5/27/2005 11:11:00 AM by Rob

There are many so called 'Cub Fans' who sincerely need to fuck off

Case in point. A few months ago, somebody accused me of being a Desipio wannabe, in fact, it might be the same ass-chancre that I'm currently fighting with there as we speak.

Apex, Cindy Lee, and the rest of you mouth-breathing, bleating sheep: most WOMEN, and so-called men who like shopping a bit too much, would characterize a 'die-hard' fan as some mindless, spineless jellyfish who shows blind loyalty to their team, no matter what. They think they still have a chance when their team is down ten runs with one out left. In other words, these people play absolutely NO heed to statistics, probabilities, anamolies, trends, circumstances, and a hundred other ACTUAL, REAL traits that make up a competitive sporting event.

The problem I have with people like you is that you don't have to THINK, you don't have to KNOW the game, and you don't have to CONSIDER past performance. If your nine haven't gotten so much as a loud foul off of Pitcher X all day, there is no reason to logically assume that in the last inning, they will all of a sudden FIGURE OUT HOW TO HIT and score the seven runs needed to win the game. Pitcher X just didn't get LUCKY...either he's Real Good, or your team is Real Bad. But NONE of that concerns you...as long as the beer is flowing, and the sun is shining, and all your girls are meeting at Yak-zies afterwards for wings....

You all know I have labored for YEARS, single-handedly at first, against the mindless, bleating sheep. I don't give a big rat fuck if the lemmings want to pack the place year in, year out, for their own sake. They'll see shitty baseball, and they won't care, ever, because the Cubs have last bats, and they'll win it then, and even if they don't, there's always tomorrow. Or next year.

It DOES matter than the Tribune has almost NO initiative to improve their product for the sake of improving profit, for they are at or near an optimum tangent on the profit curve already. They couldn't wedge another butt in the place, they sell out the additional seats they carve out in seconds, and they couldn't possibly sell another ad, t-shirt or jersey.

So WHY do they need to obtain someone who can actually lead off? Who gives a fuck? They sold out the season in MARCH...their work is done, here.

It's stupid motherfucking retards like you that fucking ruin it for people who really think, really know the game, and really matter.

SUCK MY MUTHAFUCKING COCK!!!

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5/26/2005 03:06:00 PM by Rob

Over?



NOTHING IS OVER UNTIL WE DECIDE IT IS!! WAS IT OVER WHEN THE GERMANS BOMBED PEARL HARBOR....

Ahh, shut up, John, you ignorant slut! It IS over! When you score one run in seven innings agains the great Jason (1.82 WHIP) Jennings, it's over.

Wormer dropped the big one!

....OH!

OK, HENDRY, HE'S A DEAD MAN!!! DUSTY BAKER, DEAD!! ANDY MC SWEATERVEST......?

Dead.

UPDATE: It's now 4-1.

Andy Roddick lost his early-round match in the French open. Should never have broken it off with Mandy Moore. Faggot.

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5/24/2005 12:56:00 PM by Rob

What to do, and what NOT to do, in Late May

Personally, I don't think anything is going to get this fuckin' train back on the tracks, but I must admit that the Cardinals do not appear to be overwhelming, at least not to society at large. I will repeat, yet again, that they still do to me.

But it appears that Jim Hendry, former sainthood candidate and the King of the Bailout Trade, is going to try something in the next week or so. Naturally, the fun centers around this year's Central Division shithouse. However, this year the shithouse sits in Cincy, not Pittsburgh.

Here is a brief synopsis of what NOT to do:

Do NOT sign Danny Graves. If a real closer came along, maybe you might ditch the Dumpster/Borowski arrangement. But in lieu of Danny Dumpling, let it breathe.

Do NOT sign D'angelo Jiminez. Sure, he can hit for a little while. But ever notice every team he leaves (Padres, Sux, Reds) becomes a roiling cesspool of filth that requires quarantine and immediate disinfection?

Do NOT trade for Mike Cameron. You already have a slightly better hitting version who wears #20, and that is a truly sad fact.

Here's what they COULD do:

They COULD pursue Austin Kearns. Perhaps he could blossom ala Paul Konerko, who, yes, has occassional half-years where he couldn't hit ME if I ran past him real slow and ducked a little. But overall I would consider it a plus.

They COULD also pursue Aubrey Huff. I would just like to see them pull a trade like this off, ONCE.

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5/20/2005 01:39:00 PM by Rob

Daddy gots an iPod now

Subtitled: Answering a Meme Challenge

BST asked for people to follow up, so I'll play along.

Here goes:

Q: Total volume of music files on my computer:

936. Daddy gots a new iPod. Actually, it's a refurbished Rio Carbon, 20% more memory for 20% less money. And it's just as cute-n-shiny.

Q: The last CD I bought:

The last CD I'll ever buy, I wager, was something called "A Trip In Trance - Vol. 3", featuring mixes by German wunderkind Leather Angel and British mixmaster Graham Nil. That doesn't sound very masculine, huh? Well, how 'bout I tell you I lied, that I really bought that Lee Greenwood CD, the one with the America song on it, from a Triple J truck stop?

Q: Song playing now:

"Cigarro", by System of a Down. Or, at least, that's the one that keeps playing in my head. They're Armenian. Did you know that there was a Armenian Genocide in the early 1900's, where over 1 million Armenian Christians were annihilated by mostly Turkish Muslims? I guess "System of a Down" is their revenge on the rest of humanity.

Q: Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

"Silver and Gold", Burt Ives
"Big Time", Peter Gabriel
"Suite Madame Blue", Styx
"Spin the Bottle", Juliana Hatfield (five...minutes...in the closet...with yooou)
"Boogie Oogie Oogie", A Taste of Honey

BONUS:

"Mississippi Queen", not by Mountain, mind you, but by Ozzy. Truly, dreadful.

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5/17/2005 10:44:00 AM by Rob

We’re ALL in trouble, and here’s why

Well, due to the occurrence of a completely irrational and self-destructive act on my part, brought on by the Adventures of LaTroy Hawkins, Boy Closer, I haven’t enjoyed the use of my left arm for awhile. I’m just getting back to work now. I was clinically told to get a life. The Vike has a lot to say to you all today.

But not about the Cubs. Jim Hendry is the absentee father who is far too busy to pay attention to his teenage son, Dusty Baker. So the father hands the son the keys to a blue Jaguar, the Cubs. And Dusty and his drunken friends eat in the car, drink in the car, puke in the car, run over mailboxes and smash it into fenceposts. That’s the analogy I have today. Hendry bought us an expensive, fragile team, and Baker has run it into the ground.

For my friends the Brewer fans, these truths are self evident:

- You WILL finish above the Cubs
- You WILL finish second in the Central
- You WILL NOT come within 20 games of the Cardinals, and you will NOT come within 10 games of the Wild Card

Anyway, what I got all backed up inside me today is America. Yep, I’m going political today, and I don’t give a flying fuck if you all strip the skin off of my ass. I can go two weeks without writing, I can go forever if I have to.

The publishers of Newsweek are being pressured by the government to “retract their lie” about some jarhead prison guard in Guantanamo flushing the Koran down the toilet. Do I think this is right?

Hell, I think the publishers of Newsweek ought to be put on trial for treason and gross stupidity!! Not for telling the truth, which I am willing to bet my balls on, that it was in fact true that Korans were flushed. They should cease printing Right Fucking Now for being so fucking stupid as to actually PRINT that this happened.

Once again, the Ugly American has reared its head, BY EXPECTING EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD TO THINK AS WE DO, and by not understanding the consequences of their failure to do so. To us, it was just a book. But to a Muslim, it means much more than that. Obviously, someone in the Armed Forces understands how to mind-fuck a Muslim. You really don’t think they knew what they were doing in Abu Ghabi? They knew damn well what they were doing.

See, Americans are so Goddamned conceited, we think that the most precious thing there is is our precious lives. Because each one of us thinks we are the end-all, be-all of all existence. But not EVERYONE in the world thinks that way. It doesn’t take a two-semester course in Middle Eastern History to figure out that Islamic extremists don’t hold life in the same regard as we do. They think NOTHING of strapping explosives on the bodies of their children, and send them into crowded spaces and detonate them. They believe in an afterlife, people. Agree or not, this is WHAT they believe.

You could physically torture and kill them in our prisons, and you won’t make them blink. Hell, they LOVE martyrdom. They don’t value life, as we do. Islamic extremists value “honor”, as they see it. They value men’s worth over women. They value their idea of “cleanliness”. They value their religion…they’re extremists! Cut their heads off, big deal. Tempt them with a gorgeous woman, big deal. But in Abu Ghabi, we went out and found the perfect foil – a scrawny, ugly crew slut who was doing half the barracks. Then we stripped them all and let Crew Slut fondle them in front of the camera.

Pictures of them being humiliated by an ugly American slut. BUT, before you condemn the guards of Abu Ghabi, keep in mind that a month later, we captured Saddam Hussein…you can't just enjoy Victory without taking into account the tactics we employed to acheive it. If you are deluded enough to believe that we ALWAYS operate on the highest moral plane...put down the Cheez Puffs and go wash yer fingers, bimbolips.

We are just so out of touch with the rest of the world. We are the only place in the world where being multi-lingual is not only not expected, but discouraged by our elders. I choke every single time Dubya gets up on his pulpit and declares that “America is about the Good People, the Free People, the Right People”. Shit, George Bush IS the representative American…arrogant as all get out, not even giving a thought as to how the rest of the world see us.

Bush portrays us as the “kind compassionate” watchdogs of this world. Wanna know what the rest of the world thinks of us?

Americans are the treacherous ingrates that rebelled against England, their main sponsor. They ruthlessly fucked the native inhabitants out of their land, by any and all means possible. Once they took up as much of North America as they could, they started branching out imperially into South America and the Pacific with their doctrines of “allegiance by compassionate aid”, causing resentment amongst most of the Third World.

They almost single-handedly brought the entire economy of the world down to its knees with their post-WWI greed and speculation, which started the Depression of the 30’s, which led to the rise of Hitler and WWII. Now, THERE was a war that should have pointed out to one and all the difference between them and other races of people. Americans could not deal with kamikazes, Japanese suicide pilots that would guide their planes as bombs into American warships. For Japanese extremists also believe in afterlife, and honor, and “saving face”, far more than life on this earth. Hell, they’re far more into pre-destiny than free will, a fact that befuddles Americans to this very day.

Americans ended WWII, yes, by inventing and implementing the most heinous weapon known to mankind. Japan surrendered because they knew the “compassionate” Americans would never know when to quit. Schoolkids all over the world learn in history class that it was Americans who were the only people to use nukes during wartime.

Then, they spent decades trying to implement their will against a region of people who clearly did not want or need them there, in Vietnam. Their departure in 1975 was met with relief on both sides of the DMZ. Once again, no thought beforehand on the fact that they Viet Cong would stop at nothing to protect their land. The VC may not have invented guerilla warfare, but they had to perfect it to deal with the American extremists.

This next paragraph, I have re-written 47 times. It deals with the whole Israeli-Palestinan conflict, and it is pretty clear that America has aided and abetted Israel on a consistent basis since day one. Now I will NOT question the validity of Israel, at the risk of flam-i-tude by every Jewish guy on the web. But put yourself in the shoes of an Islamic Extremist for a minute...wouldn't YOU be royally pissed off? Sure, you would. You'd think that it was just another example that the Great Satan, America, wants to rid the world of YOU, the God-fearing Islamic Fundamentalist.

And, how wrong would YOU be?

For forty-plus years, Americans played a toxic game of chicken with Russia. Once again, the Americans stood behind God and Freedom, and accused Russians of being atheists who did not value human life. They puffed out their chests and snarled at Russia, threatening them with annihilation. Once again, they did not bother to know thy enemy, for what is a Russian, but someone who is proud of their homeland, and proud of their toughness. So what does America do, but question their manhood, and threaten to turn their Mother Country into a parking lot.

America beat Russia, in the Reagan era, by going into eternal debt by spending more money on nukes than Russia could even muster. America went “all in”, and Russia was forced to swallow their pride, fold, disband, and take on the American model of free enterprise. There was NO compassion there….and the rest of the world took notice, believe me.

Now, they lay waste to two entire nations, one because they suspect they are harboring a fugitive from justice, and the other because they suspect they have WMDs, even thought there is No, None, Zero proof that there are any.

But, GeeDubya thinks were God’s people, that we’re on the side of right, truth, and freedom.

Geedubya, I’m not saying that you’re wrong. What I am saying is that YOU are an American Extremist. I am also saying that the rest of the fucking world doesn’t agree with you, one damn bit. The world doesn’t see America as the land of goodness, freedom, and compassion.

They see us as a bunch of ruthless, treacherous, ruthless, hypercompetitive, ruthless fucknuts.

So, you’re saying, what’s the problem?

Well, look to yer left. See that blob of land west of Hawaii? They call that Asia, and half the world’s people live there. They’re looking at us, now, and what do they see? A sparsely populated area, one-third of the world’s land mass, with less people on the entire thing than what lives in India alone. Way less. They’ve been sending their best and brightest to college here for decades, they’re learning all about America and its people, our strengths and our weaknesses.

And what about us? Oh, we get mighty pissed when some fuckload commits an act of terrorism on our own soil, and we lash out like a spoiled child. I’m not saying we shouldn’t stand up for ourselves, no, hell no. If Osama Bin Laden planned 9/11, then we oughta go and string up the fucker.

But first, we should be doing our homework. To a lesser degree, do a better job of pinpointing where Osama might be. But to a greater degree, know thy enemy. Don’t go in there expecting everyone to think like us. When we get one up on them, don’t rub it in their faces, like the Abu Ghabi pictures or the Newsweek article. The Middle Eastern tour is taking a lot longer than expected, just like Vietnam, because we are doomed to keep repeating history by NOT learning about the enemy, and the more mistakes we make, the greater their resolve.

We need to learn and understand the Eastern Asian…Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Indonesian, Indian. For my money, THIS is where the threat will come from. One thing the Eastern Asian knows, is PATIENCE. They’ve been at this a lot longer than we have as Americans, they’ve seen real honest-to-God dynasties come and go. I don’t know why in fuck’s name we are pouring billions of dollars and thousands of lives, not to mention the service hitches of hundreds of thousands of American soldiers into a smelly-assed hole in the ground like Iraq?

We need to protect ourselves against Eastern Asia. I love conspiracies, and I always wonder how come the rest of the countries in that region are putting up with that ranting cumstick Kim Jong Il, or whatever his name is in North Korea. Could he merely be serving as a lightning rod, a trap for us to bite on, and as soon as we go in to suppress this phlegmball (and we will), the rest of the mouth of Asia will snap shut?

What’s the moral? Quit looking at yourself so long in the mirror. Take the time to learn about how the “other half” lives. Rather than getting all indignant because the rest of the world distrusts us…maybe ask yourself, as I have: might they have a Legitimate Beef?

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5/05/2005 11:14:00 AM by Rob

The Funeral for the 2005 Chicago Cubs


Good afternoon. I am the Most Reverend Uncouth Sloth, and I have been entrusted with the heavy task of delivering the eulogy for the 2005 Chicago Cubs.

Many of you were here last July when we buried the 2004 Chicago Cubs, and some of you insisted that there still was a pulse, but ultimately, the good doctor was right in calling the time of death. The death of this year's team is especially painful, especially in a season so young, so full of potential in this early spring here in Chicago.

But there is no hope, my friends. There is no hope.

The Cardinals will run away again this year, yea, I fear. This leaves many of us faithful wondering whether there is a God, when has-beens and never-shall-be's such as Mark Grudzalanek and Julian Tavarez can stink like shit while wearing the blue, but perform miracles while wearing the red. Please know, my good people, that God has far more pressing issues on His plate than the denoument of the National League Central. We live in a country where the government considers dishonesty as a strategic weapon, and this place is one of the BETTER ones! At least our people don't strap explosives on themselves and detonate themselves in our employment offices, at least not very often.

I watched the final throes last night with my wife, whereas I told her EVERYTHING that would happen before it did, and lo, she was impressed, as I was depressed. I wondered out loud why Dusty Baker would send the kid Novoa out in the ninth. I knew with one out, Bill Hall would smite us. I called and agreed with the walk to Jenkins, and when Lee flied deep, I swore for I knew Hall would be tagging. The key was when they decided to pitch around Overbay. (When did Overbay get elected to the Hall of Fame?) I knew with bases loaded, Novoa would not feel comfortable, after he threw two upstairs, I knew it was all over. After Miller swung at ball four once, I knew that he would then realize that the pressure was not his, but Novoa's. I knew that he would not even attempt to take the bat off of his shoulder.

Novoa is the black Kyle Farns #44.

Garciaparra is a fragile, brittle sort, and Boston management noticed the fork stuck in his back two years ago. That is why they wear rings, and we do not.

Ramirez plays well when he's hungry, and logic said to pay him this year. Lo, but logic also says that he would approach his business the same way in 2005 as he did in 2004. As a fat-n-sassy 23 year old, the good people of Pittzburgh grew tired of him. Now, as a fat-n-sassy 28 year old, we too shall grow weary of his laziness.

Derrek Lee and Neifi Perez are due to wake up any day now. You cannot count on them.

Corey Patterson will never be the next Lou Brock, no matter how hard management wants him to be. He will never be the next Barry Bonds, no matter how hard Corey wants to be. Somebody the other day called him the latter-day Sixto Lezcano, which I don't think is at all fair. He's at least the latter-day Bobby Bonds.

Lo, I myself said way back in February that the Crimson Shin, Todd Holly himself, is not a starter, and if he was to receive 400 at bats, it would be detrimental to him, the club, and to us. Once again, O Lord, you have granted me wisdom I am unworthy to bear.

Prior and Zambrano are still kids, Wood is still a self-destructive stubborn fool, Maddux is too little, too late, Hawkins is not a closer, Borowski is too dumb to come in out of the rain, and the vaunted Cubs farm system ultimately proved to be just wind in sails. Jim Hendry has proven that he can make chicken salad out of chickenshit salaries, but he has not proven he can make the big move to tip us over the top.

But most of all, it points back to the overrated, tax evading moron hiding behind his six year old son.

Cause of death...Dusty.

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5/04/2005 12:53:00 PM by Rob

My take on the 2005 Chicago Cubs

I'm the loser wearing the tie.

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5/03/2005 01:31:00 PM by Rob

Another Public Service Announcement from yer friendly Unca Sloth

For those of yeeewww whose sense of history begins with "Clay Aiken's close loss on 'American Idol 2'", who considers "Lost" to be a long-running TV series, and can say with a straight face "Shawon Dunston and Mark Grace were old-time Cubs"....

For those of you who just can't understand the hoohah about that fat pig Kirstie Alley on them Jenny Craig commercials...

...look, to your left. That ain't no fake. THAT was once Kirstie Alley.

Sure, she's always gotta face only a drag queen's mom can love. But she once could wear a pair of tight designer jeans with pride, and she once cause a HUGE stir at an awards show, like the Emmys or something, when she went up to the podium to pick up her award for her work on "Cheers" and thanked her then-husband for "giving her the big one"! Her hubby, of course, was former TV Hardy Boy Parker Stevenson, and OMG, how cheezy MUST their bedroom furniture have been back in their day. Probably dense aqua pile shag carpet covering all six sides of their domicile, including where the Thai Basket hung above their bed.

They're divorced now, so don't worry, Parker Stevenson doesn't look like, say, Will Farrell after having a live high-pressure air pump shoved up his rectum for three days.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, I guess.

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5/02/2005 01:11:00 PM by Rob

Krista Allen


This is probably the least provocative pose of Krista out there right now.

One of us, is a huge fan of the other.

One of us was Emanuelle in the Skinemax-level movie series.

One of us is always working in TV or movies, whenever they need a super-hott buxom beauty for a role.

One of us was on Project Greenlight, and the behind-the-scenes look at our talents was not flattering.

One of us just gummed up the hinges of our laptop while looking at the more saucy pictures of the other.

Google the images of Krista Allen, especially YOU, CZ's Dad. You're very very welcome. | |