12/30/2004 11:24:00 AM by Rob

Happy New Beer

Just a quick wish for a happy 2005 for all of you Cub Fans, perverts and just people in general who like to think for themselves.

It's GOT to be better than the one we just endured.

One small glimmer of hope for next year: it appears that the idea of signing Carlos Beltran is NOT dead, and not necessarily dependent on the trading of SamMe Sosa. At least according to the Trib.

However, the SunTimes still thinks their chances are dead.

Happy New Year, all.

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12/29/2004 10:46:00 AM by Rob

The Apocalypse

First off, this ain't no "big girl", Chuckster:

But, of much larger import, is this the end of the world?

Late October: Red Sox win World Series

Early November: Americans vote Bush to oval office, citing "moral issues"

Late November: Ron Artest and other Indiana Pacers cut loose in wild brawl with fans

Early December: Plague of locusts overrun Australia, Mexico, India

Mid December: Mass murder via suicide bomber intensifies in Iraq

Late December: A 600x200 MILE portion of the Earth contracts unto itself, causing tsunamis that kill hundreds of thousands

What's next? A massive explosion occurs in an African fertilizer plant, turning the Nile blood red? A unprecendented volcano eruption occurs, blotting the sun out for three days? The Cubs go over the $100 million mark in player salaries? Four scourges in woolen business suits drive luxed-out Hummers from the four corners of the Earth to sue the great corporations of the world for fraud and improper practices, in the name of Sarbannes-Oxley?

Me, I'm stocking up on canned goods, gold, drinking water, and lubricants.

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12/28/2004 11:31:00 AM by Rob

American Idol

Sammy Sosa?

Or Kelly Clarkson? I know which way I'm leaning, myself.

Last Fearless prediction for 2004: The Sammy Sosa caper will stretch on even longer than the Boras/Maddux hostage seige last winter, but eventually the trade will go down, leaving us with a batting order as such:

2B - Todd Walker
SS - Nomahhhh Gahceeapah-ra
3B - Aramis Ramirez
RF - Magglio Ordonez
1B - Derrek Lee
LF - Cliff Floyd
CF - Corey Patterson
C - Michael Barrett

With this lineup, there will be days when homers will leave the yard. There will be days when this lineup refuses to establish any baserunners.

I'm through waiting for Carlos Beltran. I can't possibly count on it happening. I will assume it will be fine for Cubs management to see him employed outside the division, to a New York or LA based team.

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12/20/2004 01:09:00 PM by Rob

Merry Christmas; Bears fans are morans

Today will be my season-ending post. I will also post one over at the Goat Riders. This one will be far more filthy, and philosophical, and fun.



While we sit all snug in our beds, while Walt Jocketty appeases his toothless minions by obtaining a Mark Mulder, and Sammy Sosa celebrates his third marriage, albeit twice to the same girl, by making more chimp-like Sosas, let us ruminate about yesterday's "Bear Weather" debacle against the newly formed Houston Texans.

Plainly put, you show me somebody woofing about "Bear Weather", and I'll show you a knuckle-dragging mouth breathing troglodyte, who lives in his mama's basement, salts fries or streets for a living, and couldn't possibly tell you the difference between shit and shinola. These genetically-shortchanged horseflies who cower at the altar of Ditka, a man who last coached in anger over twelve years ago..

..of course, during the Packer game yesterday, there was a drooling pusbag wearing a bishop's mitre with "Saint Vince" painted on it. That misogynistic dickpuller has been feeding worms since I was a little kid. I guess the sheer inability to live one's life in the present is not lost just on Chicagoans.

Two weeks ago, you geniuses were stuttin' large in the hallways and the sidewalks about the Playoffs!!! For chrissakes, win one game in this town, REGARDLESS OF THE CURRENT RECORD, and WE'RE GOING TO THE BIG DANCE!! Lose one game, and the sky is fucking falling!! The Russkies finally launched da nukes!!

The Russkies? Haven't you heard? Evil wears a ten-gallon hat a turban, fellas.

God Bless Lovie Smith, for this is not his fault. But his problems, while profound, are simple to remedy. All one must do to help the Loveman, is to cut the following goldbricking fuckmonkeys, in this order:

David Terrell
Qasim Mitchell
Aaron Gibson
Steve Edwards
Desmond Clark
Terrence Metcalf
Chad Hutchinson
Craig Krenzel
Marc Colombo
Bobby Wade
and...I don't remember his fucking name. The first backup we played...#12. The guy Terry Shea loves. He has to go, too.

Quinn. That's his name.

Just draft all offensive linemen and receivers the next draft, go into camp with Grossman, George, and some guy hitchhiking along I-57 at QB...how can it be any worse than this year?

The Tribune still has the unmitigated gall to print today that the Bears are not yet mathematically eliminated. Of course, remember, this is the same organization that is banking on Todd Hollandsworth to play 155 games in LF next year.

So with only a few shopping days left until the celebration of the birth of our Lord, our savior Jesus Christ, please make a special effort between now and then, to put down the Strat-o-Matic, pick your butt off of the chair, and try to reconnect with at least one loved one. We tend to over-exert ourselves during this season in a mad rush to make the holiday "special", and we lose track about what is important, the feelings of our spouses, children, parents, grandparents, or maybe just a close friend you have not taken the time with lately. We all need some love.



Me, I have several calls in to Mark Prior's people. I want him and his bovine wife to come to my house, relax, and partake in a simple meal of sides-o-beef, and plain, quiet, simple conversation. I want Mark and his bride to know how much we love him, and that he IS special.

God loves us all, no matter which side of the Bush-Kerry line you live on.



Except for Don Rumsfeld. Nobody loves his crabby ass. Fucking shitblockage. Merry christmas in Hell, warmonger. Out of Iraq by 2008, my tuckus. Even the Red states won't stand for that shit. Keep playing Marco Polo with Bin Laden, since you couldn't fucking beat a six-year-old in Stratego, let alone Risk, and the rest of us will go to church and pray.

Come home soon, God willing.

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12/17/2004 02:15:00 PM by Rob

Alright, I don't seem to be getting through to anybody anymore:



There! Let's talk about THAT for awhile....

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12/16/2004 03:23:00 PM by Rob

It's good to be right, but...

I didn't see the show last night where Walker called Sosa a disappointment, and Mercker piled on wanting to rip the 'C' off of Sammy's sunken chest, and Stoney chipped in with what is the truest statement of all, that Sosa acts above the team because he's been PLACED above the team since the Larry Himes days.

Glad to see people close to the situation fall right...in...line with the Sloth. Who the fuck has been saying this shit all along? Who was the only one in America choking on his own PUKE when the rest of the world couldn't WAIT to rub Sammy's fuzzy little balls in 1998? Who has been telling one and all, incurring the wrath of millions of SammySosaAssLickers everywhere, that the big fucking rummy was on the juice, and since he had to get off, he's been shrinking like a raisin?

Who saw through all of his "I grew up poor" bullshit, and exposed him like the fucking sideshow fraud that he is? If the rumbottle didn't convince you, if the testimony of dozens of ex-Cubs meant nothing to you, if the cork meant nothing, the refusal to rehab in the minors, his blowing off the CubConvention, his always being late to Spring Training, the stolen $20,000 left in a towel, the frequent family emergencies right in the middle of division races...capped off by his early departure this year, and then his ranting about being disrespected.

Sammy, if you were a horse, we'd have to put you down.

But we need to trade him, and it's OK for ME to rant and rave about the fuckstick. I don't think Omar Minaya reads me. I don't think Theo Epstein reads me. You get my drift...but they all watch ESPN, and it was always my belief and my hope that the rest of the country still LOVED the Gladiator.

But the more that is written and said, the more the rest of the non-Cubs world is coming around to the notion that Sosa is a useless, selfish, expensive jackload that everyone would be best served avoiding like a wretching bum in the gutter.

I'm sure you all can see how that hurts our chances to get rid of him.

To ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, ESPN, SI.com, Sporting News, Tribune Corp, AOL Time Warner, Comcast, and everyone else that I've missed...

...SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Shut the fuck up about him. He's great, okay?

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12/15/2004 02:59:00 PM by Rob

And now, a message from the Red States

I am more or less taking dictation from Dale, a friend of my Uncle's, who is also named Dale, down South.



How-dee!! This is Dale, and ah'm usually a Cardinal fan in baseball, but to be honest whichyoo, baseball comes in way down on mah book, below first my beloved Vols, not that I went to school there, and below my high school football on fridays, not that I went to school there, either, and below them Titans, what was once the Oilers. Oh yeah, and NASCAR. Can't forget them boys, and Junior especially.

So baseball is like, fourth.

Well, but yew wanted to talk about them Cubs, and how they can trade away that Sammy Sosa. Yeah, we've heard all about that big old turdburglar, and honestly, I don't know what you want with a colored boy like him, anyhow. Sometimes when I hear you crackers all teared up about losing a ni**er like him, I just want to laugh, so that the sody pop shoots out my nose.

But I also hear talk about trading that there Kyle Farnsworth, who's just a good old boy like us, and sometimes I wonder if them boys up in Chicago know which way to pull up their underwears. I mean, they show that radar gun on the screen on them WGN games, and you all can see that he's throwin' a hunner-a-two miles per hour, that's smoke, mister.

If Kyle's having trouble, it's 'cause of them boogies he's been playin' under the past few years. First it was that Baylor fella, and everone knows Baylor sucks. They get beat 72-to-zip ever Saturday in football. Then its that Baker boy, and everone knows that nigras aren't smart enough to manage!

I mean, you ever seen one managing a bank, or a supermarket? Hell naw, all you ever seem them boys runnin' is maybe a mechanic shop or maybe a farm crew. Real dirty, low class jobs. Hell, if they're so damn tough, hows come you never see one on a Harley? No, sir, you don't ever see that!!

I'm always havin' an argument with my cousin Billy up in Alsip, and he says ni**ers are tougher than sp**ks, and to prove it, him and his friends keep running onto the field and attacking them mexican first base coaches and umpires.

Anyway, you (meaning ME, the Sloth) wanna trade both Sosa AND Farnsworth, and I think you're making a terrible mistake there by giving up on a strong hoss like Kyle.

Anyway, your uncle said you might have a few bucks you could lend me, and I was thinking...

<>

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12/15/2004 08:20:00 AM by Rob

Giving thanks this holiday season

In my attempts to fully emulate one of my web idols, the Sports Guy, I have been out the last couple of days with a bad back.

I just want to briefly give thanks to a couple of wonderful guys...first of all, to the Hawk from the Coven, who saved me from CubsTalk, who gave me the moniker The Uncouth Sloth, and who recently sent me the ratemycameltoe site I featured.

Next, I want to thank ajsacki, who sent me a whole passel of cameltoes for breakfast this morning. God bless both of you fine men.



Thru jeans...the way the Toe should be seen.

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Monday, December 13

12/13/2004 10:46:00 AM by Rob

The Closer Conundrum

Sounds like the 2005 Cub closer is going to come down to a battle royale between JoeBlow and Dumpster, with Hawkins in the background as the emergency closer in case of emergency. All three Chicago papers doth quoteth Lord Jim Hendry and his medieval haircut with precisely this scenario.

Well, not precisely. He also mentioned Farnsworth, as if he could refrain from shitting down his leg if he ever had to throw pitches in the last inning.

I know you all lost sleep waiting to hear what I, the Sloth, think of this. Not surprisingly, considering the lack of venom lately, I think this is as good of an idea as any. I think the past year has proven that closing is more of a state of mind than physical prowess.

Sure, it helps when you can throw a Bruce Sutter-type forkball or a Billy Wagner laser. BUT, which relief pitcher in the bigs threw more pitches over 100 mph, according to STATS, Inc? Wagner? Get real...it was Cap'n Tightpants! But can he get them over the plate in the ninth inning? Shit, you're lucky if you can get him through the EIGHTH without fucking things up.

No, Kyle Farns #44 was BORN to pitch the seventh. Maybe, when he grows up and his testosterone levels finally start to wane, he might have enough on the ball to pitch the eighth. Now, Hawkins has a smidge more control over his psychological urges, in that he has no problem with the eighth.

See, we COULD really have something here...the chance to win a BUNCH of six-inning games. Farns does the 7th, Hawkins the 8th, and the Closer Du Jour the ninth. And since we have probably the best starting staff in the whole barnyard, this could be a great strategic advantage next year.

We could probably even carry Sosa's unproductive ass for one more year, if need be. Not that we'll have much say in the matter.

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Sunday, December 12

12/12/2004 04:26:00 PM by Rob

Three Cheers for Garry Trudeau

Fucking classic...

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Friday, December 10

12/10/2004 01:56:00 PM by Rob

Jessica Biel, part deux

Jessica can be seen this week in the new movie "Blade 3 - Trinity".



What does this have to do with the Cubs? Not a damn thing.

There are much better actresses, and for sure there are far cuter ones. There are some that combine both. But the 5-foot-8 inch Jessica still, in my opinion, has the best body in the bizness.

I love to watch her move. I love to watch her run, jump, crawl. I love to watch her sit, and I love to watch her lie down. I would, and have, watched true excrement on the TV tube in order to see her in her scenes.

If she had to live on her abilities alone, she would probably have run home years ago to sell real estate. As long as she has THAT body, though, she's going to get work wearing a wife-beater while being chased by a dude with a chainsaw. Or wearing skin-tight lycra while slinging arrows of fire.

I nominate her as the next worthy successor to Marla Collins. There, some Cub content for you.

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Wednesday, December 8

12/08/2004 08:48:00 AM by Rob

Nomar is in the fold

And, in a totally unexpected move, Hendry went out and got the better of the Maddux caddies, replacing the rancid Paul Bako with the passable Henry Blanco.

In the meantime, Alou, Grud, and Mercker, a/k/a Death, Famine, and Pestilence, have been cut loose to berate umpires, coaches, and broadcasters in the Bay area, Florida, and the Beltway.

Once again, Hendry is doing his best to address the previous year's glaring need: in this case, airing out a toxic clubhouse. Walker will play second and leadoff, Nomar will play short and bat second, Lee should bat third, Ramirez fourth with Patterson and Barrett seventh and eighth.

Todd Hollandsworth is being brought back, which is good if he is healthy, because I have never, ever seen a better pinch hitter. But he is NOT the everyday outfield answer. He is the white Glenallen Hill. Love him, cheer him, buy him drinks, just don't let him start every day for you, or he'll fuck you, and not in a good way by any means.

One key to the season, though, is whether they can develop a closer, because unless they can drug the Milwaukee front office and kidnap Dan Kolb, we're not getting one from the outside. The other key is what they choose to do about the other outfield spot, and what to do with the selfish, sullen, spoiled, shrunken, shitty Sammy Sosa. Say THAT five times fast.

If they end up with Carlos Beltran, well, you bat HIM third, move Lee to fifth, and bat Sosa sixth and sit back and watch the turnstiles spin. If they decide to give the job to Jason Dubois, which I absolutely CANNOT imagine, then they bat him seventh, behind Sosa and Patterson. They may also decide to sign a mid-level J. D. Drew-esque figure, in which case they then have a quandry as to which one, Proto-Drew or Sosa, bats fifth or sixth, and which plays left and which plays right.

My opinion? The "other guy" takes care of himself. I'd like Beltran, yes, oh yes, but I would defer to the wisdom of the organization at this point.

As for Sosa, the true key to the year, I would just tell him to try to play like he did back in his 30/30 days, just try to meet the ball, and remind him that after he waived his no-trade and his 2006 trade kicker, even after that, NOBODY wanted his ass, so shut up and play ball, or go home, pout, and sit out a year's paid suspension.

Go sell your crazy somewhere else, Gladiator.

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Monday, December 6

12/06/2004 02:35:00 PM by Rob

Lazy

I'm still at a general loss for words...Blog Writer's Block, if you will. I had no idea how much I DID care about the outcome of the Presidential election. I have always fancied myself as an apolitical character. I don't know what's gotten into me...I really don't.

I'm still mentally exhausted by the whole process. I can't get up a good frothing head of steam up about anything...Steroids? Pah. The Cubs? Wake me up when they actually SIGN someone. The Ron Artest VIBE Awards? Pretty funny, but I can't really say anymore than anyone else without completely crossing the line into racial ugliness, and I'd rather not take on the Zulu nation at this time.

About all I can care about right now is cameltoes:



While I, as a purist, believe that denim is the only true medium with which to view and appreciate the wonders of the cameltoe, the purveyors of the world HQ website seem to prefer either partially nude with panties, or totally nude.

This I think is indicative of the Whole Microwave Society, in which everybody wants everything NOW, and to hell with using your imagination. But, hey, why complain...enjoy!

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Thursday, December 2

12/02/2004 02:35:00 PM by Rob

NOBODY just whips it out anymore like that

First of all, before I disrespect the soon-to-be corpse of Jason Giambi, let me remind you of the whole concept of the Goat Riders of the Apocalypse, or GROTA for short. Little did I know that I my own self was chosen by God to be one of the messengers for the end of the world. Hmm. Little old me, sitting here in Corn Hole, watching my clumsyass neighbor slip in his own driveway while getting his daily mail.

Hey, dickstick? Two words: Shove, vull.

(Vull's a word, right?)

While it will be a blast to be part of a unified core of Cubs exorcists, I have been convince of the need for my own space. That, and Andy from Desipio telling me to get a life, and stop spending so much time on HIS message board.

So, I figure, if I have any reasoned out Cub commentary, it might appear at the Goat Riders. Unreasonable rants will still end up here, and truly fucked up shit-blowing catastrophic news may end up in both places, and in all the 'comments' sections I can get my hands on, until the poisons have left my system.

For now. Honestly, I don't know WHAT the fuck I'm doing right now.

Besides, of course, writing about Jason Giambi. Now, just like Sammy Sosa torching the bridges behind him when he left the last game early, and decided to blast Dusty Baker in some tacostand newspaper, you gotta figure Giambi realizes that he too isn't even leaving one scorched stone of His personal bridge back to big league baseball.

I'm making the assumption, of course, that he has some sort of control over what he puts out there for public consumption. Nobody THAT rich and famous is ever, ever caught with their pants down, the way it seems Mr. Giambi is today.

So, if he's putting this information out there, does he really believe that We, as a nation, are advanced enough in our thinking that we will Forgive and Forget that he was a steroid user?

So far, the only two guys to come forward have been Caminiti and Canseco. The late Ken Caminiti, mind you, and the thick Jose Canseco, for whom only his Brain is dead. What precedent is there about an admitted steroid user being welcomed back into baseball - nay, any sport - without dire repurcussions?

There are none. So I fear the absolute worst for Giambi, considering that he missed most of last year with The Mystery Ailment, rumored to be anything from lupus to AIDS to Lou Gehrig's Disease. No, from where I sit today, I figure Giambi is in "housecleaning" mode, making his peace with God, coming clean with everything he has done, in preparation for his next big event, dirt-surfing, daisy-pushing, or worm-feeding. Shit, my money's on brain cancer, just like Lyle Alzado, another infamous HGH junkie.

So, and you know it had to come HERE, when do I get treated to the sight of the Great Sammy Sosa's body parts peeling off of him like Mr. Potato Head in the clutches of Shelby, the wonder dog, the only Golden Retriever in captivity born with a shoelace where her brain should be.

Hey, I got an idea!! Where did I keep the big jar of Skippy?

SHELBYYYY!!!

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