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Wednesday, January 19

Let's all line up to be shorn

Sheep, we're no better than sheep, I'm telling ya. Let somebody like Sheryl Crow (or better yet, Lindsay Lohan) come out wearing a varnished turd on their lapel, and next thing you know, kids everywhere are bugging their parents on where THEY can go to buy their very own varnished turd broach.

I do believe in the Golden Rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That being said, I am not an overly charitable person. I have been in trouble, and I did not look for charity to bail me out, and it isn't like my family couldn't use every spare dime I make.

I am glad for the cancer foundations being helped by the Lance Armstrong LiveStrong bracelet craze, but wouldn't you know it? Now every single solitary "cause" has their own bracelet, in their own colors, and this is also true for the Cause to Maximize Tribune Corporation Profits, with their Cubby Blue "Believe" fashion accessory.

UPDATE: as Stew very carefully pointed out, the revenues from the blue rubberbands goes to Cubs Care, according to their website. And, also, the Cubs suffer from some of the lowest local radio and TV revenues in the whole league.

I have to admit to you, when I first saw the bracelets, I mean, the very moment I first heard about them, thoughts ran through my head. "Those are UGG-lee!" and "I guess it's a good idea" were amongst them. Never, never, ever does it ever occur to me to ever think "Well, how can I PIMP this idea for my own personal gain". At some point, I do start thinking "well, SOMEBODY is going to pimp this". Because people are sheep, and always follow the leaders, the trend-setters, and these days, it only takes 6 months or so for an idea to be born, grow, mature, and finally become passe.

I know this, you know this, and maybe you're like me, in that you just sit by and watch it happen. Eventually, your own kids are tugging on your sleeve, asking you to start going to Walgreens, or whatever, to get them their very own yellow rubber bracelet. And you know your kid doesn't understand WHATSOEVER its purpose. And you know that six months from now, this same rubber bracelet is going to get caught in your vacuum cleaner, as you take a swipe with it under your kids' bed.

Maybe you watch this all happen, and maybe you, instead, start immediately thinking on how YOU can work your own angle, how you can pimp out the fad for your own profit. Call yourself an entrepreneur, an opportunist, a pimp, a crook. Whatever.

If I live to be 100, I will NEVER, EVER understand what makes these people tick. Why does everything nice, and noble have to be turned ugly with greed?

In that same token, I guess I will never ever understand the motivations of an enterprise such as the Tribune, for whom good, healthy competition takes a back seat to PROFIT.

Steinbrenner, Moreno, and Angelos are trying to buy a pennant. Billy Beane and Theo Epstein are trying to eke one out on their spreadsheets. Other teams send out teams of scouts to try to outsmart the competition. Teams like Milwaukee, the Sux and Kansas City have publicly given up, and cry poor to everyone that will listen.

But the Cubs, more so than any other team in the 30, are best described as a Profit Center. Our All-Stars are their marketing fucks, our Hall-of-Famers are mostly our announcers. We've been fished in, hauled ashore, and left to flop on the deck, gasping for the last breath of air with gills ill-designed for the situation.

Fuck the outfield...let's get the God-damned blue bracelets out there, before the kids stop wearing them!!!