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Bruce, we gave you tha keys, and THIS is what you brought home?

¿Dónde está mi dinero, las rameras?

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Wednesday, January 12

In lieu of actual Cubs news:

Let's instead look at Scarlett Johansson, currently seen in the Dennis Quaid flick "In Good Company". She gets it on with Topher Grace, as if somebody named Topher would actually make it with a girl.

She's 20, gorgeous enough to eat, basically meeting or exceeding all requirements of the All Majestic List. Yum.

Okay, I understand pitchers-n-catchers don't report for another 6 weeks, but I'm clinging mighty tough to my faith in Jim Hendry. Surely HE doesn't think Hollandsworth-Corey-SamMe is a satisfactory outfield, and certainly HE doesn't think Dusty is actually going to give DuBois a chance?

Andy Desipio floated a bouncy one out there today, suggesting a menage-a-trois with SamMe going to Los Mets, Mike Cameron and his magic glove going to the Billy Beanes, with us kicking over some ca$h to Oakland, and they return us Octavio Dotel. What's the problem with this?

I thought Beane loved cheap guys who throw strikes, and isn't that what Dotel is?

Anyway, suppose this did happen. Then you have a big ol' stackup in the pen. You got the Dumpster and JoeBlow and LaTroy and Farns and Remlinger and the couple of young cheap guys you want, and then you throw Dotel in the mix. Assuming we aren't trading the young, cheap guys, the only tradeable commodity in the whole stew is The Farns, who's so dumb, he's gonna miss the start of spring training with a eye strain caused by his staring at a frozen can of strawberry daquiri mixer for 17 hours.

Seems the can said "concentrate", and Farns was willing to oblige.

AH, I kill me.

Just's an odd number year. Farns is due for one of his good ones. They'll most certainly trade him, and watch him dominate for the entire year, and hundreds of millions of lemmings will crawl out from under the baseboards, damning Hendry to all hell for trading the Farns.

Not me. I'll know better, and I'll sit back and rub my big fat manboobs in glee when Farns implodes again in 2006, after someone gives him $14 million.