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Thursday, January 5

The C.U.B.S. room is not done yet

The big fat sweaty guys (and consider the source, so these dudes are TRULY Fat and Sweaty, Joe Borowski doesn't sweat enuf to fit in with this crew) aren't done with the carpet yet, but they will be tonight, and then I'll have some pictures.

Next, I'll be magnanimous: Carlos Zambrano's Dad, if you want Lindsay Lohan and her freckles that spread all over her body like leprosy, take her. If she comes up to me anytime soon, and begs: "Sloth, Take me, I'm yers", I'll politely decline and say "Nope, but can I interest you in the father of a crazy Venezuelan?"

Now, if Maria Sharapova makes the same plea, sorry, CZD, yer out of luck. All mine. She's on a billboard over the Tri-State, just past the Irving Park exit southbound. It's for Tag-Heuer watches. It's on a curve. I'm not the only one out there staring at her, crossing into other lanes of traffic. Ain't safe.

Last pointless point - BST went on a rant today about kettle-cooked potato chips, and the effect they have had on the marketing plans of a major oil company. Which got me going at lunch with three other fat guys, and the topic came around to "flavoring" of kettle chips. Tommy hasn't responded to my e-mail which pointedly blames him for the failure of my latest diet, but I'm sure what little kettle chip opinion I can offer today would suit him.

It's not a decision that should be taken lightly, if you are a purveyor of kettle chips, on whether or not you should flavor your chips. It is very hard to improve on the heady taste of thick crunchy potato in a coarse salt with pronounced oil flavors. It is worthless to season your chip with a weak, subtle seasoning that may work just fine on a thin, crispy Lay's chip.

If yer gonna season yer chips, then the taste needs to be bold, to compete with the coarse salt and the thick cut of the spud. A BBQ seasoning must be tangy AND spicy. A light powdering of cheese flavoring will not do: it should be a sharp cheddar or otherwise highly flavored variety. An onion chip should actually feature fibers of real onion, like a packet of onion soup.

In any case, a seasoned kettle chip should provide a real opportunity for secondary lickage. In other words, The seasoning should be applied thick enough for a substantial transfer on the fingers of the eating hand, so much so that they cannot be wiped clean with a dry paper napkin. Moisture must be applied, such as that which is found under a faucet or hand sterilizer, if you must, or most ideally inside your mouth during lickage. Nothing is more sensuous, to me, than when a freshfaced girl or woman takes the initiative to lick the thick covering of flavoring from your fingers. She shows that she is ready to make oral contact with your skin; to mingle her saliva with yours, and the lickage sensation against the tips of my digits causes blood to immediately rush from my brain to where I do the majority of my thinking.

However, the existence of a truly full-flavored kettle chip has proven elusive. The closest thing I can find is the Krunchers brand of chips. The jalapeno isn't bad at all, although it tends to shred my bunghole in due time. The mesquite is weak, but they used to have a garlic-n-parmesan that seemed to withstand the test. But soon after they started marketing the variety, they halted it, perhaps because too many fat swine such as myself ate too many at once and made themselves queasy. Look, Krunchers, we're adults. It's not your place to decide for me whether or not your chip flavor is a good thing. If I want to sicken myself from gluttony, it's all on me. Just keep doing whatcha do, and I'll live and learn.

It's not yer fault.