8/03/2004 12:33:00 PM by Rob

I share a birthday with Martha Stewart and Tony Bennett

Hmmm.

That must mean that I spend the rest of my life either a) singing in Mafia-owned supper clubs, or b) stabbing people in the back, climbing the pyramid on the backs of my underlings, and eventually going to jail for cheating other investors.

I'll take jail. I've heard they have a mean lobster roll in the commissary there.

The big big big news around here today has been dubbed Nomar-Gate. Is he hurt, or was he jakin' it for the BoSox? Did Hendry knowingly take damaged goods, as claimed by Theo Epstein? Or was he ok all along, and just couldn't bring himself to step up this year in spite of the fact that his team wanted A-Wad more than himself?

Wanna know what I think? Sure, or else, why are you here?

I think it is fucking sick that THIS is all they can think of to write and report about. Jeeezus H. God-dancing Christ, the fucker has only been in town two DAYS!! He got a clutch 2-out base knock for you, he ran his ass all around the diamond catching pop-ups in the wind, and most importantly, WE ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO STAY HERE, you lip-drooling morons!!

What do we know about Anthony Nomar Garciaparra?

1) His dad's name is Ramon, which is Nomar spelled backwards, thus the middle name. He is as American as all of us.
2) He hit, like, .372 and .357 a few years back. Since then, he has been bothered by injuries. But so was another fine American, Moises Alou. Now, after renewed interest in off-season conditioning, he's now Aloooooouuuuu!
3) He's one helluva lot better than Alex fucking Gonzalez.
4) If he is only here this year, we gave up a hella bunch for him. I can deal with Justin Jones and Francis Beltran being good, if we are able to keep a .300 hitter for the long term. Otherwise, I might have a reason to piss and moan.
5) He is EXTREMELY sensitive, and you might try giving him a chance to show us whether or not he is hurt. If he is, then it's not HIS fault. If he's not, then shut up, smile, enjoy it, RIDE THE FUCKING COW FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, then at the END of the season, discuss whether he jaked it for the BoSox this year.

God damn. And you all think I'm the one who always pisses on the picnic.

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