11/24/2003 10:28:00 AM by Rob

Something's really strange/#1 Cub Fan

Supposedly Jim Hendry can't go anywhere, including and not exclusive to the toilet, church, and the shower, without his cell phone. The insinuation is, that he spends every waking hour trying to improve his ballclub. This is a man that has a great deal of budget to work with, no second baseman under contract, no leadoff man under contract, a CF with a tore-up knee, a SS who strikes out too damn much, a 1B who is at least one more year away, 2 catchers who cannot hit their Craft-matic sleep number, no fifth starter and three bullpen holes.

Yes, a lot of work to do, but you figure he has leads on (at least the) minor moves, and all winter to do it. However, all we have heard about was a half-assed attempt to trade for A.J. Persimmon or whatever the fuck his name is, from Minnesota.

In fact...nobody is doing anything. What is going on here? What is everyone waiting for?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The best thing I read today was the Lift of Fork who wonders who the #1 Cubs fan is? How do you define such a thing? First you wonder, is it some senile 93 year old widow woman...who has been going to games since 1917, briefly dated Pete Alexander, and thinks that Augie Doggie is so cute, and that if they game him a chance, he could be the everyday pepperpot leadoff guy they need?

Is it some hyperthyroid freak with an enormous adam's apple, who keeps meticulous scores for every game, knows what Paul Bako is hitting against Korean right-handed pitchers, and goes into every Cactus League season knowing deep in his spazzy little heart that "This is the Year!"

Is it Range, the bartender over at Shooter's, who went to 78 of the games last year (only missing two games, one to stand up at a buddy's wedding, and one to attend traffic school), sat in the back three rows of the right field bleachers exclusively, and whose season's Topps card stats read like this: 587 Budweisers, down $711 in Pass-the-Hat roulette, 18 bleacher babes picked up, including the memorable night vs. Cincy when he went home with two nurses from Illinois Masonic, and best of all, no recollection whatsoever of any of the games that went on this year, let alone the name of our catcher?

Or is it CubbieBlueStew, Hawkeye, Soch or one of the other cynics on the Cubs Coven, which to me is a Valhalla when you become too sensible, too realistic, and too SMART to exist on one of the other "Cheerleader" Cub internet forums? Let me tell you from personal experience, these guys care very, very deeply about the club, and they have suffered, truly agonized from the misery we have faced 162 times a year for the last 20, 30, 40 years plus...but, you wonder, how many other guys are out there, just as caring, just as introspective, just as passionate...but they don't spend a lot of time on a computer.

It isn't some self-described Famous fan, like Jerry Pritikin, the Bleacher Preacher...Ronnie Woo-Woo, or Mike Murphy, the bugle-totin' Bleacher Bum who bores the living shit out of us every morning on Chicago sports radio. It isn't one of the Johnny-come-lately bandwagon jumpers who ride every attractive trend, whether it be the Cubs in the playoffs, the MJ Bulls, or holding up "Michael Jackson is a beautiful man" signs.

I think it is me, but there are others I know personally who spend more time actualy WATCHING games. We will never know, because there is no panel of judges qualified enough to make the decision. It's quite a concept, but I do know that if I were elected Greatest Cub Fan, I would use my own money to establish a museum devoted solely to the Curse, with exhibits including the stuffed carcass of the orginal Sianis goat; the stuffed black cat from Shea Stadium who spooked Ron Santo so bad; the copy of Mike Royko's "San Diegans are too mellow to care" article, along with Leon Durham's Gatorade soaked mitt; and the enbalmed corpse of Steve Bartman, along with his punk-ass Walkman.

---