2/14/2005 09:18:00 AM by Rob

Happy Valentine’s Day edition

In no particular order, the Uncouth Sloth’s all-time Top Ten Albums:

“Nevermind”, Nirvana
“Moving Pictures”, Rush
“Paranoid”, Black Sabbath
“Some Girls”, Rolling Stones
“Boston”, Boston
“Rumours”, Fleetwood Mac
“War”, U2
“Highway to Hell”, AC/DC
“The Cars”, The Cars
“MCMXCII”, Enigma

Honorable Mention: “Equinox”, Styx, cause, uh, something special happened to me while it was playing.

Debbie Gibson:

Nice career move, Debbie. Personally, I’m pleased as punch you posed nude for Playboy, and I’m sure I’ll take some time later today to rub one out, and in the minute, miniscule, microscopic chance you are reading this today, kudos on them nice firm purty titties. You've aged REAL well, kid. Maybe you were hurtin’ for the cash, or maybe you’re just a sexually confused slut.

Because, to this observer’s eyes, the one thing that has dragged you down lo these many years is the fact that people lump you with Tiffany, and since as you know, ol’ Tiff flashed her big ol’ mama nipples in Playboy a few years back, you’ve managed to cement yourself to her for all perpetuity.

Which really isn’t fair. You’re both the same age, and you both did “mall tours” in the mid-to-late-eighties. But all she ever did was sing lame covers of Tommy James songs, while you, YOU, little girl, you WROTE all your own songs, you PLAYED all your own instruments, YOU had musical talent, babe. And while she went on to sleep with her managers, have kids out of wedlock, and sleep in trailer courts, you starred on Broadway!

You have twelve thousand times the talent that Tiffany ever had, and you’re ten times better looking, even though I love them redheads, hell yeah. If she were blond, I wouldn’t even belch in her direction. But I gotta tell ya, when I google your images, all SORTS of shit pops up with your name on it. A man would have NO trouble at all, at all, gettin’ a peekie at them boobies of yours. What’s the deal, kiddo? Are you an exhibitionist?

WAIT!! Are you…a nympho? God damn….look, Debbie, my e-mail’s on the left hand side over there. Name the time and place, and I’ll pencil you in.

Just, you know, you’re paying. I don’t want that charge on my Visa, know what I’m sayin?

It’s all on YOU, Dusty

It’s time to win, Johnnie B. Since we sent Sosa packing, now all of a sudden, YOU’RE one of the highest paid employees of the Tribune. Hendry got rid of everybody that you had to “cover for”. You don’t have to wake up the Farns, you don’t have to jerk SamMe’s chicken, you don’t have to break up fights between your players and the announcers, and you don’t have to worry about that big mean Steve Stone second guessing you up in the booth.

You still don’t get it, that Hawkins can’t close games, but I figure Hendry is going to have to take yet ANOTHER meeting with you, to give you some more adult education on how to manage a bullpen. But now, you have lefty-right flexibility, you have relievers literally streaming out of yer ass, and the Deadbirds and AssTrolls appear to have gotten worse, not better, this winter.

If it were me, I’d trot this out every single day:

LF Hairston Switch
SS Garciaparra R
CF Patterson L
3B Ramirez R
RF Burnitz L
1B Lee R
2B Walker L
C Barrett R

You get my point. If you think Walker should be moved up, and Burnitz or Patterson moved down, I won’t put up much of an argument. But for the first time in recent memory, opposing pitching staffs will go nuts dealing with our offensive balance, and while we won’t lead the league in homers, maybe we can score 50 more runs this year. That ain’t asking too much?

It’s on YOU, Dusty. Don’t FUCK it up!

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