1/17/2005 08:30:00 AM by Rob

Ode to a frustrating weekend

added to the left: Byron's Cubdom - one of the Unholy Goatriders of the Apocalypse

First of all, I'd like to dedicate my verbiage today to a Carol A. Ries, of Adrian, Michigan. Her story appears below:

ADRIAN, Mich. -- A woman who admitted drinking three glasses of Listerine mouthwash had a blood-alcohol content more than three times the legal limit when she was arrested for drunken driving, police said Friday. The woman, identified as 50-year-old Carol A. Ries, was arrested Sunday night and released on personal bond the next day. She was to be arraigned late next week on a misdemeanor charge of operating under the influence of liquor.

Police found an open bottle of Listerine in Ries' car, and asked Lenawee County prosecutors Friday to authorize a warrant charging her with having an open intoxicant in a motor vehicle. Ries showed signs of intoxication after her car rear-ended another vehicle Sunday. She told police she had not consumed any alcohol and also passed a Breathalyzer test, but "there was something not quite right about her," the arresting officer said.

She failed a second test using different equipment and, under further questioning, admitted to drinking three glasses of Listerine earlier in the day. According to Listerine manufacturer Pfizer Inc.'s Web site, original formula Listerine contains 26.9 percent alcohol, more than four times that of many malt liquors. Other varieties contain 21.6 percent alcohol.

No telephone listings for a Carol Ries could be found.

Oh, my lord!!! It's "carlosZno1fan"!! No, seriously, I can't even standing swishing with that shit for 30 seconds, let alone down three glasses of it! Carol, whereever you are, you're much more of a man than myself, dear. Truly, you are the poster child for American Ingenuity. If any of you out there knows Carol, buy her a REAL drink, and send me the bill. Then, take her goddamned keys!

Well, I found the lack of Cubs news this weekend to be truly frustrating. But now, that the Sux Konvention has left town (see left), and the Cubs Convention is coming right after it, this bodes well for us fans who have been waiting for Hendry to rouse from his egg-nog-n-oxycontin induced coma, and DO SOMETHING!!!

They couldn't HAVE the Kubs Konvention unless they make a splash by doing at least ONE of the following:

1) Trade the Great Sosa
2) Sign the Great Magglio
3) Acquire a closer whose name we all recognize

Remember you ol' Uncle Slothy...I'm the guy who told you that the Beltran fiasco would end last weekend. Something WILL happen this week. When it does, take to the streets, light an illegal roman candle, and raise your arms in triumph, for Hendry lives, he LIVES!!

Or.....not.

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