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Tuesday, February 22

Jokes we love, athletes we love, and baseball teams we love

A lady was sitting on a hot, crowded bus next to a swarthy man, who was shouting into a cell phone:

“First Emma come. Then I come. Then two asses come. Then I come again.”

The lady can barely contain herself.

The man continues to shout, “Then the two asses, they’a come again. I then-a come again. Then comes the pee-pee’s. Finally, I come-a one last time.”

The lady is absolutely furious by now. “How dare you talk about such things in public, you filthy pig? I don’t know how long you’ve been in this country, but here, in America, we do not talk about things like sex in public, certainly not on a crowded bus where everyone can hear you!!”

“What-a sex, lady? Im-a trying to teach my boy how to spell “Mississippi”?”


I was thinking today about athletes I love, besides the obvious ones: Ryno, Ernie, Sweet-swinging Billy Williams from Whistler, Alabama. Pegleg Ron. Fergie, Mad Dog, Prior, Woody, Z. I love Z.

The Hawk. Yes, I love the Hawk, just because I’m not sure he should be in the HOF don’t mean I don’t love him. I’ll never forget 1987, when we won 77 games, and finished last. Most years, 77 wins will get you third or fourth, easy. Without Andre Dawson, that team would have won about 30.

I was thinking about it because Denis Savard was in a commercial about quitting smoking, and it was hilarious, a near perfect score on the Unintentional Comedy Scale, and I realized something: I Love Denis Savard!! Him, and Al Secord, and Ed Belfour, most of the late 80’s Hawks.

I love Darrell Waltrip, his brother Michael, and Dale Jr., too. I love Kenny Wallace, although his brother Rusty is a fucking whiner.

I love Brett Favre, sorry to say, he’s the Antichrist as far as true Bears fans are. I’m not amongst them, so I can openly respect him. He’s not so hot anymore, but I’ll never forget the press conference they had in I believe the summer of ’97 or ’98, when they announced he was fighting an addiction to Vicodins. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. I was in the middle of a bar, and I announced to one and all that day that Green Bay was winning the Super Bowl that year, without question, and if anybody there had half a brain, they would put a hundo on the Pack right fucking now! Nobody listened, not even myself…too bad.

I love Barry Sanders, Warren Sapp. Sir Charles. Shaq-Foo. Kobe can keep bending over beefy white chicks, for all I care. He’s an ass. I love Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon. Derek Jeter, too, believe it or not. He’s a winner, so is Tom Brady and Adam Vinaterri. And Big Shot Rob Horry.

At this time last year, I didn’t think much of ol’ Brian Urlacher, Linebacker. It seemed to me to be a completely racial thing how every crew-cut white guy was wearing ‘54’, the guy threw over his wife and kid for the likes of Paris Hilton, and I made him out to be the poster child for OverRated. But, I gotta tell you, I watched Bears football closely this year, and I’m taking him off of the campaign. He is a Difference Maker, and his fat wife is a shrew. So I love Brian Urlacher.

I loved the Fridge and Dan Hampton and Otis Wilson, Jimbo Covert, and you had to love Sweetness. I’m not sure he wasn’t guilty of a little hanky-panky, especially after his career. But, good God, he was Walter Payton!! Lots of guys work hard, because they have to overcome a lack of talent. Walter worked hard when he didn’t have to, and worked harder than everyone else. He was on another level, and he was always clutch. Money!

I love this particular group of Cubs right now. I wish we had an Aubrey Huff to play left, but other than that, I’m going to mix myself a little Kool-aid and count on Reg’lar Joe coming back to save games for us. I feel good about the chemistry. I feel good about the balance of the lineup. I feel good knowing that Todd Hollandsworth has finally figured out that he need to wear a shinguard up to the plate. I feel like I can count on baserunners on second scoring, or advancing to third, or at the very least, staying on second, and not getting picked off. I can and will root for this bunch of guys to win it all in 2005.