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Monday, January 10

The One that Got Away

Let's use a technique that they use at every decent court-order Anger Management course:

Let's tally up the plusses and minuses of Carlos Beltran becoming a Mutt:


- The AssTrolls are done. D-U-N. Fat Roger will now retire for good, Andy Pettitty will now miss his butt buddy, the AssTroll outfield is now the rotting corpse of Craig Biggio and Fat Elvis, and most importantly, the rest of the players now know that their management isn't behind them. Rot In Pieces, gentlemen.

- I was the one who said a couple of months ago that the Cubs could sign Beltran AND Drew AND Maggs AND Pedro AND Superman AND Batman, and it all wouldn't make a lick of difference if the overall #1 problem wasn't addressed, and this is still true today.

- Being the starving, desperate Cub fan that I am, I would pay, overpay, and way overpay Beltran if I knew in my bones that he was the missing link. Which I do. But even I have to admit, $117 Milldo for 7 long years....THAT'S a lot of scratch.


- We don't have Carlos Beltran. A man who hits Wrigley like the big kid down the street hits his own gangway in Whiffleball. If we had him, it wouldn't be fair, it wouldn't be right, and we could just do a Randy Moss on the rest of the NL.

By the way: to Joe Buck and the Moral Majority who are falling all over each other to be the First to denounce Moss for taking a virtual shit in the endzone at Lambeau: Look. I thought it was distasteful, too. But I laughed. And isn't THAT better than getting my blood pressure up, shooting steam out my anus, and banging on the pulpit how disgusting it all was? Lighten up, Francis.

- We're stuck with Sammy Sosa, most likely. The Mutts don't need him now. Do they? How in hell does Hendry even think he is going to fit in next year? There's no WAY he ever shows his face in that Clubhouse again. He has lost the respect of every last swinging dick in the place.

- Once again, Cub management shows that they don't have the stones to run with the big dogs. Oh, let's get a second-tier outfielder, and a second rate closer, and let's pair them up with Sam-Me, and hope that he comes back in all his glory, even though he's shrunk up more than Caminiti's nutts?

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Go, Cubbies.