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Friday, January 13

Cubs Convention Itinerary

This here, this is what it's all about. Horrifically dressed fanboys and sloppy sweaty hogs with stringy hair and fat floppy breasts, myself included, all jammed together in a decaying hotel downtown. I sure hope they have a strong ventilation system.

Well, thanks to Kurt, who took one for the team, and ordered us all Kubs Konvention passes, while he himself is stuck somewhere in the Great White North brewing double-decaf-mochachinnos for ungrateful Canucks. I've had months to plan my weekend, my first Konvention, and for Kurt, I'm planning on doing it right. Assuming that security at the door will be equivalent to that at Gate B at Wrigley, I present, to you now, my agenda for the 21st Annual Cubs Convention:


1:30 - blow out of work, go to my car, scrape the inch-thick coating of ice and shaving cream left over from my son's last Den meeting off my window. Daddy's goin' downtown!

3:00 - check into swanky 3 1/2 star hotel that I got at the last minute on Priceline. If you're lucky, like 1 out of 100,000 lucky, Captain Kirk Himself, Bill Shatner, actually personally e-mails your confirmation number. He said something that he hoped that I'd have a good time during my stay in (fill in the blank) Chicago, at least as good of time as he was having right now, with his wife. He really got lucky with THIS wife, he continued, for she was a real angel in the bedroom and a real whore in the kitchen.

So I replied, "Begging your pardon, Mr. Shatner, but isn't that the other way around?"

He wrote back, "Ha! Not THIS wife!! Have a good time..."

3:30 - walk on treadmill in fitness center. Unfortunately, I'm NOT making this one up.

4:15 - begin walk over to Chicago Hilton.

4:17 - arrive at Chicago Hilton. Get in line for mandatory cavity check by event security.

5:00 - opening ceremonies begin, I'm still 1,100 people back in line for mandatory cavity check by event security.

5:30 - ceremonies end with the introduction of the Cubs' most important acquisition, new starting left fielder Marquis Grissom, because he's been through the wars, dude. I finally pass through event security and immediately seek out vendors selling post cards with Chip Caray's autograph.

6:00 - meet up with Jason and Byron, get shoved for checking out Jason's wife. Event security quickly intervenes.

6:05 - out onto street. Must find way to sneak back into the Hilton without being seen by event security. Walk around back to the alley, where I observe tall skanky blond smoking a J with two Mexican busboys. She says she owns the place.

6:30 - 2 joints later, new friends Manuel, Jose, and Paris (no, really) get called back into kitchen. I follow them in like I belong. After 20 minutes of walking through a byzantine corridor of false walls and broom closets, I run into Jock Jones and LaTroy Hawkins, of all people, playing tonk on a cheesy bar table in a hallway. I don't DARE tell them my name, I just ask where the shindig is.

7:05 - I elbow my way over to where the SportsCentral Live show is being done. Off to the side, I see Len Kasper and Bob Brenly about to be interviewed, and immediately behind them is a guy and his dad wearing "Hank White Fan Club" t-shirts, trying to look important. I shit my pants when the guy and his dad are brought to the microphone to say something snarky to Middle America.

7:50 - It appears Byron has won a round of Cubs Bingo. Man, he's happy. I pretend I've never met him.

8:30 - after asking a visibly bored Ryan Dempster if he would want to do an e-mail interview for GROTA, he hands me a card with one of them fake e-mail addresses like we used to do in the Daily Dose, and I try to make my way to Kitty O'Shits.

8:35 - phone rings, it's "lilv" from the Coven, and it turns out she's, like, standing right behind me.

8:36 - phone rings, it's Mrs. Sloth, wanting to know who was on the line when she tried to call a minute ago. Just one of my little internet friends.

9:05 - we're all crammed into the bar, just me, Byron, lilv, lilv's friend, Jason, Jason's wife, the guy and his dad, Len Kasper, Tom Shaer, Sharon Panozzo, a big stuffed Cub bear for the Panozz's niece, Robin Earl, Rusty Kuntz, Miguel Dilone and his track coach, Juan Cruz and the gas face from a few years back, LaTroy, Jock, Ryno, his wife, his bodyguard, Brian Urlacher, Paris Hilton, Miguel y Jose, three of Urlacher's kids, Todd Walker and his brother-in-law Chad Hutchinson, their agent and the guy who sold their agent his current mobile home.

Naturally, who's buying all the drinks? The guy who makes the least amount of money out of all of us. My wife is going to be SO PISSED when this bill makes it home.

? - stumble back to 3 star hotel, they lost a half-star when the treadmill broke down after my workout.


2:30 PM - wake up, freak out, miss the Q&A with management, miss all the autograph sessions, miss "Celebrating 20 years of Vine Line" with my personal hero, Carrie Muskrat, try to pay for my valet parking, have my credit card be rejected. Sell one of my jerseys to some other fat slob to get my car out of hock. Drive all the way home without tapping the brakes once.