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Bruce, we gave you tha keys, and THIS is what you brought home?

¿Dónde está mi dinero, las rameras?

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Monday, January 23

Monday's things I think I think

Once again, due to the onslaught of mindless right-wing jingoistic dogshit I have packing my e-mailbox, let me repeat: anyone that thinks this war is about Protecting our Freedoms is an assbag. Anyone that thinks that people who are against the war are also Against America are raging assbags. Anyone that thinks that people who are concerned about Iraqi civilians are also Against America are flaming assbags, and God help you if you have lost a loved one in Korea, Vietnam, or Iraq...if you have, I guess you are free to think what you want, to help you through it.

But what was going on in 1950 Korea that was a threat to American Security?

What was going on in 1965 Indochina that was a threat to American Security?

Hell, I myself will even admit that there is a very slight possibility that maybe just maybe there was some sort of terrorist training camp operating in Iraq, even though no WMDs were ever found there. Since the shit-eating turbanheads were able to come here and commandeer a few airliners and fly them into buildings, I admit there is a risk there. A risk that could have been eliminated with some decent intelligence and a few surgical strikes launched from a remote site.

The true test, to me, is whether or not I would be still sitting in the same place right here and now if we hadn't gone to Korea in 1950 (yes) or to Vietnam in 1965 (yes) or to Kuwait in 1991 (yes) or to Iraq in 2003 (yes). And if you honestly think otherwise, then you're a paranoid hyperfrightened assfissure.

Kobe Bryant

The following men have scored more than 68 points in an NBA game:

Wilt Chamberlain
Kobe Bryant
Elgin Baylor
David Thompson
David Robinson
Michael Jordan

I wasn't around for Wilt or Elgin, but they were both gods. I had heard one story about the Wilt 100, who was playing for Philly at the time, but their "home" game that night was in Hershey, PA. None of the other regulars felt like breaking a sweat that night, so they told Wilt to do all the heavy lifting.

MJ threw his 69 (insert blond white trash joke here) in against Cleveland, because they were Cleveland, and because they hadn't won anything yet, and he was trying to show the rest of his young team that they were on the brink of something special. The Davids were both similar in that they were outstanding talents who never really materialized, one due to his cerebrality, the other due to his cocainality. Both were waged in an attempt to win scoring titles, and as hollow as that is, neither rang as hollow as Kobe's 81 last night.

I don't know WHAT the fuck Phil's doing, it sure looks like he's just phoning it in. This isn't a budding star trying to show a young team the way. This is one man and 11 rejects, recreating. Kobe himself will tell you that he truly believes he HAS to score like that to win, and I believe that he believes. The true Selfish Self doesn't act out of malice; it acts purely on its own behalf, its need to be all and have all. He doesn't even know he's being selfish, he is so utterly wrapped up within himself. It doesn't even occur to him how he is cheating the other 11, how he is cutting the platform out under himself, he doesn't even THINK championships are won by teams. He should have taken up golf or tennis or track. He may be the most talented basketball player ever. He's also a throbbing ass-noodle.

The Cubs

I cannot believe Todd Walker is still here.

Maybe management thinks he's one of these guys that responds well to criticism, because if they're planning on using him this year, he's going to have to work his way through a lot of that. Whether they planned it or not, they've painted themselves in a corner.

Either they need to make him the starter at second, or they need to trade him. You CAN'T have him here to sit and fester. I myself would package him and either Rusch and/or Williams and/or prospects for a 200-inning starter, like Barry Zito, or whomever else is available. I don't feel either Rusch or Williams can go 200 innings or win 15 games, and if we could find someone that can...put it this way. What did the White Sux prove to us this fall? You can never have a mullet too greasy, or too much pitching.

Fuck the so-Called Farm System...we ain't getting no help from there. We need a real #3 or #4 starter.

Jenna Elfman

Even though her shows suck, and her movies suck, and her commercials suck, her body rocks. She's giving it another try tonight, where she plays a lawyer. Puhleeze, that's like Katherine Heigl playing a surgeon. No. Fucking. Way. But, she looks great trying.

UPDATE: oh yeah, Kobe? Chuck's haircut guy came to this country 11 years ago from Padua, Italy, where he cut hair for all the professional ballplayers (and their families), including Jellybean Joe Bryant and his son Kobe. What's more, Chuck's cousin's wife went to school at Lower Merion a couple of years before Kobe, but she would work as a math tutor there and she helped one of Kobe's girlfriends through Algebra 2.