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Tuesday, May 17

We’re ALL in trouble, and here’s why

Well, due to the occurrence of a completely irrational and self-destructive act on my part, brought on by the Adventures of LaTroy Hawkins, Boy Closer, I haven’t enjoyed the use of my left arm for awhile. I’m just getting back to work now. I was clinically told to get a life. The Vike has a lot to say to you all today.

But not about the Cubs. Jim Hendry is the absentee father who is far too busy to pay attention to his teenage son, Dusty Baker. So the father hands the son the keys to a blue Jaguar, the Cubs. And Dusty and his drunken friends eat in the car, drink in the car, puke in the car, run over mailboxes and smash it into fenceposts. That’s the analogy I have today. Hendry bought us an expensive, fragile team, and Baker has run it into the ground.

For my friends the Brewer fans, these truths are self evident:

- You WILL finish above the Cubs
- You WILL finish second in the Central
- You WILL NOT come within 20 games of the Cardinals, and you will NOT come within 10 games of the Wild Card

Anyway, what I got all backed up inside me today is America. Yep, I’m going political today, and I don’t give a flying fuck if you all strip the skin off of my ass. I can go two weeks without writing, I can go forever if I have to.

The publishers of Newsweek are being pressured by the government to “retract their lie” about some jarhead prison guard in Guantanamo flushing the Koran down the toilet. Do I think this is right?

Hell, I think the publishers of Newsweek ought to be put on trial for treason and gross stupidity!! Not for telling the truth, which I am willing to bet my balls on, that it was in fact true that Korans were flushed. They should cease printing Right Fucking Now for being so fucking stupid as to actually PRINT that this happened.

Once again, the Ugly American has reared its head, BY EXPECTING EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD TO THINK AS WE DO, and by not understanding the consequences of their failure to do so. To us, it was just a book. But to a Muslim, it means much more than that. Obviously, someone in the Armed Forces understands how to mind-fuck a Muslim. You really don’t think they knew what they were doing in Abu Ghabi? They knew damn well what they were doing.

See, Americans are so Goddamned conceited, we think that the most precious thing there is is our precious lives. Because each one of us thinks we are the end-all, be-all of all existence. But not EVERYONE in the world thinks that way. It doesn’t take a two-semester course in Middle Eastern History to figure out that Islamic extremists don’t hold life in the same regard as we do. They think NOTHING of strapping explosives on the bodies of their children, and send them into crowded spaces and detonate them. They believe in an afterlife, people. Agree or not, this is WHAT they believe.

You could physically torture and kill them in our prisons, and you won’t make them blink. Hell, they LOVE martyrdom. They don’t value life, as we do. Islamic extremists value “honor”, as they see it. They value men’s worth over women. They value their idea of “cleanliness”. They value their religion…they’re extremists! Cut their heads off, big deal. Tempt them with a gorgeous woman, big deal. But in Abu Ghabi, we went out and found the perfect foil – a scrawny, ugly crew slut who was doing half the barracks. Then we stripped them all and let Crew Slut fondle them in front of the camera.

Pictures of them being humiliated by an ugly American slut. BUT, before you condemn the guards of Abu Ghabi, keep in mind that a month later, we captured Saddam Hussein…you can't just enjoy Victory without taking into account the tactics we employed to acheive it. If you are deluded enough to believe that we ALWAYS operate on the highest moral plane...put down the Cheez Puffs and go wash yer fingers, bimbolips.

We are just so out of touch with the rest of the world. We are the only place in the world where being multi-lingual is not only not expected, but discouraged by our elders. I choke every single time Dubya gets up on his pulpit and declares that “America is about the Good People, the Free People, the Right People”. Shit, George Bush IS the representative American…arrogant as all get out, not even giving a thought as to how the rest of the world see us.

Bush portrays us as the “kind compassionate” watchdogs of this world. Wanna know what the rest of the world thinks of us?

Americans are the treacherous ingrates that rebelled against England, their main sponsor. They ruthlessly fucked the native inhabitants out of their land, by any and all means possible. Once they took up as much of North America as they could, they started branching out imperially into South America and the Pacific with their doctrines of “allegiance by compassionate aid”, causing resentment amongst most of the Third World.

They almost single-handedly brought the entire economy of the world down to its knees with their post-WWI greed and speculation, which started the Depression of the 30’s, which led to the rise of Hitler and WWII. Now, THERE was a war that should have pointed out to one and all the difference between them and other races of people. Americans could not deal with kamikazes, Japanese suicide pilots that would guide their planes as bombs into American warships. For Japanese extremists also believe in afterlife, and honor, and “saving face”, far more than life on this earth. Hell, they’re far more into pre-destiny than free will, a fact that befuddles Americans to this very day.

Americans ended WWII, yes, by inventing and implementing the most heinous weapon known to mankind. Japan surrendered because they knew the “compassionate” Americans would never know when to quit. Schoolkids all over the world learn in history class that it was Americans who were the only people to use nukes during wartime.

Then, they spent decades trying to implement their will against a region of people who clearly did not want or need them there, in Vietnam. Their departure in 1975 was met with relief on both sides of the DMZ. Once again, no thought beforehand on the fact that they Viet Cong would stop at nothing to protect their land. The VC may not have invented guerilla warfare, but they had to perfect it to deal with the American extremists.

This next paragraph, I have re-written 47 times. It deals with the whole Israeli-Palestinan conflict, and it is pretty clear that America has aided and abetted Israel on a consistent basis since day one. Now I will NOT question the validity of Israel, at the risk of flam-i-tude by every Jewish guy on the web. But put yourself in the shoes of an Islamic Extremist for a minute...wouldn't YOU be royally pissed off? Sure, you would. You'd think that it was just another example that the Great Satan, America, wants to rid the world of YOU, the God-fearing Islamic Fundamentalist.

And, how wrong would YOU be?

For forty-plus years, Americans played a toxic game of chicken with Russia. Once again, the Americans stood behind God and Freedom, and accused Russians of being atheists who did not value human life. They puffed out their chests and snarled at Russia, threatening them with annihilation. Once again, they did not bother to know thy enemy, for what is a Russian, but someone who is proud of their homeland, and proud of their toughness. So what does America do, but question their manhood, and threaten to turn their Mother Country into a parking lot.

America beat Russia, in the Reagan era, by going into eternal debt by spending more money on nukes than Russia could even muster. America went “all in”, and Russia was forced to swallow their pride, fold, disband, and take on the American model of free enterprise. There was NO compassion there….and the rest of the world took notice, believe me.

Now, they lay waste to two entire nations, one because they suspect they are harboring a fugitive from justice, and the other because they suspect they have WMDs, even thought there is No, None, Zero proof that there are any.

But, GeeDubya thinks were God’s people, that we’re on the side of right, truth, and freedom.

Geedubya, I’m not saying that you’re wrong. What I am saying is that YOU are an American Extremist. I am also saying that the rest of the fucking world doesn’t agree with you, one damn bit. The world doesn’t see America as the land of goodness, freedom, and compassion.

They see us as a bunch of ruthless, treacherous, ruthless, hypercompetitive, ruthless fucknuts.

So, you’re saying, what’s the problem?

Well, look to yer left. See that blob of land west of Hawaii? They call that Asia, and half the world’s people live there. They’re looking at us, now, and what do they see? A sparsely populated area, one-third of the world’s land mass, with less people on the entire thing than what lives in India alone. Way less. They’ve been sending their best and brightest to college here for decades, they’re learning all about America and its people, our strengths and our weaknesses.

And what about us? Oh, we get mighty pissed when some fuckload commits an act of terrorism on our own soil, and we lash out like a spoiled child. I’m not saying we shouldn’t stand up for ourselves, no, hell no. If Osama Bin Laden planned 9/11, then we oughta go and string up the fucker.

But first, we should be doing our homework. To a lesser degree, do a better job of pinpointing where Osama might be. But to a greater degree, know thy enemy. Don’t go in there expecting everyone to think like us. When we get one up on them, don’t rub it in their faces, like the Abu Ghabi pictures or the Newsweek article. The Middle Eastern tour is taking a lot longer than expected, just like Vietnam, because we are doomed to keep repeating history by NOT learning about the enemy, and the more mistakes we make, the greater their resolve.

We need to learn and understand the Eastern Asian…Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Indonesian, Indian. For my money, THIS is where the threat will come from. One thing the Eastern Asian knows, is PATIENCE. They’ve been at this a lot longer than we have as Americans, they’ve seen real honest-to-God dynasties come and go. I don’t know why in fuck’s name we are pouring billions of dollars and thousands of lives, not to mention the service hitches of hundreds of thousands of American soldiers into a smelly-assed hole in the ground like Iraq?

We need to protect ourselves against Eastern Asia. I love conspiracies, and I always wonder how come the rest of the countries in that region are putting up with that ranting cumstick Kim Jong Il, or whatever his name is in North Korea. Could he merely be serving as a lightning rod, a trap for us to bite on, and as soon as we go in to suppress this phlegmball (and we will), the rest of the mouth of Asia will snap shut?

What’s the moral? Quit looking at yourself so long in the mirror. Take the time to learn about how the “other half” lives. Rather than getting all indignant because the rest of the world distrusts us…maybe ask yourself, as I have: might they have a Legitimate Beef?