3/22/2005 03:48:00 PM by Rob

If you're not buying negative, stop reading NOW!

...because, today, I'm selling.

Before I really get started, I am a little scared that the Illini didn't just raise up and put the screws to their first two opponents. But, they have a lot more to talk about today than, say, Bill Selfish's team, or Charlie Vanillawafer's team. Beating Nevada is big, yes. I am on the record today somewhere, Desipio or someplace, as saying that Bruce Pearl may NOT be an Seeping Anus, he may just be an okay guy, who once did an Seeping Anal thing. Nevertheless, I regard the Illini/UWM game as a test, because if the Illini can't jack up for THAT, then how in the world are they going to get up enough to beat Duke or UNC?

Now, on to the Polish Wonder, his propensity to use his meat hand to snare batted balls, and the impact it has on the 1985 2005 Cubs.

I'm not going to rip on his sweaty ass for doing something so stupid, for that would be the height of Hypocrisy, since I have injured myself doing the very same thing. But I don't make two milldos of American dollars with my right hand, and if I did, I think I would take great pains to make it Second Nature to pull it back when balls fly at it. Which, let's get right down to it, is good advice, if you live on this side of Boystown.

Now, for all you statheads and pollyannas who get all bent out of shape every time someone says CURSE, feel free to shit in the stew.

THIS WAS THE YEAR, friends. We have an all-star left side infield operating on a one-year contract. We have an entire outfield, one-year-contract. The only locked-in lineup regulars are DLee and Barrett. There are only two possible outcomes for the 2005 Cubs:

- Incredible glory
- Even more incredible angst, gnashing of teeth, and excuse-making, finger-pointing, blame-fixing, and incriminating.

For, unless they win something this year, based on the amount of media attention they receive, the amount of money spent by management, and the reputations of nearly every single last person involved, there is no way they go down quietly.

Nomar - has to prove he can come back to the near-HOF levels he once performed at.
Ramirez - has to prove he can produce while making the big money.
Walker - has to prove he is an everyday player.
DLee - has to prove that he is not the latter-day Fred McGriff, empty stats.
Barrett - has to prove that 1) he can hit in the majors, 2) can handle a pitching staff, and 3) has the mental fortitude to lead a team
Wood - has to someday meet his potential
Prior - yes, Prior, the Francheezie himself, has to prove he isn't injury prone
Zambrano - has to prove he can control his emotions
Rusch - has to prove that he is not a 1-13 caliber pitcher
Dempster - see Prior
Hawkins - has 2 problems, 1) has to prove he has balls, and 2) has to prove that he isn't a raging assclown
Borowski - has to prove that he DIDN't sell his soul to Satan for 2003
Burnitz - has to prove that he CAN play somewhere else besides Coors field
Patterson - wants to prove that he is Barry Bonds. The club wants him to be Lou Brock. His main job - to prove that he isn't BOBBY Bonds.

Finally, the manager has the MOST of all to prove. He came here with the reputation of a winner. The reputation of being able to handle superstars, while also being fair to the mere mortals. He also had the rep that he couldn't win the big game, which he only fed after the 2003 NLCS.

Last year, he lost control of his team, plain and simple. The players lifted their kilts and shook their dicks at him.

So he got rid of everyone he thought was a problem. OK, partyboy, it's ALL you, now.

Well, folks, this isn't going to go well. When Prior and Wood got hurt, it was bad, but in theory, we had other guys that could do their jobs, maybe, half as good, while they were out. So it wasn't the Greek Tragedy that losing our closer is, because there isn't a soul on the team that can do what Joe Borowski, Polish Prince, did in 2003.

Maybe Kerry Wood COULD, if he was so obliged. But as of now, he doesn't THINK he's a closer, and neither does anyone else on the team. Sure as shittin', LaTroy Hawkins doesn't think he's a closer. No man in big-league history has done more to convince his managers and his public that he isn't a ninth-inning guy than Hawkins. If Dusty puts him in there, then he should be IMMEDIATELY fired, because Hawkins has done everything short of putting a fullpage ad in all three metro-newspapers, featuring a picture of himself bending over, grabbing his ankles, with a little flag bearing "I am not a closer" sticking out of his cornhole.

Not having a reliable closer dampens enthusiasm faster than anything else in the game. Oh, this isn't going to end well, my friends. There's nobody they can trade for, without gutting what little offense we have left. Does Billy Beane want three of our pitching "prospects" for Dotel? Fuck it, do the trade, go ahead. I could give a birdshit less about our so-called vaunted farm system. Do it. But Dotel's a setup guy, too, just like Hawkins. He can't close, either.

The Tribune would fire Dusty with one year left on his contract if he can't guide this bunch to at least a playoff berth, and at least one series win. Because, barring that, the fucking wheels are flying off of this bitch, and last year will look like a group hug on Oprah!

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