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Friday, January 14

NFL picks, and the steroid policy

My eighth grade English teacher told me never to mix metaphors. Or something like that. But I'm talking about a league full of musclehead HGH freaks hell-bent on violence. And not just MLB, but the NFL, too.

Just bear in mind that I would be a much thinner and poorer man if I had to depend on my handicapping skills for a living.

ViQueens - Eagles:

I don't play spreads; besides, didn't some ungodly percentage, like 78%, of underdogs win outright this year? For those of you who have branded me a Liberal, just because I wouldn't go spill my blood for Dick Chaney's Halliburton stockholders, here's some Conservative advice: never pick a Dog unless you think they will win outright.

That being said, I think God is a merciful God. After the tsunamis, the mudslides, and the Moon over Green Bay, I think God will give us a break, and bounce the True Scourge of the Earth, Randy Moss, from the playoffs.

Eagles 35, ViQueens 24

Falcons - Rams:

You've heard people refer to somebody as "The Comedian's Comedian", or "The Musician's Musician"? Someone who really sucks, sells no records, has no box office, but "the people in the know" just love him?

That's Michael Vick. I just don't get it. Perhaps he can do things that other NFL atheletes are jealous over. But just how much worse of a job would Antwaan Randle El have done if he were drafted by a dome team?

Rams 27, Falcons 24

Steelers - Jets:

For those of you who have missed seeing a grown man shit his pants on national TV since the time LaTroy Hawkins gave up the homers in Shea, get aload of Chad Pennington this week, with 7 bazillion guys from Pissburgh in the stands screaming insults with their fucked-up East Coast/Appalachian accent.

When it's below zero, the running game rules, and I know Curtis Martin plays for the Jets, but the Stillers have both the Bus and the Duce, and in a taffy pull, I'd rather pull for the two guys, rather than the one guy.

Stillers 17, J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets 10

Colts - Pats

After the Shaq-Kobe game, the Brazil-Germany World Cup, and the Kelly Jo-Estella Bachelor final, the Game of the New Millenium, by far. Oh, I suppose throw Game 7 of last year's ALCS in there, too.

Just one question, in all seriousness? Is it true that the Patriots have won two of the last three Super Bowls, and is it also true that Peyton Manning has won exactly zero, zip, nada AFC championships in his life? There's a first time for everything? Oh yeah, when was the first time the Cubs won the NLCS?

As in everything in life, don't try to overthink this one.

Pats 24, Colts 21.

The steroid Policy

Hey, buddy. I never take the steroid, buddy. I just take the keeds' flintstones, pal. I work hard, buddy. I apologi for nothing, and I not worry about the new testing, buddy. Ten days? Ten days is nothing, buddy. I'd just stay home with my wife, and drink wine. Then I come back out and hit homrun, buddy.