2/24/2005 09:11:00 AM by Rob

Oh, God

THIS is the day I’ve been waiting for, for Sam-Me is in his New House, and he made himself at home, absolutely. He’s still mad at Dusty for batting heem seexth, he’s calling Mark Prior and Kerry Wood liars for saying that the Cubs are better off without him, and most of all, most of all, he can’t figure out WHY, oh why, people in Chicago are forgetting all the Good Sammy Sosa when all he made was two meestakes in thirteen years?

Good jumproping Christ, where in the living fuck do I START with this quiescently frozen fuckstick?

Let’s get the good news out of the way. I would not be surprised if Sosa hits 45 or more homers this year. In fact, I’m pretty much counting on it. If this should happen, people, bear down, and relax. The Orioles are still going to finish no better than third, they might end up fourth, or hell, maybe last, and they’ll lose more than they win at the end of the year.

He can be mad at Dusty all he wants, because, if anything, Dusty fucked up the whole communication process concerning his batting order last year. He should have batted Sosa fifth TO BEGIN WITH, and dropped him from there when he wouldn’t cut down his swing to make contact and reduce his strikeouts. Sosa has ALWAYS forgotten that HE is a BALLPLAYER, that the old guy on the bench is the MANAGER, and it’s the old guy’s job to make out the order as he sees fit. This will not change at all in Baltimore.

He can accuse Prior and Wood of lying if he wants, big fucking whoop. What they actually are on record as saying is NOT that the Cubs would be better off without him, but that they would “get by” without him. Some, like Prior, and Wood, and Me, actually DO think what SamMe is accusing us of, and he can disagree, that’s fine. It’s gamesmanship, and he’s always had a dangerously inflated image of himself, that’s no surprise. Let him have his delusion.

It’s not even the unscheduled day off. SamMe points to that as being one of his “meestakes”, the corked bat being the other. You know, I don’t care. The Tribune cared, Dusty cared, his teammates cared, so I guess in their scope, as limited and as unrealistic it may be, the last day is a big deal. Don’t count ME as one of the bleating sheep. If THAT was the straw that turned the masses against Sammy Sosa, then the masses haven’t been paying attention.

He has spent his whole career in the plum #3 role, and he has been the highest paid Cub since 1997. You all can cite a few instances where his homers have tied or won a game; in fact, I believe he led the league a few years in that category, which should be no surprise in that he led the league in homers of ANY type in those years. But those games represent a mere handful of the total number of chances he had to win games, with runners on the bases. His batting average with runners in scoring position has sunk like a rock since 1999. His strikeouts have remained constant at about 1 per 4 plate appearances, while his walks have been cut in half. His batting average and slugging percentages have fallen from .300/.600 to .250/.450 in that same time.

He does not hit cutoff men, he does not run the bases well, he has been pretty brittle the last few years, between toes, back, abdominals, wrists. He does not lead, he cannot follow, he annoys his teammates with his prima donna attitude….Sosa always has and always will be a team unto himself.

I personally have never seen him inject himself with steroids, but I am willing to bet everything I own, my life, and the lives of my whole family, that he used them between the years 1998-2002. He isn’t using what he was before, and his performance has slipped greatly as a result.

Finally, and most importantly to me, for all his homers, all his RBIs, and the rest of his Hall-Of-Fame statistics, the one that matters the most is that he has not played in a World Series. He is LIVID because he feels like he is being blamed entirely for the shipwreck that was the 2004 Chicago Cubs.

Well, to be honest, he should NOT receive 100% of the blame. But he sure as hell should expect to be only receive the 4% of the blame as an average member of a 25-man roster. First of all, everyone knows that the Cubs Clubhouse was Heees House, thus, most of the blame for the toxic atmosphere should go to the Host. Next, he pulled down 1/5th of the total salary, and received a similar share of critical game-changing chances at the plate as a mid-order hitter. The offense was designed around him, players were acquired to ‘protect him’ in the batting order.

I personally think that Dusty Baker, and his inability to handle a bullpen, gets the biggest slice of the 2004 Humble Pie. But SamMe gets the second biggest piece, and he should just make like a good boy and eat his shitty slice, and then wipe off his greezy piehole, and shut it the fuck up, once and for all.

You’re an Oriole now, prick. Go pull a worm out of the ground, or something….

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2/22/2005 11:19:00 AM by Rob

Jokes we love, athletes we love, and baseball teams we love

A lady was sitting on a hot, crowded bus next to a swarthy man, who was shouting into a cell phone:

“First Emma come. Then I come. Then two asses come. Then I come again.”

The lady can barely contain herself.

The man continues to shout, “Then the two asses, they’a come again. I then-a come again. Then comes the pee-pee’s. Finally, I come-a one last time.”

The lady is absolutely furious by now. “How dare you talk about such things in public, you filthy pig? I don’t know how long you’ve been in this country, but here, in America, we do not talk about things like sex in public, certainly not on a crowded bus where everyone can hear you!!”

“What-a sex, lady? Im-a trying to teach my boy how to spell “Mississippi”?”

Anyway,

I was thinking today about athletes I love, besides the obvious ones: Ryno, Ernie, Sweet-swinging Billy Williams from Whistler, Alabama. Pegleg Ron. Fergie, Mad Dog, Prior, Woody, Z. I love Z.

The Hawk. Yes, I love the Hawk, just because I’m not sure he should be in the HOF don’t mean I don’t love him. I’ll never forget 1987, when we won 77 games, and finished last. Most years, 77 wins will get you third or fourth, easy. Without Andre Dawson, that team would have won about 30.

I was thinking about it because Denis Savard was in a commercial about quitting smoking, and it was hilarious, a near perfect score on the Unintentional Comedy Scale, and I realized something: I Love Denis Savard!! Him, and Al Secord, and Ed Belfour, most of the late 80’s Hawks.

I love Darrell Waltrip, his brother Michael, and Dale Jr., too. I love Kenny Wallace, although his brother Rusty is a fucking whiner.

I love Brett Favre, sorry to say, he’s the Antichrist as far as true Bears fans are. I’m not amongst them, so I can openly respect him. He’s not so hot anymore, but I’ll never forget the press conference they had in I believe the summer of ’97 or ’98, when they announced he was fighting an addiction to Vicodins. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. I was in the middle of a bar, and I announced to one and all that day that Green Bay was winning the Super Bowl that year, without question, and if anybody there had half a brain, they would put a hundo on the Pack right fucking now! Nobody listened, not even myself…too bad.

I love Barry Sanders, Warren Sapp. Sir Charles. Shaq-Foo. Kobe can keep bending over beefy white chicks, for all I care. He’s an ass. I love Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon. Derek Jeter, too, believe it or not. He’s a winner, so is Tom Brady and Adam Vinaterri. And Big Shot Rob Horry.

At this time last year, I didn’t think much of ol’ Brian Urlacher, Linebacker. It seemed to me to be a completely racial thing how every crew-cut white guy was wearing ‘54’, the guy threw over his wife and kid for the likes of Paris Hilton, and I made him out to be the poster child for OverRated. But, I gotta tell you, I watched Bears football closely this year, and I’m taking him off of the campaign. He is a Difference Maker, and his fat wife is a shrew. So I love Brian Urlacher.

I loved the Fridge and Dan Hampton and Otis Wilson, Jimbo Covert, and you had to love Sweetness. I’m not sure he wasn’t guilty of a little hanky-panky, especially after his career. But, good God, he was Walter Payton!! Lots of guys work hard, because they have to overcome a lack of talent. Walter worked hard when he didn’t have to, and worked harder than everyone else. He was on another level, and he was always clutch. Money!

I love this particular group of Cubs right now. I wish we had an Aubrey Huff to play left, but other than that, I’m going to mix myself a little Kool-aid and count on Reg’lar Joe coming back to save games for us. I feel good about the chemistry. I feel good about the balance of the lineup. I feel good knowing that Todd Hollandsworth has finally figured out that he need to wear a shinguard up to the plate. I feel like I can count on baserunners on second scoring, or advancing to third, or at the very least, staying on second, and not getting picked off. I can and will root for this bunch of guys to win it all in 2005.

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2/21/2005 02:30:00 PM by Rob

A NASCAR fan in a Blue State

I am a NASCAR fan, and I believe I am the only one in my whole office, which makes me unique, if I can put it charitably.
I don’t get a whole lotta love for my guys who only know how to turn left, and that’s ok. Imagine this, I work amongst a whole office full of people who look at me strangely whenever I say “Git Er Done”, and couldn’t tell a Jeff Gordon from a Jeff Burton. (Burton's a hick, and Gordon's a pr---)

Very very casual golf fans only watch the Masters. Very very casual baseball fans might only watch parts of the World Series. And very very casual NeckCar fans only watch The Daytona 500 (The Great American Race, a registered Trademark of NASCAR). I understand that, I accept that, and I pity the poor people who only watch Daytona.

Because it sucks.

It’s worse than an NBA game, where you only need watch the last two minutes. The Daytona 500 is 3 and a half grueling hours, and that’s just the pre-race. Then the race itself is another 3 grueling hours of watching 35 cars Screaming past at 185 MPH, three wide, within 3 feet of one another. I understand when the casual fan starts nodding off and reaching for the Food Channel. I could sit here and try to convince you how much concentration this takes to ride Bumper-to-bumper at 3 miles a minute for 490 miles, but you’d never believe me.

Then, in the last ten minutes, some finally gives in, and lessens his concentration, his grip with reality, and scoots a few feet one way or another. This is usually enough to cause the 26-car pileups that have made the name for restrictor plate racing. Whomever’s left, which is usually some amalgam of Dale Jr., Gordon, Johnson, and a couple of others, then races like it matters for the last 4 laps. Once in a great while, a legendary figure hits a wall with 100 Gs of force, and snaps his head off at the neck.

But even that isn’t real good TV. Yesterday, Scott Wimmer turned his stock car into a tornado simulation, spinning like a top over ten revolutions, and walked out without a scratch. When Dale #3 (God Rest His Soul) hit the wall in 2001, it didn’t look like anything more than a hard bump. The spectacular wreckx are actually the safest, as long as the roll cage remains intact, because the sheer force of tearing the car apart is dissipated, sparing the driver. On the other hand, ALL of the force in Dale’s big bump was absorbed by his neck, leaving his car practically totally intact.

Anyway, Daytona is NOT a nice NASCAR sampler platter. The race is run with restrictor plates, a very low-tech piece of metal that is inserted into everyone’s engine to equalize their speed. It is the most costly race, which discourages a lot of risk-taking. It is the first race of the year, so little bad blood or vitriol is spilled.

No, if you only want to watch one NeckCar race a year, for a good picture of the action, choose a race at a small track like Darlington or Bristol, tracks barely larger than a high-school running track, where the guys run 95 mph with absolutely NO room between yourself and your worst adversaries. Guys smash the fuck out of one another in (and out of) their cars. Daytona is kind of like the All-Star game and the Pro Bowl rolled up into one.

Before you knock it, watch a real race and make up yer mind.

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2/18/2005 03:52:00 PM by Rob

Who Would You Do, part deux

The girl, at left, who made up the story about Brad Pitt hitting on her? I guess it's plausible. I'd hit on her...with my big sticky!

The girl in the jewelry commercial, where the little kid is telling her that “Brian likes her” and she agrees, because she got a cheap-assed $99 pendant from some mall jeweler…oh yeah, I’d pound that like a cheap steak I want to chicken-fry.

How about the woman who’s married to the doofus who didn’t check all the car insurance options he had, so she hands over the cheap football helmet phone to him…yah, mission style, so I can see all her fuck faces every time I smash my weight down on her.

The young mom in “Son of the Mask”, who leaves her baby with Jamie Kennedy?? while she’s away on “business”. Um, just because she plays a doof in a movie don’t mean I wouldn’t hit that, hit that! She must have flown to Chicago, to service the Sloth.

How about the Bachelorette? No, I wouldn’t even sniff her skank ass, but did any of you watch the first episode, where her best friends were posing as bartenders? I’d do the tall one, what, what? Winner of the Nordic Combined: hair, tits, teeth. Alles gut.

For my homeys: how about Guv’nor Rod’s wife? I keep going back to the word “doofus”, but have you seen his haircut? What else could possibly fill the bill, besides “doofboy”? DillRod, maybe. Anyway, Ramrod, you’re wife’s hot. I’d do her.

I’ve always wanted to do Lisa Loeb. Dumb dorky lezzie glasses are ok, but if she’d take them off, that would be xtra special. Of course, I could spray them specs like they do on girlswithglasses.com

I don’t know what it is with dinky-assed Channel 8 news out of the Quad Cities, but it seems to be a haven for marginally-talented chicks that build strong bones 8 different ways, like Wonder bread. Barbara Dawson & Julie Sisk are just plain finger-lickin’ good, and Vanessa Van Hyfte looks like she spent some time in the Extreme Makeover tour bus. I’d even do ol’ Karetha Dodd, just so she can go back into her past and shout “I object” every time I’d slam her ass cheeks from behind.

Just don’t gimme no Michelle Aguayo. There’s a reason why you work in Moline for 12 years, and it has a lot to do with mas cerveza y muy mas tortillas.

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2/17/2005 10:00:00 AM by Rob

What they aren’t saying about SamMe Sosa

What did Mark Prior say about SamMe: “Obviously, it’s better for all involved that he isn’t here…he was the face of the Cubs for so many years, you know, some years where they weren’t going good.”
What DIDN’T Mark say: “I wasn’t on, and had no part in, the losing Cub teams.”
What ELSE didn’t he say: “Sammy Sosa is a loser.”

What did Todd Hollandsworth say about Sammy Sosa: “There won’t be any extenuating circumstances hanging over us this year.”
What DIDN’T Todd say: “Sammy was a distraction.”
What else didn’t he say: “I should get more playing time this year.”

What did Carlos Zambrano say about SamMe: “Don’t ask me. Ask Dusty, ask Hendry, go to Baltimore and ask Sammy.”
What DIDN’T Carlos say: “Sammy was the Man amongst us Latins, him and Moises, so it kind of sucks to see him gone. However I feel about him, I don’t want to be on record saying anything bad about him, because this is a small world, and it would get back to him, and I don’t want one of his brothers flying over to my house in Venezuela, to fuck with my wife and kids.”
What ELSE didn’t Carlos say: “I still don’t like giving interviews.”

What did Kerry Wood say about Sammy Sosa: nothing.
What DIDN’T Kerry say: “When he was still with us this winter, I went out of my way to assure one and all that we would be as professional about it as we could, even if he was still with us in 2005. I have said all I am going to say about it, and even though he is gone, I am sticking to my story.”
What ELSE didn’t he say: “I smashed his mother-fucking boombox, and I wish it was his head!!”

What did Dusty Baker say about SamMe: nothing, either.
What DIDN’T Dusty say: Everything.
What SHOULD Dusty have said: “This is my team now, and we will win or lose with the team on the field now. Dude.”
What should Dusty have REALIZED: “It’s all up to me. No excuses, no distractions, nothing is left from before me. I better win, or else. Dude.”

What did Kyle Farnsworth say yesterday: “Phew!! This skank don’t clean her snack bar!”
What should Kyle be saying: “I throw 102 mph, yet they traded me for Bo Flowers, and they were damn happy to do so? I must really be a dickhead!”

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2/16/2005 09:08:00 AM by Rob

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT!!!

Love Is In the Air, volume 2

Run, don't walk, to your nearest Macy's, because Mary Kay Letourneau and her young friend Vili (the Throwin' Samoan) are getting married, and items on their registry are going fast. Don't miss out on your chance to get these two lovebirds off to a good start to their married life!

Next question: why is Rachel McAdams the newest member of the Sloth's All Majestic Five?



Let me count the reasons:

1) She was the main smokin' hott "Mean Girl" in "Mean Girls"
2) She was the smokin' hot young love interest in "The Notebook"
3) She was the "hot chick" in "The Hot Chick" (see above)
4) She constricts the blood vessels in my groinal regions.

As an old drinking buddy said once, "I'd eat the shit out of her corn". Yep, that's what he said.

He also used to say things like these, every time shots were poured:

Here's to the breezes
That flows through the treezes
and blows the little girls skirts
above their kneezes
that exposes the spot
that makes us so hot
that pleezes
and teezes
and even spreads diseezes
Oh, Jeezus!
What A Snatch!!
DOWN THE HATCH!!!

Nutts, I love ya, man, and I miss ya. He ain't gone-gone, but, you know, he's the only one of us who still has time for such things as World Class Championship Barstool Riding...

Anyhoo, what the fuck does ANY of this have to do with this, one of the greatest of all days, right there with the Super Bowl, March Madness, and Calibration Day at Indy? Nothing, nothing at all.

It's just a great day, the first day without the big swollen Sosa, a team you can like and get behind, going after it for 2005!!

Go Cubs!!

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2/15/2005 11:24:00 AM by Rob

I’m mildly disappointed

I caught some hell about Rush, but nothing on Boston? I realize everyone OWNS Boston, but it has been trendy for about 20 years to rip the band for being over-the-top commercial and overproduced. Maybe it’s all been said before, maybe that’s the reason why you all let that one slip.

And yes, “Highway to Hell” over “Back in Black”. “Black” is just so obvious. I like it as much as the next guy, and I would be willing to sign a petition to make it a law that it must be in every jukebox in the world, not that the law is strictly necessary. I rode every night for about 9 months in Thorn’s dad’s LTD2, and he only owned one 8-track, and we would just play “Walk All Over You” again and again, even though it fucking broke in the middle to the next channel. Best song intro in the bizness.

And I knew that Chuck-o-san would be all over my shit about Corey batting third. Yes, I know that Corey does NOT get on base, that he has lived under the delusion all along that he is a middle-of-the-order hitter. But you know what? I for one feel that he has earned the right to BE that hitter. I sure as hell don’t want him batting leadoff, or second. And he always loses interest when he bats sixth or seventh, and I don’t want him hitting eighth, because then he’d NEVER see a pitch in the strike zone. For all his faults, he did manage 65 extra base hits last year, and I only see that increasing in the next couple of years.

It’s time to find out if this guy is a winner, or a loser, once and for all.

Jose, Canseco.

Gawd almighty, say what you will, but I was shooting milk out my nose when I read that Mark Grace would literally find himself a “slump-breaker” and pound her like troutmeat whenever he was in a hitting slump. The mental image of Mr. Lucky Strike himself leading a big ol’ pig out of a hotel bar, up the elevator to his suite, and just fucking SNAPPING OFF on her Dogg style, his muscular forearms just yanking her lovehandles as he slams his pelvis against her, with that flabby assfat shimmering and flapping like a flag in a hurricane. A grunt and a groan, and even before she gets a chance to roll over and ask for a kiss, he’s already got his belt buckled, his pants zipped up, tucking his shirttail in as he’s heading for the door.

It is going to be good to just sit back and watch the fallout, who sues who, who fingers who, who leads the league in homers this year with 31?

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2/14/2005 09:18:00 AM by Rob

Happy Valentine’s Day edition

In no particular order, the Uncouth Sloth’s all-time Top Ten Albums:

“Nevermind”, Nirvana
“Moving Pictures”, Rush
“Paranoid”, Black Sabbath
“Some Girls”, Rolling Stones
“Boston”, Boston
“Rumours”, Fleetwood Mac
“War”, U2
“Highway to Hell”, AC/DC
“The Cars”, The Cars
“MCMXCII”, Enigma

Honorable Mention: “Equinox”, Styx, cause, uh, something special happened to me while it was playing.

Debbie Gibson:

Nice career move, Debbie. Personally, I’m pleased as punch you posed nude for Playboy, and I’m sure I’ll take some time later today to rub one out, and in the minute, miniscule, microscopic chance you are reading this today, kudos on them nice firm purty titties. You've aged REAL well, kid. Maybe you were hurtin’ for the cash, or maybe you’re just a sexually confused slut.

Because, to this observer’s eyes, the one thing that has dragged you down lo these many years is the fact that people lump you with Tiffany, and since as you know, ol’ Tiff flashed her big ol’ mama nipples in Playboy a few years back, you’ve managed to cement yourself to her for all perpetuity.

Which really isn’t fair. You’re both the same age, and you both did “mall tours” in the mid-to-late-eighties. But all she ever did was sing lame covers of Tommy James songs, while you, YOU, little girl, you WROTE all your own songs, you PLAYED all your own instruments, YOU had musical talent, babe. And while she went on to sleep with her managers, have kids out of wedlock, and sleep in trailer courts, you starred on Broadway!

You have twelve thousand times the talent that Tiffany ever had, and you’re ten times better looking, even though I love them redheads, hell yeah. If she were blond, I wouldn’t even belch in her direction. But I gotta tell ya, when I google your images, all SORTS of shit pops up with your name on it. A man would have NO trouble at all, at all, gettin’ a peekie at them boobies of yours. What’s the deal, kiddo? Are you an exhibitionist?

WAIT!! Are you…a nympho? God damn….look, Debbie, my e-mail’s on the left hand side over there. Name the time and place, and I’ll pencil you in.

Just, you know, you’re paying. I don’t want that charge on my Visa, know what I’m sayin?

It’s all on YOU, Dusty

It’s time to win, Johnnie B. Since we sent Sosa packing, now all of a sudden, YOU’RE one of the highest paid employees of the Tribune. Hendry got rid of everybody that you had to “cover for”. You don’t have to wake up the Farns, you don’t have to jerk SamMe’s chicken, you don’t have to break up fights between your players and the announcers, and you don’t have to worry about that big mean Steve Stone second guessing you up in the booth.

You still don’t get it, that Hawkins can’t close games, but I figure Hendry is going to have to take yet ANOTHER meeting with you, to give you some more adult education on how to manage a bullpen. But now, you have lefty-right flexibility, you have relievers literally streaming out of yer ass, and the Deadbirds and AssTrolls appear to have gotten worse, not better, this winter.

If it were me, I’d trot this out every single day:

LF Hairston Switch
SS Garciaparra R
CF Patterson L
3B Ramirez R
RF Burnitz L
1B Lee R
2B Walker L
C Barrett R

You get my point. If you think Walker should be moved up, and Burnitz or Patterson moved down, I won’t put up much of an argument. But for the first time in recent memory, opposing pitching staffs will go nuts dealing with our offensive balance, and while we won’t lead the league in homers, maybe we can score 50 more runs this year. That ain’t asking too much?

It’s on YOU, Dusty. Don’t FUCK it up!

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2/10/2005 09:45:00 AM by Rob

Hi there!





I'm Elisabeth Rouffaer, the winning quarterback in Lingerie Bowl II!! The Sloth, the sweetie, asked me to stop by to tell all of you that he is thinking of you, and is thinking of things to say about the Cubs, Sammy Sosa, Kyle Farnsworth, and of course, pretty girls like me! He's soooo funny...and best of all, he appreciates me as a serious athelete. Like, totally!

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2/07/2005 03:39:00 PM by Rob

Just in case you were wondering

I am currently on double secret probation at work for my excessive internet usage, particularly when it comes to sports-related sites. I find out the full extent of my fate on Wednesday, and in the meantime, and perhaps afterwards, all meaningful updates will have to be done off-hours.

And in order to paint you a mental picture of just how motivated I am about off-hours internet usage, imagine Ken Caminiti's shrunken nutts on the day he died.

If it should happen that I never post again, I guess somebody's raisinesque testes is as good a sendoff as possible.

But that's far too premature: I'll get back on here, particularly as the boys in blue start chucking the ball around, and the boys in orange work their way to the Big Dance.

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2/04/2005 08:35:00 AM by Rob

Keira Knightley update



Kudos to my homeboy Smith a/k/a Thorn, who points out that young luscious Keira will go topless in "The Jacket" due out later this year.

Yep, as Limp Bizkit would say, take off your pants and Jacket.

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2/03/2005 03:44:00 PM by Rob

Sabine says hi

The Sloth got pinched BIG TIME at work about my internet usage. While they're standing on my nutts, I'll have to do my dirty work at night, when the anklebiters let me.

Plus, I still need to send SamMe off in a appropriate manner. Anyone knows what rhymes with fistfucker?

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2/02/2005 10:52:00 AM by Rob

WOW, they want to.....sign Jeromy Burnitz?

Well, thank you for your kind wishes. It got even hairier. My wife woke up the night before the funeral with a sharp pain under her ribcage, and eventually we went to the hospital. They figured out pretty quickly that her gallbladder was shot, and they wanted to yank it, but she couldn't do it right then, you know. She had to go to her dad's funeral.

Well, we made it (barely) through the services, and as soon as she stepped into our new, semi-expensive SUV, she puked everywhere. She went back to the hospital, whereupon the gallbladder burst during removal. I think they kind of panicked, and shot her all full up with morphine. So they had to keep her overnight, and she just got home. I'm hoping the hysterics and drama ends right here.

So I've really only had one eye on the Sosa trade, and what appears to be an effort to bring the clumsy behemoth Jeromy Burnitz to the club. At this point in time, both are almost a done deal, so I will forego dancing on top of SamMe's Cub Grave for now.

I'm on record now of being against bringing in Burnitz, because it just doesn't feel right. I realize that this IS the number one place in all the world to read all about how "The Cubs Must Win Now", I still feel as strongly as ever about this. This club was constructed, from the manager on down, with a very fragile psyche and a critical mass of talent, to win in a small window, and that window is shutting in October. If they do not win this year, say g'day to Dusty, g'day to Nomar, who knows what to Ramirez, Zambrano, Prior, to list a few who are eligible to become Yankees in the next coupla years. Burnitz MAY hustle, and he MAY run into the ivory, right, Juan Pierre? But he WILL strike out a lot, he WILL leave men in scoring position, and he MAY run over someone else in the outfield, someone of more value, like Corey or DLee.

He can run a holyroller over Todd Walker, for all I care.

I don't think the Reds are going to send Austin Kearns over to us, and I'm not all that hopped up to have to face the Farns 18 times a year in a Reds uniform. (Is that Wilson guy still on the team? How would THAT work?). This is an odd year, and for less than 2 million, if they're stuck with Farns, I'm ok with that. But I'd be even happier if we could use him to pry Aubrey Huff away from Grampa Bay.

So would the Farns...he's made serious inroads over the years in the burgeoning Tampa/St. Pete stripper community. It's his second home!!

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