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Friday, August 27

Gold-medal winning phone conversation

A cell phone plays 'olaaaay, olay olay olay', somewhere in Athens.

Gus: "Yeah? Who dis?"
Nomar: " Mia there?"
Gus: "No Mia. Gus. Gus Staphinokeles. Hellas."
Nomar: "Shit. I can't see all these little keys in the dark."
Gus: "Turn light on, putz...."

Phone disconnects. Soon, another cell phone rings in Athens.

Mia: "Honey? Is that you?"
Nomar: "Yeah, babe. It's me. How are you?"
Mia: "Well, real good, I guess. See me on TV?"
Nomar: "Honey, I had them TiVo the game for me, and I blew off the postgame press to watch the whole thing. You were wonderful!"
Mia: "Did you see where I said we have a gold medal now for the family?"
Nomar: "Oh, sorry hon. They didn't get that part."
Mia: "I'm sorry, did I say something?"
Nomar: "No, Mia, no. I just....I just never thought there would be a gold medal in my house, after we sucked so bad in Barcelona."
Mia: "But we ALREADY have a gold medal in our house."
Nomar: "I know."
Mia: "And a silver, too".
Nomar: "Yeah, they're all YOURS, you know".
Mia: "Honey, don't be mad that my teams all won."
Nomar: "I know, I know. I'm not. I just...feel kinda.."
Mia: "Insecure?"
Nomar: "NO! Inadequate, I guess."
Mia: "Ha! Jeez, dear, have you cashed your last $600,000 paycheck yet? Do you know how much Gatorade I have to swill, on camera, just to make half of that?"
Nomar: "I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean it that way. Thanks for making me feel better."
Mia: "That's ok, babycakes. I need you. Real bad. I can't wait to come home."
Nomar: "Me too, babe."
Mia: "Now, just where IS home these days?"
Nomar: "Well, I got a place here in Chicago. It's real nice. Concierge. Nice linens. Covered parking, 24/7 workout club, and the team takes care of everything for us.."
Mia: "Oh yeah, the Cubs. How are they doing?"
Nomar: "We're 8-for-9 these days, and leading the wild card."
Mia: "Wild Card? I thought that was just for Boston."
Nomar: "We're in the NL, honey. Boston was the AL. They have another wild card."
Mia: "Why can't you win a division for once?"
Nomar: "Ouch, babe. Well, the Cardinals are better than the Yankees, even. We'll never catch them. But Florida and Anaheim won the World Series as Wild Cards, and once we get in the playoffs, anything can happen."
Mia: "I hope you don't get the wild card."
Nomar: "Why, honey? That's the only chance we have."
Mia: "We've been apart for so long. I want you to spend some time with me."
Nomar: "...and Brandi and Julie and..."
Mia: "No, babe. Just us. We can go to Hawaii, or Tahiti! For weeks and weeks, just us, alone."
Nomar: "We can still do that, even if we do win."
Mia: "Don't you mean WHEN you win?"
Nomar: "Yeah. YEAH. WHEN we win, I'll take YOU to Tahiti. With my World Series shares. I'll show YOU what a gold medal performance is."
Mia: ", sorry. Some scruffy asshat just pinched my ass...HEY, YOU! Get back here....YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU, DICK!! I'll kick your ass...what's your name?"
Gus: "Uhhhh...Nomar Garceenaparray..."
Nomar: "Honey...take it easy..."
Mia: "It's ok, dear. I'm just going to show him my award winning follow-through...OOOOFFF!"

So, in the historic streets of the city named after the Greek goddess Athena, a scruffy, disreputable man lies bleeding from his nostrils, gripping his package like it would fall off if he let go. Nearby, a talented, sexually frustrated woman steams off towards the Olympic village to pick up the girls for champagne.

While, in the early morning light, Nomar Garciaparra calls room service, and I'm not talking bacon-n-eggs.