER going to be a cornerstone for a franchise.

And, most of all, and I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH...

...Sammy Sosa is NEVER EVER EVER EVER, in a MILLION YEARS, going to be a winner. Even when he eventually becomes a Yankee, in 2006, he'll put up monster stats...but somehow, he'll fuck THEM when it hurts the worst!

Good night.

And, most of all

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10/01/2004 10:30:00 AM by Rob

EAMUS CATULI



This is where I am going tomorrow: I have a reservation at the Lakeview Rooftop Club. Our company received thirty seats for charity, and we auctioned them off individually, with proceeds going to City of Hope cancer treatment centers. I actualy did NOT bid. Someone else won two seats, and then could not use one, and they knew where to go to find a sucker taker.

My plan, when I found out about it last week, was to gird myself with ample food and drink, to fight the unruly mobs out on Sheffield after the game, once we clinched the wild card.

Ahhhh, but as Cubs fans, we learn to adjust.

I have a new purpose in mind now, but first, a little background.

Most of us SHOULD know this, but "EAMUS CATULI" is Latin and loosely translates to "Go Cubs". I believe it actually translates to "proceed young bears". Then you have the numbers underneath.

The first two digits represent the number of years since we won the division. Currently, it is set at 00. 59 represents the number of years since the last pennant. 96 represents the number of years since the last world championship. I dunno what plans they have in mind if we don't get something done by 2008.

Anyway, my plans tomorrow are to ask them if I can hold either the '0' and the '1' for the years since the division, or the '6' and the '0' since the pennant, or possibly the '9' and the '7' for the big enchilada. And have my buddies take my picture. So I can post it here.

Go Cubs.

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