The Uncouth Sloth - born 2002, died 2006. R.I.P.

12/16/2005 09:47:00 AM by Rob

The Sloth's Annual Christmas Message

This is life as I know it right now, and this all could have been avoided if only some people were just raised right.

In my department, there are three women and four men, and yep, one of the four dudes is the boss. Anyway, if yer a man's man and you don't work with no skirts, you don't know what a special pleasure it is to work with women. And if you do, then you know full well just how fucking illogical and inappropriate they can be.

Here's the deal. If you've stayed with me for awhile, you know I have one of the longest commutes known to man, primarily because of my committment to make life worth living for another of these illogical creatures. And, I know it is my personal choice, a fact that I am reminded of on a periodic basis, when one or more of the three harpies in my office complains about my hours.

See, I leave my house every morning about 5:45, which ought to get me to work at 7:45. Then, I can leave at 4:15. I JUST CAN'T do any earlier than that, it just hurts to be up any earlier. But due to the cruel and unusual road construction patterns in place the last five years in the Chicago MetroSprawl, I usually am not able to wind my way up to my office until 8:30...in which case I should stay until 5. If I do that, then there's no way I am able to have dinner with my family. The kids eat lunch at school around eleven, and, shit, they'd have to eat another meal somewhere in there to make it until 7:15, 7:30. So, most days, I leave before five.

Now, here's where I have a problem with my three female co-workers, all of which resent the living PISS out of me because I'm not "putting in my eight". Why is it their business? It would be an issue if, say, I made one of them wait ONCE for something I was working on in the past 7 1/2 years I've been here. But, I haven't. So why should they care?

Do I care that each and every one of them takes at least FIVE ciggy breaks a day? When you subtract THAT hour-plus from the time that they're here, I actually spend more seat time at my desk than they do!! Have I EVER EVER complained about that? Shit, I never even THOUGHT about it until last week, when each of them decided it was time to confide with me that they didn't approve of my "leaving early".

I actually have a very kind and giving nature, and I have bent over backwards hundreds of times to do little favors for these three hussies. NOW? Fuck it, I won't piss on their heads, even if their hair was on fire.

See, and here's the message, Christ told us to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," if I can paraphrase Him a bit. I had a little spat the other day with a self-described "Christian" who runs his own Cubs Blog, because it seemed to me that he was slotting himself as a superior person to myself, because he doesn't cuss, or post pictures of chicks (or ever stray off-topic, I point I HAD to concede). He isn't the first Cub Blogger I've tussled with over the years, and it isn't like I am going to declare a Jihad on him, because he has valid points about the content of this here website.

But who is he to judge, just like who are the three Medusas in my office? My two other (male) peers could give a rip less what I do. If anything, if they somehow feel that I am not giving a full effort, they will take the opportunity to press harder themselves so THEY'LL look better compared to me, and I whole-heartedly agree with that tactic. That's what (most) guys do. Women would rather complain, and while I understand, it's real hard to forgive the fact that the bitches got me in trouble with my boss. He's a hands-off guy unless you force his hand, I like him a lot, and it really hurts to have to engage in these occassional discussions with him.

Take care of your own business, and good things will follow. Unless somebody else is actively infringing on your own inalienable rights, leave them be.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Respect brings respect, tolerance brings tolerance, trust brings trust. Likewise, judgment brings judgment, hate brings hate, and you get the picture.

But, Sloth, isn't Forgiveness a virtue, too? Yes, of course. But as we all know, it is much harder to forgive than to simply accept. There has to be a Wrong in order for someone to Forgive, and sometimes, that Wrong simply cannot be undone.

Do Unto Others. That's the message I leave you with this Christmas season, unless Hendry does something meaningful. I will be back at it for sure on the 26th, maybe there will be a real right fielder under the tree for us Cub fans.

Merry Christmas, all. Be careful on the roads. I need all the hits I can get.

12/15/2005 02:22:00 PM by Rob

Bloodrayne

Whew!! Gotta make a note to myself to do something about them callouses on my fingers.

The All-Majestic Grand Furious Five - Midwest Region is in its second round, but I happened to see the trailer to "Bloodrayne", the latest "straight-from-PS2-to-cinema" masterpiece. Try, master-bation-piece.

Who in the name of fuck is the redhead??!?!?! Ok, it's Kristanna Loken, and she's not really Red, but she's in the Grand Majestic Five for now.

Sweet Creamy Butter, she be fine.

12/15/2005 10:05:00 AM by Rob

One more thing...

Does anyone else watch "The Christmas Story" thinking Darrin McGavin way, WAY outkicked his coverage with Melinda Dillon?

12/15/2005 09:19:00 AM by Rob

I'm going to make Chuck very mad at me

I'm going to make a lot of people mad at me. Big fukkin deal. I'm going to take the contrary viewpoint, because something about it just feels right to me.

Let me be on the record as saying I would be in favor of trading anyone on the team (exc. Lee, Ram, Z, & Pierre) for either Manny Ramirez, Adam Dunn, Miguel Tejada or Bobby Abreu. But, barring that, I would rather go with the scenario outlined by Paul Sullivan (below) than bringing in Preston Wilson or someone of his ilk.

Maybe this is all just a ruse to try to convince management to trade for Carlos Lee. If so, I'm all for that, too.

Pierre in center, Patterson right?
Ex-Marlins' arrival might not mean end for enigmatic Cub

By Paul Sullivan
Tribune staff reporter
Published December 14, 2005, 9:34 PM CST

Juan Pierre was acquired to take Corey Patterson's job in center field, but it doesn't necessarily mean the Cubs will trade their enigmatic outfielder.

After Pierre's introductory news conference Wednesday at Wrigley Field, general manager Jim Hendry disclosed he would offer Patterson arbitration next week and might give him the right-field job in 2006.

Hendry continues to search for a left-handed-hitting outfielder to replace Jeromy Burnitz, but nothing appears imminent. He has spoken to the agent for Minnesota free agent Jacque Jones, who is seeking a three-year deal and reportedly has a three-year, $15 million offer from Kansas City. Jones probably would have to settle for a one- or two-year deal with the Cubs.

"I've given [the agent] our level of interest and told him we have some trade possibilities," Hendry said.

Jones is a career .279 hitter and averages a strikeout every 4.7 at-bats. Patterson is a .252 hitter and averages a strikeout every 3.9 at-bats.

But Patterson's potential, despite a .215 season and a demotion to Triple A, gives Hendry pause when considering a trade. A handful of teams, including Texas and Arizona, briefly showed interest in Patterson, but the Cubs would rather give him another chance than deal him for low-level prospects. As Exhibit A they can point to Derrek Lee, who hit .233 and .206 for Florida in 1998 and '99, when he was about Patterson's age, before blossoming in his late 20s.

The Cubs hope Pierre, the quintessential leadoff man and team player, could help Patterson become the player the organization always believed he would be.

"I always have been a guy who has had to prove myself," said Pierre, who will wear No. 9. "Taking a day off, in my mind, gives another guy an opportunity to take my spot.

"I can do something every day to help the team win. Of course, there are going to be 0-for days, but maybe I can make a catch and save a run or put down a sac bunt."

Hendry still has a couple of trade proposals on the table, but the availability of left-handed-hitting corner outfielders with power is limited.

The New York Mets are unlikely to deal Cliff Floyd unless they obtain Boston's Manny Ramirez, which appears unlikely. Former Cub Luis Gonzalez is available because Arizona has a surplus of outfielders, but Gonzalez will earn $11.5 million in '06, so Arizona probably would have to pick up a significant part of his salary.

If the Cubs exhaust their search for a left-handed hitter, they could sign Washington free agent Preston Wilson to a one-year deal. Wilson's agent has informed the Cubs they're his top choice and that he would love to play for Dusty Baker. But the sides haven't spoken since before the winter meetings, and Wilson remains a secondary option.

The Cubs might not want to tie up their corner spots for the long term.

Floyd becomes a free agent next year and has told friends he would like to end his career back home in Chicago. Another possibility in 2007 is Milwaukee left fielder Carlos Lee, who kept his home in Chicago after being traded from the White Sox and still harbors a grudge against Sox general manager Ken Williams and manager Ozzie Guillen. Unless the Brewers sign him to a long-term deal, Lee's top choice as a free agent would be returning to Chicago with the Cubs.

While the Cubs are concentrating on finding a right fielder, questions remain on whether Matt Murton is ready to handle left field full time. Murton hit an impressive .321 in 140 at-bats after being called up in July with only 78 games of experience at Double A. But Baker played him primarily against left-handers in the early going, and his average slipped after being given the job in September. He wound up hitting .261 against right-handers.

Hendry also called Baltimore on Tuesday regarding shortstop Miguel Tejada, but the Orioles are inclined to keep Tejada.

psullivan@tribune.com

Wednesday, December 14

12/14/2005 09:20:00 AM by Rob

The White Sox just won themselves another pennent

They only had to trade a broken-down has been, a prospect, and a never-will-be for javier Vazquez.

Gee, I wonder who else has a broken-down has-been who wouldn't have minded playing out the string in Arizona?

If Hendry doesn't end up with Abreu or Dunn by Opening Day 2006, he should be fired.

Tuesday, December 13

12/13/2005 03:59:00 PM by Rob

Wanted - to Buy

One Ryne Sandberg poster, circa 1985, put out by Nike, entitled "Cornerstone", which looks something like this:

This is off of a t-shirt currently on sale on eBay. That's nice, but I want the poster. I had it for yeeeears, until wife #2 threw it out. It had gotten quite tattered. It need not be in mint condition, just somewhat presentable. I plan to display it in my new Cub Underground Bunker.

Contact me at ribeyerob@yahoo.com

I thank you

Friday, December 9

12/09/2005 10:52:00 AM by Rob

Nobody is indispensable

The one on the left is Miguel Tejada. Perhaps, the one on the right is also named Miguel Tejada, I'm not sure. But it's the man on the left that concerns me.

He is a man who happens to be the best shortstop on the planet. Yes, A-Rod, you, too. We should have signed him two years ago, when we had the chance. But the great big thick 800-pound Ape, Sammy Sofa, took all the money. Even more annoying, a do-little named Alex Gonzalez took a good portion of whatever money was left in the Tribune's niggardly Baseball Salaries Budget. I wasn't paying particularly rapt attention in B-school, but even a dense fog like myself understands the notion of a Sunk Cost, and AGon was a sunk cost if ever there was one.

If the Cubs braintrust had an ounce of brains or guts, Mr. Tejada would be entering his third year under our employ.

Well, seems that Mr. Tejada is unhappy with his lot in life with his chosen employer, the Baltimore Orioles. But you know this. You probably also know that if things go like they usually go in our world, he will be traded to the Red Sox for Planet Manny.

But this doesn't HAVE to happen. If Jim Hendry can push his ass away from the table, and do something a little different, it is WE who can have Miggy Tejada.

One thing you have to chew on, and quickly. Why is this guy bitching about being an Oriole, 24 months after he took their megamillions? His teammate Melvin Mora suggests that Miggy's beef is in the lack of pitching. His boss is always throwing money at the offense (like what happened to himself). So, do we want this crybaby?

In a word, yes. He's right, he couldn't be more right. Perhaps he could have been a bit more stoic, yes. But getting him, and lumping him in there with Ramirez, Lee, and Pierre, makes the lineup almost Dusty-proof.

So who do we trade for him? It has been chopped and diced every which way over at Desipio, and the consensus seems to be that Lee, Ramirez, and Zambrano are the untouchables here. Big Z goes without saying. Lee did too much for us last year for us to reward him with a one-way ticket to Baltimore. Ramirez? Even though he's hamstringy, he's the best 3rd baseman we've had in 30 years, and as Andy said, using him to get Tejada is like digging an unfillable hole to fill another. You can also stick Juan Pierre in this category, too.

Henry Blanco, aka Hank White, is also off limits. If you have to ask why, then I guess you and me aren't sitting next to each other in church anytime soon. Church!

What about Prior? The Franchise, the fran-cheezie? Doubtless, if Prior was shipped there, he'd suck. I know that in every fiber of my being. So, trade, right? Well, that depends on whether you feel that Prior is going to win 20 with US someday? I'm not so sure, anymore, and I have company. There are many others who still have faith in him, and I'm afraid, rightly or wrongly, that Jim Hendry still deems him untouchable.

Me? I'd fight it real hard. I'd offer up everyone else first, Corey, Walker, Cedeno, Neifi, Barrett, Murton, Pie, Hairston (ha!), Guzman, Rusch, Williams, Dopriak...but if all else fails, I'd do it.

Does that mean that Prior is no longer the Franchise?

Yep. Until he wins 20, he can't use that nametag anymore. Honeymoon's over, dude.

Thursday, December 8

12/08/2005 03:16:00 PM by Rob

Still no surge of joy

It is a little known fact, in fact, I fucking SCOUR the interweb every day looking for Cubs news, and I only found out today...anyway, it is a little known fact that Jose Macias is no longer in pinstripes.

Yes, the worthless pieceashit gremlin is gone. Now Dusty won't be compelled to play him. Shit, that makes me feel better than knowing that Juan Pierre is here.

Right now, the middle infield consists of in its entirety: Neifi!!, Todd Walker the Writers' Friend, Ronny Cedeno, and Jerry the Lesser Hairston. Hairston and Neifi!! would comprise a hell of a bench, if the Great Motivator, Mister Tee Tree Stick himself, could work it out so everyone was happy and pulled together.

However, you just know Hendry is planning on trading Walker, and getting Neifi!! the 500 at bats he wasted last year for us. Actually, that's not fair. Maybe 50 of the ABs were ok.

At least Hendry traded our so-called prized prospects, rather than lose them in Rule V.

Wednesday, December 7

12/07/2005 02:35:00 PM by Rob

Can I make a quick point here?

Shakira.

Hot, hott, HOTT chick.

HORRIBLE, miserable, dreadful singer! Jeezus H. Beefslaughtering Christ, her "songs" sound like cattle being killed in a rather inhumane manner. I figured it might have been a function of Spanish being her first language, but I heard her on "La Calle" the other day. She's even more bovine-sounding in her native tounge.

I guess when you look like THAT, especially in Latin America, guys will do whatever it takes for you, even tell you that you sing well, and give you a recording contract.

12/07/2005 10:11:00 AM by Rob

...and, as a holiday gift, the Cubs send the Marlins a lovely meat tray.

The chances that at least one of the three pitchers we have sent to Florida will become a 20-game winner are far more certain than the chance that Juan Pierre will lead us to a pennant. Therefore, in terms of value, the Cubs have far overpaid for the 28-year-old basepath pest. I am bracing myself for the onslaught of fire to come from my more financially-minded brethren in Cub Blog Nation.

To me, it feels like too little too late. If we had managed to sign Furcal AND traded for Pierre, then I would feel much better about the daily duo at the top of the order. I would have the feeling that the Cubs' front office knew what it was doing, that they would stop at noting to win, and that we were destined to salvage something from the Dusty Baker era. With both guys, I would deem the lineup to be Dusty-Proof.

Of course, if we HAD in fact signed Furcal, then the Cubs would appear to be a much larger threat in the NL, and probably Florida would have insisted on even higher stakes for their centerfielder.

I know some of you are going to read this and shout: "Hey, Assrim! You begged for this guy for a year, now he's here, and yer still cryin'? We think you just LIKE being miserable."

Far from it, friends. I want to feel like the Cubs will kick ass and take names in 2006. I want to win, partly to convince Prior and Zambrano and Lee to make this their permanent baseball home, but mostly, because I'm starting to feel pains in my back, and joints, and at times, my chest. I want to see a winner before I kick it.

I just have to call it like I see it, and I honestly feel like Juan Pierre is nothing more than a consolation prize, and the key piece to Plan B.

Let's just see how Dusty, Sarge, and Gene Clines work on this guy, to try to get him to swing for homers, so he resembles Corey Patterson with a crooked hat bill.

Monday, December 5

12/05/2005 01:26:00 PM by Rob

Trending down

What a fuckin' weekend.

Actually, in real life, it was good. My wife and I are fixing up our basement, and we did a lot this weekend, and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We took most of our family downtown to see the lights, gorged ourselves at Bucca di Beppo, and my daddy bought me a new cell phone for Christmas. Yes, I know how gay that sounds.

But in the World of the Sloth, what? The Great Cheesehead is even WORSE than I thought he was, and the Bears not only won, but covered the seven, without scoring an offensive touchdown.

And you KNOW what happened to the Cubs already. Your general manager had to do ONE thing this winter, kids. Just ONE thing, and he was beaten to the punch by a brand new GM on a dysfunctional team WITHOUT a field manager.

First of all, I don't want to hear any more crap about the Cubs being a Destination because of Dusty Baker. That might have been true in December 2002. It isn't true, anymore. The Furcal fiasco proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Next, I don't want to hear any more shit about "we made a good offer, and the Dodgers overpaid". No shit? What planet do YOU sleep on? The BEST free agent gets the richest contract every winter, and almost always it is too much money. "Oh, but it doesn't always equate to a championship." FUCK YOU, Pollyanna!! Let's try it ONCE, ONCE!!! Then, you can say "told you so" if it doesn't work. Just for once in my entire life, I want to see MY team roll the biggest dice, and have the biggest balls.

SOMETHING is holding us back, somebody doesn't want to do what it takes to succeed. It is time we all resign ourselves to this conclusion.

People, just like 1969 and 1984, in the future, you're going to remember 2003 as the "good old days". That was the peak, it will always represent the summit of Prior's, Wood's & Zambrano's potential with the Cubs.

It just gets worse from here. I guarantee it. Three of the best starting pitchers to come through the system in the last half century, maybe the whole century, and the best we can do is getting to a game 7 of an NLCS. It all goes downhill from here. It isn't so much that Rafael Furcal has THIS much impact as a player, but I see the Acquisition of Furcal as a Concept. You can call it "Plan A"...for sure, the Cubs brain-trust did.

Lack of execution in the basepaths can lose you a game.

Lack of execution in the manager's shoes can lose you a season.

Lack of execution in the front office can lose you a generation.

Save yer pennies, now, so you can buy your Yankees Prior gamer and Braves Zambrano gamer in 2007.

Wood? Nah, we're stuck with THAT brittle fuckstick.

Friday, December 2

12/02/2005 01:44:00 PM by Rob

It's winter outside, but Summer in here

I figure that the Rafael Furcal matter (heh. He said 'furcal matter'), where supposedly the Braves are showing new interest, and the Dodgers are in on it, is all just posturing to hold us up for more money. So it appears it will take MORE than Ten Million $$$ American a year to sign this pud up. Many of you have balked, while Ivy Chat Chuck correctly opines that this is just the cost of NOT getting Miggy Tejada two years ago when we had the chance. Call it a "Bozo Tax" if you will.

We may not win it WITH him, but I guarantee that we WON'T win it without him.

I will cap off this abbreviated post today with the sad news that Summer Sanders, former olympian and current TV talking head, has fallen off of her perch as "Hottest Summer on Earth". This here is Summer Altice, a reeel tall drink-o-water who supposedly played volleyball, and who just happened to be all over the copy of Maxim I found last night lying in my son's bedroom. All the damn pages were wrinkled and crumpled, and (dare I say it?)...nah.

Here's a better look at her.

Hope you put your Benjies on the Packers this weekend. You can buy me a sody pop next time you see me.

Thursday, December 1

12/01/2005 10:54:00 AM by Rob

Women that grab me, that may not grab you

Part LXVII in a continuing series

Both of these chicks have some sort of Eastern Euro flava: Mariska Hargitay from "Law & Order - SVU" and former tennis star Martina Hingis:

If yer worth a damn in the world of perving, you know that Mariska's momma was Jayne Mansfield, who was the Jessica Simpson of 1962. Where did she get the fucked-up name? Dad was a Mr. Universe from Hungary.

Martina is a Swiss citizen, but I believe HER momma was Czech. I've jonesed on both these babes for years, way before Law and Order. Mariska is my age, and she's still smokin'. But Martina, Hingy baybee, don't ever, ever dye yer hair again. Makes you look cheap, washed out, and otherwise Lohanned...

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