8/20/2004 10:06:00 AM by Rob

The Sloth's Olympic coverage

Cue olympic theme:

BUMMMM-bum BUM-BUM-bummmmm...

You all know I like 'em young, and I am willing and able to someday write a few thousand choice words about how girl ice skaters have the best bodies in the universe. Linda Fratiane pulled me through puberty...Jill Trenary...Katarina Witt, the ice queen is HOTT! The Russians had a couple ice dancers, Marina Klimova with her red hair, and I remember her name, Klimova, because I wanted to climax all ova her...

It's all the pushing off from the gluteal region, that gives 'em all that round skaters ass, even the young ones like Sarah Hughes can tweak my strings.

It ain't the same in gymnastics. I know some who get off on watching these starving midgets slam themselves down on the balance beam, but see, I ain't no pedophile. Young, yes, but you need to look legal. These 4-foot-somethings, 83 pound girls, 16 year olds with the body of 11 year olds. I always feel slimy after watching.

And watching male gymnasts? How much male porn uses male gymnasts as a plot device? 45%? 50%?

Anyway, the main observation from last night's viewing was that I kept cringing when Russian ballerina Svetlana Khorkina would show up on my TV box. She's the REAL tall one (5-foot-5) who still weighs about 46 pounds. I kept expecting one of her skinny twig legs to crack open, and borscht start pouring out all over the mat.

In terms of the Sloth's Grand Majestic Emaciated, Anorexic scale, Khorkina scores a 9.5 out of 10:



Scoring slighty worse (fatter) than the All-time champ (famous division), Lara Flynn Boyle:



But scoring higher than the previous runner-up, Calista Flockhart.



And, in closing, I realize this is a cultural difference, and that people in her own country would not understand if she was whistling while she worked. But Svetlana, baby, you one harrrrd lookin' bitch. What, if you smile, another nuclear reactor in Siberia is going to melt down into the earth's core? Stop looking so Goddamned serious, ice cube! You need a fuck real bad, kiddo. I suppose there are all sorts of black turtleneck-wearing fucks with pierced lips and Stoli breath who would be willing to ride your bony ass.

Hopefully, you'll gain 30 quick ones, once you stop training, and maybe if you're lucky, you can grow some tits. If you meet a rich guy, he can even buy you some!! Shit yeah, happens all the time here in Amerika.

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