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Thursday, August 19

Open letter from Russell Branyan

August 19, 2004

Hey, y'all. I know we lost last night and all, but I did get two homers, and drove in all the runs for us. I'm back from triple-A, I'm hitting over .270 now, I'm playing regular, and even though the team itself has been sliding steadily into last place since I came up, I've been doing OK, haven't I? It isn't MY fault we're losing, hell, Seddy (Scott Posednik) was down below .240 before the Cubs came back the other day.

Anyway, can I tell you how bad the minors suck? I mean, look at things here? They give us, like, $150 meal money a day, and shiiit, I eat ALL of my meals in the clubhouse. Plus, remember, twice a month they slip me $14,000 clear! I'm livin' large, yo. Got me a nice suite at the Pfister, and I'm buyin' Playstation games and CDs like mad, buddy. Back in Indy, we were livin' like 7 guys in a townhouse, and guys shit, socks, shoes were everywhere. It stunk like snatch the whole time down there...

...and don't even TALK about the snatch here in the bigs.

It's all good, but guys been spookin' me out lately. Been calling me "Dave Kingman" and stuff. I'm askin' them, who's this Kingman, and they all start laughing at me and shit. Well, I ain't no hick, I got me a laptop, dig? I get out to Google him, and turns out he was a baseball player! So I then go to Baseball Reference., and I look up this Kingman guy.

Turns out he was a helluva guy, man. 442 dongs, man, and I don't understand why this guy isn't in the Hall of Fame, dude? So it's cool that they call me Dave Kingman, now, 'cause he was one of the all-time greats.