The Uncouth Sloth - born 2002, died 2006. R.I.P.

11/25/2003 05:04:00 PM by Rob

Derrek Lee?

For Choi? No more Choi? No more Karros, and Simon, either. No Sexson, which is OK, I guess.

I don't expect any more out of Lee than we got out of McStiff, except maybe he won't pollute the clubhouse with his malingering attitude.

In other words, nothing special.

He bats righty, as does Sosa, Alou, Ramirez, and everyone else on the team.

This is like every other Cub trade of the last five years...nothing special. A nice trade, certainly we got value, and Lee will be an OK hitter.

But it just doesn't knock my socks off. The BIG one is still coming, isn't it?

Tell me THIS isn't the big one? Please???

11/25/2003 01:59:00 PM by Rob

Serpentine, Shel...Serpentine!!

....Whadda guy!

That Peter Falk nugget from 1979 is brought to you, no charge, from myself, and Chuck Gitles, aka Ivy Chat, whom I met for lunch today.

Thankfully, we didn't talk much about the Bears or Bulls. We did talk about the Turd's drug problems, whether or not Mark Grace was the active leader in "lost games played in" as of last year, and we discussed the wisdom of his going in with a few buddies to buy seasons' tickets this year. Seems that the first time he took the plunge, it was 1990. Of course, this was the year that Andre Dawson finally disintegrated, Mitch Williams imploded, Mike Bielecki erupted, and Jerome Walton morphed into one giant pulled hamstring muscle.

But who could blame him at the time? There seemed to be a lot of promise after the improbable run to the 1989 Division title. We had youth, speed, pitching and defense. The Boys of Zimmer.

Anyway, outside of his utter disdain for my favorite NCAA hoops team, the 1989 Flyin' Illini, it really felt good to talk to a knowledgeable, realistic Cub fan. They usually come in two flavors: Kool-Aid flavor, and Bitter, Crusty flavor. It was nice to talk to someone younger than me who still gets it.

And, we both agree, that a really nice Hanukkah and Xmas present would be a trade for Jose Vidro, along with perhaps a Tejada on the side.

11/25/2003 10:50:00 AM by Rob

My first inter-blog contact

Today, I'm bending noodles with Chuck from Ivy Chat, because it turns out he works in the great Near Northwest Suburbs, too. Is that what this is called? Maybe they call this the O'Hare area. I think they do, as a matter of fact.

My college roommate grew up here. I remember the first time I passed out at his folks' house, about a mile away from Runway 1. About 5:30, I thought the fuckin' sky was about to fall in on top of us. Nobody else there even budged. I start moaning. One of the other corpses said "shut the fuck up!". I started blubbering "How the hell can you guys sleep through these planes flying overhead?"

"There was a plane? I don't even notice anymore," belched the Karp. "Go back into your hole."

Anyway, I sure wish there was some rumor to talk about, let alone some actual news. I don't want to spend my lunch hour talking about the possibility of Scott Skiles coming to coach the Bulls, which is all anyone here has on their minds. Oh yeah, that and the playoff hopes of the 4-7 Bears, who have to run the table against the Vikings, Chiefs, the '72 Dolphins, the Ice Bowl Packers, the Steel Curtain, and the Mean Machine from the Longest Yard.

Yeah, sure, they can do it......

Please.

Bear fans are complete morons.

C'mon, Hendry, I'm dying here. Give me some hope. For once in my life, let's be the big dog, and make a pre-emptive strike that is Guaranteed to Win, no chance of failure.

Monday, November 24

11/24/2003 03:58:00 PM by Rob

Had to change the slogan

Thanks to Jacko and his unhealthy appetites, it ain't no good anymore to say
"Silly Rabbit, the Uncouth Sloth is for Kids".

BTW, what was Jacko doing at JcPenney's? He heard that kids' pants were half-off!

What's black on the inside, white on the outside, and comes in little cans? Yup, Jacko.

Why did Pepsi fire Jacko as their spokesman? He got caught sucking on a little squirt.

Finally, why did Jacko call Boyz II Men? He thought it was an escort delivery service.

ha, I kill me.

11/24/2003 10:28:00 AM by Rob

Something's really strange/#1 Cub Fan

Supposedly Jim Hendry can't go anywhere, including and not exclusive to the toilet, church, and the shower, without his cell phone. The insinuation is, that he spends every waking hour trying to improve his ballclub. This is a man that has a great deal of budget to work with, no second baseman under contract, no leadoff man under contract, a CF with a tore-up knee, a SS who strikes out too damn much, a 1B who is at least one more year away, 2 catchers who cannot hit their Craft-matic sleep number, no fifth starter and three bullpen holes.

Yes, a lot of work to do, but you figure he has leads on (at least the) minor moves, and all winter to do it. However, all we have heard about was a half-assed attempt to trade for A.J. Persimmon or whatever the fuck his name is, from Minnesota.

In fact...nobody is doing anything. What is going on here? What is everyone waiting for?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The best thing I read today was the Lift of Fork who wonders who the #1 Cubs fan is? How do you define such a thing? First you wonder, is it some senile 93 year old widow woman...who has been going to games since 1917, briefly dated Pete Alexander, and thinks that Augie Doggie is so cute, and that if they game him a chance, he could be the everyday pepperpot leadoff guy they need?

Is it some hyperthyroid freak with an enormous adam's apple, who keeps meticulous scores for every game, knows what Paul Bako is hitting against Korean right-handed pitchers, and goes into every Cactus League season knowing deep in his spazzy little heart that "This is the Year!"

Is it Range, the bartender over at Shooter's, who went to 78 of the games last year (only missing two games, one to stand up at a buddy's wedding, and one to attend traffic school), sat in the back three rows of the right field bleachers exclusively, and whose season's Topps card stats read like this: 587 Budweisers, down $711 in Pass-the-Hat roulette, 18 bleacher babes picked up, including the memorable night vs. Cincy when he went home with two nurses from Illinois Masonic, and best of all, no recollection whatsoever of any of the games that went on this year, let alone the name of our catcher?

Or is it CubbieBlueStew, Hawkeye, Soch or one of the other cynics on the Cubs Coven, which to me is a Valhalla when you become too sensible, too realistic, and too SMART to exist on one of the other "Cheerleader" Cub internet forums? Let me tell you from personal experience, these guys care very, very deeply about the club, and they have suffered, truly agonized from the misery we have faced 162 times a year for the last 20, 30, 40 years plus...but, you wonder, how many other guys are out there, just as caring, just as introspective, just as passionate...but they don't spend a lot of time on a computer.

It isn't some self-described Famous fan, like Jerry Pritikin, the Bleacher Preacher...Ronnie Woo-Woo, or Mike Murphy, the bugle-totin' Bleacher Bum who bores the living shit out of us every morning on Chicago sports radio. It isn't one of the Johnny-come-lately bandwagon jumpers who ride every attractive trend, whether it be the Cubs in the playoffs, the MJ Bulls, or holding up "Michael Jackson is a beautiful man" signs.

I think it is me, but there are others I know personally who spend more time actualy WATCHING games. We will never know, because there is no panel of judges qualified enough to make the decision. It's quite a concept, but I do know that if I were elected Greatest Cub Fan, I would use my own money to establish a museum devoted solely to the Curse, with exhibits including the stuffed carcass of the orginal Sianis goat; the stuffed black cat from Shea Stadium who spooked Ron Santo so bad; the copy of Mike Royko's "San Diegans are too mellow to care" article, along with Leon Durham's Gatorade soaked mitt; and the enbalmed corpse of Steve Bartman, along with his punk-ass Walkman.

Friday, November 21

11/21/2003 11:06:00 AM by Rob

Forklift is back!

Fellow member of the Coven inner circle, Forklift, is back in the blogosphere! He's listed on the left, and I am glad to have him back as part of my reg'lar rotation.

I guess if you're trying to quit smoking, you avoid bars, because they are always smoky, and you get the itch. If you're trying to lose weight, you find a different way to work, because every time you drive past that Burger King at 7:30 AM, and smell the grilling cow fat that they vent out from their roof, you gotta stop for a breakfast Whopper or two. The Lift lives in Brooklyn, where bookies lurk in every storefront, and let's just say that Fork doesn't "have the critical insider's knowledge to beat the spread". So what he does to beat his jones is avoid sports altogether.

But, seems that shit is settled in his world, and we're glad to have him back. He's uncouth, too.

Thursday, November 20

11/20/2003 10:03:00 AM by Rob

Opportunity is knockin'...and Hendry is pretending that he's not home

Let's look at a few sports failures, some teams who had opportunities, but a major fatal flaw that banished them to sports hell, and then we will compare them to our favorite "competitive" entity, your Chicago Cubs.

The Jacksonville Jaguars - the NFL has a hard salary cap. A few years ago, the Jags had some of the best offensive talent on the planet. They had Mark Brunell at QB, Fred Taylor at RB, Jimmy Smith as one of several quality receivers, and Tony Bocelli and Johnathon Odgen as the two best tackles in the league. But all of these guys were injured, and they couldn't afford to replace them because they had no more money to spend.

The Cubs, on the other hand, have no hard salary cap, and even their self-imposed cap allows them between $15-20M to spend this year!

The Chicago Bulls - the NBA has a "soft" salary cap, that allows you flexibility to sign your own free agents. After their great run in the '90s, all their main pieces left, mainly due to the strain of keeping together for so long, holding their own egos at bay. Well, the Bulls had the most money in the league to spend to reload, but MJ, Scottie, Phil and the others ripped Bulls management upon leaving, thus, no self-respecting baller in the league wanted to come play for the Bulls.

The Cubs, on the other hand, just enjoyed a run to the LCS that was watched by everyone in America. They have the best young core of rotation studs since the Mets/Orioles of the late sixties, and as of right now, is one of the more desirable destinations for free agents in the league!

The LA Dodgers - well, the Dodgers have money, and it certainly is a nice place to be. But they have had their own problems lately, too. They have spent gobs of money on free agents, because that is the only avenue available to them to improve, which is very risky. Most great teams use a combination of judicious free agent signings, along with development of their own players, to either step into a hole, or to use as trade. The Dodger farm system, though, has been decimated for years, and they have no ability to deal from strength. Therefore, they end up with real stinkers, like the Grud and Karros -for- Turd trade, to dump salary.

The Cubs, on the other hand, have spent years drafting top college pitchers, and are the envy of the rest of the league for their pitching depth. There are guys in AAA and AA right now that could walk into the starting rotation of 2/3rds of the teams in the league!

Therefore, it is my theory that there is NO REASON whatsoever for not improving, GREATLY, in the upcoming season. We have the money, the prospects to trade, and people like us, they really like us!

So, Hendry, grow some nuts and start pulling the trigger!

Wednesday, November 19

11/19/2003 08:52:00 AM by Rob

How to not get fired due to Blogger

The Blogger home page has a link that alludes to the very topic above. I wonder if Keyshawn Johnson was spending too much time updating his blog, and that's why he is no longer welcome in Tampa Bay?

Anyway, I have been in a class yesterday and today, and I don't have any news none of you don't have. I'm not sure Barry Bonds deserved the MVP, although his time won a lot of games, and he is the best player on the team. I would have had to vote for Poo-Holes, even if he is a Satanic Fowl.

I will try to have a thought this afternoon. I also have a headcold from hell. Usually they make me miserable for 2 weeks. This one is more concentrated...I am already starting to feel better after 3 days, but I was wandering around yesterday begging people to cut my nose off, it hurt that bad.

Monday, November 17

11/17/2003 02:16:00 PM by Rob

Big whampum, no buffalo

Still wondering whether or not I would want to shower with Boof Bonser...

I missed the weekend of rumors. The Trib itself is sure putting out the PR machine on Richie Sexie. I have a feeling sooner or later this is going to happen. Problem is, usually first basemen are counted on to provide LEFT handed power, you know, like we had with Fred McStiff...;)

I still advocate the signing of Kenny Lofton to lead off, and have Corey Patterson play CF and be the middle-of-order LH batter. Lofton plays LF, and Alou plays first. You have one year to decide whether or not Choi is a playa, or whether Sexson should come either as a free agent or a late-July trade, when his value will be lowest. In the meantime, Alou holds it down against the tough lefties, in fact, most lefties, and the tough RHPs. Then, concentrate on putting Pudge in touch with a good north-shore realtor.

As for ARod...the Rangers would want Wood. I wood do it (see below), but the Cubs won't. It's gonna suck to see him end up in Boston or the Mutts for one front line pitcher, one shortstop and a prospect. If we're willing to send Cruz, Farns, Guzman and Choi to MILWAUKEE for Sexson, can't we replace Guzman with Wood, get these guys out of the league, keep Guzman, and get a real Baseball God?

Friday, November 14

11/14/2003 02:56:00 PM by Rob

URGENT

Only kidding (inside joke)...well, forget about A.J. Asswipe catching for us. He was traded to the Giants for Joe Nathan, Boof Bonser and another lower-level pitcher.

A few things, starting with how the hell Boof Bonser got his name? Do we even want to know? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable rooming with someone named "Boof"...

Next, Hendry did try for this guy, but his offer of Juan Cruz and Andy Sisco was turned down. Nathan won 12 games with a under-3 ERA last year. So, I agree, the Giants offered more. But my gripe is this: if this was the guy Hendry wanted, WHY didn't HE offer more? Obviously he was part of the plan. We have buttloads of prospects...why is he being so stingy?

Don't TELL me Hendry is already being outbid for talent!!! I'm not really interested in this guy to begin with. But Hendry was, and that's the point.

1) Have a plan
2) Do whatever it takes to pull it off, be it money, trade bait, etc.
3) Stick with it

11/14/2003 10:09:00 AM by Rob

The Hawk named me, and here's proof of his character

He sent along this:

Two Afghani families who had been friends for years made their way to the US after all the strife. The two husbands made a wager as to who could become more "American" after one year.

One year later they met up again. The first Afghani said:

"Achnod....this morning I took my kids to McDonalds for breakfast in our station wagon. Then I dropped my daughter off at her Blue Birds group and our sheepdog and I went to watch my boy play his Little League game. After the game, I stopped by the store to pick up a couple of 12 packs of Bud for the hot dog barbeque I'm having in the back yard tonight. Tomorrow, I'm packing up the whole family and heading to the NASCAR race."

Achnod simply mutters, "Fuck You, Raghead!!"

Achnod WINS....by several lengths!

11/14/2003 10:04:00 AM by Rob

I just wish I knew which way they were going

Even though many people have urged patience, not to expect anything this week, I am genuinely disappointed that the Cubs have not done anything so far to improve the club. Of course, neither has anyone else, so it isn't like we have watched moves happen helplessly. Nobody is moving so far.

I had thought I heard that the bullpen, once again, was going to be the priority, and if they decided to sign a few guys for the pen, then that would mean the offense would be the frustrating non-entity it was for most of this year.

There are so many rumors...A-Rod. I-Rod. Vidro. Vlad. Aurilia. Sexson. AJ Asswipe from the Twins. Losing Cruz, Zambrano, Farnsworth, AGonz, nearly everyone except Sosa and Prior.

There need to be several moves, and they must be aligned with one another. There is a path if Pudge is picked up. A second if Vlad is picked up. A third if we stay with people like Grud, which would essentially be doing nothing. I wish we knew...

11/14/2003 09:44:00 AM by Rob

Between 5 and 7 percent?

Actually, I'm surprised it was that low. To be honest, what I AM shocked about is that the Players Union agreed to such a low percentage of positive steroid tests to be the trigger for mandatory testing. To me, 5% isn't a lot. This is 1 man per team, perhaps two. So I wonder...the guys who run the MLBPA aren't dumb. What purpose does it serve to almost welcome the new round of mandatory testing? Are they going to clean it up next year, to sway public favor? Doubt it...they must just have something else, that is easier to hide.

Thursday, November 13

11/13/2003 08:47:00 AM by Rob

More on morons

Morons!

A radio station in Noo Joysey won't play any more Jethro Tull after their lead guy (and let's be honest here, I thought he was dead) made statements about American flag displays.

Morons!

I mean, the radio station!

Read the article, and tell me what is in the least bit un-American about what he said. If you are so shallow, so dumb, so incapable of intricate thought...you know? THIS is the "least common denominator" you keep hearing about. What the guy from Tull was saying is that "nationalism" is nothing more than Johnny-come-lately patriotism.

Look at it this way: if I go out and wear my Ramon Martinez gamer in public, does that make me a major leaguer?

And again...for all of you long-suffering 24/7 Cub fans...how did you feel when everyone you knew, who could not give a rat's shit about the Cubs in April, was suddenly a Cub fan in September? Wearing the hats, slapping you on the back, asking you how "our Cubs" were gonna do tonight?

This is what Tull is talking about. All of these people, who previously sat around, making fun of our Armed Forces members because "Obviously, they're all too stupid to get a real job"; would bash our president and our government because taxes are too high, gas costs too much, and all the jobs were being moved to Mexico....

....WHAM!! When 9/11 hit, all these same idiots were going out and buying every American flag they could, for their homes, their cars, their gas-guzzling SUV's, slapping cheap-ass bumper stickers on their $42,000 Expeditions, just WRAPPING themselves up in the flag, holding hands with strangers in the stands at football games, tearfully singing America the Beautiful, swelling up their chests, pledging vengeance against Saddam Fucking Hussein and Osama Fucking binLaden and Mommar Fucking Gaddafi and every other Arab name they could think of. Like they were actually going to be the ones doing the killing and bleeding and dying.

Meanwhile, my wife and I just stood there, trying not to be disrespectful, but saying quietly to each other.."In six months, this all will be forgotten."

AND WHAT HAPPENED? Yep, the faded plastic flags worked themselves free from the sides of the SUV's, and littered the sides of every major road and expressway. The faded cloth flags, dirty and certainly not "hung in a respectful manner", droop lifelessly forgotten from the brackets off of everyone's porch.

Sure, there are some who do it right...chances are, they were doing it BEFORE 9/11. There are some who truly respect their country. Chances are, these people fought in WWII, Korea, or Vietnam. There are others who truly appreciate our freedoms, or maybe they just get off on ceremony. Fine.

But the rest of us, the Johnny come latelys, those who only care when it is fashionable, don't deserve the respect that our actual soldiers do. Say what you want about Pvt. Jessi, at least she went, and sacrificed her body and nearly her life. The rest of us who did nothing more than bought a plastic hood ornament for our car, and went to a couple of rallies in the month following 9/11, we are not REAL patriots, and should not get our panties in a wad, like the stupid fucks in NJ, who won't play any more Jethro Tull, because after all, they're Brits, and they're unAmerican!

Leaves more time for Mick Jagger. Now, THERE'S a true American!

Wednesday, November 12

11/12/2003 03:47:00 PM by Rob

Thanks to BST, an advertising slogan generator, saving me kilobuck$ in consultant fees.

On my second try..."Silly Rabbit, The Uncouth Sloth is for kids!"

11/12/2003 10:39:00 AM by Rob

You tell me how this wouldn't work

This won't happen, I'm afraid, because the Tribune has only stepped out ONCE to be a financial leader, and that didn't work out well, when Ryno became the highest paid ballplayer in 1993, and by mid-year 1994 was retiring under the pressure of having to meet the resulting expectations. At least that is what the public story is...I would be willing to bet that the true reason was the pressure of having a slut bitch whore for a wife, but the Trib thinks it has been there and done that, and it won't happen again.

But anyway, say for instance that they WOULD want to trade for A-Rod? Okay, what would it take for a future Hall-of-Famer, the best shortstop of all time? Because of his unprecedented contract, not as much as it should.

First of all, you make them take Alex Gonzalez. Then they take Damian Miller, since Buck Showalter loves him. Then you give them a top prospect. They want two, but I fight them hard to settle for one, and I try real hard to steer them away from Angel Guzman, but if need be, I don't let that stop me.

Then, yep, I gotta give them Kerry Wood. This sucks, because he IS a leader, but I just want to point something out to everyone who is waiting for him to become the next Nolan Ryan....

...which, BTW, is no great shakes. How many rings does he have? How many 20-game seasons can he claim? Anyway, I go to the Baseball Reference to quickly access his "similarity" scores, and I fully expected Mr. Ryan's name out there.

Not only did it NOT pop up, here is what did:
1. Jack McDowell (956)
2. Blue Moon Odom (950)
3. Ron Darling (949)
4. Ray Culp (949)
5. Wilson Alvarez (949)
6. Pete Harnisch (948)
7. Steve Busby (948)
8. Chuck Dobson (943)
9. Bob Turley (943)
10. Joey Jay (942)

Just a complete "Who's who" of guys who, to quote Neil Young, "burned out, not faded away". Out of these ten, nearly all of them had one or two big years, and none of them was contributing anything by age 30.

On the other hand, here are the similarity scores for A-Rod:

1. Ken Griffey Jr. (781)
2. Mel Ott (768) *
3. Mickey Mantle (764) *
4. Hank Aaron (744) *
5. Frank Robinson (735) *
6. Eddie Mathews (733) *
7. Johnny Bench (727) *
8. Jimmie Foxx (720) *
9. Cal Ripken Jr. (709)
10. Al Kaline (686) *

I've heard of a few of these guys...haven't you?

I make this trade faster than I can pee, and I don't let anybody stop me.

11/12/2003 09:54:00 AM by Rob

These are the ki(n)ds of people we have in our army?

I watched every second of the Pvt. Jessi (this is how she spells it, I guess the extra 'e' would make it too intellectually challenging for her on a daily basis) interview. Wendy kept asking me why everyone was making such a big deal about her, when there have been over 300 American soldiers killed so far in Iraq.

"Because she's cute and blonde," I said. "This is what sells here in America."

This I can deduce: she's cute, and blonde, and in a world of hurt. She is also not above making money off of her trouble. The guy that wrote her book is a shyster, and I think he made up the rape charge to sell books. She was at one point hopelessly naive, and probably did not have to turn her back away from an academic scholarship to join the Army. She and her brother thought $1,100 dollars a month was a fortune. She may be feisty, but I really don't feel any safer knowing that she was "defending" my country. She may or may not know how to party hearty, but I'm pretty sure that at this point she isn't a virgin, let alone Joan of Arc.

She is either too dumb to lie, or incredibly, cynically smart, because she came across as quite the victim in her interview. She never fired a shot, she hit her knees and prayed when the attack happened, and she wasn't a hero, and she resents the fact that the government and the media conspired to make her one. All of this sounds like the right thing to say, and makes it real hard for people like me to rip her anymore.

I do hope that she does have a good life from here on in, I hope that she doesn't start wanting more than she already had when she first left Appalachia to join the Army, and I hope that her marriage, at 20, to her will-be 21-yr-old Army husband works out. It seems that very few military marriages are truly happy ones, and even fewer when they start so young in life. You can think of it two ways: one way is to realize that you will never be under more duress than you were in that hospital in Iraq, and thus you handle life's little issues in stride; or you can go all prima donna on us, and decide that you have handled your fair share of pain for a lifetime, and thus demand perfection, and will not accept anything less.

In case you haven't figured out, I am fascinated with this girl, on a psychological level. (She don't do it for me on other levels, BTW. Too small)

Tuesday, November 11

11/11/2003 03:35:00 PM by Rob

Not much happenin' in Rob Land

Management commissioned me to create a survey, to distribute to all associates at my company, to determine awareness levels of what training we offer, and awareness of what methods we use to publicize said training. This is not in my job description, but management in its wisdom wanted one of us to do it, so it would get done.

Good idea...so I did it.

Bad news, though. Now I have to run my finished survey past a committee, tomorrow.

By the time they get done hacking at it, I'll be lucky if a single solitary radio button remains. Waaah! Whatever happened to "let's just get it done"? I guess they lost their nerve between then and now. Another attack of Administratum, the heaviest element known to man, which is inert, odorous, and causes paralysis in humans.

-----------------------------------------------

I guess the big thing is the nude pictures of Pvt. Jessie. I have two articles, one from yesterday stating that Larry Flynt bought the pictures to prevent them from ever being published! What a beautiful gesture! Of course, I have another one from today stating that Mr. Flynt brought in an expert to verify that the pictures are in fact hers, and having determined it to his own satisfaction, will be publishing the pictures in the next issue of Hustler.

The pictures show her "cavorting" with two male soldiers before her deployment to Iraq. Two pictures of her, one topless with jeans on, the other topless and a thong. First of all, wonder if one of the male soldiers was her fiancee? I bet it was. Next, what's with the "friend"? Does the future Mrs. Contreras like her fun coming AND going? I will leave it to you, the viewer, to speculate if neither male soldier was her bethrothed.

I know she was only 19, and I know the world is full of pictures of naked young people. But does this sort of thing go on often on Army bases? Nevertheless, when I was 19, I was a collegiate drunk. I drank enough to kill man or beast, and so did my friends. But none of us....well, most of us....ummm, OK, just me...I NEVER got caught with my Goddamned pants down.

How hard is that?

11/11/2003 10:34:00 AM by Rob

Golfing with a hit man

Another rib-tickler, courtesy of Wigs, while we wait to find out what number IRod is gonna have on the back of his Cubs jersey:

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local Golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if i join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......

He's naked as well! The b*tch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's not such a bad guy, so just shoot
his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

Monday, November 10

11/10/2003 03:22:00 PM by Rob

ESPN.com Free Agent Previews

The greatest purpose of the ESPN preview page is, if you print it hardcopy, you could wipe yer ass with it if you were in a bind. But they have remembered one thing that many of us in the Cub Blog Army have forgotten...namely, there are 29 other teams that could conceiveably bid for players.

ESPN predicts that we will end up with.....drum roll.....Pudge, Ugie Urbina, Curt Leskanic, Grud and Lofton. WHEEEE!

Um...sorry. I'll curb my enthusiasm. Let's see...

CF Lofton
2B Grud
RF Sofa
LF Alou
C Rodriguez
3B Ramirez
1B Choi
SS Gonzalez
P Stud-O-the-day

Well, with Ugie, Leskanic, Farns, Remlinger, Reg'lar Joe and maybe a Wellmeyer or Beltran, the pen looks good, and we'd only spend about $4M to get it done.

But, see, I gots a problem here. Where's Patterson? In my world, he plays Center, bats second. But what about Kenny? I killed Kenny, dammit!

Kenny has to play left, and Alou has to play first, much of the time. There will be days where Kenny can spell Corey, or Alou can spell Kenny, or (God forbid) one of them spell Sammy, and Choi can ease in gradually. Grud can then bat seventh.

But even if Grud, Lofton, and Pudge cost another, say, $17M, we still have about $5M laying around. There better be a few good trades on the horizon, too, especially surrounding the SS position.

11/10/2003 10:09:00 AM by Rob

The best thing I saw on the Internet today

So far, is the hotel story from Big Stupid Tommy, who in fact is Big and a Tommy, but ain't so stupid, as it turns out. I guess his blog title is s'posed to be satirical, whereas mine is more of a factual statement.

The second best thing is a joke I received:

A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together.

Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday
dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had
varied excuses.

"Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed son number one...."Sorry I'm
running late...didn't have time to get you a present."

"Not to worry," said dad. "The important thing is that we're all
together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and
didn't have time to get you anything...sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "glad you can be here."

The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry but I've been out
of town and didn't bring a present."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us
are
together today."

During dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said,
"Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell
you.
We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were
able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to
getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, in unison, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"

"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones too."

Yep, slow Cub news day. It's 10:00AM on November 10th. Why don't we have Pudge Rodriguez yet?

Friday, November 7

11/07/2003 02:58:00 PM by Rob

Just wondering

How much would it take to sign the 26-year-old Ryan Dempster, former super-prospect of the Florida Marlins, who was just released by Cincinnatti? Yes, he will be out all year with Tommy John surgery. But I've always liked this guy, and I'd like to have him on our side once he gets better, and we can afford to keep him on ice for, like, a $1M retainer.

11/07/2003 02:42:00 PM by Rob

Early indications point the wrong way

According to ESPN, the Trib, the Sun-Times, Daily Herald, etc, it appears that the #1 priority for the Cubs this winter is to shore up the bullpen, which also happened to be last year's #1 priority.

Now, in 2002 the bullpen had a Suckage Index of 97 out of 100. Last year, the Suckage Index was only about 45, although it did increase substantially in October.

And, it appears that the first apple of their eye is LaTroy Hawkins.

Have you ever gotten the feeling about certain ballplayers from other teams, who tend to stick in your memory a bit more than they should, and then a few years later, they somehow end up on your team? I have always had this feeling about Hawkins. In the recent past, I also had the same feeling about Grud, Randall Simon, and, yep, the Turd.

Anyway, the point is that he is asking for $10-12M for two years of work, so there is $5M out of the $25M I was counting on to fix the offense. I was planning on using Wellmeyer, Beltran and Chaisson for their combined $1M. They HAVE to be an improvement over Alfucksucka, Guthrie, and Veres.

So I am already overdrawn $5M, and I still have two spots to fill. Hawkins is NOT a closer, in fact, he appears to be the black Captain Tightpants, at least in terms of performance, if not necessarily in terms of morality.

11/07/2003 02:11:00 PM by Rob

I told you so...I told you so....

Check this out...even Pvt. Jessie said it was wrong how her imprisonment and subsequent rescue was manipulated by the government and the media as a rah-rah tool and deflection from the unexpected level of opposition in Iraq.

Straight from the horse's mouth. She may be dumb as a box of hair, and her 15 minutes are beyond expired, but I hope she does get better and leads a normal, happy life.

11/07/2003 01:15:00 PM by Rob

The Sloth's Grand Majestic All-Overrated List
Volume IV

Blogger ate my list yesterday. The extra 24 hours granted me the wisdom to delete a few that were truly distasteful. I don't believe that Pvt. Jessie deserved to be anally violated, but there are others who may. Just don't make ME a reservation at the Paris Hilton.

61. Weather reports
62. The lottery
63. Peace in the Middle East
64. Wedding reception food
65. The Blues (anybody can play 3 chords and moan)
66. Every single New York Yankee, when taken individually
67. Wedding videos
68. Your Tempur-Pedic sleep number
69. The Super Bowl
70. MBA’s
71. Hair “products”
72. Grunge rock
73. Rolexes
74. Christmas Day
75. Warren Sapp
76. Dunkin’ Donuts (coffee excepted)
77. Home Depot
78. Phantom of the Opera
79. Blogging
80. Gwyneth Paltrow

Thursday, November 6

11/06/2003 10:10:00 AM by Rob

Don't expect anything juicy for at least four days

11/10 is the date that clubs can start talking $ with free agents. This is the way the Cubs are going to go, either that way or bringing up beaucoups rookies from the minors, because I think they have about 10 guys under contract right now.

Which isn't that bad, considering. In the past, the quick fix band-aids the Cubs brought in usually had years of obligation stuck to their asses. This time, of course, nearly everyone good is staying, and nearly everyone old and bad do not necessarily have to (sit down, Damien Miller), although out of all of them, Grud seems to be the first guy they would keep.

The Sux exercised the $5M option on .230 hitting, poor fielding Jose Valentin! Oh, boy, my Sux fan co-workers are stomping around today, red-faces, veins sticking out of their necks like firehoses...guess we'll be the best team in Chicago for at least another year...

BTW: I am NOT an atheist, far from it. My personal beliefs seperate God Himself from all the "religious" trappings set up by men, like the church, the ceremonies, the obligations, and the bibles. IF it is God's word, and there is only one God, why are there hundreds of versions? Why are there Christians and Buddhists and Muslims, anyway? Did more than one God make us? Why don't we all just get along?

Wednesday, November 5

11/05/2003 03:06:00 PM by Rob

The Sloth's Grand Majestic All-Overrated List
Volume III

This is FUN! I can do this ALL day!

41. Broadway Joe, Lynn Swann, Johnny U and OJ
42. Body wash
43. Madonna
44. MTV
45. The “Good Old Days”
46. Parochial School
47. Social Security
48. Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft and its ilk
49. The Catcher in the Rye
50. Martin Luther King, Jr.
51. Jackie O
52. The Nobel Peace Prize
53. Class Reunions
54. Seinfeld
55. Monday Night Football
56. The Atkins Diet
57. The Blair Witch Project
58. Willie Mays
59. Girl Scout Cookies
60. The Natural

11/05/2003 02:32:00 PM by Rob

The Sloth's Grand Majestic All-Overrated List
Volume II

OVER-RATED! clap-clap-clapclapclap!

21. Pedro Martinez
22. Oprah AND Dr. Phil
23. Reality TV
24. U.S. Senators
25. Golf
26. Capri pants
27. Camera phones
28. Progressive scan DVD
29. New Years' Eve
30. The Osbournes
31. Damian Miller
32. Bobbleheads
33. Tattoos & Piercings.
34. Catherine Zeta-Jones
35. Tony LaRussa
36. ESPN GameDay
37. Sushi
38. Volkswagens
39. Microbrews, martinis and cigars
40. Home field advantage in baseball

11/05/2003 11:32:00 AM by Rob

The Sloth’s Grand Majestic All-Overrated List
Volume I

1. Sammy Sosa
2. J-Lo
3. "If You Lived Here You'd Be Home Now" banners
4. Home runs
5. Corporate mission statements
6. Quentin Taratino
7. Pam Anderson
8. The Four Quadrants of Personality
9. Avril Lavigne, Pink, Shakira
10. Satellite TV
11. Team-building exercises
12. KB8, T-Mac, KG and C-Dub
13. Beepers, especially in designer colors
14. Webster’s Dictionary
15. The Bible, the Koran, and the Torah
16. Third uniform shirts
17. Ritalin
18. Radiohead, Dave Matthews, Train, Matchbox 20, Creed and Coldplay
19. Everyone Loves Raymond
20. Windows XP

11/05/2003 09:53:00 AM by Rob

I'm day-to-day, aren't we all

I was supposed to twirl noodles with Chuck from
Ivy Chat today, but I am sitting here at home. It feels like my contacts have been in my eyes for a month, and I don't even wear contacts. This worries me, that and not being able to stay awake for any more than 5 minutes at a time.

So I am home today, taking it easy, and I don't have anything much to say anyway until the tenth, when we can start signing free agents and ..........................................

Tuesday, November 4

11/04/2003 02:21:00 PM by Rob

Big Skirt Update

He's guaranteed $17.5 million through the year 2006.

Fuuuuuuuuck that! Never mind, let that mudclot slide off of the wall.

Now, let's see which mud sticks...Tejada, Pudge, Sexson, ARod, Aurilia, Castillo...

11/04/2003 12:48:00 PM by Rob

Journalistic integity

I have none. However, it isn't a requirement. I OWN THIS BLOG, and NONE OF YOU CAN TAKE IT AWAY!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

If it is understood that I want the Big Skirt playing first for us next year, above all other options, then I apologize for the misconception. That is just not true. BST sez that he hates himself some Frank Thomas mighty fierce, and I gots his back, yo.

But, if all other holes are filled, and there is still 6 milldo in the budget, and there is only Hee Seop Choi standing at first, maybe it is worth looking into.

That's all I'm saying. Hendry has a lot of work to do this offseason. It could be the greatest offseason of our lives. "But you're gonna let it be our worst...Ohhh, Bluto, we're too scared to go with yoou. We might get in trouble...Well, you can just KISS MY ASS for now on! Not me....."

11/04/2003 09:49:00 AM by Rob

Blogger's block

Nothing is worse than reading a blog when the blogger is having writer's block. Then, you get subjected to a long winded diatribe about how we shouldn't be getting soldiers killed in Iraq, or some trade rumors about the Rangers sending us ARod for Farnsworth and Miller.

But I've been reeling since game 6, and I had nothing really good for today, and then I went out to Big Stupid Tommy, who had a cool link to the Troughs at Wrigley. Thanks, BST, you're the motherfucking goods.

Now, inspired, I ask you this question today: How would you like a First baseman who hit 40 dongs last year, would not require much in trade, and is making a reasonably slim $6M on the last year of his deal? You may be stumped, but when I tell you that he is a borderline Hall of Fame player, and possesses a great deal of plate discipline, you may now know I am talking about none other than the Big Skirt himself.

The Sux cannot go into next year with Frank and Paul Konerko on the team. They fill the exact same role on the team, which is poor fielding 1B-DH. Which is OK if you just have those two. But you also have Jose Valentin, and Carlos Lee, both decent hitters who need to spend some time not playing the field, for the common good of their team. Therefore, the continued employ of both Konerko and Frank provides a great deal of angst, static, and loathing amongst all concerned.

Of the two, Frank is far more marketable, with his superior stats and lower salary. Of course, he is to clubhouse cancers what Britney Spears is to slut fashion. (Coming soon to an ACT test near you!)

Yes, today it is the Big Skirt, yesterday it was the Mad Dog, I have also brought up Vlad, ARod, Tejada and Pudge in the last week. Yep, I'm throwing all sorts of mud up against the wall, hoping some of it sticks.

The point is, it is rare that we enjoy the position we're in, as Cub fans. The team has a solid nucleus in Wood/Prior/Ramirez/Patterson/Clement, marketable trade pieces, young prospects and players with potential like Choi, Cruz, and yep, Z, good but aging corner hitters in Sosa and Alou, and the real manager of the year. The team is currently enjoying popularity amongst the current free agents, a crop that is plentiful, and compared to past years, bargain priced. The team also has a substantial budget slot for improvements.

Improvements that are sorely needed. Right now, we lack a leadoff man, punch at first base, a second baseman, depth in the pen, another starter, and a catcher. My lord, our catching is bad. I understand that, compared to Turd Hundley, Damian Miller seems like Johnny Bench. But the only bench Miller should be familiar with is the one Dusty sits on and chews his tea tree sticks.

Most years, it is hopeless, as we watch management stick band-aids on in awkward angles, and hope for the best. This year, we all squirm anxiously as we find out what Hendry can do to buy us those last five outs that kept us from the pennant, and can he do it without exposing any sinkholes that will suck us back down to mediocrity, like what happened in 1985 and 1990?

It's a waiting game, and none of my fingernails are left.

Monday, November 3

11/03/2003 02:48:00 PM by Rob

Greg Maddux rumors

Heard from more than one source that Greg Maddux would like the opportunity to end his career where it started, alongside Mark Prior. The sentimentalist in me would love to give him this chance. He would look so good in the three or four hole, and I think he would thrive in not having to hold the staff on his shoulders for once. He would finish the education of Prior and Wood, maybe give Clement a leg up on being more than a break-even guy, and if he can get Cruz and Zambrano to settle down and achieve their potential, it would be a miracle. I have no such illusions on his effect on Farns.

There is no competitive reason to not make this move, if it is in fact true. But, how much would he ask for? If we pay him much more than we paid Shawn Estes, $3M, this is going to severely curtail what we can do to build our infield and catching offense.

11/03/2003 11:35:00 AM by Rob

The sloth of uncouthness

My younger son, who watches an awful lot of "educational" TV, this weekend referred to my elder son as a fat sloth. So I mumbled under my breath, "Yes, but he's not the Uncouth Sloth." At least, not yet.

All is quiet on the Cubs front, and while we eagerly await the triumphant coming of young, powerful men of Latin heritage to fortify the offense, I gotta go to a place that may seem political, but to me is more of a moral issue. The current government is not the first government to engage in such behavior, so my beef is not just with the administration currently in place, but with any government that confuses 'defense' and 'offense'.

Anyway, 16 American soldiers, on their way to their 2 week R&R trip back home, died when their helicopter was shot down in Iraq.

Once again, let's look at some semantics. It is referred to as the 'Department of Defense', not Offense. The soldiers we keep sending out there keep saying that they are proud "to defend their country". The Constitution refers "...to provide for a common defense...", as we all know from our Schoolhouse Rock episodes.

Now, when we think of "defense" in sports, we think of the position and the act of preventing the other team from committing harm (scoring) on us. Take that one step further, to war, and wouldn't "defense" be something where some other party tries to commit harm to us, and we try to stop or prevent that from happening.

I know, 9-11, 9-11, 9-eleven. Yep, let's look at that for a second. In MY mind, "defense" means that a mechanism is in place to PREVENT a bunch of zealots from assembling here, training here, hijacking planes and crashing them into heavily occupied and highly visible buildings. BUUUUUT NOOOOOO, our resources are spread so thin in creating an Offensive army, we don't have anything in place to Defend against terrorism.

When we send our armies to Iraq and Afghanistan, presumably to "catch criminals", but in the process we turn the countries to rubble with our stealth bombers and hot-rod tanks, that is Offense, friends, not defense.

"But they are the people who did 9-11," you blubber. Well, a few of them did. Not to mention some others in Saudi Arabia, Syria, Iran, Egypt, and here at home, who we ignore. But many, many others who had nothing to do with 9-11 died because of our offensive action.

If, in fact, you think these people DID have anything to do with causing harm to us, do you think they are going to be less angry, or more angry, after we laid waste to their country?

For all their faults, the Israeli army is a more of a defensive army. You don't see Israeli troops going off to Bosnia, Nigeria, Afghanistan, etc. They defend their own land, and they commit war actions in areas that may or may not be their land in actuality, but in their minds is in fact their land. Rarely are they ever caught more than 50 miles from home. Yes, getting in, around, and out of their country suggests a whole society living under a siege mentality. Gotta admit, not without cause.

All I know is, most of the world is mad at us today. This is not the fault of the soldiers following orders, it is the fault of those on high issuing the orders. And now, today, there are 16 new families here in America grieving the loss of a loved one, to go along with the 3 or so families from yesterday, and the day before, the day before that...all the way to when we first decided to strut our conscience overseas. I feel horrible for anyone who has lost a loved one to this war, and I feel even worse knowing for what these brave people died for. Thank God my children are too young to be there.

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