3/29/2005 09:55:00 AM by Rob

"He's AC-DC. He likes men...and boys!"

I've just always wanted to use the immortal line mouthed by Double D in "Saturday Night Fever" for something. Not too many people use the terminology for "bisexual" anymore, not since the popularity of Angus Young's rock band took off.

AC/DC, be it a rock band with a frontman who wears a too-small prep-school uniform with short pants, someone who has sex with men and women, or someone who roots for the Cubs and Sox, is a term with negative connotations, as something distasteful. Before you flame me, I'm sure Angus, Malcom, Bon and the rest named themselves after electricity.

Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about...oh yeah. Can you be a Cubs fan AND a Sux fan at the same time?

"This should be rich," you're thinking. "The Sloth is SOOOO objective about this one!" Well, could you guess that I have been to many Sux games? That I love the chocolate-filled churros? That I was a big fan of the Dick Allen/Bill Melton teams, not to mention the South Side Hit Men on 1977? Although the Cubs have always been #1 in my heart, for many years, I was on record as saying that I didn't care WHO won, as long as Chicago had a World Series?

For years, I would have easily characterized myself as a fan of both teams?

Even now, as I think of the American League franchise that plays at the Cell, I can't come up with too many bad, emotionally driven things to say. I can objectively look at them and tell you that their third baseman is kind of a bust, and that it is almost suicidal for them to have both the Big Skirt and Paulie Konerko on the same team. But I like their speed, their manager and the power that their two big, slow first basemen give them. Finally, I can't think of a better home for A. J. Eyechart, the most unpleasant motherfucker in the league.

But I am no fan of the Sux these days, no no no. Not so much for the on-field product, although I don't see them winning anything again this year. No, it's all due to the fact that I would bend over backwards to disassociate myself with the so-called "fans" of that team.

I have in the past alluded to my last failed marriage to the acne-scarred spazz from Mt. Greenwood. Naturally, she, her snarling dykey sisters and dumbshit brothers, and her shitty folks were all Sux fans, as were their drunken neighbors, as were the rest of the genetically shortchanged sawed-off ethnic fuckmonkeys that would line the streets for the Southside St. Pat's parade. They held their own parade because none of them are genetically capable of navigating a vehicle north of their own oversized ballpark, so therefore they can't attend the one in the Loop. That, and the fact that whatever precinct of police that patrol the Loop usually doesn't take kindly to open consumption of alcohol and crystal meth at ten in the morning on a Sunday, the way they tend to overlook such things in Beverly.

Anyway, I would chew off my arm at the shoulder joint rather than ever again having to associate with the garlic-chewing, bushy-mustache wearing, wallet-chaining, bungalow-dwelling, antihistamine-cooking fucks who can't spell their own last names, root for the Goddamned fighting Irish, and still bleed from their assholes because the Bidwells took the Goddamned Chicago Cardinals out of Comiskey 43 years ago.

Whether you see them avoiding the "neegroes" at the Chicago Ridge Mall, collecting up packages of Sudafed in their rent-subsidized apartments in Alsip, or beating people with table legs in Bridgeport, I don't want any part of them. What's more, if you listen to Chicago sports radio, which most of you do, pay attention when one of their kind actually succeeds in punching in the ten numbers correctly. 90% of the time, what starts out as an inquiry about the Sux ends up being an editorial about how the media favors the Cubs.

On occassion, I meet someone who actually likes the Sox on their own merits. I can boast two friends who I can truly call a Sox fan. The rest are all anti-Cub fans.

For someone to truly be a fan of both teams, they would have to be able to connect on both levels, and my point is since the prevalent position of "Sox Fan" is actually "Anti-Cub Fan", then to connect to both is itself a contradiction. You can't truly love AND truly hate the Cubs. Hell, most of us die-hards hate the Cubs at times over the course of a typical year, which aligns us pretty closely with that contradictory being I'm describing here. For example, I hate like hell the fact that LaTool Hawkins will close for us this year.

But it don't make me queer. Or a Sux fan. Does it? Nahhh.

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