8/30/2004 09:40:00 AM by Rob

I honestly don't know WHAT to think!

It would be hypocritical for me to spend my time today tearing the Cubs' players and manager to shreds, for their unique, singular brand of immaturity. The reason is, that I actually spoke the words "The only way they are going to get Carlos Beltran out, is if someone smashes him in the knee", three innings before it actually happened.

Keep in mind, the next thing I had said, was, "I really wish WE could have gotten him."

My wife simply said, "He's really good."

Yes, dear, he is.

It would also be hypocritical of me to rip Kent Mercker for ACTUALLY CALLING THE CUBS' PRESS BOX to complain about the fact that Chip Caray oozes his seminal man love for Roy Oswalt. Because I would fire Chip in a second for being so goddamned patronizing about the rest of the league.

I mean, I'm pretty sure Pat Hughes was not a Cub fan prior to his hire, but he manages to call a great game, and sound supportive of his team. He's a PRO, which Chip is NOT. If you love the AssTrolls so goddamned much, Chipper, why don't you do what Grampa did, go down there and boot Milo Hamilton from his job? And leave us the fuck alone?

It would be false for me to state that Cap'n Tightpants run-in with the evil dugout fan was unfortunate, for I was sitting there wondering if there were any grounds the Cubs could call on to disable him for just being an asshole? His getting cut up by the fan blades is almost as timely as, say, Reg'lar Joe's "irritated labrum".

It would also be somewhat disingenuous for me to criticize Michael Barrett for trying to pick a fight with the puckered asshole Roy Oswalt, or to criticize Mike Remlinger for (maybe) hitting Fat Elvis in the head. It might even be sort of wrong for me to question the motives of Mr. Dusty Baker, since last week when they were steamrolling people, I was stating the fact that nobody knows stretch runs like Dusty does.

But, when you take the WHOLE big picture into consideration...it is plain to see that this team has, as of right now, achieved Critical Mass, which I believe is defined as "the optimal state for an atomic nucleus to split and release its energy". This team is at the very brink of completely flying apart at the start of this road trip. Players either love or hate the Montreal trip, depending on their love of the plentiful hookers, strippers, and other whores, and their level of disdain for Customs, rude French-speaking people, and food you cannot spell.

All of this, and NONE of it has to do with Sammy Sosa? Imagine that?

I can certainly empathize with anyone who says that "this team is hard to root for, because of the players on it". Too bad Farns isn't making this trip, for the hookers, strippers, and whores stand to make far less American dollars because of it.

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