It started out as a Cub blog with cuss words. I'm still cussin'; it's the Cub part I'm a little squishy on these days.

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Bruce, we gave you tha keys, and THIS is what you brought home?

¿Dónde está mi dinero, las rameras?

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Tuesday, March 8

Time for my semi-annual bath

All Sloths that hibernate for the winter need to get in the water to wash off the stank. So, before I go leave a bathtub ring thicker than a Mounds bar, let me just jot down on here the Things I Have Written on my Forearm With Pen:

- The Cubs think Corey Patterson is Lou Brock. He thinks he's Barry Bonds. He's probably closer to Bobby Bonds. Or Preston Wilson. Anyway, he shouldn't lead off.

- Joe Borowski is back to his old self. Please bear in mind, though, that even his 2003 appearances were Adventures.

- Frank Thomas is back in camp. I have 3/10 in the "When will Ozzie semi-accidentally insult Frank causing irreperable damage to his fragile ego?" pool

- Dear Jesus, thank you for sending your boy Kurt and his butch wife into the desert, away from us.

- Check furnace filter.

- I don't remember...does Maddux have any MORE "designated catchers" bouncing around the league for next year?

- SamMe Sosa got thrown out of an exhibition game the other day for bitching about balls and strikes while standing out in right field. I really don't know what that means, actually. But Steve Phillips, the former GM of the Mutts, doesn't think that the Cubs have adequately replaced Sosa. Maybe that's why Phillips runs for herbal tea and McGriddles for Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio now.

- There's no way they'll ever find Michael Jackson guilty, which is too bad. THAT would be the pay-per-view event of the new millenium: Jacko's first group shower in prison. You can BET there would be some 'Jesus Blood' drunk in there.

- Shannon Elizabeth, Katie Holmes, and Denise Richards are ALL back out on the market. What does that say? That Chris Klein, Charlie Sheen, and ESPECIALLY the shrub that was married to Shannon must all have balls the size of Clinchers on them, to think that they could do better...

- All we are say-ing, is give Jason DuBois a chance. And let Aubrey Huff be plan B.

- Courtrm 103B, 1:20. Bring $$

- I think the confused, cornfed blonde Sam who is the "spokesmodel" for Insight Cable would work for me, as I stand over her quivering flanks, running my hands down her waist around her very curvy hips, as they flare way out around me exposing a very ample opening for me to lean into, impaling her with my blazing hot turkeyneck, and as I sling shimmering ropes of joozeyfroot deep inside her, I would laugh very coarsely, and moan "uh, Sam, THERE'S your Rum Raisin." (Of course, unless you are a rural hick that gets Insight Cable, this means NOTHING to you. Sam would be the Tanya Memme of the rural set)

- It's gonna take a lot to scrub all of that off of my arm.