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Friday, October 14

Sixteen Safely Home, Duggars Want More

Little Rock, AR (AP) - little Johannah Faith Duggar, the sixteenth child of documentary subjects Joe Bob and Michelle Duggar, is safely home from the hospital, and her parents are already hard at work on a little brother or sister for her.

"Oh, yes," enthusiastically replied Joe Bob, "that's the great thing that God provides me and Michelle. Her labor was only about 20 minutes, we just checked into the hospital, sat down, and little Jasminn - Jehova - uh, I mean Jenni - gosh, shucks, the baby just popped out like a raisin bagel from a wide-slot toaster. Since my wife didn't need drugs or stitches, thank the Lord, she has no pain, and she's ready to go." Duggar shyly giggled to himself, and continued, "God only knows it's been three months since the third trimester started, and man, I'm some kind of loaded for bear!"

Mrs. Duggar gave a hint as to why so many children. "Before I married Jim Bob," Michelle explained, "I used to get these things called 'periods', and they really hurt. And I bled!! Joe Bob's so smart, praise the Lord. He told me that he had an idea on how I could completely avoid these 'periods' where I was in so much discomfort." She looked lovingly at her husband, and gushed, "He is so good to me, as is the Lord."

The Duggars and their children, all of whom have names starting with 'J', like their dad, have been the subject of a Learning Channel documentary, and TLC as well as the Discovery Channel have new shows in production about the clan. The coosome couple were asked if there were any difficulties with such a large family, logistic or otherwise.

Hesitantly Jim Bob, a former congressional candidate offered, "Well, I don't know if I should say this, but Lord willing, it should be alright. See, I guess, um, stimulation is kind of an issue for us. God help her, Michelle has been through so much, that her vaginal opening is kind of, um, big. In fact, when we go to sleep at night, that's where I keep the television remote control, along with our copy of the Good Word. There's nothing sacrilegious about this: we love the Lord, and we hold our bodies to be a sacred temple. Michelle cleans herself down there often, just as we've taught all our girls.

"I guess it's okay for me to say that since our second set of twins were born, I've pretty much availed myself to her, um, backside. It's nice and tight, and when the time is right, I just pull out of her pooper and dump my seed into her wishing well. Obviously, that's working out well for us. Michelle really hasn't gotten into it to this day, she feels it is an abomination unto the Lord. But as long as I remember to lick the 'little bishop', she's usually okay with it in the end."

"No pun intended!" Duggar quickly chuckled.

When asked if it was a financial burden for Michelle to have two wardrobes, one regular and one for maternity, she answered "Well, we really don't have that problem. I make all my own dresses, as well as for my girls, and since baby number 8, little Jus-his-name, I've just stopped making 'regular' outfits for myself, and just stick to the maternity patterns. When I'm not pregnant, I just go naked. This just drives Joe Bob crazy, and it's hard for him to keep his hands off of me. Most of the women I see in church never do it, at least with their husbands.

"I just feel so blessed," Michelle concluded. "Jim Bob and I are still so much in love with one another, and what better way to demonstrate our love for the Lord and for each other but to accept His blessing of children." At that, the Duggars ended the interview and rushed into the bedroom of their small, congested home.

When the children were asked for any comment, they stood respectful but silent until one of the girls, who appears about 10, stepped forward.

"Well, I have a problem that all of us had to have a 'J' name. My name is spelled J-I-N-G-E-R, and all the kids at school call me 'jing-er', which rhymes with 'ringer', when really my name is pronounced like 'ginger', like on Gilligan's Island. All the other kids in school have either a normal name like Jason or a biblical name like Jedediah." When it was pointed out to Jinger that she, like all the other Duggar children, were home schooled, she indicated that she forgot.


I mean, c'mon James and Joe. What the fuck, you want me to write about BASEBALL?? Now?? That wouldn't really fit in with what I've always done, would it? How about the disclaimer underneath Big Z? As I've always said, I ain't no Baseball fan, for Baseball's sake. I'm a Cub fan, I don't give a big rip about the rest of them, and since they're bringing Dusty back for next year, I'm too Goddamned discourage to even write about the Cubs anymore.